Tag: lifegoals

  • A hard heart beats its owner

    A hard heart beats its owner

    We become defined by what we have when we lack substance in who we are.

    We offer material comfort and chase material gains when connecting with the human, both in ourselves and in others, seems like a stretch too far.

    What we think of ourselves is what we surround ourselves with.

    The one who loves the scent of perfume won’t spend their day in the bellows of a blacksmith if they had the option to spend it in the indulgent space of a perfumery.

    The reason we avoid people who demand more of our humanness and less of our outward success is because we can’t give what we don’t have.

    Therefore, we only give of what we have.

    Similarly, we only find what we’re searching for.

    If we’re searching for evidence of why who we are is not enough, we’ll find it.

    But, in the process, we’ll also lose sight of every bit of evidence that confirms what is enough, or more than enough about who we are.

    There is nothing so bad that there is no good in it.

    When we focus on the bad, we become selfish and hard-hearted.

    Hard-heartedness only ever leads to misery, and self-imposed misery loves company.

    That’s why, when our opinions of ourselves is shaped by how others respond to us, or what we don’t have, the only thing left to give is bitterness and anger.

    Nothing more. Nothing less.

    And then we blame the world for being a cruel place.

    The world is what we make of it. And what we see in others is a reflection of how we see ourselves.

    It always starts with you.

  • Ingratitude, the illegitimate child of self-loathing

    Ingratitude, the illegitimate child of self-loathing

    When you judge yourself harshly, you lose sight of the good that you’re achieving.

    That you judge yourself at all is an indulgence in breaking yourself down, rather than lifting yourself up.

    That’s why those who judge themselves most, are also most dependent on others treating them well before they feel significant, even if their behaviour doesn’t warrant such fair treatment.

    That’s how social validation becomes the motivator for everything that we do.

    But, we’re so focused on hiding our shame of what we believe to be inadequate about ourselves that we forget that we’re hiding our shame.

    We then grow to be defined by the validation that we receive for everything on the outside while losing sight of how we’re avoiding everything on the inside.

    The more successful we are in gaining such ‘respect’ or validation from others, the more we become convinced that we’re right, and that anyone who points out our shortcomings must be wrong…or at the least, they must be cruel or envious, they just don’t understand us. .

    When judge others by the same standard that we judge ourselves.

    You must be OK with oppressing yourself first before you’ll find justification in oppressing others.

    You can only give what you have.

    That’s how the ones who are sincere in our growth will be taken for granted when we discard them in favour of those who are looking for validation for their ability to validate us.

    Victims support each other towards being OK with being victims.

    Unless you break the cycle of victim mentality, you’ll lose sight of what good you are capable of achieving, while focusing on what shame you need to pacify yourself about.

    Ingratitude is the illegitimate child of self-loathing.

    That’s when life feels most torturous.

    It always starts with you.



  • Your perspective may be your undoing

    Your perspective may be your undoing

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    Your perspective may be your undoing

    Internal conflict is the greatest contributor to misery.

    And misery or stress is felt most deeply when we’re at odds with ourselves, which affects our health because of that internal conflict.

    It is stress that always precedes any physical ailment that forms as a chronic illness within our body.

    And expectations are at the core of stress.

    We experience the most stress when what we believe others expect from us conflicts with what we expect from ourselves because it feels like they’re being unreasonable or as if they’re trying to set us up fry fail.

    But we only stress if we lack the ability or confidence to correct their expectations, or to adjust our own.

    That confidence is rarely developed in the moment of being challenged.

    Confidence comes from the credibility that we develop in ourselves after experiencing the positive outcomes of being true to ourselves.

    That means that as long as we avoid being true to ourselves because of the fear of rejection or ridicule, we won’t give ourselves an opportunity to prove ourselves.

    In other words, when we hold back because we try to fit in, we drift further away from confidence, and closer to being defined by what others think of us.

    That’s how we become miserable, because life becomes a chase for acceptance and validation.

    Accomplishments then lack sweetness or fulfilment unless someone else acknowledges the value of what we accomplished.

    But even then, we won’t truly connect with the joy and gratitude of such accomplishments because our fulfilment is found in receiving validation from others, and not in the beauty of who we are.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • If you think you can’t, then you won’t…

    If you think you can’t, then you won’t…

    Archive Post… I can’t count how often I’ve been told, “Not everyone is like you!”

    That comment was usually in response to me encouraging them to do better or to rise above what was troubling them.

    You see, the assumption that a weak person makes is that some people are gifted to be more successful than others.

    The reality though, is that we all have the same potential.

    Some just realise that waiting for permission to be capable in their own right is a waste of life. So they own their contribution towards what they want to achieve.

    Unfortunately, too many convince themselves that they’re not built that way. That they’re not as gifted or that no one understands what they’re going through.

    But, like Henry Ford said, “If you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

    Sadly, too many think that they can’t, and then blame the world for the state in which they find themselves.

    We place limitations on ourselves most often out of spite, rather than because we truly believe we’re limited in some way.

    Do you know why spite? Because there are too many that will refuse to do something for themselves just because someone they don’t like, or don’t respect suggested that they should do it.

    It’s a result of a low self-worth car causes us to focus more on what others may think of us, than what we think of ourselves.

    That’s why emotional maturity is so important, and emotional maturity is impossible without self-awareness.

    Worrying about what others think of you is a distraction from self-awareness.

    With so many people distracted, it’s little wonder that most don’t know how to own their life.

    It always starts with you.

  • Trading the future for the past

    Trading the future for the past

    Sometimes, we lose ourselves in the struggle to build the future that we want, while forgetting that it’s a struggle because we’re still living in the past.

    Our expectations about what opportunities lie ahead, or what we believe we’re capable of achieving, are defined by what we believe to be true about the events that got us to the present moment.

    It is the betrayals, the disappointments, the failures, and the downright bad luck that we may have experienced before, that weigh us down in the present.

    Unless we see it for what it was, we’ll believe that we’re striving for the future, while not realising that all we’re doing is trying to avoid a repeat of the past.

    That’s how the present moment is lost.

    And it’s the present moment that shapes the future, never the past.

    Recognising what was out of our control, or what was a result of the demons that others were fighting, and especially recognising why it was impossible for us to have known better at that time, is what breaks the emotional choke hold of the past, so that we may be able to reclaim the present.

    Even if you chose to ignore good advice, in that moment, the reasons for your emotions pulling you towards ignoring it needs to be understood if you ever hope to be more mindful about such opportunities in future.

    Judging ourselves, or others, only ever has relevance at the time of trying to figure out what our contribution was towards that unpleasant outcome.

    The moment we accept that contribution, judgement no longer has any place in what shapes our decisions for the future.

    If you want your future to be worth looking forward to, you need to reclaim the present moment by making peace with your past, no matter how bitter or painful the impact of it may be.

    If not, you trade your future for that same bitter past, while blaming others for denying you your happiness.

    It always starts with you.

  • Confidently you…and only you

    Confidently you…and only you

    The question is, do you know yourself well enough to have an informed opinion of yourself?

    When we rely on others for more than just feedback, and instead, we allow them to validate who we are, we essentially give them the power to define how we feel about ourselves.

    Listening to what others think of you must be done with one single focus in mind.

    It must be with the objective of determining whether or not the message that you intended was in fact the message that they received.

    But that means that you must know what your message is.

    What is your unique contribution?

    Self-awareness shifts your focus from being aware of how others see you, to being aware of who you want to be.

    Once you improve your awareness of who you want to be, you’ll begin to accept input from others as feedback on whether you’re achieving that goal, or not.

    You won’t get distracted by trying to convince them to think kindly of you, or by feeling a need to defend what you’ve fallen short in.

    It’s a subtle but critical difference, and the difference could be sanity and peace, versus going crazy looking for validation from people who themselves have yet to accept who they are.

    Choose wisely, or else it will be a case of the blind leading the blind.

    So…do you know who you are, or do you rely on others to validate whether you’re good or bad, likeable or annoying, significant or invisible?

    It always starts with you.



  • Assumed to be inadequate

    Assumed to be inadequate

    Assumptions are those things that eventually appear as facts because we’ve been making those assumptions for so long that we don’t see reason to question it any longer.

    It’s a theme that sets in over a long period of time, and becomes the lens through which we see the world.

    More importantly, it becomes the lens through which we see ourselves.

    When we lose sight of these assumptions, we either become delusional about our success, or self-deprecating about our inadequacy.

    Either way, it denies us a harmonious and fulfilled life.

    As we respond to the demands of life, we slowly grow convinced that we were compelled to do much of what has contributed towards the quality of our life.

    For example, it’s the avoidance of homelessness that drives many to seek employment, or the need to pay debts that convince us to spend wisely, or the need to hold on to our jobs that drive us to improve our knowledge and skills.

    Each of those are driven by fear, even though we may find some joy or accomplishment in them.

    When fear is the underlying motivator that drives us to accomplish big goals, we soon find ourselves wondering once more, “OK. What’s next?”

    We end up chasing life and slowly getting worn down when we lose sight of the fact that regardless of the reason why we HAD TO DO something, our ability to do it was a true reflection of our capability.

    That’s the part that we should focus on. Our capability, not the fear that drove us to be capable.

    Take away the fear, and suddenly you’ll realise that you don’t need an external motivator to accomplish goals in life.

    You just need to recognise your own abilities, and develop your own vision for the life that you want.

    It’s really that simple.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Collective guilt, collective malice

    Collective guilt, collective malice

    One of the trappings of the victim head space is that it convinces us to surround ourselves with those who will understand why we’re weak, or why we behave badly, because they themselves struggle with similar demons.

    Our need to avoid rejection or to feel validated causes us more harm than good.

    The comfort that we get from that is fleeting, while what is important to us is neglected.

    It’s like placing a band aid over a festering wound to prevent chafing.

    It may offer a very brief comfort, but the wound eventually turns septic and results in long term pain.

    It’s for this reason that we avoid sincere advisors who push us to get out of the rut that we’re in, while polarising towards those who pacify us about being in that rut because they’re so understanding.

    That’s how we surround ourselves with those who share our shortcomings and our excuses, while we convince ourselves that we found our tribe.

    Sins are not sinful because it carries with it the threat of damnation or divine punishment. They’re sinful because they’re an injustice against our soul.

    An injustice against ourselves results in us treating others unjustly.

    Virtues become sins when applied maliciously or excessively, and sins can be received as a virtue when it uplifts with kindness more than the harshness of religiosity can achieve.

    If we’re not careful, we’ll celebrate our virtues because it is supported by those who are equally distracted by their self-praise, while harming others because of our arrogance in worship.

    How often hasn’t overt worship been the safe space for abusers and oppressors, while the meek pray silently in the darkness?

    Be mindful of who you surround yourself with, and what calibre of advisors you seek.

    Otherwise, you may end up destroying yourself while feeling like it was your destiny not to find happiness.

    It always starts with you.