Tag: expectation

  • The enemy of mindfulness

    The enemy of mindfulness

    We find ourselves in a state of duress, or stress, when we lose sight of what we can influence, whi fee helpless in the face of everything that we think is out of our control.

    Whenever we’re faced with a problem, we either focus on mitigating the impact of the problem on us, or we focus on the opportunities to overcome the problem.

    When we convince ourselves that the problem is bigger than us, and we also believe that walking away from it is not an option, or possible, we slip into a victim state of mind that weighs us down.

    As a side note, whenever something appears impossible to resolve, it means that we have gaps in our understanding about what’s causing it to occur.

    At that point, we should set out to seek a better understanding of the problem, rather than persisting in trying to find an answer with the limited information that we have.

    This is the kind of thinking that needs to be applied when we’re faced with challenges in our lives.

    The most common reason for feeling overwhelmed by life is because the assumptions that we made over the years about our significance or our ability to influence important relationships have grown to become the truths by which we live.

    So we don’t even think of questioning those assumptions, despite circumstances having changed over the years, and more importantly, despite us having grown over the same period.

    Becoming aware of these assumptions that we make when trying to solve any problem is the first critical step towards searching for answers.

    But, mindfulness is needed to regain such perspective, and mindfulness is lost to the victim mindset.

    The victim mindset is one that leaves us feeling defensive, or defenseless. Reclaiming your ability to positively influence the outcomes of your life then becomes the important problem to solve.

    It always starts with you.

    #personalp

  • Success at what cost?

    Success at what cost?

    The core of being human is the need to be significant to others, especially with significant others.

    Our efforts to be successful feel empty and unfulfilling if we have no reason to believe that it positively impacts the lives of those around us.

    So, we set out to be successful so that we can be valued, so that we can feel fulfilled or at least have reason to believe that we’re making a meaningful contribution towards the good around us.

    But, what happens when we have an unhealthy self-esteem?

    Our focus shifts from wanting to be of benefit, to being afraid of not being good enough.

    To compensate for the fear of not being good enough, we focus on equipping ourselves as best we can to avoid failure.

    Ethics and integrity become optional when what feels like survival overtakes our better judgement.

    And in this way, our low self-worth becomes the basis on which we raise our children, convincing them about the importance of education, while setting loose boundaries for integrity.

    Thus, by not understanding the state of their self-worth, we raise what appears to be narcissists while believing we’re raising responsible adults.

    All because we exaggerated the importance of education compared to the emphasis that we placed on self-esteem and integrity.

    No one intentionally or deliberately raises children with a low self-worth, but we cannot give what we don’t have.

    That’s why, when we’re lacking in self-worth as adults, we compensae for it by focusing on equipping our children to fit into the world around them, rather than to define that world.

    That’s how we place education and success above honesty and integrity, or sound character, while only intending good for our children. Or for ourselves.

    This is yet another reason why the best gift you can give your child is not a good education, it’s a healthy self-esteem.

    The rest will take care of itself.



  • Generational assumptions

    Generational assumptions

    One of the most common incorrect assumptions we make in life is assuming that others treat us badly because of who we are, and not because of their own demons.

    This is especially true about how we feel about our relationship with one, or both of our parents.

    Without realising it, two critical outcomes result from this incorrect assumption.

    Firstly, we feel like victims in our lives because what we need from others always seems to be so elusive.

    And secondly, it distracts us from the reality of the struggles that the other person, including our parents, may be going through.

    When it comes to our parents, we easily lose sight of the human behind the role, until we eventually become parents and then judge them for not adequately preparing us for that role.

    That’s how we inevitably make the same mistakes that they made because we lost sight of who we are.

    If we connect with gratitude for who we are, and we focus on understanding, not judging why we may fall short from time to time, we’ll find it easier to connect with our humanness and in turn, with the humanness in others, rather than to judge them for not doing justice to their roles in our lives.

    Generational cycles are not broken by trying to be better than those who came before.

    It’s broken by seeking understanding of why they are the way that they are, so that through understanding them we can make better choices for ourselves.

    When you ‘heal’ from your past, don’t abandon those who didn’t have more to give.

    Treat them with the empathy and compassion that has been lacking in their lives so that they may also feel like significant humans who are not only valued for the role that they are expected to play in the lives of those around them.

    This will improve our relationship with them, which in turn will improve the quality of life that we pass on to the next generation.

    It always starts with you.

  • Are you grateful for you?

    Are you grateful for you?

    Trying is something that you do when you’re unsure of your ability to do it.

    Trying relates to the process of developing the skills or understanding to accomplish something, and not to the outcome itself.

    When we try to do something, it means that we don’t believe that we’re capable of doing it yet. Otherwise, we’d just do it.

    This is true when it comes to accepting who we are.

    If we’re trying to, it means that we don’t.

    If we don’t, it means that we’re rejecting parts of who we are, or sadly at times, it means that we’re rejecting the whole of who we are.

    That’s what happens when we live our lives by comparing ourselves to what we see in others.

    Rather than admire them as inspirational, we judge ourselves as inferior.

    That’s when illness sets in. Illnesses of the heart, and of the body.

    Chronic illnesses result from a sustained rejection of what we dislike about ourselves, or what we believe is not good enough about who we are based on how others treat us.

    That rejection that we feel towards ourselves or our life is an indication of the ingratitude that we hold within.

    Ingratitude is at the heart of unhappiness because it focuses on what we don’t have, and diminishes the value of what we do have.

    When we find ourselves in such a space, it’s time to introspect about what defines how we feel about ourselves and the life that we have.

    It always starts with you.

  • A brain dump

    A brain dump

    Optimism is not always enough. It helps, but sometimes, I just want things to go easy for a bit. If I knew that a single moment of trusting someone could lead to a lifetime of struggle, I would not have been so trusting, or at least not so generous with my trust.

    But spilled milk and water under bridges offer no comfort. They only offer resolve. The resolve to move on rather than to stare pointlessly at the mishaps of my life. So I move on, each time with hope and optimism, each time having the wind knocked out of my sails, constantly reminded of how much easier it would be if only…if only they played their part..or they appreciated what they had…or they gave more and didn’t just take all the time…or…if only they honoured their trust, as much as I try to honour mine.

    But that’s when I’m reminded of the poison of self-pity. That loathsome indulgence of focusing on how bad I have it, while growing bitter at those who consciously and unknowingly contribute towards my straitened state. Sometimes deliberately, but most times obliviously.

    The trials of life are visited on those who are most aware of the human struggle of those around them. It compels one to be more gracious, more understanding, and more forgiving towards the shortcomings of those who do not do their fair share in our lives. But principle dictates that we do not abandon our station because in so doing, we contribute towards that very condition of theirs that subsequently weighs us down. That’s how we become part of the problem, when we abandon the burden of being part of the solution.

    The relentless charge of life felt exciting in youth, but exhausting in my later years. There are days when I feel hopeful and passionate, with purpose and ambition. And there are days when I feel like remembering to hydrate is a life-sucking chore. The only thing that changes between the two is my indulgence in self-pity, or in my fixation on what is owed to me.

    At such times, I remind myself that this world was created for respite, not for justice. What we give, will rarely be received in equal measure. Therefore, we must find a joy other than the expression of gratitude, or reciprocation, if we hope to sustain the very essence that breathes life into our waking hours.

    It is the gratitude of who I am that I lose sight of, before the challenges begin to take their toll on me. I’m most weighed down when I look longingly at a significant other, waiting for a sign of sincere gratitude for, or at the least, understanding of what it takes for me to persevere beyond what has already transpired in my life. It is that pause for such validation that begins the slip into that soulless space of ingratitude, and of being left feeling wanting after exhausting my spirit in the service of those around me.

    I think death will approach when picking myself up from that space will feel like a trial too many, or an investment too daunting in hope that is forever fleeting. On the balance, I am human, and I am needy of that balance that is only found in being appreciated by another. Not by any other, but by one who sees me, and not the tokens of who I am. One who sees the scars and bruises that tear at my being, each time I rise to face another round of brutal conflict with my demons, and the demons of those around me. It is only the loving gaze of one who sees all this of me, and more, that will ever set the scales in balance for this life to feel like a trial worth overcoming.

    In the absence of such an embrace, it all feels dutifully empty. Without purpose beyond the belief that there is purpose in it. And the only motivation to persevere being the belief in the value of what I wish to create. Not even for the awaiting reward of what I’m doing. Because, if I believe the promise of my Lord to be true, to be rewarded for even an atom’s worth of good that I may do, then doing it with the reward in mind would be doubting the promise of my Lord.

    I therefore act with conviction when I’m grateful for my ability to create value in the lives of those I meet, knowing that the One who blessed me with this ability, is more generous than any reward that I may expect in return.

    Perhaps this is the reminder that I need to push on when I feel weighed down. It is the transactional life that steals our passion long before the trial itself. I must take more time to reflect on how transactional my life has become.

  • Empty apologies

    Empty apologies

    “Hey, I apologised. If you don’t accept my apology, that’s your problem, not mine.”

    Did someone say this to you after offending you or treating you badly?

    Maybe you felt you had reason to say it to someone else that rejected your apology?

    The moment we demand that our apology must be enough, we’re not interested in the hurt or offence that we caused, nor the trust that we may have damaged. We’re only interested in preventing the other person from having reason to be displeased with us.

    As we know, apologies mean nothing without sincere remorse, or a change in behaviour.

    And if we have sincere remorse about what we did, we won’t expect others to be OK with what happened just because we think they should be OK.

    We’ll focus on sincerely understanding why it affected, or continues to affect them, and we’ll put in the effort to reestablish the trust that we broke or tainted.

    If we don’t, it means that we’re stuck in self-pity rather than appreciating the impact that we have in the lives of those around us.

    This is yet another way in which self-pity prevents us from realising our significance to others, and vice versa, because we’re so fixated on how bad we have it, or how we feel unappreciated, that we lose sight of how much we take them for granted.

    It always starts with you.




  • We all want to be enough

    We all want to be enough

    We all need to feel like we’re enough…

    Enough to comfort those we love and care for…

    Enough to inspire them to rise above their trials…

    Enough to instil hope in them when they feel deflated…

    And more.

    Most importantly, we prevent those who care for us from being all this to us when we’re filled with self-loathing, self-pity, or when we feel like a burden to them.

    In the same way that we behave badly when we feel unappreciated, others behave badly towards us when their efforts to uplif us feels futile.

    Without realising it, our low self-worth destroys the self-worth of those around us because we give them reason to feel inadequate.

    But because we’re filled with self-pity, or self-loathing, or because we are stuck in a victim mindset, we assume that we cannot possibly have such an impact on those around us.

    That’s when we create and feed the very cycles that weigh us down.

    Because we convince those who care for us that they are insignificant compared to the trials of our life, and thus, we convince them that they’re not good enough to comfort those that they care for.

    We’re often our own worst enemies without realising it.

    It always starts with you.



  • Whose war are you fighting?

    Whose war are you fighting?

    When someone is at war within themselves, it’s unlikely that they will realise it.

    If you’re not aware of the impact that they have on you, you’ll think that their frustration or anger is directed at you, when it’s really just their need to release the tension that they feel within.

    Let the above cycle play out for long enough, and you’ll find yourself at war with yourself, wondering why you can never be enough for them.

    And then you become the one at ease within yourself, and cause turmoil in the lives of others.

    While your instinct, at some point, will convince you that you need to get out, you need to step back and consider why it is that someone else’s internal war affects you the way that it does.

    If you don’t figure this part out, the risk of the cycle repeating itself in your next relationship, for entirely different reasons, is very high.

    This is how old problems that are unresolved or not understood, become triggers in new relationships.

    More importantly, by getting caught up in the turmoil of your partner’s war within themselves, it becomes impossible for you to help them to realise that they’re raging at the wrong target, if indeed they should be raging at all.

    That’s why self-awareness is so important. Without it, not only can you not protect yourself from the turmoil around you, but you also won’t be of much use to significant others around you.

    We all lose sight of who we are at some point, that’s why it’s pointless keeping score about who was there for whom, or who needs to change first, or what we need before we’re willing to make the effort. Because when we lose ourselves, it will not help us if others start keeping score in that way either.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.