In the absence of affirmation or constructive criticism, it’s extremely difficult to maintain my bearings on whether I’m heading in the right direction or not. I’m inclined to believe that despite my best efforts, I simply do not fit in with the Muslim community. This despite the fact that I am a regular musallee and those salaah that I miss in congregation I perform in the privacy of my home. I pay my zakaah, but in private of course. I fast during Ramadaan and occasionally on days recommended by the Sunnah throughout the year, but I don’t advertise it to others when I do. I have tried to obtain my visa for Hajj twice now, but both attempts being unsuccessful because of quota restrictions from the Saudi government. And most importantly, I have no doubt that there is no god but Allah, and that Muhammed (SAW) is the last and final prophet and messenger of Allah.
Yet none of this is sufficient to provide me with any level of peace or fulfillment in my engagements with the broader Muslim community. The lack of conviction to principles, the kowtowing to elitist social circles, the embellishment of kufr to make it acceptable, the condescension and rhetoric from the pulpits, the detachment of the scholars from the communities, the excess in lifestyles, not just materialistically, but also ritualistically, the condoning of suicide bombings and attacks on unarmed women and children, and so much more that just doesn’t seem to fit in with the value system that I see Islam teaching us.
We’re living the signs of the hour, yet we’re still looking outwardly to judge others for their contribution to these signs? I need to find the middle path in all this…Ya Allah, please guide me to the path of moderation and sincerity in all this. Please save me from myself, and save me from the allures of social acceptance when that acceptance demands insincerity and hypocrisy.