Tag: mentalhealthawareness

  • Cutting your nose to spite your face?

    Cutting your nose to spite your face?

    Spite is that thing we do when we don’t want to appear needy or dependant on others for something that we need from them.

    Like needing attention or validation, but not wanting to appear desperate.

    If we feel valued, we’ll have a reasonable discussion without feeling as if it’s going to make us appear weak.

    If we don’t feel valued, and we don’t want to appear vulnerable or needy with that person, we’ll express our dissatisfaction through behaving in a way that is deliberately unpleasant or spiteful about something that we know the other person doesn’t appreciate.

    Either way, spite is driven by our need to be appreciated by someone who is important to us, while we judge ourselves for being weak by needing them to make us feel good.

    So when someone is being spiteful, consider in what way they may think you took them for granted. But also consider how weak they feel for needing your appreciation in the first place.

    You can either feel burdened with the responsibility of having to make them feel better about themselves, or you can focus on the fact that you’re important enough for them to need your validation or affection.

    But, as always, you can’t give what you don’t have.

    So if you don’t feel secure about who you are, you’re likely to focus on feeling burdened by their need for validation from you, resulting in you returning the favour of spite because you also don’t want to appear weak to them.

    Thus, a juvenile cycle of tit-for-tat ensues, as each partner tests the resolve of the other to see who is going to give in first, while both lose sight of how much life is being wasted in the process.

    Who breaks the cycle?

    Who is responsible for your feelings of weakness or inadequacy?

    As always, it starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • What are you taking from life?

    What are you taking from life?

    Our efforts towards others is what we give.

    How they receive and reciprocate those efforts is what we get.

    But what we take from that exchange is often lost to the emotional experience that lasts long after the moment has passed.

    What we take is OUR interpretation of what was behind the way that someone responded to our efforts towards them.

    It’s the assumptions that we make, and the signs we look for to confirm our assumptions to be true, that define what we take from others.

    Those assumptions are most often due to what we believe to be our value to them. It’s our assumption of how much they value us.

    It doesn’t mean that what we assume to be true is a reflection of how they truly value us.

    That’s when we become distracted by how our efforts are validated, rather than focusing on what value we want to create in that moment with them.

    The healthier our self-esteem, the kinder we’ll be towards them and ourselves with the assumptions that we make.

    Otherwise, if we don’t our own value, we’ll assume that their less-than-enthusiastic reaction towards us is because of who we are, and not because of what they may be grappling with in their own self-worth.

    When two unhealthy self-esteems collide, innocent beings are hurt, and a lifetime of pain is nurtured.

    Break the cycle by owning your self-worth, so that you don’t hold others accountable for how you feel about yourself.

    It always starts with you.



  • Reframe what brings you joy

    Reframe what brings you joy

    Reframing our perspective on life is more important than trying to solve problems that have been plaguing us for years, if not generations.

    Like Einstein said, “You cannot solve a problem with the same thinking that created it.”

    Or something like that.

    Point is, if you keep hitting your head against a brick wall hoping for it to break, you know it’s more likely to break your head instead.

    So, either find something softer to hit your head against, if that’s what you’re into…or…

    Find a more effective way of breaking that wall.

    Hint: it’s not your head.

    This meme is a quote from my upcoming release, Own Your Life. It’s the revised edition of my last book titled Own Your Shit, with some new chapters added, and a lot of work done to improve the way in which the reader can connect with the message in the book.

    Copies should be available by beginning December 2021.

  • Gratitude starts with you

    Gratitude starts with you

    The very essence of gratitude lies in recognising the value of what we have.

    That sounds obvious, yet so many take for granted the lives that they have while yearning for a life that feels out of reach.

    The moment we long for something that isn’t there, we risk taking for granted that which is there.

    When we focus on what we don’t have, we’ll be focused on the shortcomings and flaws of what we do have.

    This applies to both people and things.

    We grow distracted by what we believe we deserve when we don’t trust those around us to be concerned about what we need.

    That lack of trust is due to many reasons, most of which relate to how we see ourselves.

    But, most importantly, the underlying expectation that accompanies such a focus on what we believe we deserve means that we feel betrayed each time we don’t get what we need.

    Expectation, by default, carries with it a sense of entitlement. That’s why we feel betrayed when our expectations are not met.

    But back to gratitude. If you look at what you get from others, and you assume that it’s simply their duty or obligation to provide it, then you won’t appreciate the blessing contained in what they provide, regardless of their reasons for providing it.

    That’s how we become ungrateful without meaning to.

    That’s how life becomes transactional.

    That’s how happiness and peace becomes elusive.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Are you losing yourself?

    Are you losing yourself?

    It’s easy to lose yourself if you don’t really know who you are, or who you want to be in a given moment.

    Far too often, we demand a specific response from others because of what we need, not because of what we are hoping to achieve, or create.

    Do we want to create peace, understanding, harmony, affection, and a sense of belonging?

    Or do we need to get all those things from others?

    We cannot give what we don’t have.

    When we lack some or all of that within ourselves, we’ll respond in kind towards those who also don’t have that within themselves.

    That’s how we lose ourselves to the situation in which we find ourselves, and also how we become part of the problem, instead of uplifting those who need it most.

    It always starts with you.

    You either feed the cycle of dysfunction or harshness around you, or you disrupt it by rising above it.

    The choice you make reflects how you feel about yourself long before it reflects how others feel about you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Understand. Then accept. Then forgive.

    Understand. Then accept. Then forgive.

    I see so many who claim to have forgiven, but are still weighed down by what was done to them.

    There’s an important difference between forgiving as a means to forego punishing someone or demanding retribution, versus forgiving because you truly understand why someone behaved badly.

    When that understanding is lacking, it makes it impossible to accept what they did, because we’ll never be able to reconcile why they did it.

    Without understanding why, acceptance becomes superficial, and forgiveness becomes a token gesture.

    Forgive and forget is a great notion of noble intent that often lacks any true resolution or peace.

    If you want that forgiveness to carry with it the promise of peace beyond that experience, you must seek to understand, without judgement, why someone treated you badly, or committed a dastardly deed.

    It’s through that understanding that we’ll discover that their actions were more about their demons, than it was about how they felt about us.

    If our sense of significance or self-worth was defined by their validation of who we are, even understanding won’t give us that peace.

    But, that’s on us. Not on them. We’re responsible for how we feel about ourselves. And no amount of forgiveness will change that.

    It always starts with you.

  • The weight of life

    The weight of life

    How often do we judge others for being moody just because they’re easily annoyed at things that don’t go smoothly for them?

    How often do others judge us for the same thing?

    Moodiness is most often our way of communicating that we’re unhappy about repeatedly being taken for granted, when we’re tired of communicating that we’re tired of being taken for granted. Right?

    When we want to believe that someone cares, we won’t always tell them what we need, because then we’re never certain if they respond out of sincere care or obligation.

    That’s why we choose ‘moodiness’ to express our dissatisfaction about what’s troubling us, or what we’re not getting from them.

    Just don’t lose yourself to those moods.

    Sometimes people may be too distracted by their own pressures in life, and if you wait for them to notice that you’re unhappy, you may assume that they don’t care when in fact, they were simply distracted.

    If you care about them, you’ll find a way to get their attention without judging them to be insensitive or uncaring.

    It’s all about understanding.

    When we’re not getting what we need, it doesn’t mean that we should stop giving what we’ve got.

    It always starts with you.

  • Your world. Your worries.

    Your world. Your worries.

    I walked on the lawn with bare feet the other day.

    For a moment my senses were teased and I felt grounded.

    I gazed around the garden and looked past the sprouting indigenous trees, and instead noticed the chores left unfinished, or new ones that begged for my attention.

    I walked on and paid little attention to them because the lawn felt so good beneath my feet.

    In that moment I knew that even the reality of this world and all its worries could not rob me of the fascination of that moment.

    But no sooner had that thought occurred that I found myself robbing myself of that which the world was unable to take from me.

    That’s when I realised that I willingly give up that peace, or that moment of beauty, when I allow myself or others to contaminate it by worrying about that which I can’t change or influence in that very moment.

    The most common cause of such worry is self-pity, feverish self-pity is driven by our belief that no one cares enough to share our load, or consider our needs.

    Self-pity is driven by ingratitude.

    That ingratitude is not only for what others contribute, in their own way, towards our lives, but especially ingratitude for how much value we’re able to contribute towards others if we didn’t worry about getting credit for it.

    Focus on the value that you can create in the world around you, and your gratitude for who you are will create the peace in your heart that you’re so desperately in need of.

    It always starts with you.