Tag: abusiverelationships

  • Getting it wrong

    Life has never been simple, and only threatens to become more complicated with each day that passes.

    Sometimes I flirt with the idea that perhaps I was destined to struggle with so much so that I can learn the lessons that need to be learnt to share them with others.

    But my gut says that is not true.

    “Whatever ill you experience is sent forth by your own hands.”

    A verse from the Qur’an that is always a stark reminder that life is always more difficult when you are unaware of the full breadth of the consequences of your choices and decisions.

    The less wisdom you have about life when you set out to create one from very little at your disposal, the more mistakes you must make to acquire the wisdom that others simply inherited from a wholesome upbringing.

    Comparing notes is forever an indulgence in self-pity. That’s why I never compare notes.

    Whenever I find myself on the wrong end of the life that I thought i was creating, I take a moment to pause.

    To reflect.

    To catch my breath.

    To understand.

    Then I shrug off the self-pity and forge ahead once more.

    If the best efforts of my life will result in nothing more than misery, then I want to be damn certain that it’s a misery that I choose and not one imposed by others.

    And in the process, I’ll laugh heartily and mock cynically at my repeated attempts to figure things out by myself.

    Because when you don’t have a gentle hand guiding you through life, you need to brace yourself for colourful experiences.

    The moment you stop to lament the absence of that gentle hand, you’ll lose yourself to its absence, and become one with the harshness of the world that has no place for innocent mistakes.

    You don’t need others to be kind to you before you learn how to be kind to yourself.

    Nor do you need others to be supportive before you believe, with conviction, in what is important to you.

    Any excuse about not pursuing the life that you want because of the absence of support from others is nothing but an excuse that denies you the value of who you are.

    The trials that we face are the unintended consequences of the decisions that others have made, while the ill that we experience is the unintended consequences of our own poorly informed decisions.

    Strive towards not being a trial for others by being more mindful and diligent about the decisions that you make for yourself.

    And when you get it wrong, allow yourself to be human, own your mistakes, and try again.

    Life was never designed to be mastered on the first attempt.

    Where would be the fun in that?

  • Who goes first?

    Who goes first?

    If you find yourself among people who constantly demand that you give without receiving, or love without expressing affection in return, guard your soul.

    As much as we wish to fill the cups of others with goodness in this world, we must not deplete our own in the process.

    By indulging such selfishness from others, you enable and encourage them to continue denying themselves the same peace that is elusive to you.

    When we focus on how the bad behaviour of others is harming themselves, rather than only focusing on how it harms us, we take a huge step closer to breaking the cycle of harm instead of just challenging the behaviour.

    The same way in which we’d love for someone to correct us when we don’t realise that we’re wrong because we don’t want to deliberately harm others, we must consider that someone behaving badly may not realise the impact of their actions.

    But, unless we’re connected with true gratitude about who we are, we’ll feel attacked long before we try to understand the struggle of others.

    Focus on building yourself up, so that you may be able to build up those around you.

    If everyone is going to wait for everyone else to make the first gesture, we’ll all sit back believing we’re victims of each other, while not realising that we’re victims of our own self-worth.

  • A diet of fear

    A diet of fear

    This is probably one of the most important things you could ever connect with.

    So much damage is caused by fear driven decisions. It destroys your spirit leaving you to find comfort in the very source of the fear that is destroying you.

    If you’ve been raised on a diet of fear and compliance, it is inevitable that your choices will reflect your fears, and not your dreams

    Fear destroys hope and replaces it with futility.

    In the face of futility, we resort to compliance, because compliance provides us with familiarity.

    Familiarity tethers us to rituals, traditions, and behaviours that feed the cycle that sustains the power of fear.

    That is, the cycle of compliance at all costs.

    When compliance becomes the objective, blind following becomes the method, and critical thinking is set aside in favour of inclusion.

    The need for inclusion destroys dreams, breaks hearts, and damages souls, leaving in its wake a field of martyrs who surrender their joy in the face of futility, not realising that it is fear that breeds futility, and not overwhelming odds.

    Be courageous, brave soul. Self-imposed martyrdom is not the only path to peace. In fact, it defeats that very goal.

  • Don’t let fear win

    Don’t let fear win

    If you’ve been raised on a diet of fear and compliance, it is inevitable that your choices will reflect your fears, and not your dreams

    Fear destroys hope and replaces it with futility.

    In the face of futility, we resort to compliance, because compliance provides us with familiarity.

    Familiarity tethers us to rituals, traditions, and behaviours that feed the cycle that sustains the power of fear.

    That is, the cycle of compliance at all costs.

    When compliance becomes the objective, blind following becomes the method, and critical thinking is set aside in favour of inclusion.

    The need for inclusion destroys dreams, breaks hearts, and damages souls, leaving in its wake a field of martyrs who surrender their joy in the face of futility, not realising that it is fear that breeds futility, and not overwhelming odds.

    Be courageous, brave soul. Self-imposed martyrdom is not the only path to peace. In fact, it defeats that very goal.