Tag: tired

  • Lazy Thoughts

    Lazy thoughts are weird. Not only do they suck every last ounce of energy that I have in me, but they’re even more difficult to express. It’s that whole intellectual constipation thing again. That urge to want to say something deep and insightfully meaningful but coming up with a few straggling lazy thoughts instead.

    So I end up reminiscing about days gone by because nostalgia is always best indulged in when I lack energy to deal with today. Not enough energy to care about tomorrow either, so I’ll leave it nagging at the door in the back of my mind waiting to be let in. Tomorrow is an energy sucker just like yesterday. They both demand a level of attention and indulgence that yield no immediate benefit.

    Ugh…blankness becomes me right now. So many blogs, so little inspiration.

  • Another Vicious Cycle

    Man is incapable of perfection, yet I expect it of others, and demand it of myself. Even in the latitude that I allow myself and others around me, I expect perfection in their compliance with such boundaries all the while fooling myself that my flexibility flies in the face of my perfectionist tendencies. Nonetheless, I strive for perfection in pursuit of efficiency because any inefficiency irks me with the realisation that energy is being consumed on something that could be avoided. I’m lazy like that.

    The circular debate that rages in my head leaves me exhausted enough not to be able to fulfil my expectations of myself. It’s a tedious cycle. Feeling too tired to do what I know needs to be done, then feeling disgruntled by the fact that I’m not making the progress I’d hoped for, followed by the disillusionment at the realisation that I’m too tired to maintain the presence of mind required to complete the tasks at hand. 

    Feels like a dog chasing its tail, or the donkey in hot pursuit of the dangling carrot. I pray I’m not the only one with this affliction, because there is much comfort that can be gained by witnessing our shortcomings in others. It suddenly makes us feel human and less than incompetent. 

  • think…think…think…think…think…think…

    I think till it pales me, and then I observe how my thinking pales me, and then I observe how my observation of my thinking pales me. And the cycle continues until I have no energy nor inclination to think, at which point my brain switches off, my emotions go into neutral, I quite unconsciously assume a detached disposition and I appear as cold and insensitive as a sociopath. Worse still, thoughts that can only be entertained by a sociopath start trickling through my head until suddenly I realise how detached I am, how sullen I appear, and how fatigued my body is, and it prompts a burst of consciousness that jolts me out of that stupor and into a flurry of thoughts and passion and creativity that manifests itself in flirtatious and endearing behaviour that leaves most bewildered at the sudden change in temperament.

    I’m not moody. Sometimes I just succumb to the weight of life. The gentle souls that touch my life in my later years inevitably bear the brunt of the lessons learnt at the hands of the despicable souls in my earlier years. What didn’t kill me didn’t make me stronger, it only made me more jaded, but progressively more impatient. I keep lying to myself thinking that survival implies strength, when in fact it simply implies adaptability. Knowing how to dodge the bullet doesn’t make me bullet proof. It simply makes me smart enough to know when to duck. But eventually, I get tired of ducking and instead, I stand square-shouldered facing the onslaught with eyes wide open, my heart gently ticking away in my chest, waiting for what I always knew was inevitable, knowing that it will hit me hard, but defiantly standing there waiting to see exactly how hard it’s going to hit.

    I look at life and envy those that can live in the moment without a concern for the consequences. It must be so comforting being so numb to what may come next. But I can’t help but look at life and see what came before and what will come next without ever allowing myself enough time to savour what is. The present moment continues to elude me. Silence. Now there’s a nice idea!

  • (Source: http://blackbruise.tumblr.com/post/9930948641)

  • (Source: http://blackbruise.tumblr.com/post/9930948641)