My mind is a mess. Articulating even the most simple thoughts are proving to be a challenge. There’s a haziness in my thought processes that feels angst-y and unnatural. I hate almost every post I write these days and I feel like a superficial moron seeking attention more often than not. For the first time ever I had to remind myself that this is my blog and not a public bulletin board.
This is supposed to be my space to rant and rave and ramble without apology yet recently I’ve been addicted to affirmation. As is the case with affirmation, it’s rarely there when sought after. I despise this state of mind that tends towards attention-seeking behaviour while simultaneously feeling disgusted at the thought of writing for an audience. I feel agitated and irritated and unnatural in my space. I feel like something is amiss.
There’s a consistent dis-ease within me that is exacerbated the moment I step into the house after a light hearted day at the office. Writing this all down has required constant conscious effort to dismiss the thoughts of who would read what into what I’m saying. I cannot afford to care. If I do, it will add to the weight of self-imposed responsibility that claws at my conscience every waking hour in my quest to constantly consider the needs of others before my own. I tire me out and from that there appears to be no…repose.