So it’s time to give up on another
dream…or maybe more accurately – dreams, since so many of them have been
inextricably intertwined in my latest halucinations. 2010 is definitely a year
worth remembering and forgetting all at the same time.
The lows…recovering from the fire that wiped out the cottage, and the mess and
financial havoc that went with it…let alone the personal strife and
trauma…the accident with the beemer and again, the financial havoc that went
with it. Then there was the job front that showed me my rear end…so I started
out 2011 unemployed, and seemingly unemployable since a matric certificate from 22 years ago apparently trumps 20 years of exhaustive effort, amazing achievements and solid experience in an area of IT that most people suck at.
Once again being estranged from my eldest daughter because of the twisted bitchiness of her deranged mother that thinks that it’s a sure fire way to get me to take her back. Sick bitch. And how could I leave out being dumped a million times over because of my undesirable level of social unacceptability rather than because I’m undesirable. So that confirms that I’m supposedly unemployable and unmarry-able if the latest opinions of me are to be deemed authoritative. Not that it differs much from previous opinions that were offered in this regard.
So the highs would be…the untimely death of my ex-wife…unashamedly a positive event in my life, only to leave me with one of the greatest challenges in her wake as well. Pun intended. My younger daughter now living with me so that I can fend off wave after wave of ridiculous accusations from her grandparents about abuse, neglect, kidnapping and who knows what else…followed by bare-fanged ingratitude and venom from people I always suspected of insincerity but assumed the best of anyway. So much for the highs…launched an online business that has yet to make a single sale (other than my own purchase) in more than 4 months! Yet another financial disaster.
And so it continues…and now, to give up on the dreams that I shaped around this home in which I invested heavily in time, money and a lot of hard work and sweat! But without the job, there can be no house to call my own, and so, as before, just as I grow comfortable or optimistic about establishing a really homely environment for myself and my family, it’s got to go, and I need to start again. Only this time, I have no inclination to start again…only a need to curl up and die and hope that that will be the end of it. But such good fortune does not await me…it would be too easy.
And suicide is not an option either…so here goes nothing…again. I’m starting to feel like that tree in the forest that falls and no one hears…which makes its fall irrelevant and inconsequential.
My blog isn’t a true reflection of who I am. It only reflects some light on the darkness that lurks within me. It reflects my struggles for purpose and understanding. It reflects hints of my passion. It reflects suggestions of who I am and who I yearn to be. But it is not entirely me.
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