Category: Life

  • Perhaps…

    Farting against thunder. That’s often the sum total of my state of mind these days. For a moment today I felt as if sharing my thoughts on this and other blogs of mine was in fact perpetuating the whispers of insignificance that taunt me. It’s an insane cycle. Needing an outlet, not necessarily creative or emotional, but just something to release the noise, make space for the clutter to fall into an open space so that I might be able to look for clues on how to unravel it all.

    I sometimes feel repulsed by what I write. At other times, I’m repulsed by the fact that I write at all. I wonder if all my efforts at unlocking the logic behind the ridiculous labels is in fact me denying that those labels actually apply to me. Perhaps I have a mental disorder but my arrogance and obstinacy prevents me from acknowledging it. Perhaps my views on what is or is not good in this world is in fact tainted with a sense of idealism that is unachievable.

    I shy away from debates that used to impassion me. I look at others and recede believing that my attempts at getting them to understand, or appreciate, or simply entertain an alternate view is futile. I seem prone to taking up lost causes as if doing so may spur on some global reawakening about something simple that seems pivotal to the resurrection of old school values that I cling to so dearly. Perhaps I only cling to them out of fear of not being able to embrace the new? Perhaps I’m not farting at all against the thunder. Perhaps the thunder is in fact the clutter in my head, seeing chaos where only randomness exists, and seeking order where none is possible.

    Perhaps the days of my sanity are numbered. Perhaps the purpose of life that always seemed so poignantly obvious to me was in fact a figment of my own imagination. A conjured ruse of a troubled teenager’s aspirations lacking in substance and form, with a life breathed into it from the seat of desperation that wrestles within my soul. Perhaps I was feigning sanity all along.

  • Those Invertebrates Again

    The disjointed thought patterns are back. Just as I was starting to revel in the experience of being able to think in whole sentences again, it all came to an ungraceful stop today. No. It did not come to a stop, I stopped it. I stopped it because I was tired of the same routine, the same cycle, the same deja moo. You know, those moments when you feel like you’ve heard this bullshit before? That was me today, and yesterday. Oh, hold on, it was last week as well, but I wasn’t paying too much attention back then because my natural defences kicked in and I shut out the noise, like  most people do these days.

    The only words that teeter on the tip of my lips right now, threatening to escape through my fingers, are expletives. Joyous, wonderful, and indulgent vulgarities, because that is all that I can muster to describe the contempt with which I view many people right now. A herd of perfectly postured invertebrates pretending to be sincere while desperately creating smokescreens to hide their pathetic incompetence and unethical behaviour. I need to scream a primal scream that causes a mountain to crumble to ashes so that I can finally let go of the frustration that mounts within me while I wait for people to be true to their stated convictions. I fittingly and deliberately plagiarised that imagery from one such invertebrate I had the misfortune of believing in. But that’s a whinge for another lifetime.

    There has to be a point to this post other than just a rant. If I don’t make a meaningful point, it will reduce my self-esteem to nothingness at the realisation that I just succumbed to the same pathetic pointless existence as most of them. Yes, them. Those oxygen thieves that stop at nothing to secure their selfish needs without any consideration for the sequence of events that they set in motion. A sequence of events that always tramples on the disenfranchised (I can’t believe I just used that liberal bullshit term) while pompously patting themselves on their blubbery backs.

    I despise the world tonight. No, I despise the psychopaths that wear masks pretending to be human when in fact they’re simply parasites in expensive suits worn as a superficial skin that presents a notion of dignity, without conscience.

    This is a haphazard rant. I haven’t been this self-indulgent in a long time. I hate that I work with people that make such indulgence necessary to begin with. But my saving grace is the fact that having a need to vent confirms that I have yet to give up my passion for what I believe in and hold dear. So to hell with the spineless swines. I will not become complacent to be party to their despicable agendas. I really sound like an idealistic teenager sometimes. Damn!

  • Parenting Gone Wrong

    This is an interaction I had with someone on my Tumblr blog. It touches on the destructive relationships that some parents have with their children. It’s something quite close to home for me, so I thought I’d share it here as well. The content that is bold is my opinion that I shared on the issues being raised. 

    What if a person has a sort-of narcissistic mother? And what if she has disliked the child since the child was young (but loved the child’s younger sibling), and still blames the child (even when the child is now an adult) for everything? So in her heart and mind, her child is the one with problems, the one who is the cause of all pain in her life.

    Narcissistic mothers are more common than you would imagine. I can’t count the number of mothers I’ve seen in my own experiences that openly and aggressively compete with their daughters (usually the eldest daughter if there’s more than one). It’s disturbing to say the least, and not uncommon to find them choosing a favourite between their children.

    What if the reason for the mother having bad feelings towards her child is the child’s fault for not having enough sabr?

    While that is a distinct possibility, given the rest of the scenarios presented below, that sounds almost like Stockholm Syndrome where the victim starts to sympathise with the aggressor’s position and sees them as justified in their actions.

    Let’s say once the child was an adult, they went back to try and fix things and create a relationship with the mother again. But the mother continued to emotionally condemn and hurt the person, but that the person tried to have sabr, and limited their visits with their mother just to keep the peace. What if one time, the person had to stay with the mother for over 5 days due to a specific circumstance. What if during this time, no matter how quiet the person tried to stay, the mother became increasingly irritated and angry with them and started saying horrible things. (And the sibling of the person took the mothers side also, saying that they don’t want that person in their lives anymore – there must be something wrong with the person then, right, and not the mother?)

    I disagree. It doesn’t necessarily imply that there is something wrong with the person. What it does suggest is that the mother has some issues relating to an association with the person in question. In other words, the mother could have been at a difficult time in her life when she gave conceived and/or gave birth to the child that is being pushed aside. As a result, especially in younger mothers, it’s not uncommon for them to project their own disappointments about life on the unborn or newborn child because it makes it easy for them to project their failures on the child instead of accepting responsibility for the choices they made. E.g. So if the mother had aspirations of building a career or having a certain amount of social freedom at that point in her life, and she ended up having an unplanned baby, in her weakness to acknowledge her own contribution to that situation, she would blame the baby for robbing her off those aspirations, and that blame, when nurtured for long enough, could become really toxic in their relationship in later years.

    Then what if the mother physically hurt the person in anger- as if they were a small child again- and what if this time the person just had enough and finally snapped, reacting back to the mother?
    Isn’t it the fault of that person for not having enough sabr with the situation? And now because of that, the mother is angry and holds an even bigger grudge than before and has now disowned that person from the family completely.
    So…. in Allah’s eyes, isn’t the person to blame, since the mother should always be respected and not shown anger towards?

    The person was bound to snap at some point, because as human beings, we have an inherent need for reciprocation, appreciation or gratitude. Our efforts must yield some beneficial results at some point or else we’re bound to snap out of anger at feeling incompetent or insignificant in the situation we’re trying to resolve. While being disrespectful towards a parent can never be condoned, I don’t believe there is anything wrong in maintaining a healthy distance in order to discourage a situation from arising that would lead to such disrespect becoming unavoidable. Islam is holistic in its approach to everything, and therefore, in this situation, the mother would need to fulfil her duties and responsibilities in order to enjoy the benefits of the elevated position that Islam affords her. In this case, the mother would always find a reason to justify her view about the merits and qualities of the person in question because she would need that to avoid taking accountability for her own actions that led up to the toxic situation between the two of them.

    And how would it work out on the day of judgement? Because ultimately it’s her word against the child’s and from the importance of the relationship with the mother in Islam, doesn’t that mean that the child of the mother has no chance on the day of judgement to enter Jannah? No matter how much the person repents, ultimately, isn’t it the word of the mother against theirs?

    I don’t think the Day of Judgement will be about one person’s word against another’s because all our deeds are clearly recorded. Our own bodies will act as witnesses against us, so no one’s opinion will carry weight on that day. Allah will judge fairly between the two, and we will not be held accountable for those situations that are out of our control. We will only be accountable for that which we could have done but didn’t do, within reasonable limits. 

    Of course Allah knows best, but I’m just wondering.

    P.s. At the same time though, the mother is a practicing Muslim, a kind and generous person in general. So it’s very confusing for the child, they wonder if it really is them with the problem, since the mother is a good person and practicing Muslim in general. So if that’s the case, does the child have any chance of entering Jannah, since the only time the mother becomes abusive and angry like this is when they are around. Therefore, there must be something wrong with that particular child of the mother’s, right?

    Again, it’s not necessarily due to a fault on the part of the child. Some parents, for whatever reason, just take a natural dislike and develop a very competitive relationship with their child/children. There’s nothing any child can do to change that because the one with the predominant power and influence is the parent. Until the child attains a level of independence and success as an adult, it’s hardly likely that the parent will see them differently. Even then, the parent could choose to continue seeing the child’s success as a result of their sacrifices rather than acknowledging their child’s efforts to make a good life for themselves. So the best is to just recognise the constraints and dynamics of the relationship for what it is, and take the needed steps to avoid further contention.

    This reminds me of the incident between the Prophet (SAW) and Wahshi, the man that killed Hamzah (RA). After asking him for an explanation of what happened, Rasulullah (SAW) forgave him and asked him never to show him his face again. The reason I’m reminded of this incident is because a similar theme could play out here. The person could accept that the current circumstances are just not conducive towards a healthy relationship with the parent, and so should avoid unnecessary contact without severing family ties. Insha-Allah in time, the absence and independent growth on both sides may lead to a thawing of the ice in the relationship and result in mutual respect developing, Ameen. 

    P.S. It’s normal for the favourite child to be sympathetic towards the parent’s views, until they reach an age of maturity where they are able to view the relationship more objectively.

  • Is this the real life…

    I’ve been faced with a daunting realisation these last few days. Perhaps I’m not so average after all. I’m not better, nor am I worse, but I’m starting to realise that I’m probably just fundamentally different. This may sound like a romantic notion to some, but to me this is potentially life altering. The reason it has such an impact on me is because it calls to question every observation or piece of advice that I ever offered anyone. If my disposition and point of departure is so significantly different from most others, it means that my criticisms and insights are distinctly biased and potentially useless for most of the people that I ever engage with.

    These are troubling thoughts for someone that has found much comfort in being able to offer advice to others so that they may avoid the mistakes that I’ve made. But this realisation now suggests that my mistakes are not likely to be repeated by others because I am not part of the normal crowd. I guess in many ways I’ve been resisting this realisation all my life. I’ve thought of myself as normal but different. Now I just think I’m different, and I’m not sure I grasp the concept of normal at all. I doubt I ever did.

    My ability to detach my emotions from reason is a quirk not appreciated by most. It helps in times of crisis, but it causes me to look distinctly uninterested and often annoyed when others are freaking out while I fail to see a reason to freak out just yet. Given that most people don’t live in true crisis mode all the time, it makes this skill of mine somewhat tedious to deal with. And surrounding myself with people that are in fact living in crisis mode continually will just drain the last drop of optimism from my gut. So I guess I’m in limbo.

    Silence is the only comfort I seem to enjoy these days. Everything else demands a presence of mind and a demand of my attention that has become quite an effort. I’m distracted most of the time with thoughts of…everything. What was, what is, what might be, what might not be, what could have been, what should have been, what I’m glad hasn’t been, and it goes on. It goes on painfully and tediously. But through it all I’ve managed to remain somewhat functional and able to offer some purpose in my presence. The more I experience, the more jaded is my response to life.

    Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? No, it can’t be. If it were, it would negate the realisation that prompted this post to begin with. I look at others my age and I struggle to relate to their frame of mind. In some ways I relate to the mind set of those 15 years my junior, but I find myself at odds with how they approach their sense of purpose in  life. I’m disjointed from society, from the community, and often from my family. But I’ve been revelling in that disjointedness until now under the misconception of it having been a valuable skill that allowed me to view the world with a fresh perspective.

    Who was I fooling all this time? I’m cynically jaded. There is no fresh perspectives for a jaded one. Suddenly Bohemian Rhapsody is mocking me.

  • Ramblings of me

    The balance of my life always fluctuates between function and dysfunction, but that there has always been a balance is undeniable. I’m often distracted by the potential outcomes of the dysfunction that presents itself that I exaggerate my responses under the pretence that I’m simply choosing to be decisive, when in fact I’m simply disguising my fear and frustration.

    The longer I live, the more jaded I become because I’m prone to seek to protect myself. I grew up feeling exposed and fragile, so it seems that I may have over compensated for this in the development of my defences. The dysfunction that I experience leads to stress and morbidity, but I’ve mastered the art of presenting a composed disposition under circumstances that would scare the hell out of most. It works well for me, so I’m unlikely to consider any significant shift in my disposition any time soon. But I have this nagging feeling that it also excludes me from some of the joys of life that most take for granted.

    There is much that others take for granted while I marvel at their abilities or experiences, yet they marvel at my apparent composure and seemingly level-headed approach to life. We’re all actors after all, but it’s only those of us that realise and accept this fact that are the most powerful in society. Sometimes I seek to impose my sense of balance on those around me. I do so with sincerity of intent to want to improve their quality of life, but I’m soon reminded that such an endeavour is steeped in arrogance. Arrogance in the belief that I am superior and that my challenges were more significant, and therefore, if my balance works for me, then surely it must work for lesser mortals, right?

    This post seems to reflect the senseless ramblings of my soul quite accurately this morning.

  • Where Will This End?

    I wonder at times what the point is. Not of life. Of living. The worst distraction I’ve ever experienced in life has been my obsession with people’s opinions and affirmations. As much as I appear aloof or independent of it, it influences my behaviour in ways that disgust me at times.

    I’m in the process of killing my Tumblr blog. The dashboard on Tumblr seems to drive the same kind of behaviour as Facebook. It turned me into an attention whore seeking desperately to carve a niche for myself in a sea of uninterested acquaintances. But being the naive fool that I am, any seemingly sincere engagement with a stranger leads me to believe that I am being appreciated for the essence of me. The essence of me? I barely know what that is yet I fool myself into believing that others may be able to appreciate it.

    I sometimes feel like I’m primed for a mid-life crisis, although this crisis has already been in effect for the better part of my life. Responding stereotypically towards a stereotypical event hardly holds any appeal for me, but the tedious tendencies of society to label everything and everyone is rubbing off on me. I can think of no other reason why I continuously attempt to define my state of mind and my phase of life although arriving at a definitive term is quite simple. Dystopia. This is what it is, but hopefully will not be when it ends.

    The struggle then is aptly defined as my grave attempt to turn dystopia into utopia whilst still remaining morbidly functional in a dysfunctional society. Why do I keep measuring myself against society? I must be mad.

  • HI. Not sure how to phrase this question, but, how has having daughters changed your life? How has the experience of raising them changed you?

    Hey…Aslm. 🙂

    Having daughters has been quite a blessing and a struggle. My circumstances have caused a significant strain in my relationship with both of them, but that’s not due to any fault on their part. I’m forced to take my life more seriously since having them, and being inherently responsible (painfully so at times), it has made me considerably more introspective about life as well. 

    Everything I do is with them in mind. What will they think of me when I’m no longer around, or when they’re going through life’s challenges? Will they appreciate what little guidance I’ve tried to give them, or will they despise me for not having prepared them well enough for what lies ahead?

    I wonder if I’ll be around to guide them through the hurdles of their painful teenage years, or through the early struggles of married life. Even if such guidance is simply to allow them to see my mistakes more clearly so that they don’t make the same ones. 

    Having them has changed me significantly. But I constantly feel as if I’m not doing enough for them. I guess that will be the sentiment expressed by most parents. I sometimes look around at other men and wonder if maybe they would have been better served by them. I guess I’m as insecure as any parent that has children.

    But undoubtedly, I see both of them as a blessing and I pray that they don’t grow up feeling cursed or seeing themselves as burdens to society. My greatest fear is that they won’t be protected, guided, supported and respected as much as I would want them to be. 

  • Uninspired

    The ‘inspiration’ tag on Tumblr is really un-inspirational. I guess that’s a sure sign that I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel looking for something that will flirt with my imagination this evening. Work is becoming tedious, not because there isn’t enough to challenge me creatively, but because I work with people that fail to see potential, and only see solutions being possible from external consultants.

    It’s the same old thing about life, isn’t it? We can hear the same advice from a million people, but until we hear it from someone we’re willing to listen to, it will never hit home. That’s the frustration of what I do. The industry insists on following frameworks and methodologies, while I insist on taking a logical approach that allows an organic growth of skill in the organisation. But most fail to see that logic because they lack the real world experience to approach any problem without a text book in their hands. 

    I hate people who study theory for a hundred years and then pretend to know it all. All they know is what someone force-fed into their empty skulls. The day they can apply a fraction of what they learnt parrot-fashion is the day they stand a chance of making a meaningful contribution to good governance. Until then they’ll just tediously regurgitate buzz words and bullshit until they have a room full of morons nodding their heads in unison with a vacant stare and a pathetic smile that reveals the vacuous nature of the space between their ears. 

    The worst part of this post is that there’s probably no one on Tumblr that even knows what the hell I’m ranting about. Yet another frustration with choosing a career in an obscure field. 🙁