If there is one piece of advice that will help you through the worst of times, this is it.
Internalise this, connect with it, make it your mantra if you must, but understand that forgiveness on its own, without acceptance, will leave you yearning for retribution or justice.
More than this, acceptance is only wishful thinking if not accompanied by understanding.
We need to understand the motives behind someone’s betrayal of trust, or their indiscretion, or even their neglect of what is important to us or else we’re left with believing that it was intentional towards us.
Most often, we treat others badly because of our demons that are provoked by what they need from us.
Even if we’re justified in treating them that way because of how they treated us, tit-for-tat is an indulgence of the ego and not an investment in rising above that which weighs us down.
Understanding doesn’t mean condoning, justifying, or defending bad behaviour. It simply lifts the burden of not knowing so that making peace with the experience becomes possible.
By seeking understanding, we immediately shift our focus to what they were struggling with rather than grappling with our lack of significance to them.
It is only through such understanding that we learn to accept that people’s actions are a reflection of who they are more than it is about what we mean to them.
And while we’re contemplating all this about others, we need to reflect on our own bad behaviour within the same context or else we will inevitably become like those whom we judge.
Judge less. Understand more.
Peace is within reach.
Otherwise bitterness will be your friend until you meet your end.
#forgiveness #acceptance #struggles #weakness #selfworth #selfawareness #pardon #dignity #sincerity #authenticity #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #ownyourlife #coachzaidismail
Tag: forgiveness
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Forgiveness without understanding is virtue signalling
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Divinely obnoxious?
Godliness is like humility. It is lost when we actively pursue it.
Living by the doctrine to which you subscribe is infinitely more important than preaching it.
People learn from how you treat them, not from how you chastise them.
Judging the faith of another reveals the cracks in your self-worth more than it offers any revelation about the faith of another.
When our self-worth is low, our association with divinity, religion, or other groups will be used to compensate for what we believe we lack in ourselves so that we may get the respect that we need.
When we assume ourselves to be above those that behave worse than us, or those that disagree with us, we grow arrogant in our thinking and our ways, which directly opposes our efforts towards godliness, or piety.
When we speak on behalf of the Almighty, we assume to have knowledge of the unseen because we believe ourselves to be devout enough in our practices and superior in our morals to claim such authority.
Such pride and arrogance causes a decay in the soul that results in harshness, ingratitude, and rigidity, making it increasingly difficult to receive advice from sincere advisors.
All this conflict within us results from a low self-worth, because when your self-worth is low, your life will be focused on compensating for that, rather than living purposefully or sincerely.
Peace lies on the other side of gratitude, and gratitude is impossible if you lack awareness and appreciation for who you are, and who you want to be.
That, right there, is the building blocks of self-worth.
It always starts with you.
#compassion #sincerity #authenticity #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #selfworth #selflove #selfawareness #selfrespect #mindfulness #inspiration #ownyourlife #theegosystem #forgiveness rewards #lifecoaching #zaidismail -
Break the cycle
Character is what is built when we are faced with trials.
Beauty is what we appreciate when we emerge from those trials.
Those that have the greatest scars are the ones that appreciate life the most. But only if they don’t allow themselves to grow bitter in the process.
After hardship comes ease, provided we don’t hold on to past hurts and betrayals.
When we demand justice or retribution without understanding, we exchange places with those who oppressed us.
That’s how we grow to be like the one who hurt us, because we become defined by the hurt in the same way that their hurt drove them to hurt us.
The cycle is broken only when we seek to understand why, so that acceptance is possible, and forgiveness is sincere and not burdensome.
Otherwise, forgiveness becomes an indulgence of our ego, rather than a true effort towards moving forward with peace in our heart.
Break the cycle.
Seek to understand.
First your own pain.
Then only will you grow to understand the pain of others.
It always starts with you.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #theegosystem #ownyourlife #lifecoaching #zaidismail #loveyourself #lifegoals #motivation #optimism #purpose #forgiveness -
The need to be godly
Godliness, like humility, is lost the moment we lay claim to it.
It is something that we may exhibit in our conduct or demeanour, but not something that we can directly claim.
It is our ability to manifest the attributes of the divine in our character and in our treatment of others without wanting to appear pious or godly in our approach.
The need to claim such attributes of godliness reflects the insecurity that we feel about our standing among those around us.
The moment we’re focused on how we appear to others, we begin to lose ourselves to their validation.
Similarly, the moment we claim godliness, we lose ourselves to arrogance.
And arrogance is only required to compensate for our insecurities. It is a mask to hide our shame, or to claim our needs because we believe that we’re not significant enough for others to want to care about what we need from them.
That’s why we take, instead of waiting to be offered. Or why we insult or demean rather than advising sincerely.
It’s all a means towards demanding that our virtues be acknowledged because we feel unappreciated by those we care about the most.
If you don’t appreciate who you are, in the absence of validation from others, how can you expect others to appreciate you?
Gratitude begets sincerity, and sincerity fosters brotherhood. Or sisterhood. And claiming divinity or godliness has no place at all.
#compassion #sincerity #authenticity #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #selfworth #selflove #selfawareness #selfrespect #mindfulness #inspiration #ownyourlife #theegosystem #forgiveness #rewards #lifecoaching #zaidismail -
What is forgiveness about anyway?
If there is one piece of advice that will help you through the worst of times, this is it.
Internalise this, connect with it, make it your mantra if you must, but understand that forgiveness on its own, without acceptance, will leave you yearning for retribution or justice.
Acceptance is more important than forgiveness, because once we’ve accepted the reality of what is, forgiveness loses relevance.
Accepting things becomes easier when we seek to understand rather than to judge why someone may have treated us badly, or betrayed our trust.
Immediately, the focus is about their weakness and not our significance.
When we learn to accept that people’s actions are a reflection of who they are more than it is about what we mean to them, we’ll have less of a need for forgiveness.
Peace is not possible without acceptance, and acceptance completes the act of forgiving.Don’t only focus on forgiveness, because our need to forgive is driven by a belief that we were the deliberate target of the demons of others.
Understanding their reasons for behaving the way that they did will confirm if forgiveness is warranted, or if understanding is what holds the secret to the peace that we seek.
#forgiveness #acceptance #struggles #weakness #selfworth #selfawareness #pardon #dignity #sincerity #authenticity #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery -
Delusions of Godliness
The delusion of godliness diminishes our capacity to connect with the divine. When we assume ourselves to be above those that behave worse than us, or we assume that we hold within us the capacity and means to punish others, or withhold their reward, be it in this world, or the hereafter, we assume to hold divinity within us. This is even more detrimental when we impose punishment or apportion reward to ourselves. Understanding is grounded in compassion, and there is nothing closer to divinity than compassion and mercy. Consider this the next time you view yourself or others with harshness.
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The Arrogance of Forgiveness
My naivety has often led to prickly situations that didn’t end well. Sometimes the prickiness of the situation resulted in the loss of what I assumed to be a heartwarming friendship. But the thing about conviction is that it makes it impossible to withdraw an unpopular sentiment in order to preserve the illusion of friendship, or any relationship for that matter. I refer to it as an illusion because once its true nature is revealed, we discover that what we held dear was simply a perception that we courted, and not a substance shared by another.
Naivety in this case is the belief that if we saw value in our relationship with someone, then they surely must appreciate the same value in return. This is seldom true because it dictates that the experience and the benefit derived from that relationship is equal for both parties. The reality is closer to the fact that one party is more invested in the relationship than the other. While one is anticipating an enduring endearment, the other may be considering a quick exit. One is naively trusting while the other is naively suspicious. And that’s how relationships break down.
The trusting think nothing of testing sincerity because they do not want to be treated with such suspicion in return, and the suspicious look for evidence of sincerity because their trusting nature was once the cause of their fall from grace. Unfortunately, we are more likely to project on future relationships the lessons learnt from failures than we are to anticipate the beauty that we may have once experienced.
The frailty of human nature is such that we see fit to defend ourselves from potential harm before we are inclined to embrace potential benefit. Some assume this to be our instinct for self-preservation, but I disagree. I think it’s simply the result of insecurity grounded in the belief that we are only capable of being broken so many times before it will be impossible to put us back together again. Resilience is a choice, not a limited resource, and therefore we choose to protect ourselves from a self-imposed limitation rather than a real threat.
We reduce our capacity to deal with adversity when we live in fear of the future. When we eventually realise that we are gripped by fear more than we are optimistic about the future, it inevitably leads us down a path of introspection in our efforts to determine where we gave up the desire to live joyfully.
Such introspection inevitably leads to recollections of failed relationships and our expectations that were betrayed in the process. The bitterness or disappointment that ensued became the burden that we nurtured to dress our wounds as we focused on our failed expectations rather than the personal demons that led others to betray the trust that we so willingly gave them.
When we reach that point, there is no shortage of people who will advise us to forgive the betrayer, or to forgive ourselves so that we can move on. And because that sounds like great advice, we take it. Along with taking the advice, we also take the assumption of innocence and benevolence that we are gracious enough to forgive which implicitly implies that we are better than them. We are the aggrieved and they were the aggressors. While that may hold true in a court of law, it is far from true in the reality that presented itself.
The arrogance of forgiveness lies in the assumption that we are morally superior and therefore bestow our forgiveness on those that have wronged us. Were we as repentant to those that we may have wronged in the past, or were we also then focused on justifying our suspicion or anger to explain why we behaved in ways that warranted the forgiveness of others?
While the act of forgiveness itself has merit in our efforts to redress the past, we cannot afford to lose sight of the entitlement to moral superiority that it endows on those that are more inclined to justify their own behaviour in the face of someone else’s failure. Acceptance and a desire to understand is infinitely more grounding than forgiveness ever will be. Acceptance and understanding do not imply condoning the offensive or hurtful behaviour, but it allows us to see the human behind the weakness, or the pain behind the anger.
Forgiveness shifts our focus to our sense of benevolence and risks replacing the humility we experienced in betrayal with the arrogance of assuming that we are better than those who betrayed us. As the old adage goes, to err is human, to forgive, divine. When you assume the station of divinity, you automatically assume that you are above being human. If you must forgive, then be sure to recount all the times that you did not go in search of the forgiveness of those whom you have wronged through the years.
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My Guilt About Women in Niqab
I feel extremely guilty but also bitter whenever I see photos intended to elevate the awareness and appreciation for women that wear niqab, and I despise myself for it. I’ve always held such women in the highest esteem. Living in a non-Muslim country, my respect for them was even greater knowing that they were establishing such modesty without anyone compelling them to do so.
But after my absolutely close encounter with the hypocrisy and cowardliness that exists in these circles, it has tainted my views about niqabi’s in ways that have made it extremely difficult for me to reconcile my experiences with what could be a very different reality. Anyone that knows me will know that I despise generalisations, or holding people to account for something that they’re not responsible for. I also despise dragging people down if they’re making an effort to improve themselves while others are constantly focusing on their shortcomings. I’ve been on the receiving end for all of these trends, and it’s for these reasons, among others, that I despise my current state that leads me to feel repulsed at the sight of a woman in niqab. In fact, the word ‘despise’ is an understatement in this context.
My negative experiences with women in niqab far outweigh my positive experiences, not because they were wearing niqab, but because of their actions and behaviours as individuals. So this is really a horrible case of memory by association that is really troubling me. I will let go of the association between my bad experiences and bad memories, and the act of wearing a beautiful adornment for women of modesty, Insha-Allah. But until then, this will always be a blatant reminder for me that the actions of those that appear overtly as Muslims can so easily taint the reputation of Muslims and Islam, and thereby drive others away from the beauty it has to offer, instead of inviting them through the simple acts that are beneficial and encouraged for us to practise.
The same is true for men that dress according to the sunnah, wear the full length beard, adorn their heads with appropriate head coverings, and attend masjid for salaah with jamaah five times a day, and then swindle people out of money in order to make a profit, or beat their wives up out of frustration at the lack of their own manliness, or abuse the rights of their workers because they have authority over them.
This is a pointless post, but Insha-Allah I’m hoping that writing about this for the first time in over a year since my horrid experiences with a niqabi in pursuit of a halaal marriage through halaal means will finally set me on the path towards putting that firmly behind me. It’s not a matter of needing to forgive, because that has already been done. It’s now clearly a matter of needing to forget.
