Tag: compassion

  • Good vs bad manipulation

    Good vs bad manipulation

    Sometimes we choose to maintain the peace by giving of ourselves despite not wanting to.

    Sometimes, we don’t want to deal with the upheaval that follows not doing what someone wants, so we do it anyway.

    Sometimes, we’re afraid of the repercussions of not complying, so we comply despite not believing in what we’re doing.

    Each time we compromise who we are or what we stand for to achieve an amicable or peaceful outcome, we lose ourselves to those outcomes.

    It may seem to offer short term gains, but in the long term, it destroys our sense of self.

    We all find ourselves in situations where such manipulation is required at some point because the timing is just not right to deal with what needs to be addressed.

    The key is to be aware of why we’re choosing this approach, versus believing that it’s the only approach that will get us what we need, or want.

    And the same is true for others who appear to be manipulative by nature.

    It’s simply the fear of negative outcomes that has convinced them that who they are will never be good enough, so manipulation is the only way to maintain significance or to fulfil their emotional needs.

    We’re all built with the exact same emotional needs.

    We just lose our way for different reasons.

    Self-awareness leads to understanding, and understanding is the cornerstone of compassion.

    Therefore, we must always seek to understand our own conduct under similar circumstances, before we seek to judge others.

    It always starts with…you.



  • More ways to destroy trust…

    More ways to destroy trust…

    Our consideration of trust is often limited to promises or follow through on something that was clearly agreed with another.

    However, trust is broken in many ways, most of which are subtle and often unintended.

    It’s these subtle breaches that leave us seething with anger or raging with tears while not knowing how to connect the betrayal that we feel with the specific conduct of another.

    More than this, it also makes it that much more difficult to express ourselves clearly when they seem oblivious to the hurt or offence that they cause.

    Connecting with why we feel betrayed makes it possible to process those feelings of betrayal in a more constructive way, and allows us to diminish the impact that it has on our sense of self.

    Once we can reconcile in our minds what it is that drives us insane about the behaviour from those closest to us, it makes it easier to see their shortcomings as a reflection of who they are, rather than always assuming that they may take us for granted because of who we are.

    That clarity of understanding and perspective could mean the difference between a life of angst and self-loathing, versus one of understanding and purposeful investment in those relationships that mean the most to you.

    You cannot help those around you to slay their demons if you’re bringing your demons to the table.

    Here are 9 not-so-obvious ways in high we may be breaching the trust that others place in us :

    1. Remaining silent when your words could have provided comfort or support


    2. Deliberately avoiding a request for something that you know is important to someone


    3. Withholding affection when you know it’s needed


    4. Deliberately doing something that you know is offensive or hurtful to another


    5. Being dishonest when relating your story, or withholding part of a story to avoid conflict or accountability


    6. Being unnecessarily harsh without apologising for your conduct (or regularly repeating this behaviour after apologising each time)


    7. Treating your obligations or commitments as optional or subject to your convenience


    8. Demanding your rights from others but ignoring your responsibilities towards them


    9. Dismissing the contribution that others make towards your life

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Dishonesty is the thief of peace

    Dishonesty is the thief of peace

    We focus too much on how others treat us, and too little on how we treat ourselves.

    Honesty is one of those things that we find distasteful and repulsive when someone withholds it from us, but we overlook it when we do it to ourselves.

    When we’re dishonest with ourselves, we find ways to justify that dishonesty.

    That justification comes in the form of avoiding tough discussions, surrounding ourselves with people we find agreeable, and avoiding those who will challenge us when what we say doesn’t resonate with how we behave.

    That’s how we end up running away from the harsh truths that we prefer not to face, until eventually we become convinced that our running away is in fact our struggle to create a better life for ourselves.

    We convince ourselves that the circles that agree with us are in fact the ones who care, while most often they’re also running away from their own lives, looking for familiarity in their quest to find their ‘tribe’.

    We must choose our company wisely. But we must also choose it sincerely.

    Like a wound, avoiding the truth of who we are or what we’re responsible for, only creates fertile ground for such realities to become festering wounds that slowly rupture and destroy the very peace that we set out to achieve.

    That’s how the past that is not resolved, haunts the future that we’re desperately in need of.

    You owe yourself honesty and sincerity before anyone else owes it to you.

    It always starts with you.

  • When your sincerity is tested

    When your sincerity is tested

    Our sincerity is tested when we’re faced with the opportunity to contribute in kindness, while being treated with disregard or ingratitude.

    But it’s not our sincerity towards others that is tested.

    It is the sincerity of our convictions about what we hold true as principles to live by.

    We lose the best of who we are, when we abandon it in the face of neglect from others.

    When we withhold our contribution because we’re afraid that it won’t be appreciated, or repaid in kind, we diminish who we are to become like who they are.

    Of course, in everything, there must be moderation.

    And the moderation in this is that we must be mindful of when our selfless contribution may be enabling their selfish behaviour, or validating their ingratitude.

    So give without the expectation of receiving, but don’t give to the point where you exhaust yourself while feeding the ungrateful mindset of one who feels entitled without good cause.

    Moderation is key in everything that you do, except your expression of gratitude.

    And sometimes, that gratitude is expressed by withholding your contribution from others because you want them to experience gratitude for what they keep taking for granted before you continue to give.

    It always starts with you.

  • Feeding that generational curse

    Feeding that generational curse

    Don’t contribute towards the generational curse that weighs you down by withholding who you are because of ingratitude from those who themselves are at war within themselves.

    We all have our internal battles that cause us to show up badly at times.

    When we lose sight of this, we focus on how others show up badly and then judge them, or we judge our value to them, as being inadequate.

    That’s when we expect the world to make up for how we feel about ourselves, despite having traded the best of us for the worst of others.

    But this transaction is an internal, quietly hidden one.

    It’s a transaction that creeps up slowly, almost gently, so as not to cause alarm as we shift from gratitude, towards ingratitude, and finally towards bitterness.

    When you feel like you’re facing roadblocks at every turn, it’s time to take stock of where you’re at, so that you can find your way back to the path towards the destination that you wanted for yourself before you were distracted by the demons of others.

    You don’t break generational curses by fighting it.

    You break it by rising above it, while creating space for your tribe to join you when they’ve had opportunity to experience the value of your journey.

    But, if you don’t pursue your journey with conviction and consistency, you deny yourself and others the opportunity to discover a more wholesome way to live.

    It always starts with you.

  • The burden of self-loathing

    The burden of self-loathing

    Allow me to explain…

    “I trust more easily those who expose the struggles of their lives, rather than those who live a life of pretend.”

    Our need to pretend is evidence of self-loathing.

    “But not those who present their struggles to justify their shortcomings.”

    Too many preempt being judged harshly about what they know they’re lacking in their conduct, and present their struggles to offer an excuse for why they are unable to be better than who they are.

    This is further evidence of self-loathing.

    “Such struggles are filtered versions of the truth to present a facade to win favour or sympathy.”

    Be weary of those who wear their hearts on their sleeves. They will expect you to honour their struggles rather than to uplift them from that space.

    “If we lie about our life, how can we be trusted about anything else?”

    Those who present their lives to be something other than what it evidently is, are ashamed of who they are.

    Again, self-loathing is what drives their behaviour.

    When you engage with such people, or if you are doing some of this, the problem to be solved is not one of honesty or authenticity.

    The problem to be solved is one of acceptance and understanding to reconnect with the human that feels less than human.

    To reconnect with the human who lost sight of their value, rather than to correct their behaviour.

    And if you can’t connect despite your best efforts, then remain silent and walk away.

    Your harsh criticism or judgment, no matter how well-intentioned, will further beat down the one who is already beating themselves up.

    Be kind. Be understanding. Be human.

  • Don’t lose yourself to the chase

    Don’t lose yourself to the chase

    No one sets out to chase money or the high life.

    But many convince themselves that such a lifestyle will earn them the happiness and fulfilment that they desire.

    Sadly, we easily become distracted by the lifestyle and lose sight of the fulfilment that we seek.

    What we need emotionally, and how we need to show up for those around us, is quickly forgotten in the chase to maintain what we have, or to increase it.

    When we become defined by the quality of life that we have, we lose ourselves to its pursuit.

    Worse still, when we define our quality of life by what we have, we must realise that we have already lost ourselves and the cherished bonds with those around us.

    There are many who fiercely defend the accumulation of wealth and luxury as their service to those around them.

    They’re the ones who believe that who they are is not enough, hence the need to compensate by providing materially what they lack emotionally.

    Gratitude for the self must precede gratitude for our quality of life, or else we’ll find ourselves forever feeling incomplete, being able to choose our misery, but unable to choose our fulfilment.

    Choose carefully, before all you’re left with is wasted time and lots of money.



  • Know why, or else…

    Know why, or else…

    I often have to remind myself that it is not the disregard that others show for what I do that matters, it is my need for them to show regard for what I do that distracts me when they are uninterested or condescending.

    Similarly, it’s not the disrespect, or the lack of affection that gets us down, it’s the knowledge that we trusted someone with our need, while they chose not to honour our need, that hurts us.

    The hurt often distracts us towards fighting for our needs to be honoured, or our trust to be appreciated, while distracting us from two key things.

    We gave trust because we have it to give, and can therefore retract it at will rather than waiting for it to be returned.

    And, we offered of ourselves to someone who themselves may not have the same to offer in return.

    The choice on how to proceed from that point of realisation is dependent on how much value we place in that relationship, and in that need that we have from them.

    Recognising these differences could be the difference between abandoning a relationship for the wrong reasons, or staying in it for the wrong reasons.

    The right thing to do only comes to us when we understand why something feels wrong.

    Otherwise we end up raging or feeling despondent without knowing why, and then wait for the world to make us feel better about ourselves.

    If you make big decisions without understanding why you feel compelled to make such decisions, you will find a lot of regret awaiting you on your path through life.