Category: Love

  • Psssst, guess what?

    Psssst, guess what?

    The universe is not waiting to serve you. It’s time to own your shit.

    “Expecting life to treat you well because you’re a good person is like expecting a bull not to charge at you because you’re a vegetarian.” (Unknown)

    This is my favourite quote whenever I come across someone that feels defeated because they were expecting the good that they do to be returned to them by ‘the universe’. I think it’s exceptionally arrogant to believe that the universe is actively conspiring to treat us well, or treat us badly, because of what we send forth. No. There are manipulators and con artists that get good to come their way all the time despite using everyone else as pawns in their game of life. And then when one bad thing happens to them, people are quick to jump on that karma bandwagon. So, let me get this straight…a lifetime of unethical and underhanded behaviour is repaid by a single event of loss or tragedy, and that’s supposed to be karma? No. It’s life. We are only ever good at what we set our minds to. If there was true justice in this world, we wouldn’t have the kind of problems that we’re facing as humanity. Let’s keep it real. Shall we?

    #thesecret #whatgoesaroundcomesaround

  • Live, Laugh, Love, and leave a Legacy

    Live, Laugh, Love, and leave a Legacy

    Live to love, to laugh, and to leave a legacy. Your material success will only be celebrated after your death if it is of benefit to others. Accumulation of wealth to stroke your ego not only deprives you of the joy of human connection, it also denies you the bonds of beauty that feeds your soul. Laughter should not be sourced from a business deal that outwitted your opponent. Such laughter will mock you in your later years when you realise that your fascination with wealth was merely a drop in the ocean of joy compared to what joy you could have achieved in investing the incredible talents you have to brighten up the faces of loved ones, or even strangers. Wealth is a means to an end. Don’t get so caught up in the means that you completely lose sight of your end.

  • Bitter Sweet

    Bitter Sweet

    One thing I could never relate to was the experience of shedding tears of joy. Not the tears that are spontaneously released at the end of a harrowing experience, but the tears that fall out of joy at the sound of good news or because of an unexpected blessing unrelated to a difficulty. The release of tears as an expression of emotion has always fascinated me. Despite my general disposition of feeling things very deeply, and having a keen sense of the emotional space that others may be in, that volume of reference material, so to speak, does not appear to have informed my emotional frame of reference to allow me the ability to spontaneously shed tears of joy.

    Is it a deficiency or is it simply my nature? That has never been an easy question to answer because answering requires a definition of what normal is. For the most part, I don’t think that there is an emotional normal. Perhaps a relatable frame of reference is all that we have to work with, but we don’t engage with others around frames of reference. We engage on emotion.

    Perhaps I am jaded. Who am I kidding? Perhaps has nothing to do with it. Jaded I am, but pessimistic I am not. So I still expect good outcomes, but I’m also painfully aware of the bad outcomes just waiting to occur.

    I’m suddenly reminded of the scene from Hancock with Will Smith and Charlize Theron where they grow closer to each other and lose their immortality. Finding such comfort in each other weakened them while remaining apart strengthened them. That same threat appears to haunt the fearful romantics. The ones that cherish the thought of a perfect companionship but find every reason to believe that they are not worthy of it. The threat of being disemboweled should such perfection be ripped away causes many to recede and play it safe instead.

    I can relate to such bitter sweet moments. Moments when you look into someone’s eyes and see the comforting joy that they feel, only to see it brushed away by their fears of losing such joy if it were to be embraced. Moments when the expectations that society places on us to be perceived a certain way conflicts with what we want for ourselves. Be true to ourselves and risk isolation, or deny ourselves and enjoy an uneasy inclusion? The bitterness of such choices often snuff out the sweetness of what it offered, but we are inclined to believe in probabilities before we believe in hope.

    The bitter sweet moments are many. They’re reflected in moments when you connect with another soul but realise that you’re only a decade or more too late. Or the time that you suddenly grasped the charm of a given act, but the one who charmed you in that way left a long time ago out of frustration or rejection because you may have been distracted. Or the moment when two damaged souls connect, but pull away because neither sees the damage of the other, but only the damage within themselves and think the other to be deserving of better.

    It is safer to recede and take the path of mediocrity, even in love, because mediocrity offers a real chance of tasting happiness or comfort, or even success. It’s the acceptance of half a loaf of bread in case you end up with none. But it also limits the experience of life to half measures and half truths. The other half that is left unfulfilled demands distractions and superficial indulgences to complete you, but such indulgences only distract you from the void but never fills it.

    It’s a sure way to fade away while waiting for that perfect moment to arrive. Equally so, embracing the hope of fulfilment could kill you a thousand times before the kindred one comes along, if ever. Living with such hope is foolhardy to some, but non-negotiable for others. Bitter sweet. No guarantees. That’s life.

  • The one who loves less…

    I once heard that the one who loves less is the one that controls the relationship. It sounds pretty obvious at face value, but it assumes that the expression of love is as obvious as well. It also assumes that the interpretation of control is in fact control and not influence. It assumes a lot. But with most satisfied to think in the shallow end of the emotional pool only, it’s no wonder that such proclamations gain unchallenged veracity.

    Love is never monolithic in its expression. A bunch of flowers for one may be an endearing gesture, while for another it could be superficial or fake. Some prefer to see conviction in a personal gesture or investment of time and effort, while others need the flowers to believe that they were remembered at a time when they weren’t present. Whether one form of expression is better than the other is not the point. The fact that it translates into a gesture that reflects intent, and in turn, is appreciated for what it was intended to convey is significantly more important.

    Intent, therefore, is what counts. Intent, therefore, also demands sincerity. A gesture is only a gesture towards acquiring a specific desired outcome if that gesture proves to be an embrace of another, rather than the acquisition of benefits for personal gain. That seems a bit wordy, so here’s a slightly lighter take on this. If you give with the intention of receiving, you’re giving for your own benefit and not to sincerely express appreciation or endearment of another.

    We all seek to control and/or influence. That is what determines our level of significance with our significant others. Whether such control or influence is driven maliciously or not remains a question of intent, and given the above, it’s near impossible to be absolutely certain about the intent of another. At best, we are able to measure the reciprocation with which our efforts are met. The greater the reciprocation, the more likely we are to believe that there is an equal conviction on their part in responding to our efforts. The less the reciprocation, the more likely we’ll recede from the belief that we’re being taken for granted, or are simply not being appreciated at all.

    The one that controls the relationship is not always the one that loves less. Quite often, conviction in the potential outcome drives some to be controlling when they find that they are unable to subtly influence the behaviour of those they love in the direction that they truly believe will benefit them. Benefit to both the one influencing, and personal benefit to the one being influenced. Perhaps, by the same logic, I could argue that the one who controls less may love less, because in doing so, it could easily reflect a lack of conviction on their part. It could suggest a lack of belief in the innate goodness or the beautiful potential that has yet to be realised from the relationship.

    It’s all about what’s in it for us. If I aim to extract more benefit for myself than I hope to contribute for others, then definitely my efforts at controlling or influencing the outcome will be self-serving. In that case, my love for myself will be greater than my love for any wholesomeness to be achieved with another. However, if my aim is to extract a benefit for the other, without sacrificing myself in the process, then perhaps it could be argued that I am the one that loves more. If I sacrifice myself in the process, it simply means that I see myself as lacking in value to those around me, and therefore need to expend myself in their service if I ever hope to achieve any level of significance in their lives. A truly unhealthy state to be.

  • Soul Mates

    That dreamy look you get when someone walks into the room can mean only one thing. Your soul mate has arrived. The way they smile, the way they shift their gaze down and left with that reflective look before they answer, or the way they throw their head back when they let out a hearty laugh leaves you weak at the knees. Carefully caressing every movement of theirs with your gaze, their sigh becomes your sigh and their embrace becomes your completion.

    Such deep surrender can only be possible with a soul mate. It cannot be explained any other way, right? Of course it can, but in that moment of desire, logic escapes us and the loins take over where love pretends to play. But it’s not a singular desire that drives us to lose sight of reality and suddenly abandon our faculties in favour of love, sweet love. That would be far too simple a neanderthal response to explain why such sophisticated beings as ourselves suddenly drool with desire when the brain fog sets it.

    We go through life savouring successes, even tiny ones, bravely rising from each setback that befalls us. With each rising we muster a portion of renewed hope, a smattering of new wisdom, and a lowly regret that we tuck away neatly because it doesn’t quite complete the picture that we now present to the world. That’s the image of composed resilience that won’t be stifled. It would be fantastic if that cycle came around only once, but it doesn’t. It comes around more often than we’d care to remember, or even less than we’d care to admit. And so with each cycle we grow weary, but continue to exude hope and optimism, because all the fairy tales in the world cannot be wrong. My soul mate cometh, and I shall be ready and waiting to meet her at the door before the threshold, so that we can trundle in together, or not.

    The reality is closer to the truth of us spending our lives seeking avenues of expression so that we may be able to reveal ourselves to the world without feeling vulnerable in the process. Striking that balance leads to a tiresome combination of restraint and expression, until one of the two become more dominant. That dominant disposition shapes our character to the world around us, eventually convincing even us that it is who we are, until that fateful moment when that soul mate enters. That soul mate comes in the form of one who expresses what we restrain, and restrains what we express, thereby striking a cord with a desire buried so deep that just teasing it leaves us giggling like lovesick teens who just witnessed the de-flowering of the world.

    That completeness awakens us to the optimism and passion we once held dear, and with seeming abandon, we expose ourselves willingly in preparation for the embrace we yearned for since forever. Suddenly we wish to express to the world on their behalf what they restrain, trusting foolishly that they will express to the world what we restrain, and from between our loins shall spawn the perfectly balanced beauty of the sum of us.

    Whether they are soul mates or not is almost entirely irrelevant, or at best, subject to interpretation. We selectively interpret life, and love, and then follow it with deliberate action that either proves our views to be true, or abandons the world for being untrue. It is what we choose it to be, but such choices have to be mutual if the outcome is to be idyllic. Sometimes we meet one whose choices are inversely mutual, thereby syncing perfectly with our own, but sometimes what appears to be an initial sync turns out to be a novelty phase of fascination and not much more. When that phase passes, some will convince us that soul mates are not always intended to stay forever, while others will suggest that they weren’t ours to begin with. Either way, the outcome remains true, and the lessons we take will either build us up, or break us down.

    The amazing thing is, whether we’re right or wrong is not really what matters. That’s just bonus points. How we appreciate and grow from whatever or whoever comes our way is what peppers life beautifully, or taints it horribly. Much of life is wasted waiting for opportune moments or validation. Soul mates will be drawn towards us as kindred spirits when we live authentically and pause only for air to fill our lungs before we push on again. But authenticity is not easy to express, because we’re raised to find affection and validation as markers that determine our success. No wonder, in a world of emotionally stinted half formed adults, we wait for our soul mates to join us before we immerse ourselves fully in what is always only ever a one time offer.

    Life doesn’t wait for soul mates, nor should you.

  • When Love Fades

    That first look, when eyes meet, minds align, that moment when you find yourself appreciating a random moment of beauty with a total stranger. In that moment your hearts connect, a yearning of a thousand years collides and it prompts a moment of unexpected euphoria that leaves your knees in search of support, and your mouth agape with wonder. What follows is usually an indulgence of each other, sometimes only intellectually, but often physically as well. In those moments perfection was not sought. Perfection was not even a conscious consideration because the feeling inside made all such standards irrelevant. The unsightly spots, the skin blemishes, the dishevelled hair, or the mismatched clothing all faded from view because that desire of a thousand years was suddenly fulfilled. It didn’t leave enough energy to recede to a safe distance in order to measure what we were presented with. We allowed ourselves to connect, because that connection was always infinitely more important than the lustful satisfaction of two perfectly toned bodies embracing. But then it fades, seemingly for no reason.

    That feeling of love, infatuation, amazement, wonder, awe and all those other beautiful sensations don’t just disappear as a natural cycle. Look at any old couple that have kept the love alive in their relationship and you’ll see that it simply is not true. The wisdom of love lies not in knowing what to do when that happens in order to save what once existed. Knowing what to do. Just the thought of that sounds far too deliberate and onerous to make it joyful.

    Instead, the wisdom of love lies is in being consistently true to the image you portrayed when you first met the one you claimed to have loved. You see, we present ourselves in a way that makes us most attractive or appealing when we find ourselves in the company of those by whom we wish to be admired or accepted. It is an aspirational desire. The insincere will quickly revert to their default disposition of being less than that the moment they feel that they either accomplished the goal of winning said admiration or acceptance, or if they believe that it is a futile effort. That is when the love fades.

    It fades when you think that your best is not deserved any longer. It fades when you think that being lethargic, distracted, or otherwise inclined is more warranted than the giving of your attention in the same measures as you did when you first met. We confuse love with lust far too often. It is the lust that fades. Lust will fade if we grow intellectually and spiritually. That growth automatically demands fulfilment of a different kind. People don’t grow euphoric with physical stimulation, but rather with intellectual or spiritual fulfilment. Euphoria is a feeling of the heart, not the loins. The loins breed lust and indulgence, not euphoria. How many lay there emotionally detached while fulfilling the rights of their lovers while faking it? The absence of the heart renders any physical act impotent.

    When we expect the loins to fulfil what the heart needs, we delude ourselves into believing that physical attraction is more important than spiritual beauty. Relationships don’t go through natural cycles of decay. There is nothing natural about us losing interest in the one we’re with. That only happens when we grow separately, or when one grows and the other doesn’t. That is when love fades. And don’t be fooled into believing that it is anything more complex than that simple truth. Love fades when we leave the ones we love behind, or when the ones we love choose not to continue on the path that we set out on. That is when love fades. And then we set out in search of trinkets to distract ourselves in order to remain loyal to a cause that has long since lost any of the substance it once contained.

    Love fades when you stop caring. You stop caring when you stop paying attention. You stop paying attention when that which attracted you is no longer available, or you’ve outgrown the wonder that it offers. Perhaps that is why it is said that it is not love that keeps a relationship going, but commitment. But even that is not enough, because at some point, the cost of remaining committed will outweigh the benefits of the commitment.

  • The Folly of Love (Part 2)

    The previous post of the same title always felt incomplete, and most probably so will this one. There is another side to this concept of love that is almost entirely absent in our lives. Apart from the sincerity of gestures and goodwill towards each other, there is a bond that is established with each giving of ourselves that goes unnoticed. It escapes us because we have no expectations of it growing into anything more. Sometimes we even restrain ourselves actively from giving more because we are averse to the responsibility that goes with such a contribution. There is a beauty, a grounding, or maybe more accurately a homeliness in being able to connect with another human soul. It is accompanied by a sense of belonging and acceptance. But it is often short lived, if felt at all. I think love extends to every human interaction.

    I’ve found that with each interaction that I share with another, especially when those interactions continue over an extended period of time, and the more familiar I become with the struggles and aspirations of the next person, the more likely I am to fall in love with their being. We always talk about giving of ourselves as an act of love, but I think surrendering our defenses is equally indulgent. To surrender requires trust, and trust reflects more of the person that is trusting than the one who is trusted. It is grounded in a sincerity to contribute or receive that which would otherwise not be possible to bring into being. That sincerity is fed by a desire, or more accurately a need to connect in order to feel significant.

    The most fundamental source of inspiration that we receive is appreciation, or gratitude. It affirms our ability to make a significant contribution which indirectly validates our sense of purpose. Appreciation is an expression of love, but not just an appreciation of beauty. Instead, it is any form of appreciation that extends beyond the superficial. However, the intent (which can be argued is similar if not the same as sincerity) will either taint or embellish the expression of appreciation. It is in that moment that we find reason to fall in love, or to be repulsed.

    The cynic in me compels me to acknowledge that every act is an expression of love. However, that expression is not always aimed at the other. If we look closely enough, we will always be able to determine whether the lover is immersed in a love for themselves, or a love for that which they pursue or indulge in. Even in the most despicable form of aggression or cruelty there is a love that is present for that which drives us to the point of such powerful expression. This ramble is losing its focus and its meaning, and perhaps in that is the confirmation that any contemplation of love is indeed a folly.

    But the lingering thought that remains to be expressed is what affects me most profoundly. It is not the act of falling in love that demands the most of our senses but rather the gutting of love that does. In that moment of betrayal when the one whose being you have grown to love retracts or deliberately withholds their expression of love to you, it is in that moment that the realisation of the love that was shared is most often felt. Until that point it is most often taken for granted, if noticed at all.

    I fall in love with the human spirit more times than I care to admit. And I scare many who are afraid to even consider that love may exist under such circumstances. Given the rarity of true compassion in the world, it is easy for an innocent show of concern or affection to be misconstrued for lust or inappropriate attention rather than love. This moral decay is not only robbing us of a wholesome living experience, it is robbing us of the ability to express sincerity without fear of being unfairly judged or entirely ridiculed.

  • The Hazard of Conviction

    The risk of living your life with conviction is falling in love too easily. Stop. Not every statement of love is about needy bonds between two people. No. Love is more wholesome when it is considered within the context of giving of yourself without restraint just so that you can experience the joy of such abandon, even if it is discarded or goes unnoticed. The aftermath of such rejection is what primes us for our next encounter. Sometimes it builds walls so high and tough that we lose any conviction in living with conviction. But sometimes, it strips us of any pride we may have had in holding on to the delusion of being in control, and as a result we find ourselves actively pursuing the ideal that got away.

    Despite my disillusionment at those that live life focused on pleasing or appeasing others, I can’t despise them for it because I know that those same weaknesses exist within me. I may not succumb to it as often these days, but I’ve had my bouts of indulgence that left me questioning my significance and my sanity. But this is not about self-doubt, it’s about conviction. Those that lack conviction demonstrate an absence of love or passion in what they do, and it shows. We are drawn to that which resonates with our convictions, be they values, principles, or even aspirations. We are repulsed by those that create noise or disturbance around these core issues of our serenity, sometimes overtly, but often as a natural dislike that cannot be easily explained.

    I find it easier to engage meaningfully with someone that holds contradictory views to my own when they express such views with conviction and sincerity, as opposed to the whimsical agreement I receive from many that are too afraid to offend me. We need receptive hearts before we find the words to express the message that stirs within us. People with conviction are often those receptive hearts we need, while people without it tend to sway with the fads and the fickleness of the times, leaving very little room for inspiration, but much for consumerism. Given how distracted society is these days, it’s safe to assume that the distracted are many, while the convicted are few. When the convicted challenge the distractions, they are purged from society under the guise of maintaining the peace. (I suspect that many will struggle to see the ‘convicted’ as one with conviction, as opposed to a common criminal, which ironically contradicts the fact that the one without conviction is in fact the thief of the peace in our lives).

    Choosing to live with conviction is choosing a path laden with heartache and disappointment, occasionally peppered with a glint of beauty from those that have experienced enough betrayal and disappointment to learn to be true to themselves. But those moments of beauty cannot be traded for anything less, because everything else only feeds the desire to embrace that beauty. It is akin to achieving the realisation of something, which once realised, cannot be un-realised. The absence of conviction makes it that much more difficult to recover from betrayal, because when we lack a sense of who we are and what we stand for, we are more likely to court the affirmation of others for the sake of affirmation, rather than finding comfort in being grounded in our focus on a higher purpose.

    There are too many of us that are trying to live someone else’s dream, while believing that it is in fact our own. We’re afraid to scratch beneath the surface, or disrupt the system, while we celebrate the disruptive ones. We find a calling behind a rebel, but spurn rebels amongst us. We contradict ourselves regularly, but are oblivious to such contradiction because it is in balance with society. We allow society to define us while we despise ourselves for being defined. We want to be unique individuals, just like everyone else, and the saddest irony is that most don’t get the irony in that.

    I have fallen in and out of love with people in brief moments of random encounters. Some have held my love for longer, while others took it for granted because they were distracted by affirmation too soon. Seeing the gold in the eyes of one that feels a sudden and unexpected elation at truly grasping a moment of beauty in their own lives is priceless. It is what drives me to be uncompromising and tenacious in my effort to unlock more of it in everything around me. Those that lack such conviction find me impossible to deal with, but those that have it experience moments of revelation that reveals the beauty beneath the cesspool of society.

    I am at odds with society, and I love it. I never wanted to fit in, although at times I desired acceptance. But conformity was never an option. I pray that I will meet others with an equal conviction in my lifetime, not just fleeting glimpses of them, but a true embrace of souls that will provide a distant echo of the peace that lies beyond.