The balance of my life always fluctuates between function and dysfunction, but that there has always been a balance is undeniable. I’m often distracted by the potential outcomes of the dysfunction that presents itself that I exaggerate my responses under the pretence that I’m simply choosing to be decisive, when in fact I’m simply disguising my fear and frustration.
The longer I live, the more jaded I become because I’m prone to seek to protect myself. I grew up feeling exposed and fragile, so it seems that I may have over compensated for this in the development of my defences. The dysfunction that I experience leads to stress and morbidity, but I’ve mastered the art of presenting a composed disposition under circumstances that would scare the hell out of most. It works well for me, so I’m unlikely to consider any significant shift in my disposition any time soon. But I have this nagging feeling that it also excludes me from some of the joys of life that most take for granted.
There is much that others take for granted while I marvel at their abilities or experiences, yet they marvel at my apparent composure and seemingly level-headed approach to life. We’re all actors after all, but it’s only those of us that realise and accept this fact that are the most powerful in society. Sometimes I seek to impose my sense of balance on those around me. I do so with sincerity of intent to want to improve their quality of life, but I’m soon reminded that such an endeavour is steeped in arrogance. Arrogance in the belief that I am superior and that my challenges were more significant, and therefore, if my balance works for me, then surely it must work for lesser mortals, right?
This post seems to reflect the senseless ramblings of my soul quite accurately this morning.