I think till it pales me, and then I observe how my thinking pales me, and then I observe how my observation of my thinking pales me. And the cycle continues until I have no energy nor inclination to think, at which point my brain switches off, my emotions go into neutral, I quite unconsciously assume a detached disposition and I appear as cold and insensitive as a sociopath. Worse still, thoughts that can only be entertained by a sociopath start trickling through my head until suddenly I realise how detached I am, how sullen I appear, and how fatigued my body is, and it prompts a burst of consciousness that jolts me out of that stupor and into a flurry of thoughts and passion and creativity that manifests itself in flirtatious and endearing behaviour that leaves most bewildered at the sudden change in temperament.
I’m not moody. Sometimes I just succumb to the weight of life. The gentle souls that touch my life in my later years inevitably bear the brunt of the lessons learnt at the hands of the despicable souls in my earlier years. What didn’t kill me didn’t make me stronger, it only made me more jaded, but progressively more impatient. I keep lying to myself thinking that survival implies strength, when in fact it simply implies adaptability. Knowing how to dodge the bullet doesn’t make me bullet proof. It simply makes me smart enough to know when to duck. But eventually, I get tired of ducking and instead, I stand square-shouldered facing the onslaught with eyes wide open, my heart gently ticking away in my chest, waiting for what I always knew was inevitable, knowing that it will hit me hard, but defiantly standing there waiting to see exactly how hard it’s going to hit.
I look at life and envy those that can live in the moment without a concern for the consequences. It must be so comforting being so numb to what may come next. But I can’t help but look at life and see what came before and what will come next without ever allowing myself enough time to savour what is. The present moment continues to elude me. Silence. Now there’s a nice idea!