Reflections

I’m 40 now. That’s supposed to mean something, isn’t it? Strangely though, it doesn’t. Nothing changed when I turned 40. Everything that was a struggle or a joy at 39, continues to be a struggle or a joy at 40. Seems I was right to despise birthdays then. All it does is raise unrealistic expectations about impending changes in your life, so that you’re prompted to look at others in order to measure your worth. Some would suggest that it’s an innocent but meaningful milestone. I would suggest that if you need a birthday to review your life, then you’re sadly distracted by what’s not important.

Wish I had something positive, passionately inspiring and uplifting to write about. A marble-hearted soul showed me the truth of my own insignificance in my little world recently. Just made my world that much smaller. This is not as cathartic as I need it to be. Probably because a few days ago I typed out a note to my dearest marble-heart acknowledging my insignificance, and resolved to read that same note every single day for as long as I need to, so that I never lose sight of that reality and dare to venture out in search of a life again.

I’ve got a publisher apparently interested in looking at more of my work, but I can barely string together a coherent post. My book has taken a back seat for almost a year now. In moments of disappointment and dejection I deleted some really good writing which I obviously regret. I’ve had the urge to delete the rest of it recently as well, including shutting down my blog, Facebook account, and Twitter account. Retract completely from the social scene, albeit a digital one, and become a digital hermit. But in the pursuit of my marble heart, I isolated myself from many around me for good reason as well.

I feel like a wasted 25 year old. Seems we all get distracted by bullshit during the course of life. Some more than others. Seems I’m incapable of writing a meaningful post tonight. Will probably delete it in the morning, but until then, and with a heavy heart at the thought of my recently lost beloved, I’ll throw in the towel for now. Peace. How I wish I had some…