The old saying of ‘respect is earned’ robs you of self respect and replaces it with entitlement.
How we treat others is a reflection of who we are, not who they are.
Our ability to self regulate our offering of respect to those who may treat us badly is a reflection of how much we need them to treat us well before we feel good about who we are.
In other words, the less grounded we are in who we are, the more likely it is that others will impact our moods, our temper, and our overall emotional wellbeing.
Trust, on the other hand, is earned through consistency of effort about what’s important.
Trust cannot be negotiated or contracted.
If we have reason to doubt someone showing up for us, we won’t trust that they will.
That reason is sometimes because of them being unreliable, but is also often because of how someone else in the past may have disappointed us or betrayed our trust when we needed a similar thing from them. Like comfort, support, or just being there for us.
If we go through life trusting recklessly while withholding respect to those who, in our eyes, don’t deserve it, we will find ourselves reeling from betrayal long after it has passed while disrespecting those who don’t understand our pain.
Problem is, even we won’t understand our pain, so we’ll never be able to communicate it in ways that will allow those close to us to understand why we’re raging.
It all starts with self respect and self worth.
Without that, you will need others to treat you well before you treat yourself well.
Own your life.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #theegosystem #ownyourlife #narcissisticabuse #narcissist #rage #anger #angermanagement #marriage #divorce
Tag: theegosystem
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Respect is not earned
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The absence of drama is not peace
The struggle in countering the influence of a village of idiots will never be truly appreciated until we experience the impact of the dysfunction that it produces in our lives.
That impact usually only becomes evident when we’re facing upheaval that challenges any sensibility that we may rely on about life.
Parenting is largely a lost art with the opportunity to outsource a large chunk of it to social media making it easy to ‘cope’ in that way.
Losing ourselves to our own struggles that rage in our minds blinds us to the impact of our obliviousness to those around us.
The absence of drama is not peace, nor is it wholesome family time.
That is what social media and social distractions offer us. The absence of contention or conflict.
That’s how we lose sight of the values that we’re imparting without meaning to, because on the one hand, we’re validating social media as a legitimate source of learning how life works, while also confirming that such an approach to parenting or to sharing life’s moments and wisdom is all that we have available to offer.
We have greater impact through what we don’t do than what we do.
Unfortunately, we’re mostly too distracted by needing validation for what we do that we lose sight of our abdication of accountability for what we should do more of…or just what we should be doing in the first place. Period.
Our demons that distract us from what others need from us destroys more relationships than any real conflict that exists between two people.
Own your life before you end up destroying someone else’s.
#parenting #divorce #marriage #marriagegoals #lifecoaching #zaidismail #theegosystem #ownyourlife #relationshipgoals #singleparenting -
Don’t forget the human
Did you know that there is zero science to support the above beliefs about what we call mental health?
Instead, there is research that confirms that new neural pathways are formed in response to new information or new experiences. It’s called neuroplasticity.
Other research confirms that the physical gesture of a smile, regardless of your emotional disposition, releases feel-good hormones into your brain which uplifts your mood. Try it. Smile at yourself in the mirror without having any reason to smile.
When we try to rationalise life through the lens of science, we discover technically fascinating facts about the functioning of the human body, but we lose sight of the human in that body.
Feelings of anxiety, depression, rage and more, including observing others to behave in a narcissistic or bipolar manner is very real.
But it’s critical to understand that it is simply what we observe regarding their response to very real emotional experiences for them.
Depression is the absence of hope, anxiety is the fear of not being able to cope with potential outcomes that we are facing, and emotional duress about the stressors of life is what we call mental illness.
We describe what we experience in others or in ourselves as bipolar, or narcissistic behaviour, not because that is who we/they are, but because that’s how we experience that part of life.
It doesn’t mean that we’re not dealing with very real fears or duress that causes us to behave in that way.
However, when we label behaviour, we lose sight of the legitimate human experience behind that behaviour.
No one ever behaves badly when they feel appreciated, significant, or understood.
Bad behaviour or emotional duress simply means that as a human, we’re struggling to reconcile the experiences of life with our efforts to create a good life for ourselves, or others.
Medication, affirmations, supplements, and deliberate exercises to cope with such emotional duress will only ever provide interim relief.
If we don’t resolve the root cause of that duress, those interim measures become lifelong chronic crutches.
#mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #theegosystem #ownyourlife #narc -
The struggle for self-worth
Our relationship with our father, whether they’re present or absent, still with us or passed on, shapes how we feel about ourselves more than any other influencing factor in our lives.
It’s not about whether they were good or bad as humans or as parents, but rather what we took from our experiences with them, or what we took from their absence.
A father who is absent because he has to work long hours to provide for his family, could still have a positive impact if he is not harsh and impatient with his children when he does have a few moments to share with them.
Similarly, a father who is present but always fixated on rules, boundaries, rituals, and the like, will create an emotional barrier between him and his children that will convince them that who they are doesn’t matter, and that what they achieve is all that matters.
That directly conflicts with our core human need to be of significance.
What we take, or what we believe to have been their motivation to be that way towards us in our early years, is what shapes how we show up for others in our later years.
Most people who have had a difficult relationship with their father know exactly how they don’t want to do things, or how they don’t want to be as parents, but that doesn’t mean that they know how to achieve what they want in their relationship with their children.
That’s how, without meaning to, we often become exactly like the parent/so that we once judged harshly for failing us as a parent.
The most effective way to break this cycle is to understand the true reasons why your father may not have been what you needed him to be despite his best intentions or efforts.
It’s only in seeing the demons of others that we will realise that how they showed up for us was not because of who we are, but rather because of how our needs from them provoked the demons that they were grappling with.
That’s how we learn from the shortcomings of others, rather than falling into the same deficiencies because we think we’re better than them.
See the human behind the role and you’ll feed the soul of those who desperately need it.
#parenting #narcissist #narcissisticabuse #lifecoaching #zaidismail #toxicparents -
Why envy is not good for you
The Japanese have a proverb that says that a bitter heart eats its owner.
Envy or bitterness begins with how you see yourself before you find reason for it in what others have or do.
When we’re cautioned about the negative effects of these traits, we often focus on the punishment and the harm to others.
Remember, we cannot give what we don’t have. Therefore, the envious or bitter one is consumed with such thoughts about their inadequacies, but from a position of blaming others for it.
Whether they have a legitimate gripe or not doesn’t change that reality, nor does it reduce the impact that it has on them and their health.
Trying to pacify them or trying to excuse them because of their difficult experiences (even in childhood) does nothing to uplift them.
Nor does it help us if we’re the ones struggling with such feelings of envy or bitterness towards others.
First, we must be willing to be unpopular before we are able to assist, because not validating someone’s emotional disposition often results in a negative response from that person.
Nonetheless, being told what we need to hear and not what we want to hear is the beginning of planting the seeds that will eventually grow into self-awareness and understanding.
You cannot uplift if you protect yourself or others from the truth just to spare them their feelings.
Similarly, we make it impossible for others to assist or advise us sincerely if we lash out each time we’re not supported in our views about life or about others.
To grow, you must be willing to be corrected.
Ideally, such correction should be gentle and reassuring, with empathy and compassion.
But that doesn’t mean that we should reject it if the tone is not what we want.
We must be more invested in wanting to learn than in how we want to be taught, otherwise we will go through life blaming others for not treating us the way that we want to be treated.
It always starts with you.
#mentalhealth#selfworth#lifecoaching#zaidismail#ownyourlife#mentalhealthawareness#narcissist
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Heal yourself before you heal the world
When we’re in a problematic relationship, it becomes easy to focus on what others are doing wrong.
This may be justified, or maybe not. Either way, it distracts us from our contribution towards that situation that we’re party to.
That’s the important part. To recognise that we are either enabling or sustaining the cycle in which we’re caught.
Focusing on what others need to change is only productive if we’re having a meaningful discussion with them about how we’re affected by their behaviour.
Beyond that, it serves as nothing more than a distraction from how we conduct ourselves in response to their behaviour.
The moment you go into such a situation assuming that you’re right and they’re wrong, you become part of the problem, if not the problem itself.
Relationships are about finding a balance, not about finding a compromise.
Compromises lead to scorekeeping and bitterness if either person thinks that they’re contributing more than the other.
Stop compromising and start focusing on what you’re both wanting to create together.
If you need them to make you feel complete, you’re horribly distracted from what you find lacking in yourself.
Healthy relationships are formed when two people own their contribution towards the joint goals of the relationship and create space for each other relative to their strengths and weaknesses without judging each other for the same.
If that sounds like a mouthful, or if it sounds complicated, then chances are very good that you’re getting it wrong, or you’re not acknowledging your contribution towards whatever frustrations or challenges you’re experiencing with your partner.
Everyone wants to feel heard.
Everyone wants to feel seen.
Everyone wants to feel appreciated.
Not just you.
Keep that in mind the next time you approach addressing an issue with your partner and hopefully the outcome will result in understanding and a commitment towards mutual goals that will create a bond between you that you never experienced before.
#mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #selfworth #selfawareness #relationshipgoals #lifecoaching #zaidismail #theegosystem #ownyourlife #marriage
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Don’t raise a tyrant
Understanding right from wrong is the easy part.
How to effectively respond to what is wrong without creating a new problem is the difficult part.
With the emphasis always being on knowing who is right and wrong, but hardly any focus on how to deal with such differences, we raise children who are intolerant or misguided in their fight for what is right.
Learning how life works is about more than just the rules. It’s about knowing how to be firm while still being empathetic, compassionate, and fair.
Every tyrant believes in their own mind that they are justified in what they’re doing.
Every tyrant has reason to compromise on what they believe is right because they are convinced that there is a greater good that is being served through such compromise.
Every tyrant doesn’t accept that they’re being a tyrant. They see themselves as defending a just cause.
If you don’t raise your children with understanding why there is benefit in upholding what is right, and why there is benefit in being gentle but firm about opposing what is wrong, you will raise a tyrant who will turn against you when you challenge them about something that they feel justified about.
That’s how we create Zionists in our own homes, and unleash tyrants into the homes of other people’s children when our children get married.
Understanding why is always more important than simply know what to do.
Without understanding why, we lose critical thinking, empathy, compassion, and worst of all, we lose our humanness.
Go beyond instructing your children about the rules to live by, and demonstrate through meaningful action and participation how it is that they must live by those rules.
Not only will the participation improve their self-worth, but the active demonstration will lead to more credibility behind what they must stand up for.
#parenting #raisingchildren #singleparenting #divorce #lifecoaching #zaidismail #theegosystem #ownyourlife #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness
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Your brain doesn’t have a mind of its own
This is a popular myth. People have been repeating selective truths to themselves for years without seeing a change in their circumstances. Our brains are rewired through experiences, and connecting our reality to the value of an outcome. It’s called neuroplasticity.
For this reason, courage is needed to attempt something that we have not experienced before.
Simply stated, we rewire our brains each time we learn something new, or do something new. It adds to our pot of knowledge that guides us through life.
That’s why people that have tons of book knowledge still struggle to grasp reality.
Life is about more than whispering affirmations to yourself in the mirror. It’s about action.
By all means, have the conversation with yourself in the mirror. But, if it’s not followed with action, don’t expect your life to change.
#ownyourlife #mentalhealth #theegosystem #mentalhealthawareness #livewithpurpose #mindfulness #takeaction #hope #optimisticquotes #lifecoaching #zaidismail
