Category: Life

  • The harm of wishful thinking

    The harm of wishful thinking

    Whenever I hear things like the universe is waiting to give you everything that you want, or manifest what you desire in your life through positive thinking, or put it out there and the universe will answer, I wonder if the proponents of such philosophies would like to tell that to the toddler that was raped, the innocent boy child that was sodomised, or the ones grieving the loss of a loved one in a senseless act of violence. And the list goes on.

    The approach to life that is embodied in this philosophy causes more harm than good because it denies the rights of those around us as we wait to have our needs fulfilled, while diminishing our accountability in fulfilling their rights over us because…well…they shouldn’t expect it from us, they should wait for the universe to answer, not so?

    Before you think I’m being whimsical or disrespectful about such beliefs, consider this.

    At the heart of such a belief system is wishful thinking. Quite literally.

    In the absence of gratitude for what we have, we’ll wish for things that we don’t have.

    In the absence of gratitude for who we are, we’ll wait for others (a.k.a. the universe) to make us feel worthy or significant.

    Without exception, through almost 3 decades of working with people, every single time that I encountered this philosophy, the individual was avoiding the reality of a painful experience or memory that they didn’t know how to process, or found too difficult to even contemplate.

    While we have compassion for the victim of such experiences, we must also consider the victims of such victims.

    Life happens, often in terrible ways, to all of us. Measuring who has it better or worse is a futile exercise, because relative to the context of each person’s life, their experiences carry with it whatever impact it carries.

    So we don’t dismiss that impact. But we also don’t create space for such events to define our quality of life or our contribution towards the lives of others long after the event has passed, because that diminishes the value of what we have, in favour of what we once lost.

  • More ways to destroy trust…

    More ways to destroy trust…

    Our consideration of trust is often limited to promises or follow through on something that was clearly agreed with another.

    However, trust is broken in many ways, most of which are subtle and often unintended.

    It’s these subtle breaches that leave us seething with anger or raging with tears while not knowing how to connect the betrayal that we feel with the specific conduct of another.

    More than this, it also makes it that much more difficult to express ourselves clearly when they seem oblivious to the hurt or offence that they cause.

    Connecting with why we feel betrayed makes it possible to process those feelings of betrayal in a more constructive way, and allows us to diminish the impact that it has on our sense of self.

    Once we can reconcile in our minds what it is that drives us insane about the behaviour from those closest to us, it makes it easier to see their shortcomings as a reflection of who they are, rather than always assuming that they may take us for granted because of who we are.

    That clarity of understanding and perspective could mean the difference between a life of angst and self-loathing, versus one of understanding and purposeful investment in those relationships that mean the most to you.

    You cannot help those around you to slay their demons if you’re bringing your demons to the table.

    Here are 9 not-so-obvious ways in high we may be breaching the trust that others place in us :

    1. Remaining silent when your words could have provided comfort or support


    2. Deliberately avoiding a request for something that you know is important to someone


    3. Withholding affection when you know it’s needed


    4. Deliberately doing something that you know is offensive or hurtful to another


    5. Being dishonest when relating your story, or withholding part of a story to avoid conflict or accountability


    6. Being unnecessarily harsh without apologising for your conduct (or regularly repeating this behaviour after apologising each time)


    7. Treating your obligations or commitments as optional or subject to your convenience


    8. Demanding your rights from others but ignoring your responsibilities towards them


    9. Dismissing the contribution that others make towards your life

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Do you appreciate you?

    Do you appreciate you?

    When we surrender to what we believe was preordained for us, we give up our ability to influence its outcomes.

    That giving up creates a self-fulfilling prophecy by allowing things to progress in its current path without any effort to disrupt it, convincing us that we were right about it being preordained.

    For this reason, we sometimes allow relationships to degrade to a point of no return because we were convinced that our input or contribution would not change what appeared to be inevitable.

    Gratitude is critical in this process.

    Not gratitude for what we have when we’re faced with loss, but gratitude for what we are capable of when faced with challenges.

    Sometimes, when you take yourself for granted during your moments of ease, you’ll find yourself forced to dig deep and connect with who you are in moments of strife.

    That period of taking yourself for granted is what contributed in some meaningful way towards the strife that followed.

    While we will never know with certainty what to expect from others, we must connect with mindfulness to what the consequences of our choices are, or will be.

    This mindfulness is only possible when we acknowledge the value of who we are.

    That acknowledgement is the root of gratitude, or ingratitude, depending on whether we appreciate who we are, or judge ourselves harshly for supposedly not being good enough.

    You cannot nurture, maintain, or grow something if you don’t connect with the value that it offers.

    Thus, when you lack gratitude for who you are and what positive attributes and traits you possess, you will be incapable of contributing meaningfully towards the upliftment of your life and the lives of those around you.

    That is how the victim mindset slowly sets in, leaving us to believe that our struggle is a definition of our strength and perseverance, while not realising how much of it is in fact self-imposed because of ingratitude.

    It always starts with you.

  • Self-help guides are not sustainable

    Self-help guides are not sustainable

    For those who believe that my books are self-help guides and are expecting instructions for life from it, this may clarify my approach for you.

    The above photo is from The Egosystem p.25. I don’t believe in prescriptive exercises or methods when advising others about how to navigate the challenges in their lives.

    Such prescriptive approaches assume that others are like us, and that their lives are like ours.

    It also assumes that they have access to the same resources and support structures as we do, and that they interpret the events of their lives in the same way that we would.

    None of that is true.

    We’re each unique in our relationship with the world around us. That’s why a prescriptive approach will never be sustainable.

    It may provide interim relief, but it will not be sustainable the moment your circumstances change.

    Creating understanding and awareness about why you are who you are, and why you feel the way that you do allows you to choose your responses to life more mindfully, and in a way that is uniquely you.

    Otherwise all we’re doing is creating mini-me versions of coaches and therapists and counsellors in the lives of our clients.

    How does that help anyone? 🤔

    Own Your Life.

  • Don’t trade your best for their worst

    Don’t trade your best for their worst

    There is rarely a day that passes without me reading or hearing about someone who invested years, if not decades of their life, to people who were not invested in the relationship.

    When the reality of that betrayal finally hits home, it destroys our spirit and convinces us that we’ve sacrificed the best years of our life while having nothing more to look forward to.

    Nothing could be further from the truth.

    The same way we were able to create beauty in such a desolate landscape, we must recognise that the best of us that we gave was simply the truth of who we were. And are.

    The moment we discard that because it was discarded by an ingrate who was looking for servitude of their ego when they could have had love for their essence, we become ingrates just like them.

    Don’t trade who you are for who they were. It’s never a fair trade. You owe yourself more than that.

    And self-pity will only ever prevent you from being true to yourself.

    Embrace the beauty of who you are despite the ugly of who they were.

    That’s how we take back the gift that they discarded so that we may be able find a more fitting recipient.

    As long as you’re breathing, there’s always hope.

  • Dishonesty is the thief of peace

    Dishonesty is the thief of peace

    We focus too much on how others treat us, and too little on how we treat ourselves.

    Honesty is one of those things that we find distasteful and repulsive when someone withholds it from us, but we overlook it when we do it to ourselves.

    When we’re dishonest with ourselves, we find ways to justify that dishonesty.

    That justification comes in the form of avoiding tough discussions, surrounding ourselves with people we find agreeable, and avoiding those who will challenge us when what we say doesn’t resonate with how we behave.

    That’s how we end up running away from the harsh truths that we prefer not to face, until eventually we become convinced that our running away is in fact our struggle to create a better life for ourselves.

    We convince ourselves that the circles that agree with us are in fact the ones who care, while most often they’re also running away from their own lives, looking for familiarity in their quest to find their ‘tribe’.

    We must choose our company wisely. But we must also choose it sincerely.

    Like a wound, avoiding the truth of who we are or what we’re responsible for, only creates fertile ground for such realities to become festering wounds that slowly rupture and destroy the very peace that we set out to achieve.

    That’s how the past that is not resolved, haunts the future that we’re desperately in need of.

    You owe yourself honesty and sincerity before anyone else owes it to you.

    It always starts with you.

  • When your sincerity is tested

    When your sincerity is tested

    Our sincerity is tested when we’re faced with the opportunity to contribute in kindness, while being treated with disregard or ingratitude.

    But it’s not our sincerity towards others that is tested.

    It is the sincerity of our convictions about what we hold true as principles to live by.

    We lose the best of who we are, when we abandon it in the face of neglect from others.

    When we withhold our contribution because we’re afraid that it won’t be appreciated, or repaid in kind, we diminish who we are to become like who they are.

    Of course, in everything, there must be moderation.

    And the moderation in this is that we must be mindful of when our selfless contribution may be enabling their selfish behaviour, or validating their ingratitude.

    So give without the expectation of receiving, but don’t give to the point where you exhaust yourself while feeding the ungrateful mindset of one who feels entitled without good cause.

    Moderation is key in everything that you do, except your expression of gratitude.

    And sometimes, that gratitude is expressed by withholding your contribution from others because you want them to experience gratitude for what they keep taking for granted before you continue to give.

    It always starts with you.

  • Positive thinking fallacies

    Positive thinking fallacies

    Important reminder from the archives…

    There is much harm in this widespread acceptance of the so-called power cf positive thinking.

    Most importantly, it suggests that our thoughts inspire the actions of others.

    That is patently incorrect.

    It also suggests that if we focus on positivity, we’re guaranteed to attract positivity.

    That is dangerously incorrect.

    We all wear masks of some kind.

    When someone offers us an opportunity to fill the gaps in our lives that those masks are intended to hide, we are attracted to them, and vice versa.

    A healing spirit will attract a hurt soul, and hurt souls often attract the generosity of a healing spirit.

    But that doesn’t mean that the one that is hurt will choose to be healed.

    Many find comfort in the affection and care that their hurt attracts.

    When that comfort defines their self worth, they will respond aggressively when expected to rise above it, or encouraged to heal from it.

    That’s when the masks fail them and the relationship breaks down.

    This law of attraction thinking is a fallacy that will harm more than it will heal.

    It’s not accurate to say that what we’re focused on is what we will notice.

    If you’re looking for what’s right in your life, you’ll connect with it and nurture it. And if you’re looking for what’s wrong, you’ll see all of it and grow despondent from it.

    Be careful of what philosophy you buy into.