Tag: understanding

  • The understanding seeker

    The understanding seeker

    Seek to understand, so that you may be able to accept the events of your life with peace, rather than feeling compelled to let go with bitterness.

    It’s the inclination to want to be heard that denies us peace when we’re not heard.

    Or to want to be acknowledged when we are dismissed.

    Rather than fight to be heard, or to be acknowledged, choose your battles.

    Be sure that what you’re fighting for is what you want to have in your life, and not just because you refuse to go quietly.

    When you find it impossible to get through, to make your point, or to establish reason, it’s a sign that you need to pause and understand better what it is that you’re dealing with.

    When you pause to understand, you’ll allow yourself a chance to decide if the fight is worth it, and if it is, you’ll create space for yourself to recognise a better way to achieve your objective.

    Like the prophetic advice teaches us, don’t get angry. The moment you find your anger rising, it’s a sign that you need to step back, and seek to understand better, before continuing to respond.

    Peace.

  • Trappings of Entitlement

    Trappings of Entitlement

    Ingratitude seeps in when you look for evidence of deliberate kindness despite there being no evidence of cruelty from others. We’re so conditioned to find goodness against the backdrop of evil, or generosity in the midst of selfishness, that we’ve grown to believe that only the evidence of deliberate kindness is an indication of care or concern from others.

    Most often, it’s the restraint of anger or the withholding of harshness that is more evident of the kindness that lurks beneath, because it means that someone in an anguished state still recognises your worth enough not to dump their harshness onto you.

    When we feel entitled to overt expressions of kindness, we automatically take for granted all the servitude that we receive without complaint or expectation of reciprocation. Being mindful of the small things always reveals the bigger things that we should value. Be mindful of your blessings.

    [This is deeper than I realised]

  • The absence of gratitude

    The absence of gratitude

    It’s easier to assume that someone is ungrateful rather than to invest time in discovering what it is that distracts them. If we work with the assumption (if not the truth) that one is in search of the same joy and peace that we are, seeking to understand each other will be easier than wanting to judge each other.

    The absence of gratitude is not always ingratitude. Often it’s a distraction. Like looking at the dark clouds instead of appreciating the rain. The distractions are what take us off our desired path in life when we place significance on things that are out of our control, or not as consequential as we believe it is. That’s when we find ourselves persisting in righting seeming wrongs, or defending imaginary attacks. The most effective strategy, I’ve found, to combat this is to seek understanding rather than assuming judgement. The more we understand, the less we judge. This does not mean that we condone or justify, it simply means that we seek to understand so that we may be able to accept with peace, rather than surrender with bitterness or regret.

  • Delusions of Godliness

    Delusions of Godliness

    The delusion of godliness diminishes our capacity to connect with the divine. When we assume ourselves to be above those that behave worse than us, or we assume that we hold within us the capacity and means to punish others, or withhold their reward, be it in this world, or the hereafter, we assume to hold divinity within us. This is even more detrimental when we impose punishment or apportion reward to ourselves. Understanding is grounded in compassion, and there is nothing closer to divinity than compassion and mercy. Consider this the next time you view yourself or others with harshness.

  • Those Damned Assumptions

    I have a reputation of making people feel awkward, or as some would describe it, infuriated (stop nodding so feverishly, you may lose your balance!). I take a particular pride in knowing that I am viewed this way, because it merely cements my views about the nature of the average Joe that I meet on a daily basis. This came to the fore a few weeks ago in a discussion that I had with a colleague which subsequently spilled online as well.

    I often feel compelled to challenge incorrect assumptions, or to persist in a point that I believe is important until I am certain that I have reached a point of mutual understanding, or at the least, am able to walk away knowing that I tried. So I choose my battles, but I also choose more battles than most (I can see you nodding again!). On this one occasion, I spent a fair amount of time trying to get someone to understand why the point that they were making was actually contrary to what they were trying to achieve. And so I kept asking probing questions and prompting them to consider an alternate perspective so that they may realise what it is that they were doing.

    Some in the room came to me afterwards and suggested that I really shouldn’t bother. Some assumed that I was being argumentative or just simply difficult (stop it already!). Meanwhile, the truth was far from both of those assumptions. While I speak for myself right now, I suspect that many others may be able to relate to what I am about to share.

    When I engage with anyone on any subject, my default assumption is that they are capable of processing the concepts and themes that I feel passionately about. As the discussion progresses, if I see that they’re not grasping my point, I assume that I’m either not explaining myself well enough, or they’re distracted by a bias that is not directly relevant to what I am trying to share with them. My knee-jerk reaction to this is to try to clarify my point so that they may be able to share in the value of what I think is important. In short, I assume we’re at the same level of understanding, but are experiencing a communication gap.

    Unfortunately, the most common assumption in such a situation, especially by those with a low self-esteem, is that my efforts to attain clarity is in fact an attempt to either make them look stupid, or expose how stupid they really are. At no point do they consider that perhaps I simply assumed that their level of understanding was the same as mine, rather than me assuming that they’re beneath me. Their perceptions of themselves informed their observations of me, and while they thought they were judging me, they were in fact judging themselves.

    Of course, if  I were to point this out to them (as I do on occasion, often just for fun!) they would feel justified in their views about my supposed arrogance, or condescension. The turning point in my life regarding my self-worth was when I realised this troublesome truth about people. From that point on, I found it easier to rise above the unqualified criticisms leveled against me, and instead, continued to focus on the passion that I had about the value that I wanted to realise for me and for others. Often, this resulted in the offended party recognising the point I originally tried to make, but only after they had enough time to get over their own insecurities about the interaction. For this reason, I almost always do my best to allow for a graceful exit from such contentious discussions.

    The times that I don’t allow for a graceful exit are the times when the offending moron is pretty much a confirmed bully who just won’t back down. That’s when my favourite philosophy kicks in. Treat an arrogant person with arrogance so that they may taste humility.

    Back to the topic at hand. Assumptions are made all the time. Some are informed, most are not. Another poor assumption on my part when I originally started contemplating writing books on leadership and mentoring others at the office to take leadership roles in their areas of influence was that in doing so, I may work myself into a position of irrelevance. In other words, like the fickle-minded, I thought that I was working myself out of a job. You know, that scarcity mentality thing where we assume that the success of others will rob us of opportunities for our own success? Well, fortunately I snapped out of that mindset soon thereafter when I realised that leadership is so rare because conviction is lacking in most people.

    In general, people want to be associated with greatness, not because they want to be great, but because they want to be with the crowd that is also associated with such greatness. One of the important lessons I learnt in the process is that despite giving someone the golden handbook of how to achieve greatness, and giving then the opportunity and environment in which to achieve it, their deeply ingrained insecurities will prevent them from embracing the opportunity. Everyone wants to be liked, or popular, or part of a group. Except for a few that see the futility in that, and decide to forge their own path in life. They don’t necessarily set out to be leaders. In fact, I would go as far as saying that leadership finds them, while everyone else tries to mimic the assumed journey of the new leader in the hope that they will achieve the same.

    People that set out to become leaders usually lack authenticity. Authenticity is by far the most important leadership trait ever. In the absence of it, you simply have authority and resources at your disposal, but will fail to genuinely influence or inspire others, except for those that aspire to similar levels of materialism. Perhaps this is why we have the leadership void that we have in this world. Perhaps this is why the worst of us has truly become the leaders of us, because we celebrate the wrong attributes, and dismiss the detractors that challenge the status quo.

    We make assumptions negatively about others when we assume that their flaws are the same as our own, while not being willing to acknowledge or own our own flaws. Criticism that has little to no constructive basis behind it simply feeds the ego. It does not encourage growth, nor does it forge new avenues of understanding. When someone takes the time to extend their engagement with you about a topic that they are passionate about, recognise their passion before assuming that they’re simply being arrogant. The biggest mistake most people make is that they fail to recognise the difference between passion and emotion, and are too ready to dismiss a passionate soul as an emotional being. That is the burden on society of a weak mind. It degrades sincerity in favour of popularity. And that is how society ends up being something that everyone wants to criticise, but no one wants to acknowledge being an integral part of it.

  • Sheltered

    The analytical mind is quite curious. It sets aside emotion and observes objectively that which presents itself before us. The keener the observation, the less emotional it is. The more emotional, the less accurate the assessment. Yet both these dispositions, emotional and analytical, are needed for a wholesome life.

    From personal experience, and my observations of those that I’ve engaged with over the years, it seems that the most analytical are the ones that had the least wholesome upbringing. They were typically the ones that were misunderstood, emotionally isolated, or worse. They generally have unpleasant stories to tell, usually with a snigger and a laugh, as they recount their days of strife at the hands of family members or neighbourhood bullies with a strong cynical undertone. They’re the scarred beauties that have become detached, because attachment is either unfamiliar or holds no appeal.

    In contemplating this scenario, I was initially inclined to believe that the opposing tale must be one of emotional cocooning. To be smothered with love and understanding, while nurturing a healthy, if not over indulgent self-esteem, they’re raised by parents who always made time for their quirks and pains, while leading a moderately successful life of measured luxury and homely warmth. Sounds almost idyllic, if not fairy tale-like. But it does happen, so I know it’s a reality, even though it may not be a reality that I, or others like me, can relate to.

    As my mind wandered through this meandering path the one word that kept whispering in the back of my cynical mind was ‘sheltered’. The more I considered their good fortune, the more I found myself ambivalently envious of their blessings, while equally spurning their sense of entitled protection. It’s a reality that they depend on because it is the frame of reference within which they were raised. My frame of reference is very different though, and if it weren’t for the sobering moments of my life, I would have been hell bent on believing that they were the enemy. The ones that had it easy while judging the rest of us, while we made it through life the hard way, only to be placed second best to their privileged upbringing.

    But the reality is very different from such a jaundiced view of the differences we share. The shelter they find in the emotional wholesomeness with which they were raised contributes to the compassion that we desperately need in this world. The rest of us, the analytical ones, use that emotional deficit to clearly articulate the problem statements that are so elusive when looking at the world through rose-coloured spectacles. However, if my personal experiences are anything to go by, compassion fatigue sets in easily with those that see the painful cycles repeating themselves, and having the analytical wit to most often accurately pre-empt a distasteful outcome. At times like those, it’s the emotionally grounded beings that see reason to drag us out of despair and continue to fight the good fight.

    But the truth is closer to the reality that both are equally sheltered. Both enjoy the familiarity of their frame of reference that shelters them from the reality of the other. To the emotionally obese, living a cold and detached existence is impossible to contemplate, while the analytical sees the pointless emotional indulgences and sneers at the waste of productive time spent molly-coddling (I hate that phrase!) those that appear too fragile to function without a hug. It’s a despicable envy on both parts that adds beautifully intricate, yet entertaining hues to the panorama of life.

    Unfortunately, there are too many that fail to see what shelters them, and in so doing, find sufficient reason to despise the rest that appear to be unfairly privileged relative to their sombre upbringing. At some point, the choice to accept or deny our own privilege becomes ours, and ours alone. Life is cliched like that. But we’re often so intent on proving that we’re not as common as everyone else, that we exclude ourselves from the very same collective that we belong to, while yearning for acceptance.

  • A Run-On Rant

    I have this intense urge to want to write something meaningful but I’m completely distracted by the saddening news that the people around me don’t know what I do for a living no matter how many times and how many ways I’ve tried my level best to explain in as simple terms as possible what it is that I do and after being accused yet again of using flowery language at the office by idiots that are supposed to have received a superior education compared to my own I find it impossible to maintain my composure knowing that my efforts to be understood or known have thus far been an utter failure of epic proportions leaving me feeling like a deflated drama king anxiously scanning his surroundings for affirmation that all is not lost, yet.

  • Me

    I’m at odds with life. I’m the most responsible person you’ll probably ever meet, but also the most child-like at heart, but I’m not a child. I’ve resisted every effort by others to force me into a box so that I would be easier for them to deal with, but I’m not a rebel. Especially not one without a cause. But I am rebellious. 

    I resist meeting the expectations of others for the sake of conformance or maintaining some balance in the predictability of society. But I also play my role to ensure a social balance. I don’t see rules and limits, only principles and reason. And despite the amount of life in my years, I’m still grappling with how little I know of myself.

    And then I look without, after focusing within for too long, and I notice how most others are oblivious to these truths about themselves. So I wonder if it’s reasonable to expect them to notice these truths about me? I want to be known, intimately, but most never look close enough to notice enough to know enough to appreciate me the way I would them. But that is the trigger for the vicious cycle that spares me any meaningful connection with others, because in realising this, I withdraw, withhold, and wither.

    It’s not that I haven’t tried. No. In fact, I have tried often enough to have rightfully earned the label of being naively daft! But my child-like naivety prompts my obstinacy to resist any efforts to make me behave boringly. Predictably. So in my resistance, I’ve nurtured my passion that waits patiently to love ferociously a worthy subject, but instead I’ve only secured my isolation. 

    P.S. Just noticed that this was my 500th post. 🙂