The struggle in countering the influence of a village of idiots will never be truly appreciated until we experience the impact of the dysfunction that it produces in our lives.
That impact usually only becomes evident when we’re facing upheaval that challenges any sensibility that we may rely on about life.
Parenting is largely a lost art with the opportunity to outsource a large chunk of it to social media making it easy to ‘cope’ in that way.
Losing ourselves to our own struggles that rage in our minds blinds us to the impact of our obliviousness to those around us.
The absence of drama is not peace, nor is it wholesome family time.
That is what social media and social distractions offer us. The absence of contention or conflict.
That’s how we lose sight of the values that we’re imparting without meaning to, because on the one hand, we’re validating social media as a legitimate source of learning how life works, while also confirming that such an approach to parenting or to sharing life’s moments and wisdom is all that we have available to offer.
We have greater impact through what we don’t do than what we do.
Unfortunately, we’re mostly too distracted by needing validation for what we do that we lose sight of our abdication of accountability for what we should do more of…or just what we should be doing in the first place. Period.
Our demons that distract us from what others need from us destroys more relationships than any real conflict that exists between two people.
Own your life before you end up destroying someone else’s.
#parenting #divorce #marriage #marriagegoals #lifecoaching #zaidismail #theegosystem #ownyourlife #relationshipgoals #singleparenting
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The absence of drama is not peace
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An overdue brain dump
Haste is from Satan, and clemency is from Allah. These words have plagued my thoughts in recent months. The feeling of compulsion to take action because of the frustration of revisited and avoidable contentions becomes difficult to subdue when the desperation for peace and ease scratches inside my chest, threatening to suffocate the enthusiasm out of me.
Words like cacophony and incessant ring in my ears as if desperately colluding to express the noise that rattles around my being. It’s a bundle of colourful and flowery expressions that offer no relief, but only more clutter. With every expression is a need for reception. If not received meaningfully, it negates any need for expressing it at all.
Life continues to teach in ways that destroy any traditional norms of imparting wisdom. Those who seek but understand not what is required to acquire, are often dealt the most brutal blows that test their convictions in ways that threaten to unseat their character. This has been me for the longest time.
The relief from corporate drudgery lasted for some few years before the weightiness returned when the themes showed up in my personal spaces once more. However, my capacity to navigate it was much improved and my opportunity for finding solace in my own quiet spaces is irreplaceable. The decision to leave corporate continues to resonate as a resounding moment of inspired wisdom. The path has not been easy, nor comfortable in any way, but the fruits of such labour have been enormously rewarding beyond even the scope of the entirety of my achievements in corporate.
It’s hard to imagine how the peak of my 25+ year career doesn’t compare to the most mediocre of achievements in my new journey, when by comparison in material terms, there is none. In material terms, corporate wins every day of the week. But in terms of life, it fails dismally at every turn.
The imposter in me has triumphed more often than it should, which has left me debilitated and doubting on matters that I have no basis of comparison against which to determine its feasibility or its futility. Perhaps that is what troubles me most about this new path. It is unfamiliar and lacks in substantial support from those around me. I am therefore my own sounding board, my own echo chamber, and my own critic. I’m usually brutal in all regards.
Nonetheless, receding demands that I fight my nature. That is a fight that I have always lost, so I know better than to even try. Inevitably, I lose the fight and then blaze a path of inspired destruction of everything that I believe needs to be destroyed for me to rise above the drudgery of duty and servitude.
Duty and servitude is only such when it is out of obligation rather than purpose. Purpose is lost when we focus on fulfilling responsibilities and obligations while claiming our rights. A right claimed is never enjoyed. The contamination of the motivation behind the one who fulfils it through obligation denies me the sweetness of its fulfilment. That, in a nutshell, in a cocoon of complexity, in a little ravage of reality, is the struggle of life itself.
To be purposeful through mindful subscription is the greatest challenge that we face as humans. We are too easily distracted by what we need, and therefore lost faith and trust in the natural consequence of living purposefully, and with grace. But grace is lost when dignity is traded for social admiration. Thus, we trade our souls for the promise of peace, only to discover that we lost both in the transaction with our demons.
I sometimes scroll back to old ramblings from more than a decade ago to determine if I have grown or changed, or perhaps lost my way since. Surprisingly, I keep discovering sentiments and observations contained in my writings that serve as a reminder of where I’m at, not knowing whether that is a reflection of the absence of growth, or the confirmation of the distillation of wisdom in those moments that offer a timeless insight into my state of being.
The day when the merits of my contemplations will be determined is still a distant way off, at least from my current vantage point. But, if I have learnt anything these past five decades and a bit, it is that vantage points change more regularly than the seasons, and with it what seemed unattainable before is soon taken for granted, and what seemed obvious before suddenly appears deeply cryptic. It is therefore foolhardy and somewhat arrogant to assume that any single moment in time is a moment of absolute realisation, absolute connection, or absolute truth.
As long as I breathe, I evolve. Not as a body, but as a being. And theories of evolution hold absolutely no answers in such evolution.
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No Thanks!
When you get bad service from a restaurant, you won’t go back there if they show no remorse or accountability for how they treated you. That’s boycotting.
Boycotting products or people who enable harm on others is no different.
It’s a choice that reflects who we claim to be and what we want to be associated with.
The lower our self-worth, the less attention we pay to what we stand for and the more we focus on what others think of us.
That’s when image and tokens of success become more important than values or principles.
It’s never a decision that affects only you.
It influences everyone who may look to you as a role model, or a leader, a parent, or an inspiration.
More than this, it shapes what you contribute towards the peace and dignity that the world offers us, versus being part of the degradation of the human condition.
Boycotting is about what you are comfortable being associated with as a moral, ethical, religious, spiritual, and humanitarian standpoint.
It’s not about politics or privilege.
It’s about self-worth.
You are part of a village, whether you accept it or not.
Your actions and your choices affect others in the same way that you may be bitter or unhappy about the choices of others that have negatively affected you.
If you are unaware of the impact that you have, there is a very high probability that you are harming others without realising it, or intending to do so.
Who are you?
What do you stand for?
Before you answer, look to an innocent being that may depend on you to show up for them, and then consider how your answer will affect them.
#accountability #free #nothanks #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #narcissist #narcissisticabuse #humanity #palestine #israel #gaza #lifecoaching #zaidismail #istandwithpalestine
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Don’t forget the human
Did you know that there is zero science to support the above beliefs about what we call mental health?
Instead, there is research that confirms that new neural pathways are formed in response to new information or new experiences. It’s called neuroplasticity.
Other research confirms that the physical gesture of a smile, regardless of your emotional disposition, releases feel-good hormones into your brain which uplifts your mood. Try it. Smile at yourself in the mirror without having any reason to smile.
When we try to rationalise life through the lens of science, we discover technically fascinating facts about the functioning of the human body, but we lose sight of the human in that body.
Feelings of anxiety, depression, rage and more, including observing others to behave in a narcissistic or bipolar manner is very real.
But it’s critical to understand that it is simply what we observe regarding their response to very real emotional experiences for them.
Depression is the absence of hope, anxiety is the fear of not being able to cope with potential outcomes that we are facing, and emotional duress about the stressors of life is what we call mental illness.
We describe what we experience in others or in ourselves as bipolar, or narcissistic behaviour, not because that is who we/they are, but because that’s how we experience that part of life.
It doesn’t mean that we’re not dealing with very real fears or duress that causes us to behave in that way.
However, when we label behaviour, we lose sight of the legitimate human experience behind that behaviour.
No one ever behaves badly when they feel appreciated, significant, or understood.
Bad behaviour or emotional duress simply means that as a human, we’re struggling to reconcile the experiences of life with our efforts to create a good life for ourselves, or others.
Medication, affirmations, supplements, and deliberate exercises to cope with such emotional duress will only ever provide interim relief.
If we don’t resolve the root cause of that duress, those interim measures become lifelong chronic crutches.
#mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #theegosystem #ownyourlife #narc -
The struggle for self-worth
Our relationship with our father, whether they’re present or absent, still with us or passed on, shapes how we feel about ourselves more than any other influencing factor in our lives.
It’s not about whether they were good or bad as humans or as parents, but rather what we took from our experiences with them, or what we took from their absence.
A father who is absent because he has to work long hours to provide for his family, could still have a positive impact if he is not harsh and impatient with his children when he does have a few moments to share with them.
Similarly, a father who is present but always fixated on rules, boundaries, rituals, and the like, will create an emotional barrier between him and his children that will convince them that who they are doesn’t matter, and that what they achieve is all that matters.
That directly conflicts with our core human need to be of significance.
What we take, or what we believe to have been their motivation to be that way towards us in our early years, is what shapes how we show up for others in our later years.
Most people who have had a difficult relationship with their father know exactly how they don’t want to do things, or how they don’t want to be as parents, but that doesn’t mean that they know how to achieve what they want in their relationship with their children.
That’s how, without meaning to, we often become exactly like the parent/so that we once judged harshly for failing us as a parent.
The most effective way to break this cycle is to understand the true reasons why your father may not have been what you needed him to be despite his best intentions or efforts.
It’s only in seeing the demons of others that we will realise that how they showed up for us was not because of who we are, but rather because of how our needs from them provoked the demons that they were grappling with.
That’s how we learn from the shortcomings of others, rather than falling into the same deficiencies because we think we’re better than them.
See the human behind the role and you’ll feed the soul of those who desperately need it.
#parenting #narcissist #narcissisticabuse #lifecoaching #zaidismail #toxicparents -
The magic of accountability
Many people struggle with authenticity and finding a healthy balance in relationships because they are unaware of the impact of how they show up for themselves and for others. That lack of self-awareness is in a very huge way impacted by how we hold ourselves accountable for who we are.
In this interview with Haafidha Rayhaanah, I unpack the little known dynamics of the far reaching consequences of accountability in our relationship with ourselves, and with those around us.
Remember, without accountability, you have absolutely nothing of substance in your relationship with anyone, including with life itself. Give yourself a fair chance to unlearn what has been holding you back for so long.
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Hypocrisy destroys you
Avoiding the truth to avoid responsibility is an exercise in hypocrisy.
Supporting oppression to avoid the loss of privilege is an exercise in hypocrisy.
Hypocrisy harms the hypocrite more than it ever harms others.
The ones who experience such hypocrisy can still act against it, and can champion a cause to resist it.
The hypocrite, however, loses their soul and every ounce of their humanity when they stubbornly persist in their hypocrisy.
Not only does this deny them fulfilment or peace, it also destroys everything of value that makes their lives worth living, or their struggles worth enduring.
Thus the bitter are the most hypocritical, and the most hypocritical at the most oppressive among us.
Rationalising their hypocrisy to convince them otherwise is a futile exercise.
Instead, we must reject their assertions that are blatantly erroneous or contemptable, so that we don’t exhaust ourselves in their deliberate attempts at distraction from the truth, while the cause of justice suffers from our lack of focus.
It only gets complicated when we are unwilling to take a stand for what is uncomfortable or for what threatens the comfort of our existence.
Tyranny prevails when the masses value their so-called quality of life over their dignity and their humanity.
#justice #oppression #watermelon #palestine #genocide #gaza #icj #mentalhealth #integrity #selfworth #authenticity #zaidismail
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Why envy is not good for you
The Japanese have a proverb that says that a bitter heart eats its owner.
Envy or bitterness begins with how you see yourself before you find reason for it in what others have or do.
When we’re cautioned about the negative effects of these traits, we often focus on the punishment and the harm to others.
Remember, we cannot give what we don’t have. Therefore, the envious or bitter one is consumed with such thoughts about their inadequacies, but from a position of blaming others for it.
Whether they have a legitimate gripe or not doesn’t change that reality, nor does it reduce the impact that it has on them and their health.
Trying to pacify them or trying to excuse them because of their difficult experiences (even in childhood) does nothing to uplift them.
Nor does it help us if we’re the ones struggling with such feelings of envy or bitterness towards others.
First, we must be willing to be unpopular before we are able to assist, because not validating someone’s emotional disposition often results in a negative response from that person.
Nonetheless, being told what we need to hear and not what we want to hear is the beginning of planting the seeds that will eventually grow into self-awareness and understanding.
You cannot uplift if you protect yourself or others from the truth just to spare them their feelings.
Similarly, we make it impossible for others to assist or advise us sincerely if we lash out each time we’re not supported in our views about life or about others.
To grow, you must be willing to be corrected.
Ideally, such correction should be gentle and reassuring, with empathy and compassion.
But that doesn’t mean that we should reject it if the tone is not what we want.
We must be more invested in wanting to learn than in how we want to be taught, otherwise we will go through life blaming others for not treating us the way that we want to be treated.
It always starts with you.
#mentalhealth#selfworth#lifecoaching#zaidismail#ownyourlife#mentalhealthawareness#narcissist
