Tag: selfworth

  • Who do you think you are?

    Who do you think you are?

    We self-loathe when we assume what we think others think of us, and then use that to justify why we should not serve them.

    It’s an irony that is intended to voice to the world our dissatisfaction at how we’re being treated, while contributing towards the very reason why the world treats us that way to begin with.

    Just like darkness is the absence of light, misery and harshness is the absence of kindness and generosity of spirit.

    The moment we trade our ability to be kind or generous in favour of being harsh or selfish, we deny ourselves the fulfilment that none other can provide because it is a fulfilment experienced in being able to uplift, not in being uplifted.

    The misery that we feel when we do that to ourselves is then projected on those we wish would treat us better, while not realising that we’re competing with the same demons that have already overwhelmed or distracted them.

    It would be quite comical if it wasn’t so destructive.

    The only time we should withhold our generosity or support is when it enables another to oppress others, or us.

    And even then, we need to be measured in our response by ensuring that we don’t dish out harshness or cruelty to fight oppression.

    At the most, we should simply disengage so that we’re no longer available to enable such bad behaviour.

    If we’re mindful of the value of who we are, self-loathing will feel uncomfortably lacking in authenticity as we try to convince ourselves that we’re worthless while we know with absolute conviction that we are capable of doing more.

    Self-loathing is the ultimate middle finger to ourselves and does nothing to improve the state in which we find ourselves.

    So if you find yourself self-loathing, ask yourself, “Is this truly all I’m capable of?”

    It always starts with you.

  • Your dignity is yours to claim

    Your dignity is yours to claim

    Did you notice how some people, when faced with soul destroying realities, are still dignified in how they rise above it.

    If you wait for your aggressor or abuser to treat you with dignity before you find reason to respect yourself, you’re doing life back to front.

    Expecting recognition of your humanness from the world is like expecting your tormentor to become your mentor.

    It’s irrational.

    Dignity is not bestowed, it is claimed!

    It is undignified to ask to be treated with dignity because that means that your dignity is dependent on how others treat you.

    It means that it’s dependent on others agreeing that you’re deserving of dignity.

    You either maintain your dignity in the face of them being undignified towards you, or you trade your dignity for inclusion or validation.

    However, be sure that you’re offering what you’re demanding from others.

    Expecting people to treat you with respect and dignity while you treat them harshly or dismissively is hypocrisy, and hypocrisy is the opposite of dignity.

    As always, you cannot give what you don’t have.

    If you lack self-respect, you’re likely to demand respect from others so that you can feel better about yourself, while ignoring the fact that you not only treat others with disrespect, but you also treat yourself the same way.

    If you lack mindfulness of who you are in moments when your patience is tested, you’ll feel compelled to respond the way that you think they deserve, rather than being able to consciously choose who you want to be in that moment.

    It always starts with you.

    mentalhealthrecovery

  • Too good to be true

    Too good to be true

    I’m often asked why is it that someone with a solid self-worth can have their sense of self totally destroyed by a bad relationship.

    This is why.

    Despite our best intentions, placing someone on a pedestal is never a good idea.

    Not only will it blind us to their humanness, it will also distract us from our potential.

    Worse than this, it distorts our judgement of ourselves when they don’t respond or react the way we need them to.

    Firstly, when we elevate someone in that way, we forget that it’s based on our perception of who they are, and not because they claimed that spot on the pedestal that we built.

    Secondly, because of this misplaced belief in their excellence of character or accomplishment, the success or failure of our efforts to earn their praise or affection leaves us questioning our worth because of how much credibility we place on their reactions towards us.

    Remember, we placed them on that pedestal, so they probably have no idea why our expectations of them are so high, making it easier for them to fail us without them knowing why.

    When they falter, we see them as falling from grace because we assume that they always thought that they were too good for us, meanwhile they never saw themselves that way to begin with.

    Worse still, that unreasonable expectation that we place on them could easily provoke their insecurities, resulting in them deliberately resisting what we need from them.

    That sets in motion a cycle that destroys an otherwise good relationship when we blame them for not living up to the expectations that we imposed on them, while accusing them of setting such high expectations.

    Be mindful of what you take from others versus what they’re offering.

    Otherwise you’ll create self-fulfilling prophecies while blaming the world for your misery.


  • Pitying yourself into oblivion

    Pitying yourself into oblivion

    Self-pity is an indulgence in futility that results from picking at our wounds long after the betrayal from another has passed.

    Waiting for someone to care about us before we care for ourselves is not about needing them to care as much as it is about us wanting them to see how important they are to us.

    If they respond positively, it boosts our self-worth because someone we care about cares about us.

    While that may seem perfectly reasonable, it still means that we only care for ourselves if we feel cared for.

    That’s not self-worth, nor is it love. That’s ingratitude.

    Trading with emotions to test a significant other’s commitment to us is passive aggressive guilt-tripping and not love or affection.

    It’s a transaction of benefit because we’ve lost sight of the value of who we are regardless of what others think of us.

    Of course, the critical dependency in this is that our belief in who we are is based on substance and not wishful thinking, or self-aggrandisement.

    Self-pity serves as a distraction from the life that we want, because it demands that we place our life on hold waiting for someone else to care.

    That’s when ingratitude digs deeper into our soul and the self-pity soon becomes self-loathing because we failed the test that we administered on another.

    Doesn’t make sense, does it?

    Neither does self-pity.

    Don’t wait for someone to value you before you value yourself.

    Own Your Life.

  • Bitter sweet arrogance

    Bitter sweet arrogance

    Arrogance is a result of insecurity that is presented as unwarranted confidence.

    While it’s easier to focus on the harshness that results from such behaviour, it’s more important to remember that only an insecure person will have a need to demand significance through arrogant behaviour.

    Arrogance serves as a distraction from our harsh self-judgement.

    If someone behaves arrogantly towards us, it feels like a personal attack because it undermines our significance or the respect and consideration that we believe we deserve.

    Whether we deserve to be treated better than that or not is not the critical issue.

    The fact that we need someone to treat us better than that is what defines where we’re at about how we value ourselves.

    That’s where self-worth or self-loathing on our part either feeds that cycle of arrogance, or it breaks it.

    Think of it this way.

    If an arrogant person is behaving that way because they’re already feeling inadequate, and you demand that they treat you better than that, you’re simply reinforcing their reasons to believe that they’re inadequate.

    You don’t resolve that by pointing out what you deserve from them.

    You solve that by introspecting on why their struggle with themselves has such an impact on you.

    Owning your self-worth is the beginning of finding peace in life.

    But ensure that your self-worth is based on substance, and not just wishful thinking or baseless affirmations.

    If there isn’t substance to your belief in yourself, your self-worth will result in you being selfish and destroying what could be a good relationship.

    It always starts with you.

  • Own your failure, own your growth

    Own your failure, own your growth

    Why do we feel accomplished and proud of our efforts when things work out, but we blame fate or taqdeer when we encounter trials or failure?

    The reality is, given our ability to reason and to choose how we respond to what we are faced with, both good and bad, we’ll never have certainty as to what was destined versus what is up to us to determine.

    If everything was destined, despite our best efforts or no efforts, there would be no reason for accountability, either in this world to our fellow humans, or in the Hereafter when we are taken to account in front of the Almighty.

    Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, the fact that we can choose, and that those choices have very real consequences that we cannot wish away, means that the sooner we take accountability for those consequences, the sooner we’ll be able to learn from it and do better.

    When we convince ourselves that it wasn’t in our destiny to have something, we’re simply protecting our ego from having to accept that we failed at something important to us.

    Failure is OK. It means that you had the courage to believe in something enough to try to achieve it.

    What you do with the information that you acquired through failing determines whether you’re a failure or whether you’re still learning.

    And we’re all still learning.

    Right until the day we die, we’re still learning.

    You wanna know why? Because every new moment in our life is a moment that we didn’t live before.

    We were never 20, or 30, or 50 years old before. We were never parenting a 5 or 10 or 20 year old before.

    And we were never parents, grandparents, or whatever role we play at THIS point in our lives before.

    So stop blaming destiny or taqdeer and own your life.

    If not, those who own theirs will own yours as well.

    It always starts with you.

  • Enabling abuse

    Enabling abuse

    We often believe in others the way we wish they would believe in us.

    Sometimes, when we give up hope in someone believing in us, we find it that much more difficult to believe in others.

    It’s these same emotional commitments that drive us toward making excuses for bad behaviour from someone close to us.

    As with everything in life, without moderation, making such excuses becomes harmful.

    Therefore, when we keep making excuses or creating space for someone who consistently behaves badly despite having been made aware of the harm of their ways, we enable an abusive relationship.

    Many feel guilty for withholding affection or support under such circumstances from fear of transacting or ‘being like them’.

    However, the moment we make it about how we feel or how we want to be seen, we lose sight of the harm that we’re enabling.

    Just because we disagree with someone’s behaviour doesn’t mean that we hate or condemn them.

    In fact, if we truly love or care about someone, we will not enable them to behave badly because we wouldn’t want someone we love to cause harm to others or to ourselves.

    The moment you condone bad behaviour beyond accepting the humanness of one who makes a mistake, you’re not doing it for them anymore, you’re doing it to protect your ego.

    Too many complain about being caught up in an abusive relationship but refuse to take accountability for their contribution towards enabling the abusive cycles in which they’re trapped.

    You have to own your life before you can improve it.

    It always starts with you.

  • The courage to own your life

    The courage to own your life

    The courage to own your life will pay dividends long after you’re gone. It’s an investment in the generations to come.

    In the same way that we look back on our predecessors or great grandparents and feel a sense of awe about their achievements, or their way of life, generations from now, someone may be doing the same about us.

    That’s why it’s important to get over our insecurities and act with purpose and conviction.

    No legacy worth leaving was ever created by focusing on what others might say.

    If nothing else, worrying about what people may say is the very root of the fear that prevents us from sharing with this world what it desperately needs.

    Authenticity.

    When we operate from a place of fear, we step into survival mode.

    We’re prone to protect what we have or what we’ve inherited, rather than growing because of it.

    That fear then makes us aggressive towards those who don’t deserve it, and it convinces us that what we have is all we’ll ever be capable of achieving.

    Courage results from believing in the value of what we are capable of creating, and pursuing it as if our life will remain incomplete without it.

    But that assumes that you haven’t already surrendered to your fears and embraced the probability of amounting to very little by the time of your death.

    Don’t wait until your final sleep arrives before realising that you prevented yourself from living.

    Your past only defines the experience and skill that you acquired to navigate your future. It doesn’t, and never will define your future.

    It always starts with you.