I’m at odds with life. I’m the most responsible person you’ll probably ever meet, but also the most child-like at heart, but I’m not a child. I’ve resisted every effort by others to force me into a box so that I would be easier for them to deal with, but I’m not a rebel. Especially not one without a cause. But I am rebellious. 

I resist meeting the expectations of others for the sake of conformance or maintaining some balance in the predictability of society. But I also play my role to ensure a social balance. I don’t see rules and limits, only principles and reason. And despite the amount of life in my years, I’m still grappling with how little I know of myself.

And then I look without, after focusing within for too long, and I notice how most others are oblivious to these truths about themselves. So I wonder if it’s reasonable to expect them to notice these truths about me? I want to be known, intimately, but most never look close enough to notice enough to know enough to appreciate me the way I would them. But that is the trigger for the vicious cycle that spares me any meaningful connection with others, because in realising this, I withdraw, withhold, and wither.

It’s not that I haven’t tried. No. In fact, I have tried often enough to have rightfully earned the label of being naively daft! But my child-like naivety prompts my obstinacy to resist any efforts to make me behave boringly. Predictably. So in my resistance, I’ve nurtured my passion that waits patiently to love ferociously a worthy subject, but instead I’ve only secured my isolation. 

P.S. Just noticed that this was my 500th post. 🙂

Zaid Ismail

Author, life coach, and mental health activist. We need to change the narrative from disorders, illnesses, and survival to accountability, understanding, and thriving.

Share your thoughts on this...

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.