Tag: hope

  • Struggles and Triumphs: A Personal Journey to Finding Joy and Fulfillment

    Struggles and Triumphs: A Personal Journey to Finding Joy and Fulfillment

    Life. With each passing moment, I question more than before about ever experiencing true joy. A fulfilling joy. One that is shared, not just fleeting. Joy that isn’t prompted nor courted, but spontaneously spawned in moments that I choose. Not the joy that I choose. The moments that I choose because those moments matter. Such moments must be filled with joy if its gravity is to be liberating rather than oppressive.

    I often find myself convinced that such joy will remain elusive for the entirety of my lifetime. My efforts towards securing it have resulted in a brutal education that I now wish to share with others so that they may be educated in kinder tones than I was.

    Purging the contents of my mental clutter is not as therapeutic as it once was. There is much comfort to be drawn from anonymity. However, there is much suppression of the spirit when living a life of anonymity. At some point, I was foolhardy enough to surrender my anonymity in favour of authenticity. I still mull over the wisdom of that choice.

    After abandoning anonymity probably some ten years ago or so, I had to assume a more responsible posture in my writing. As romantic as it may be to speak from the heart in unbridled musings, there is a line that I never wished to cross. That line is the point at which my musings may expose the flaws or undermine the dignity of others regardless of their treatment of me. If I hope to have my dignity honoured, I must do my best to honour the dignity of those whose paths cross with my own.

    Holding myself true to this principle has tested my resolve near to breaking point. But if I give in, I would lose myself to the same stench of life that I lament in the spaces that skirt my own. The seething entitlement that is born from ingratitude causes my temper to wretch and writhe threatening to release spittle with every word that escapes my spasmed lips. But I cannot lose myself to such vulgarity, there is enough of it within that took safe harbour during moments when I was too young to realise what accommodations I offered for the misery of others.

    Swimming against the stream is tiring, and the only solace it offers is that I am able to swim. Reflecting on my state when I launched my reinvention in 2018, I realise that it was the absolute drudgery of my life in corporate and an unfulfilling relationship that catapulted my exit from that life, embracing with fervour the promise of creating a new one. I’m trying desperately to reconnect with such conviction now without having to slip to the bottom of that slope first before finding it.

    Cryptic thoughts, eyestrain, and caffeine is all I find. Ephemeral joys and encouraging progress is what keeps me from surrendering, although I can’t say with certainty that I would surrender in its absence either. I can barely say anything with certainty these days except for what lacks in joy and fulfilment. The writer’s block that has plagued me for so long is not because I can’t find enough to write about. It is because I can’t find reason to believe that it will be received with tenderness, or appreciation.

    Swimming upstream is inspiring for those who observe the feat, but is soul destroying for those who go the distance alone. If there is one lesson I learnt well but still ignore for the most part, it is the lesson of knowing with certainty that being a voice for the oppressed is the loneliest place in the world because once the message has been received, the oppressed resume the worship of their masters while the lone voice that provoked the change that heralded their relief becomes socially awkward for those who hover in its orbit.

    I don’t think there is such a thing as insanity. I think there is only poor communication and incorrect assumption. Between the two, the crazy halos of hell are visited upon our lives in ways that leave us gasping for air and scratching the walls of horror for relief. Assumption, is therefore the bastard child of hope that aspires to be accepted by the distracted. That’s how a life of torment is created.

    I don’t try very hard to be understood anymore. I don’t try very hard at all.

  • Respect is not earned

    Respect is not earned

    The old saying of ‘respect is earned’ robs you of self respect and replaces it with entitlement.

    How we treat others is a reflection of who we are, not who they are.

    Our ability to self regulate our offering of respect to those who may treat us badly is a reflection of how much we need them to treat us well before we feel good about who we are.

    In other words, the less grounded we are in who we are, the more likely it is that others will impact our moods, our temper, and our overall emotional wellbeing.

    Trust, on the other hand, is earned through consistency of effort about what’s important.

    Trust cannot be negotiated or contracted.

    If we have reason to doubt someone showing up for us, we won’t trust that they will.

    That reason is sometimes because of them being unreliable, but is also often because of how someone else in the past may have disappointed us or betrayed our trust when we needed a similar thing from them. Like comfort, support, or just being there for us.

    If we go through life trusting recklessly while withholding respect to those who, in our eyes, don’t deserve it, we will find ourselves reeling from betrayal long after it has passed while disrespecting those who don’t understand our pain.

    Problem is, even we won’t understand our pain, so we’ll never be able to communicate it in ways that will allow those close to us to understand why we’re raging.

    It all starts with self respect and self worth.

    Without that, you will need others to treat you well before you treat yourself well.

    Own your life.

  • An overdue brain dump

    An overdue brain dump

    Haste is from Satan, and clemency is from Allah. These words have plagued my thoughts in recent months. The feeling of compulsion to take action because of the frustration of revisited and avoidable contentions becomes difficult to subdue when the desperation for peace and ease scratches inside my chest, threatening to suffocate the enthusiasm out of me.

    Words like cacophony and incessant ring in my ears as if desperately colluding to express the noise that rattles around my being. It’s a bundle of colourful and flowery expressions that offer no relief, but only more clutter. With every expression is a need for reception. If not received meaningfully, it negates any need for expressing it at all.

    Life continues to teach in ways that destroy any traditional norms of imparting wisdom. Those who seek but understand not what is required to acquire, are often dealt the most brutal blows that test their convictions in ways that threaten to unseat their character. This has been me for the longest time.

    The relief from corporate drudgery lasted for some few years before the weightiness returned when the themes showed up in my personal spaces once more. However, my capacity to navigate it was much improved and my opportunity for finding solace in my own quiet spaces is irreplaceable. The decision to leave corporate continues to resonate as a resounding moment of inspired wisdom. The path has not been easy, nor comfortable in any way, but the fruits of such labour have been enormously rewarding beyond even the scope of the entirety of my achievements in corporate.

    It’s hard to imagine how the peak of my 25+ year career doesn’t compare to the most mediocre of achievements in my new journey, when by comparison in material terms, there is none. In material terms, corporate wins every day of the week. But in terms of life, it fails dismally at every turn.

    The imposter in me has triumphed more often than it should, which has left me debilitated and doubting on matters that I have no basis of comparison against which to determine its feasibility or its futility. Perhaps that is what troubles me most about this new path. It is unfamiliar and lacks in substantial support from those around me. I am therefore my own sounding board, my own echo chamber, and my own critic. I’m usually brutal in all regards.

    Nonetheless, receding demands that I fight my nature. That is a fight that I have always lost, so I know better than to even try. Inevitably, I lose the fight and then blaze a path of inspired destruction of everything that I believe needs to be destroyed for me to rise above the drudgery of duty and servitude.

    Duty and servitude is only such when it is out of obligation rather than purpose. Purpose is lost when we focus on fulfilling responsibilities and obligations while claiming our rights. A right claimed is never enjoyed. The contamination of the motivation behind the one who fulfils it through obligation denies me the sweetness of its fulfilment. That, in a nutshell, in a cocoon of complexity, in a little ravage of reality, is the struggle of life itself.

    To be purposeful through mindful subscription is the greatest challenge that we face as humans. We are too easily distracted by what we need, and therefore lost faith and trust in the natural consequence of living purposefully, and with grace. But grace is lost when dignity is traded for social admiration. Thus, we trade our souls for the promise of peace, only to discover that we lost both in the transaction with our demons.

    I sometimes scroll back to old ramblings from more than a decade ago to determine if I have grown or changed, or perhaps lost my way since. Surprisingly, I keep discovering sentiments and observations contained in my writings that serve as a reminder of where I’m at, not knowing whether that is a reflection of the absence of growth, or the confirmation of the distillation of wisdom in those moments that offer a timeless insight into my state of being.

    The day when the merits of my contemplations will be determined is still a distant way off, at least from my current vantage point. But, if I have learnt anything these past five decades and a bit, it is that vantage points change more regularly than the seasons, and with it what seemed unattainable before is soon taken for granted, and what seemed obvious before suddenly appears deeply cryptic. It is therefore foolhardy and somewhat arrogant to assume that any single moment in time is a moment of absolute realisation, absolute connection, or absolute truth.

    As long as I breathe, I evolve. Not as a body, but as a being. And theories of evolution hold absolutely no answers in such evolution.

  • Why envy is not good for you

    Why envy is not good for you

    The Japanese have a proverb that says that a bitter heart eats its owner.

    Envy or bitterness begins with how you see yourself before you find reason for it in what others have or do.

    When we’re cautioned about the negative effects of these traits, we often focus on the punishment and the harm to others.

    Remember, we cannot give what we don’t have. Therefore, the envious or bitter one is consumed with such thoughts about their inadequacies, but from a position of blaming others for it.

    Whether they have a legitimate gripe or not doesn’t change that reality, nor does it reduce the impact that it has on them and their health.

    Trying to pacify them or trying to excuse them because of their difficult experiences (even in childhood) does nothing to uplift them.

    Nor does it help us if we’re the ones struggling with such feelings of envy or bitterness towards others.

    First, we must be willing to be unpopular before we are able to assist, because not validating someone’s emotional disposition often results in a negative response from that person.

    Nonetheless, being told what we need to hear and not what we want to hear is the beginning of planting the seeds that will eventually grow into self-awareness and understanding.

    You cannot uplift if you protect yourself or others from the truth just to spare them their feelings.

    Similarly, we make it impossible for others to assist or advise us sincerely if we lash out each time we’re not supported in our views about life or about others.

    To grow, you must be willing to be corrected.

    Ideally, such correction should be gentle and reassuring, with empathy and compassion.

    But that doesn’t mean that we should reject it if the tone is not what we want.

    We must be more invested in wanting to learn than in how we want to be taught, otherwise we will go through life blaming others for not treating us the way that we want to be treated.

    It always starts with you.

    #mentalhealth#selfworth#lifecoaching#zaidismail#ownyourlife#mentalhealthawareness#narcissist

  • Your brain doesn’t have a mind of its own

    Your brain doesn’t have a mind of its own

    This is a popular myth. People have been repeating selective truths to themselves for years without seeing a change in their circumstances. Our brains are rewired through experiences, and connecting our reality to the value of an outcome. It’s called neuroplasticity.

    For this reason, courage is needed to attempt something that we have not experienced before.

    Simply stated, we rewire our brains each time we learn something new, or do something new. It adds to our pot of knowledge that guides us through life.

    That’s why people that have tons of book knowledge still struggle to grasp reality.

    Life is about more than whispering affirmations to yourself in the mirror. It’s about action.

    By all means, have the conversation with yourself in the mirror. But, if it’s not followed with action, don’t expect your life to change.

  • Check your entitlement

    Check your entitlement

    Expectations breed entitlement.

    Like the entitlement of privileges that weren’t earned, or a free pass to abdicate responsibility because we’ve got it tough. Or entitlement to a homeland that belongs to someone else.

    Conviction and sincerity are lost when we do things hoping for a good return.

    We should do good because of who we are and what we choose to stand for. Not because we expect a return.

    A return on investment is for business transactions, not for moral positions.

    If you choose to fight for a cause, do it because it resonates with your values.

    You honour your value system when you live by it, especially when it’s inconvenient or unpopular to do so.

    When your values are used as a trading commodity with others, they’re not values, they’re tools for manipulation.

    Accountability is a trigger for too many.

    If you feel triggered when someone calls you to account, you have work to do on yourself.

    Our triggers, frustrations, annoyances, anger, and emotional volatility is ours to own.

    We cannot make others responsible for tiptoeing around it just because they ‘don’t know what we’ve been through’.

    Their empathy or compassion towards us is a reflection of who they are, in the same way that ours is a reflection of who we are.

    Outsourcing that or claiming that someone deserves not to receive it from us is an indulgence of our entitlement mentality, and not a defendable moral position.

    Own your life. It always starts with you.

  • Hopefully…

    Hopefully…

    Hope is not hope when it is rooted in futility. That is simply wishful thinking.

    Hope is born from the belief that things can change.

    It is not predicated by statements of ‘if only’ or ‘I wish’, but rather inspired by focusing on the probabilities and the opportunities that we have.

    Hope is born when we focus on what we can do to uplift ourselves or change our state, rather than focusing on what we need from others before things can improve.

    Hope is the most powerful statement of gratitude without having to claim being grateful.

    It is not an attitude, nor is it blind faith.

    It is awareness of who we are and what we’re capable of, so that what we discover to be our limits creates a yearning in us to acquire the skills, knowledge, understanding, and resources to push beyond those limits.

    Hope is always present.

    But when we surrender, we invest that hope in someone else saving us, because we gave up hope in our ability to rise above what we are facing.

    Fear is the enemy of hope, and conviction is hope’s armour.

    If you desire relief from an oppressor more than you desire to destroy the oppressor, you invest your hope in the benevolence, or the mercy of the one who oppresses you.

    That is surrender, no matter how rebellious you may appear in your response.

    If your optimism is not followed by meaningful and decisive action, you’re lying to yourself about being optimistic.

    Where and in whom is your hope invested?

    If you say that it’s invested in the Almighty, then be true to exercising the abilities and competence that He has endowed you with, instead of praying for Him to exercise it for you.

  • Own your life

    Own your life

    There are many unflattering adjectives that have been used to describe me over the years.

    Before life got real, it used to trouble me to think that others had a negative opinion of me despite my best efforts to be a decent human.

    It was a distraction that sometimes still gets the better of me. Fortunately, only in short bursts these days.

    I don’t assume that I’m never any of what they accuse me of.

    I know I’m entirely capable of being a difficult person, or even an abrasive and opinionated fool.

    But, I only reconsider my actions if I receive such feedback from someone who is willing to engage beyond the insult or the negative assumption.

    Everyone is opinionated. Many just don’t have the courage to speak plainly from fear of rejection or being unpopular.

    Those are the ones that I ignore.

    Not because I think I’m better than them, but because they have nothing of value that I can work with in my efforts to be better than who I was the moment before they shared their opinion about me.

    Without such a mindful consideration of what people think of me, I literally would have been six feet under in an unmarked grave from having taken my own life because of the bitterness that others project onto me when they’re not willing to face their own demons.

    My sanity and my life is mine to own.

    If I give up that accountability, I will be no more than an attention whore praying for acceptance by the spineless.

    Life is too short for such frivolity.

    Own your life. If you’re not owning it, someone else is.