The struggle for self-worth

Our relationship with our father, whether they’re present or absent, still with us or passed on, shapes how we feel about ourselves more than any other influencing factor in our lives.

It’s not about whether they were good or bad as humans or as parents, but rather what we took from our experiences with them, or what we took from their absence.

A father who is absent because he has to work long hours to provide for his family, could still have a positive impact if he is not harsh and impatient with his children when he does have a few moments to share with them.

Similarly, a father who is present but always fixated on rules, boundaries, rituals, and the like, will create an emotional barrier between him and his children that will convince them that who they are doesn’t matter, and that what they achieve is all that matters.

That directly conflicts with our core human need to be of significance.

What we take, or what we believe to have been their motivation to be that way towards us in our early years, is what shapes how we show up for others in our later years.

Most people who have had a difficult relationship with their father know exactly how they don’t want to do things, or how they don’t want to be as parents, but that doesn’t mean that they know how to achieve what they want in their relationship with their children.

That’s how, without meaning to, we often become exactly like the parent/so that we once judged harshly for failing us as a parent.

The most effective way to break this cycle is to understand the true reasons why your father may not have been what you needed him to be despite his best intentions or efforts.

It’s only in seeing the demons of others that we will realise that how they showed up for us was not because of who we are, but rather because of how our needs from them provoked the demons that they were grappling with.

That’s how we learn from the shortcomings of others, rather than falling into the same deficiencies because we think we’re better than them.

See the human behind the role and you’ll feed the soul of those who desperately need it.

#parenting #narcissist #narcissisticabuse #lifecoaching #zaidismail #toxicparents