Tag: optimism

  • Ingratitude, the illegitimate child of self-loathing

    Ingratitude, the illegitimate child of self-loathing

    When you judge yourself harshly, you lose sight of the good that you’re achieving.

    That you judge yourself at all is an indulgence in breaking yourself down, rather than lifting yourself up.

    That’s why those who judge themselves most, are also most dependent on others treating them well before they feel significant, even if their behaviour doesn’t warrant such fair treatment.

    That’s how social validation becomes the motivator for everything that we do.

    But, we’re so focused on hiding our shame of what we believe to be inadequate about ourselves that we forget that we’re hiding our shame.

    We then grow to be defined by the validation that we receive for everything on the outside while losing sight of how we’re avoiding everything on the inside.

    The more successful we are in gaining such ‘respect’ or validation from others, the more we become convinced that we’re right, and that anyone who points out our shortcomings must be wrong…or at the least, they must be cruel or envious, they just don’t understand us. .

    When judge others by the same standard that we judge ourselves.

    You must be OK with oppressing yourself first before you’ll find justification in oppressing others.

    You can only give what you have.

    That’s how the ones who are sincere in our growth will be taken for granted when we discard them in favour of those who are looking for validation for their ability to validate us.

    Victims support each other towards being OK with being victims.

    Unless you break the cycle of victim mentality, you’ll lose sight of what good you are capable of achieving, while focusing on what shame you need to pacify yourself about.

    Ingratitude is the illegitimate child of self-loathing.

    That’s when life feels most torturous.

    It always starts with you.



  • Your perspective may be your undoing

    Your perspective may be your undoing

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    Your perspective may be your undoing

    Internal conflict is the greatest contributor to misery.

    And misery or stress is felt most deeply when we’re at odds with ourselves, which affects our health because of that internal conflict.

    It is stress that always precedes any physical ailment that forms as a chronic illness within our body.

    And expectations are at the core of stress.

    We experience the most stress when what we believe others expect from us conflicts with what we expect from ourselves because it feels like they’re being unreasonable or as if they’re trying to set us up fry fail.

    But we only stress if we lack the ability or confidence to correct their expectations, or to adjust our own.

    That confidence is rarely developed in the moment of being challenged.

    Confidence comes from the credibility that we develop in ourselves after experiencing the positive outcomes of being true to ourselves.

    That means that as long as we avoid being true to ourselves because of the fear of rejection or ridicule, we won’t give ourselves an opportunity to prove ourselves.

    In other words, when we hold back because we try to fit in, we drift further away from confidence, and closer to being defined by what others think of us.

    That’s how we become miserable, because life becomes a chase for acceptance and validation.

    Accomplishments then lack sweetness or fulfilment unless someone else acknowledges the value of what we accomplished.

    But even then, we won’t truly connect with the joy and gratitude of such accomplishments because our fulfilment is found in receiving validation from others, and not in the beauty of who we are.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Conviction or distraction?

    Conviction or distraction?

    From The Egosystem, a reminder that when you are pursuing something new, don’t expect the people around you to understand or to buy into why you are passionate about it.

    Most of us are surrounded by people who live safely. Who fit in as best as they can.

    When you threaten to disrupt that safe space by going against the grain, you’ll get reactions that are more about their insecurity than it is about how they feel about you.

    One of our biggest mistakes is that we don’t pay attention to what we represent to others, because we’re so focused on what we think they think of us.

    Most people are too distracted to have an informed opinion of who you are, but their defences make them vocal about what they think you should do.

    That’s why mindfulness and self-awareness are critical if you hope to break the hold that your environment or your past has on you.

    If you don’t believe, with conviction, in the value of what you want to achieve, you’ll be distracted by every naysayer that crosses your path.

    Some of them will be really sincere in their concern for you and your quality of life, but their concern does not mean that they’re right. It just means that they care.

    Striking a balance between appreciating their concern, maintaining a healthy tone to that relationship, and still pursuing your dreams with vigour is probably the greatest challenge in pursuing something new.

    Focus on the value that you want to create, and trust that when they’ve had an opportunity to experience that value, those who matter will be by your side, and those who don’t will reveal themselves for the distractions that they are in your life

    Own Your Life.

  • If you think you can’t, then you won’t…

    If you think you can’t, then you won’t…

    Archive Post… I can’t count how often I’ve been told, “Not everyone is like you!”

    That comment was usually in response to me encouraging them to do better or to rise above what was troubling them.

    You see, the assumption that a weak person makes is that some people are gifted to be more successful than others.

    The reality though, is that we all have the same potential.

    Some just realise that waiting for permission to be capable in their own right is a waste of life. So they own their contribution towards what they want to achieve.

    Unfortunately, too many convince themselves that they’re not built that way. That they’re not as gifted or that no one understands what they’re going through.

    But, like Henry Ford said, “If you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

    Sadly, too many think that they can’t, and then blame the world for the state in which they find themselves.

    We place limitations on ourselves most often out of spite, rather than because we truly believe we’re limited in some way.

    Do you know why spite? Because there are too many that will refuse to do something for themselves just because someone they don’t like, or don’t respect suggested that they should do it.

    It’s a result of a low self-worth car causes us to focus more on what others may think of us, than what we think of ourselves.

    That’s why emotional maturity is so important, and emotional maturity is impossible without self-awareness.

    Worrying about what others think of you is a distraction from self-awareness.

    With so many people distracted, it’s little wonder that most don’t know how to own their life.

    It always starts with you.

  • Confidently you…and only you

    Confidently you…and only you

    The question is, do you know yourself well enough to have an informed opinion of yourself?

    When we rely on others for more than just feedback, and instead, we allow them to validate who we are, we essentially give them the power to define how we feel about ourselves.

    Listening to what others think of you must be done with one single focus in mind.

    It must be with the objective of determining whether or not the message that you intended was in fact the message that they received.

    But that means that you must know what your message is.

    What is your unique contribution?

    Self-awareness shifts your focus from being aware of how others see you, to being aware of who you want to be.

    Once you improve your awareness of who you want to be, you’ll begin to accept input from others as feedback on whether you’re achieving that goal, or not.

    You won’t get distracted by trying to convince them to think kindly of you, or by feeling a need to defend what you’ve fallen short in.

    It’s a subtle but critical difference, and the difference could be sanity and peace, versus going crazy looking for validation from people who themselves have yet to accept who they are.

    Choose wisely, or else it will be a case of the blind leading the blind.

    So…do you know who you are, or do you rely on others to validate whether you’re good or bad, likeable or annoying, significant or invisible?

    It always starts with you.



  • Assumed to be inadequate

    Assumed to be inadequate

    Assumptions are those things that eventually appear as facts because we’ve been making those assumptions for so long that we don’t see reason to question it any longer.

    It’s a theme that sets in over a long period of time, and becomes the lens through which we see the world.

    More importantly, it becomes the lens through which we see ourselves.

    When we lose sight of these assumptions, we either become delusional about our success, or self-deprecating about our inadequacy.

    Either way, it denies us a harmonious and fulfilled life.

    As we respond to the demands of life, we slowly grow convinced that we were compelled to do much of what has contributed towards the quality of our life.

    For example, it’s the avoidance of homelessness that drives many to seek employment, or the need to pay debts that convince us to spend wisely, or the need to hold on to our jobs that drive us to improve our knowledge and skills.

    Each of those are driven by fear, even though we may find some joy or accomplishment in them.

    When fear is the underlying motivator that drives us to accomplish big goals, we soon find ourselves wondering once more, “OK. What’s next?”

    We end up chasing life and slowly getting worn down when we lose sight of the fact that regardless of the reason why we HAD TO DO something, our ability to do it was a true reflection of our capability.

    That’s the part that we should focus on. Our capability, not the fear that drove us to be capable.

    Take away the fear, and suddenly you’ll realise that you don’t need an external motivator to accomplish goals in life.

    You just need to recognise your own abilities, and develop your own vision for the life that you want.

    It’s really that simple.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Own your misery

    Own your misery

    Miserable are the ones who compete with their companions, and then go searching for companionship among those that will ruin them.

    Self-pity and self-loathing are the marks of ingratitude that turn your greatest supporters into your greatest distractions.

    All because you think that they see the inadequacy and shame with which you view yourself.

    That’s why at times, when someone believes in us, we convince ourselves that they’re simply trying to humiliate us.

    Such is the seeds of ingratitude and self-loathing, that we end up taking advice from enemies, and discarding advice from those who care most about our success.

    Your self-loathing is your ingratitude for who you are.
    Stop blaming the world for you getting in your own way.

    It always starts with you.

  • Woe is me…or is it?

    Woe is me…or is it?

    The need to be pacified about the struggles of our life is an indication of how much or how little we believe in ourselves to rise above it.

    When we lose sight of our contribution towards our current state, we surrender to destiny or fate, and wait to be saved or celebrated for how strong we are for persevering.

    Meanwhile, our inaction at changing, or breaking the cycles in which we’re caught, reflects our self-worth more than it reflects our bravery or resilience.

    When the oppressed or the abused remain submissive, they choose to live with shame rather than fight with dignity.

    That fight doesn’t have to be confrontational. Especially when we are physically incapable of subduing the other.

    However, understanding what we’re doing to feed the cycle that is harming us is the beginning of changing what we contribute to such cycles.

    This is not victim blaming. This is victim empowering.

    The difference being that we don’t blame the victim for the oppressor’s actions, but we encourage the victim to reclaim their voice and their dignity, which in turn reduces the validation that the oppressor or abuser gains from their abuse.

    Understanding the cycle is therefore paramount to effective action.

    Action without understanding is like gambling with your life.

    Seek to understand before you surrender to your reality.

    Otherwise you’ll go through life believing you’re trapped, while not realising that there was always an exit strategy available to you.

    It always starts with you.