We’re built to serve others. When we lose hope in being served by others, we withhold our service in protest until we convince ourselves that no one will take care of us so we must take care of ourselves. That’s when life becomes hollow because it pulls us away from our core need: To be of significance to others. If you find yourself in this space, consider changing who you surround yourself with, otherwise you feed the very cycle that robs you of peace.
My life’s calling has always prompted me towards this project. Throughout the years, despite my focus in my professional career having been in the information technology and management consulting arenas, I was always drawn to the human story behind good or poor performance. Unlocking potential in people who had a very limited view of what they were capable of has always proven more fulfilling than the highest paying roles that I’ve filled.
I walked away from a seven figure salary to pursue this dream of mine. The people around me thought I was crazy, and many still do, but I know what I’m passionate about. That is, empowering people to rise above the constraints of their upbringing! In a nutshell, that is my calling in life. To inspire and guide others towards embracing the enormous potential that they have within them.
My approach differs considerably from the norm, but having been doing this for no fee for many years now on a part time basis, I have proven that breaking the mold of traditional psychotherapy and life coaching, and finding a balance between the two is the most effective way to reinvent yourself. Some brief examples of unconventional successes that I have had over the years include:
My coaching approach is best described as a holistic approach. My first book titled The Egosystem dealt with the core of the human condition and how it shapes our lives. My second book will focus on practically applying those insights into your life so that you can find your balance and point of grounding to be successful, both in your personal and professional endeavours.
In the weeks to come, I will share more information about the service offering, rates, payment options, and the format that the coaching sessions will follow. My website will also be updated to allow for online booking of sessions, including real-time payment, and resources to make it more accessible for everyone. I will also be offering virtual coaching sessions so that it is accessible from anywhere in the world.
I almost forgot the anniversary of my protest. The day I chose me, my sanity, and my self-respect. It feels now like it was a sabbatical more than a new path. The enthusiasm with which I journeyed into my new reality hasn’t faded, but it has changed shapes and forms many times over the last year. Walking away from a well-paid job seemed foolhardy to almost everyone around me. Most considered it yet another impulsive decision, but almost no-one tried to understand it for what it was; the same way they chose to judge before understanding so many other decisions that I’ve taken over the years. I can’t hold it against them. Stepping into someone else’s reality is ever more daunting when our own reality already roots us to the spot with impossible-to-articulate fears.
I’ve learnt expensive lessons over the last year. Lessons that cost me financially, and reminded me of the nature of man. The world is so starved for hope that people quickly latch on to the promise of success without considering the commitment needed to see it through. Of these I have encountered many on my journey through life, but only fully experienced the desperation of such souls when faced up close and personal by their demons. Our demons subdue our conscience more often than the threat of poverty. Our demons threaten us with poverty to drive us towards despicable actions. I cannot count, and care not to count the number of people that drew strength from me in their darkness, but quickly disparaged me when they were reminded of their weakness after the sliver of light returned to their horizon.
The sad reality is that most of us settle for the dawn because we don’t believe we’re worthy of the sunrise. Feeling our way in the dark makes the reprieve of the early light appear as relief, or success. Fixated on the fear that the darkness may never recede, the first hints of light promise safety from that torturous space, so we bolt and brace ourselves to the miserable hope that it offers, hope that feels like sublime joy in the face of the darkness that we just experienced, too afraid to push on to the sunrise and the beginning of a new day. The new day remains a dream meant for greater spirits than ourselves, and the slivers of light arrest the fears of succumbing to the darkness again. Half a loaf of bread is not always better than none.
Wrenching myself away from people like that has been a difficult struggle and an unneeded distraction over the last year. Many sang my praises and celebrated me to the world in their moments of upliftment from the drudgery of their existence, but didn’t hesitate to shortchange me the moment the liberty returned to their tired souls. If trials prepare us for greatness, and the aid of the Almighty arrives when things seem most desperate, I have nothing to fear but settling for the dawn in the days ahead.
To settle for comfort and mediocrity when excellence appeared possible was never a choice I considered worthy of pursuit. I am reminded so often of the bitter expressions of darkened spirits that found my language to be flowery, and my ambition to be unrealistic. Recalling it now beckons the aftertaste of betrayal, but the overwhelming sense of sadness that I felt for them when I saw them lash out at the world because they allowed their social structures to define their worthlessness.
A year later, I still have a clear vision of what I wish to achieve, but I remain adrift in finding the correct course to take to achieve it. The pain and anguish of trying to reach beyond the confines of the environment that I am in makes the journey more onerous than it needs to be. Seeing what is wrong with your world and wanting to make it better only feels like a fulfilling endeavour when those who stand to benefit believe that there is something wrong as well. Complacency and fear combine to dull the vision of many. Sometimes it seems cruel to stir the sleeping dogs, yet at other times it feels obligatory if we hope to improve the state of this world before relinquishing our stake to the next generation.
Hope remains firmly footed, but enthusiasm is fading. Purpose continues to drive me to stretch myself beyond the confines of my current reality, but neither purpose nor vision pays the bills. Finding the balance is always a challenge, but not having the comfort of a predictable income makes it somewhat more distracting. Will I find the inspiration, the audience, and the sweet spot before my resources run out, or will I have to yield to the drudgery of capitalism and commoditise myself yet again to remain a functional member of a deranged society? If the last year was interesting, I doubt an adjective exists to fully describe what the year ahead holds for me.
That I have value to offer is not at all in question. I have tested this relentlessly over the years and confirmed it to be true. My challenge is to find a new audience, rather than the jaded ones that look for excellence as defined by the system of mediocrity that defines their lives. I am reminded of this quote:
I must learn to love the fool in me–the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool.
Theodore Isaac Rubin
That I am a fool to believe in more than life has proven to be possible thus far is unquestionable. But, like village idiots, fools are needed to bring hope to those that have given up on hope itself. The struggle continues…
Certainty is such a mirage. Predictability convinces me that I have stability, but when the disruption comes, I realise that I was simply taking comfort from probabilities. But that’s what life is about, isn’t it? The probability of everything. The probability of good fortune keeps us chasing and the probability of death stops us in our tracks. The present moment is invested in whatever we believe those probabilities to be.
Sometimes life is so curiously challenging that death looks like a welcome break from the norm. The consistency of struggles and the ease that follows. After each cycle, the struggle that follows the ease is what I preempt, and I lose sight of the ease when I have it. That’s how my tolerance and my tenacity wears down. What doesn’t kill you certainly makes you more brittle. I often feel the brittleness creeping in.
Clarity of thought has been elusive. Moments of inspiration and conviction form and then flee and then form and then flee. Is this what menopause must feel like for a woman? The tease of comfort followed by the taunt of its ugly sister?
I need to revisit my timeline from before seven years ago. That was the last time I wrote anything that continues to resonate with me now. There were a few isolated thoughts that I scribed in between, but nothing worth revisiting in the awkward silence before bedtime. The silence that flirts with the failures of the day and caresses the hopes of tomorrow.
There was a time when I thought in prose. The vivid nature of the imagery my words conjured in my mind before leaving my body used to offer me some respite from the madness of me. Now it simply echoes it. My echo chamber is empty. It doesn’t even taunt me with my own whispers any more.
I’m always on the brink of something amazing. Then I watch an enthralling movie and contemplate the genius of the mind behind the story while questioning the value of my ramblings in its shadow. I need to abandon the legend in my mind before my story will find its own path. I pause at intersections for too long these days. I used to choose a path the moment those intersections came into view, yet now that contemplation continues for much longer after my arrival at that point. Something is amiss and I suspect the answer lies in what is amiss. How do you find an answer that is hidden in the question?
Late night ramblings or early morning hopes carry the same burden of promise and anticipation. Its fulfilment lies in the fading tenacity and resilience of the rambler and thus appear like an iridescent mirage flirting with the horizon but never reaching out. Opportunity rarely reaches out. It most often sits in the shadows waiting expectantly while not revealing any clues of its willingness to be courted or wedded. It’s an obstinate grunt that shuns the smiles of my hope while grabbing my ankles as soon as I turn to walk away towards the next intersection.
This grid of madness grows more uncomfortable each day. Am I the village idiot? The one who has a place and a purpose, but never a captive audience, only a fleeting joy passed on to others while my own cup remains unfilled. Or is that the ingratitude that stifles my progress? The pretense of generosity of spirit that cloaks the need for celebration. I’m not alone in such pretences. I see you, clearer than you see me. But I see me reflected in you and I find it distasteful, that my recognition of your weakness is a reminder that I must know such weakness first to recognise it in you.
This city of solitude is quiet in all the wrong spaces, and rowdy where it matters least.
Sometimes the deepest breaths leave you gasping for air rather than filling you with hope.
Is it significance you feel when you are needed for material contribution, or is significance felt when the essence of you is known and appreciated?
Questioning life and finding its answers in love is only therapeutic if that love can be embraced and not just admired.
Admiration starts with being happy for others, and ends with growing tired of not finding that happiness for yourself.
Exhaustion sets in not when the challenge is too tough, but when the number of challenges far outweigh the joys.
Joy is fleeting if experienced in solitude.
Solitude holds a promise of peace only for as long as the need for companionship can be subdued.
Companionship is easier to take than it is to give.
A giving spirit may not always be a generous one; often it is just a needy one.
Neediness is as human as cruelty.
Cruelty is the absence of patience.
Patience is faith’s companion.
Faith prevails in science more than it does in religion.
Religion thrives on peer pressure, while faith remains grounded in conviction.
Conviction demands belief in the value of the outcome, and the outcome is meaningless without purpose.
Purpose is driven by a desire to give more than we take, but holds no attraction to the one not willing to give.
Giving of the self is only possible if there is respect for what the self holds.
Self respect is rare, making cruelty common.
Aspiring to be common holds the promise of acceptance.
Acceptance offers more comfort than principles.
Principles become the way points for your journey; hence the principled rarely being remembered when you reach your destination.
Destinations are often mirages when driven by whims and fancies.
Whims are not always fickle; they’re sometimes inspirational.
Inspiration dwindles without passion.
Passion is nurtured by the promise of significance.
Without significance, the will to live is dwarfed by the need to recede from the expectation of life.
If I do good, it will come back to me in unexpected ways. No. It won’t. The streets are full of homeless bodies and souls that have done good, but it wasn’t returned. Or are we suggesting that those that are in a bad state have done no good? This transactional view of life is becoming more popular each day, and it does nothing good for the one that holds this view.
We do good because we want others to experience less hardship than we did, not because we want to be repaid in some way with another good. Well, at least that is why we should be doing good. Not to earn a reward, but to reduce someone else’s pain or suffering, or simply to enrich their life. If enough people do this, inevitably it will lead to someone doing good for you as they seek to enrich your life out of sincerity, or they may wish to alleviate your burden because they know what it is like to be in a similar position when they may have had less. But that is something that we have no control over. The way that cycle of paying it forward plays out is entirely dependent on the generosity of every soul involved in that cycle. It is not business. It is not a tit-for-tat exchange of deeds. The moment it becomes an expectation of receiving something in return for what you do, you are transacting for gain. That is not charity, nor is it generosity. It is self-serving.
The selfish motivations that prompts us to give charity so that we can be seen as charitable, or doing good so that we can be seen as benevolent is nothing more than food for the ego, not for the soul. And it’s a poisonous meal as well. Eventually we will find ourselves measuring the value of people in our lives based on what they do for us, rather than how they enrich our lives. The sad part is that most don’t know the difference.
When someone enriches your life, they don’t necessarily contribute directly to your personal needs, but they make a meaningful contribution to how you experience your world. A simple example would be a spouse or family member that expresses love and appreciation for your children. That is not something that replaces your contribution to your children, but it is something that improves your child’s self-worth. That in turn improves the quality of life that you have with them. Although their act of kindness was not directed at you, it enriched your life, so you should not have reason to withhold kindness from them.
The irony is that the ones that perpetuate this myth about the universe returning the good that you do are the same ones that would typically believe that integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking. While that may be true about the definition of integrity, it loses its authenticity when we find reason to shout out to the world how much integrity we have.
One lesson that has served me well in life is that you should always be weary of someone that finds every gap to mention their own virtues. They are looking for validation, and people that require validation that badly almost always compromise principles and values to get it. Such people will not think twice about betraying your trust or confidence if it means getting that validation from others. Choose your company carefully.
It’s that time of the year when everyone is talking about resolutions for change in their lives, and many are judging me for not giving a damn about the fuss. Don’t click away yet. This is not a rant or a pity party. It’s a genuine attempt to offer you an alternate perspective on all of this.
It’s easy to assume that I’m jaded for not feeling festive in the festive season, or for not counting down the seconds to the new year. But I’m not jaded. In fact, I’d like to argue that people who do celebrate such token events are in fact the jaded ones. No, really, read on before dismissing this.
There are two ways of considering what it means to be jaded. The first and more common view is someone that finds little reason to celebrate life. The other view suggests that it is someone that sticks to routine from fear of facing the unknown. I’m neither. But most of you are either one or both. Here’s why.
Routine is not only a daily thing. It’s any cycle that is fixed. So when you plan your life around these fixed cycles, you lose spontaneity, and you lose creativity, both of which are core to living with passion. So when you wait for an occasion to present itself before you celebrate life, you’re in a routine. You wait for birthdays before making someone feel special, or you wait for new year’s day before declaring your desire to improve your life.
What if you didn’t wait. What if you didn’t live long enough for the next occasion that you were planning to celebrate? What then? The unexpected gift, to others or to yourself, is far more intriguing and appreciated than the gift planned for a year in advance. The sense of entitlement and the sense of disappointment that goes with a specific occasion when it is celebrated or forgotten respectively, undermines good relationships, and wastes a good life.
The fact that the majority of celebrated occasions are simply token dates marked on a calendar without any substance further confirms its superficial nature. Go out of your way to break the routine and show your sincerity in a deliberate act of appreciation or gratitude, and not one prompted by a calendar reminder, and see how much deeper your connection with people will be.
Celebrate because you have privileges and options that you take for granted every other day. Celebrate because you felt heartened by an unexpected gesture or a sense of good fortune. Celebrate because you have excess that you can share with others. If you’re reading this, then celebrate because you have more than probably 60% of the world’s population.
Waiting for someone to give you permission to celebrate the good in your life is no different to waiting for a specific date before acknowledging the gift of someone in your life. Be spontaneous. Be sincere. Just don’t be shallow and follow the herd.
Who’s jaded now?
When loyalty triumphs over justice, chaos triumphs over peace.
Peace is elusive when love for the self is preferred over love for others.
Love for others reflects a generous spirit, while hatred for others reflects an insecure soul.
Insecurity is founded in ingratitude.
Ingratitude breeds insincerity in the same way that stagnant water breeds mosquitoes.
Stagnation spawns insecurity in the same way that success spawns envy.
Envy is an attribute of an ungrateful heart, while appreciation is its opposing truth.
The heart left unrestrained knows no ethics, while the mind disconnected from the heart knows no compassion.
Compassion is practiced more by the broken than it is by the celebrated.
Being broken is celebrated by those that lack the courage for accountability.
Accountability is celebrated in others but spurned by the weak.
Weakness is only so if after exhausting all avenues and resources, we still cannot prevail.
The will to prevail is inspired by conviction in the value of the outcome.
Conviction is impossible without purpose, and purpose is impossible to achieve without taking responsibility for its outcome.
Responsibility is a burden only for those that don’t recognise the blessing of the capacity to give.
Giving with the expectation of receiving is not benevolent, it is business.
The business of transacting with emotional investments rarely yields sustainable returns.
The best currency for emotional investments is the act of paying it forward.
Paying it forward yields no personal returns if you are at the origin of that payment cycle.
Emotional investment cycles are self sustaining only if everyone involved subscribes to the same values.
Value is found in gratitude more than it is found in wallets.
Wealth holds no peace or comfort if not spent in the upliftment of others.
Upliftment of others is only possible by one who appreciates their blessings.
Appreciation for what you have offers more contentment than meditation or solitude ever will.
Solitude is sought by those disillusioned with the world.
Disillusionment dictates that all hope must be subdued.
Hope is fleeting when futility is courted.
Courting futility is a safe way to avoid ambition.
Ambition is lacking in one who sees no future.
Giving up on the future is only possible when we focus on disappointments and dismiss any reality that opposes it.
Dismissing the good because of the absence of a desired outcome reveals ingratitude more than it does disappointment.
Disappointment is tempered by gratitude, and gratitude is sustained by hope.
Expectations is the nemesis of hope because hope disarms entitlement.
Entitlement is the currency of an ungrateful soul.
