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  • If you think you can’t, then you won’t…

    If you think you can’t, then you won’t…

    Archive Post… I can’t count how often I’ve been told, “Not everyone is like you!”

    That comment was usually in response to me encouraging them to do better or to rise above what was troubling them.

    You see, the assumption that a weak person makes is that some people are gifted to be more successful than others.

    The reality though, is that we all have the same potential.

    Some just realise that waiting for permission to be capable in their own right is a waste of life. So they own their contribution towards what they want to achieve.

    Unfortunately, too many convince themselves that they’re not built that way. That they’re not as gifted or that no one understands what they’re going through.

    But, like Henry Ford said, “If you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

    Sadly, too many think that they can’t, and then blame the world for the state in which they find themselves.

    We place limitations on ourselves most often out of spite, rather than because we truly believe we’re limited in some way.

    Do you know why spite? Because there are too many that will refuse to do something for themselves just because someone they don’t like, or don’t respect suggested that they should do it.

    It’s a result of a low self-worth car causes us to focus more on what others may think of us, than what we think of ourselves.

    That’s why emotional maturity is so important, and emotional maturity is impossible without self-awareness.

    Worrying about what others think of you is a distraction from self-awareness.

    With so many people distracted, it’s little wonder that most don’t know how to own their life.

    It always starts with you.

  • Burn yourself, why don’t you.

    Burn yourself, why don’t you.

    Anger always claims a higher price from ourselves than it ever will from the people on whom we project it.

    And before you assume that to be false because of the lasting impact that it has on its victims, understand that that lasting impact is because of their anger at the one who was taking out their anger on them.

    When we carry the impact of such anger for long after the incident has passed, it’s because we cannot make peace with what was done to us, while waiting anxiously for our pain or suffering to be acknowledged, and the perpetrator to be given a taste of justice.

    No matter the circumstances, our anger is because of our feelings of insignificance or dry the hands of those who treated us badly.

    What we hold onto them keeps us on high alert for any signs of anyone else treating us in that way.

    That’s why innocent gestures from others will trigger us, because it feels like those experiences that still haunts us.

    Anger is our demand for significance from the world, especially from significant others.

    Anger is always expressed in a space where we have no fear of repercussions, but is kept at bay when we have reason to fear the consequences of our angry expression.

    The one who is angry is the one whose self-worth is low in that moment of anger.

    Therefore, as long as you hold onto anger, you diminish your self-worth.

    For this reason, we must own our anger, and we must recognise the source of the anger from those around us.

    The moment we react in free, we become a willing participant in their war, while believing that we are justified in giving them a taste of their own medicine.

    The question is, at what price do we lose ourselves to anger in our fight for justice or in our efforts to correct the wrongs around us?

    Anger is not needed for firm and resolute action against injustice.

    If anything, it distracts us from our purpose and causes us to become oppressors, just like the ones who oppressed us.

  • Trading the future for the past

    Trading the future for the past

    Sometimes, we lose ourselves in the struggle to build the future that we want, while forgetting that it’s a struggle because we’re still living in the past.

    Our expectations about what opportunities lie ahead, or what we believe we’re capable of achieving, are defined by what we believe to be true about the events that got us to the present moment.

    It is the betrayals, the disappointments, the failures, and the downright bad luck that we may have experienced before, that weigh us down in the present.

    Unless we see it for what it was, we’ll believe that we’re striving for the future, while not realising that all we’re doing is trying to avoid a repeat of the past.

    That’s how the present moment is lost.

    And it’s the present moment that shapes the future, never the past.

    Recognising what was out of our control, or what was a result of the demons that others were fighting, and especially recognising why it was impossible for us to have known better at that time, is what breaks the emotional choke hold of the past, so that we may be able to reclaim the present.

    Even if you chose to ignore good advice, in that moment, the reasons for your emotions pulling you towards ignoring it needs to be understood if you ever hope to be more mindful about such opportunities in future.

    Judging ourselves, or others, only ever has relevance at the time of trying to figure out what our contribution was towards that unpleasant outcome.

    The moment we accept that contribution, judgement no longer has any place in what shapes our decisions for the future.

    If you want your future to be worth looking forward to, you need to reclaim the present moment by making peace with your past, no matter how bitter or painful the impact of it may be.

    If not, you trade your future for that same bitter past, while blaming others for denying you your happiness.

    It always starts with you.

  • Confidently you…and only you

    Confidently you…and only you

    The question is, do you know yourself well enough to have an informed opinion of yourself?

    When we rely on others for more than just feedback, and instead, we allow them to validate who we are, we essentially give them the power to define how we feel about ourselves.

    Listening to what others think of you must be done with one single focus in mind.

    It must be with the objective of determining whether or not the message that you intended was in fact the message that they received.

    But that means that you must know what your message is.

    What is your unique contribution?

    Self-awareness shifts your focus from being aware of how others see you, to being aware of who you want to be.

    Once you improve your awareness of who you want to be, you’ll begin to accept input from others as feedback on whether you’re achieving that goal, or not.

    You won’t get distracted by trying to convince them to think kindly of you, or by feeling a need to defend what you’ve fallen short in.

    It’s a subtle but critical difference, and the difference could be sanity and peace, versus going crazy looking for validation from people who themselves have yet to accept who they are.

    Choose wisely, or else it will be a case of the blind leading the blind.

    So…do you know who you are, or do you rely on others to validate whether you’re good or bad, likeable or annoying, significant or invisible?

    It always starts with you.



  • Assumed to be inadequate

    Assumed to be inadequate

    Assumptions are those things that eventually appear as facts because we’ve been making those assumptions for so long that we don’t see reason to question it any longer.

    It’s a theme that sets in over a long period of time, and becomes the lens through which we see the world.

    More importantly, it becomes the lens through which we see ourselves.

    When we lose sight of these assumptions, we either become delusional about our success, or self-deprecating about our inadequacy.

    Either way, it denies us a harmonious and fulfilled life.

    As we respond to the demands of life, we slowly grow convinced that we were compelled to do much of what has contributed towards the quality of our life.

    For example, it’s the avoidance of homelessness that drives many to seek employment, or the need to pay debts that convince us to spend wisely, or the need to hold on to our jobs that drive us to improve our knowledge and skills.

    Each of those are driven by fear, even though we may find some joy or accomplishment in them.

    When fear is the underlying motivator that drives us to accomplish big goals, we soon find ourselves wondering once more, “OK. What’s next?”

    We end up chasing life and slowly getting worn down when we lose sight of the fact that regardless of the reason why we HAD TO DO something, our ability to do it was a true reflection of our capability.

    That’s the part that we should focus on. Our capability, not the fear that drove us to be capable.

    Take away the fear, and suddenly you’ll realise that you don’t need an external motivator to accomplish goals in life.

    You just need to recognise your own abilities, and develop your own vision for the life that you want.

    It’s really that simple.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Defending myself into misery

    Defending myself into misery

    Defensiveness is driven by a belief that you’re under attack.

    Hence the need to defend ourselves when someone tries to correct us.

    The defensive response on our part confirms that we assume their intention to be other than genuine concern for what we’re experiencing.

    We also assume that we must be right to feel a certain way, and therefore shut down any opportunity to understand why someone’s hurtful or offensive behaviour may be a reaction to their own emotional duress.

    We don’t justify it, but it makes it easier to understand it and respond more effectively to it if we pause to understand the real reason for it.

    The most common reason for feeling emotional is fear.

    In various forms, it is the fear of loss, or the fear of being insignificant that causes emotional duress.

    Therefore, when we choose to honour our emotions above all else, we’re in fact honouring that fear and preventing ourselves from understanding and undoing the grip that it has on us.

    We’re human. So we don’t expect to never get emotional.

    What’s important though is how long does it take us to regain our composure after feeling the emotional impact of an experience, rather than not feeling emotions at all.

    Be careful about losing your sense of self to your emotions, and then insisting that the emotional state is simply who you are.

    Moderation in everything.



  • A brain dump

    The obstinacy with which I once wrote, escapes me lately. It was an obstinacy borne from the absence of expectation. Self-awareness is easily distracted by familiarity that we may share with others. In a moment of inclusion after a lifetime of isolation, the self is quickly lost.

    Re-finding that which was lost becomes an arduous task if it was never consciously claimed. A natural disposition that set me at odds with life has revealed secrets and lessons that continue to claim a heavy toll. I find myself in an increasingly awkward position of understanding with greater clarity many whom I encounter, while realising with greater intensity that I remain misunderstood, or more accurately, invisible.

    To be misunderstood implies that there is an attempt at understanding, or at least, an attempt at acceptance. Life has been more about a comfortable and convenient presence, rather than any belonging to a whole greater than my solitude. Even that presence was most often uncomfortable and inconvenient for most.

    The greatest ravaging that I’ve encountered was always after having felt appreciated. The betrayal of social contracts occur subtly, awkwardly, and most often silently. Occasionally, a slip of the tongue reveals the betrayal, but most often, it is the quiet withdrawal, the discreet exclusion, or the polite rejection of my efforts that proclaim boldly that any shift I assumed to have achieved in my belonging to that whole was a shift teased into reality by a desperate soul.

    Looking at the stranger in the mirror, wondering about its peculiarities and its incompleteness, the detachment between it and I increases. Out of body experiences are rare occurrences for most, but feeling like I am one with my body has always felt strangely unfamiliar. It’s a dichotomy and an ambiguity that perplexes more than it comforts. I would have thought that after more than half a century, some familiarity would have evolved in this regard. I assumed incorrectly.

    Sharing the long form posts that once was my grounding point in my search for sanity has long since been abandoned in favour of delivering a thought, or a string of thoughts, in small, hopefully coherent chunks appealing to the masses, while betraying my true desire for unbridled expression. That desire waxes and wanes, but it has waned more than it has waxed for the longest time now. The need to tell my story, or any story, diminishes with each hour.

    I always subscribed to the philosophy that if we do what we love, we’ll never work a day in our life. What I didn’t realise is that when my sustenance for the bare essentials of life became dependent on that which I love, the compromise to remain relevant versus being true to what I love blurred the lines between spontaneous authenticity and deliberated expression.

    It is the need for understanding that has been my fuel through life, but it is my expectation of understanding that has often been my undoing. There were many times when I felt a joyful liberation at what I thought was my soul unfurling, only to realise that it was unravelling instead. Life has indeed been one long soliloquy, but without an audience. If not for the fool in me, I would have abandoned this obstinacy of expression by now.

    Much of me aches to recede and grow silent. If only I could kill that obstinacy within.

  • Collective guilt, collective malice

    Collective guilt, collective malice

    One of the trappings of the victim head space is that it convinces us to surround ourselves with those who will understand why we’re weak, or why we behave badly, because they themselves struggle with similar demons.

    Our need to avoid rejection or to feel validated causes us more harm than good.

    The comfort that we get from that is fleeting, while what is important to us is neglected.

    It’s like placing a band aid over a festering wound to prevent chafing.

    It may offer a very brief comfort, but the wound eventually turns septic and results in long term pain.

    It’s for this reason that we avoid sincere advisors who push us to get out of the rut that we’re in, while polarising towards those who pacify us about being in that rut because they’re so understanding.

    That’s how we surround ourselves with those who share our shortcomings and our excuses, while we convince ourselves that we found our tribe.

    Sins are not sinful because it carries with it the threat of damnation or divine punishment. They’re sinful because they’re an injustice against our soul.

    An injustice against ourselves results in us treating others unjustly.

    Virtues become sins when applied maliciously or excessively, and sins can be received as a virtue when it uplifts with kindness more than the harshness of religiosity can achieve.

    If we’re not careful, we’ll celebrate our virtues because it is supported by those who are equally distracted by their self-praise, while harming others because of our arrogance in worship.

    How often hasn’t overt worship been the safe space for abusers and oppressors, while the meek pray silently in the darkness?

    Be mindful of who you surround yourself with, and what calibre of advisors you seek.

    Otherwise, you may end up destroying yourself while feeling like it was your destiny not to find happiness.

    It always starts with you.