Category: Philosophy

  • Opportunistic Abdication

    Opportunistic Abdication

    It’s no secret that I have contentious views about the human psyche and what makes us behave the way that we do. That there are tons of differing opinions on the subject is also obviously clear, probably the majority of which either conflicts with, or directly contradicts my views. Many of those contradictory views are presented by individuals that are celebrated academics in fields of psychology and science. Their point of departure is typically one of biology, or scientific theory, and rarely acknowledges the existence of a seat of intelligence external to the physical form of the human condition. In other words, every scientific approach to trying to understand the human condition by implication of their lack of understanding of their own science, sets out on the prejudicial path of denouncing the existence of what all humans experience as the soul.

    The fact that the soul has been unfairly associated with a religious dogma about its purpose is a separate matter. But it is this same association that scientists (and I use that term loosely given how often it is proclaimed by anyone that undertakes research of an academic basis) have used to denounce its relevance. The failings of such an approach has always been quite obvious to me. If scientists were to lay claim to the existence of something that was so intricately woven into religious scripture, they would find themselves caught up in the web of deciphering religious doctrine, much of which has been distorted and fabricated over the millennia. However, their aversion to religion is exactly what undermines their theories regarding the human condition because it prevents them from considering the whole of who we are.

    Questions of morality and justice aside, blatant questions relating to infinite regression and the origin of all origins are quickly dismissed as pointless the moment the scientific community is challenged to provide either evidence of, or a reasonable explanation as to how everything we experience came into being. The moment something appears seemingly impossible to explain, it is dismissed as a fruitless endeavour and attention is immediately redirected towards that which they can apparently explain. The ludicrous theory of evolution being one such indulgence.

    When atrocities are carried out in the name of science, then there is no effort to associate those atrocities with the irreligious affiliations that influenced such atrocities. It is far more convenient to only pursue such associations of atrocities with religious subscription where there may be evidence of the same. In essence, it is this convenience that the scientific community indulges in that begins the erosion of their claim as authorities on the human condition. Selectively framing a theory is nothing but opportunism and an indulgence of the ego. But alas, the ego is something that everyone wants to recognise in others, but for which most prefer not to acknowledge within themselves.

    To separate the ego from the human condition is to firstly stigmatise it negatively, which is confirmation of human prejudice (ironically ego-driven prejudice), and secondly, it is indicative of a lack of understanding of the human psyche. The ego is a manifestation of what we experience as being the personification of our preferences to be a certain way. Everything from values, preferences, beliefs, and biases, to habits and perceptions, and more all combine to form what we experience as the ego. It is not separate from us, it is not an entity within us, it simply is who we are.

    A quick Google of the term revealed the following:

    ego
    /ˈiːɡəʊ,ˈɛːɡəʊ/
    noun
    a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.
    “he needed a boost to his ego”

    synonyms: self-esteem, self-importance, self-worth, self-respect, self-conceit, self-image, self-confidence; amour propre
    “he needed a boost to his ego”

    PSYCHOANALYSIS
    the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.

    PHILOSOPHY
    (in metaphysics) a conscious thinking subject.

    ‘A part of the mind’ is an interesting way to refer to it because the mind itself cannot be adequately defined. Another quick Google of the term ‘mind’ and it becomes plainly clear how anomalous these terms are when trying to lock it down as a scientific truth.

    mind
    /mʌɪnd/
    noun
    1.
    the element of a person that enables them to be aware of the world and their experiences, to think, and to feel; the faculty of consciousness and thought.
    “a lot of thoughts ran through my mind”

    synonyms: brain, intelligence, intellect, intellectual capabilities, mental capacity, brains, brainpower, wits, wit, powers of reasoning, powers of comprehension, powers of thought, understanding, reasoning, judgement, sense, mentality, perception;

    2.
    a person’s ability to think and reason; the intellect.
    “his keen mind”

    synonyms: brain, intelligence, intellect, intellectual capabilities, mental capacity, brains, brainpower, wits, wit, powers of reasoning, powers of comprehension, powers of thought, understanding, reasoning, judgement, sense, mentality, perception

    The point of this exercise is to confirm that the approach to defining or unpacking the human condition from a so-called scientific perspective is nothing but smoke and mirrors. Until scientists find the conviction to acknowledge what it is that defies their logic, they will never be able to grasp the true nature of the human condition because it will lay to waste much of their theoretical fallacies in this regard.

    To set aside the ego as being externally triggered and manipulated because of some evolutionary process is to abdicate responsibility for our ability to consciously choose right from wrong. What defines that right from wrong is again a result of our active subscription to a value system that we as human beings define for ourselves. The origins of those value systems will continue to be debated between detractors of all sides, until the day when it will eventually become self-evident. But my or your belief in whether or not that day will arrive should not taint our approach to unpacking the human condition in a way that reflects our true experience of it simply because it is an inconvenient truth.

    We constantly dismiss divine origins of our state because we cannot fathom the cruelty of a mind that would impose harm on others for no reason other than to feel powerful. As long as we limit ourselves to observing only those symptomatic outcomes of a downtrodden soul we will never be able to fully appreciate why such aspirational goals are sought after by those that were raised to either feel entitled to such authority over others, or were raised to feel the hardship of being subdued by those with such authority over them.

    The Egosystem is not independent of who we are, nor is it independent of every moment of our lives. It is simply the beauty of the human mind that is a manifestation of everything that we claim makes us human. Trying to limit that humanness to chemical imbalances, or evolutionary theory smacks of arrogant opportunism to wish away the very soul that sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. It is an ironical indulgence of the ego to wish away the ego as being something external to our ability to consciously choose based on personal subscription to a frame of reference that we individually believe will result in the harmony that everyone seeks in this lifetime.

    Abdication of accountability for our choices is exactly what results in the harm rather than the harmony that we impose on others, and in turn the same that they impose on us. The fact that we can always choose to reciprocate harm with harm, or instead break that cycle of destruction and instead reciprocate with good is further evidence of the fact that chemicals do not define who we are. Instead, we define our chemical state through conscious thought.

    The failing of academia is that it was established to further human intelligence, but instead has proven to be a distraction from the same by failing to recognise that the infinite beauty in the detail is what defines the magnanimity of the whole. Instead of stepping back and appreciating this splendour, we delve further into an isolated piece of study and try to claim authority and significance in that by hoping to reveal to the world our brilliance in finding the origin of origins, or the source of what plagues human kind. Humans plague human kind when they severe their ties with what bonds us all in kindness and mercy. The erosion of trust in society because of the pursuit of individualistic greed both materially and emotionally has led to the stench that we all now despise.

    The ecosystem of the world has been contaminated by the Egosystems of us. Yet we continue to search for answers everywhere but within our own souls. Abdication of accountability does not eradicate the disastrous consequences of our actions. It only defers the moment in which such accountability will be brought to bear on the collective until one of us chooses to act on behalf of all of us. Hopefully, when we reach that point, it will be as contagious as when we reached the point of self-indulgence being a priority, and community being a burden.

  • The Edge of Being Broken

    The Edge of Being Broken

    Life has a way of beating you down while lifting you up. It’s often a morbid combination of how we perceive the value we wish to add to the lives of others, versus how they perceive that value themselves. As much as we may strive to separate the two, it is impossible to do so. There is nothing that we do that is not influenced by how we want to fit into the world around us, even if just our perception of it.

    I’ve been told that my writing has lost its authenticity over the years because the brutal honesty of expression that once defined my thoughts that bled into my posts has been replaced by a subdued diplomacy that makes it more tolerable for others. Without realising it, that appears to have shaped my interactions in recent years as well. Being more tolerable. I’m often reminded of Plato’s words when he said, “No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth.”

    Truth is most often defined by how we view the world before it is defined by how the world views us. Whether the sky is black or blue is not a matter of truth. That’s simply a matter of fact relative to a construct of reality that is shared by all of us. How we experience that blue or black sky is what defines our truth compared to the truth of another. If I avoid the cold isolation of darkness and only come out during the day, the blue sky will always be welcoming and comforting to me. But if I loathe the light and prefer the shroud of darkness that hides the brutal nature of man, the blue sky will taunt me while the black sky will provide a place of repose. In both instances, my truth is defined by what I need from the world, and not by what the world needs from me.

    What is needed from me is a guessing game that has lasted my entire life without any sign of abatement anytime soon. At times I have chosen to actively contribute towards the lives of others, while at other times I’ve withdrawn from the fatigue of not having my contribution appreciated. At such times I despise our innate nature that demands significance so that we don’t feel inconsequential to those around us. To be consequential, or to make a difference determines the difference between a good night’s rest and insomnia. When we believe our contribution is appreciated we sleep like babies. Let our contribution be ridiculed or dismissed as futile, and sleep escapes us in favour of late night contemplations of how we arrived at such an unappreciated point in our lives.

    Karl Marx got it right when he said that last words are for fools that haven’t said enough. Foolishness sets in when we persist in trying to convince others of our truth when they’ve convinced themselves that we do not have something of value to offer them. Foolishness also sets in when we convince ourselves that our truth is relevant when we give others credit for a level of competence, gratitude, or integrity that they don’t have. That’s when we find ourselves passionately trying to convince others of the merits of our perspectives when they’ve already decided that we’re fools to begin with.

    Perhaps authenticity is lost when I project my experiences of the world as being a collective experience of humanity. The assumption that I am like others is often made to avoid the arrogance of assuming that I am different. Being different is only pleasant if that difference is celebrated by others. The moment it is celebrated by others, it implies that they aspire to the same levels of definition in their contribution to this world, which means that I’m not different to begin with. I’m just more successful at achieving that which others strive to achieve themselves. More importantly, my symptom of being the same is more reflective of my need for inclusion than it is of my need to recognise any uniqueness of offering.

    Last words are only needed when we’re not willing to let go of the perception that others may have of us. For this reason, the one that withdraws from a debate first is more likely to have recognised the limitations of their skills of persuasion or the limitations of their counterpart’s ability to grasp the point that is being made. Either way, it’s an acceptance of what is, rather than a persistent desire of what should be. When we stubbornly believe in achieving value that we know will benefit others, in spite of them not being willing recipients of that value, we define the basis for our struggle in life long before those around us reject our efforts to influence the quality of their lives.

    Reaching breaking point is a combination of investing more in the alleviation of the burdens of others, than what you invested in providing for your own needs first. Living selflessly dictates that you should strive to alleviate the burdens of others before you strive to acquire comforts for yourself. Walking that thin line reminds me of moments from my childhood when I walked on the railings surrounding the park outside our school, balancing precariously as I wobbled from side to side while trying not to fall off, until losing my foothold unexpectedly and landing with my legs apart and my jewels firmly smashed onto the railing itself. For all its glory and trinkets, life is pretty much as simple as walking on that railing. The thrill of striding confidently without slip entices us to keep getting back on the railing after it smashed our jewels for the umpteenth time. Until eventually, the memory of the pain of having smashed jewels between my legs replaces any desire to experience the glory of stepping on the rail to begin with.

    The edge of being broken is finding yourself in a space where you do not wish to participate in the morbidity of human engagement any longer, but are compelled by that same nature to trudge along the unwilling path because not doing so will result in the same demise that engagement threatens to offer. The edge of being broken is defined by being an unwilling participant of a system that defines your quality of life with or without your active participation in such a system. Respite is offered in the form of acceptance of your limitation to influence that system, while subduing your desire to prevail over it.

    What we define as our quality of life is often defined by the level of luxury that we’ve grown accustomed to in life. When we embrace the responsibility of providing the same level of comfort to those around us as our fulfilment of their rights over us, we find the edge of being broken in the realisation that the sacrifices that we may eventually be willing to make for our own levels of comfort will result in an imposition of hardship or discomfort on the same group that we are committed to serve. Their perception of our truth will rarely be aligned with ours, and so the strain of the system bears down when we aim to recalibrate our contribution towards the system while feeling compelled to maintain a level of contribution that appears to be unsustainable.

    We define the system by subscribing to the perspectives that we have of it. We hold on to those perspectives because they also define how we wish to be perceived by others. Ultimately we break ourselves, but in our broken state, we retract from the system that we established and choose to blame it for our demise, when in fact our demise was caused by our unwillingness to let go of the perspectives that chained us. Conviction is the bitch that nips at our heals when we’re trying to walk away from a life that appears to be serving others more than it appears to be serving us.

    [This thought process made a lot more sense in my head. Probably just another fatality of my contaminated perspectives.]

  • Mindfully Distracted

    Mindfully Distracted

    Mindfulness seems to be the next big binge for self help gurus. I don’t consider myself a self help guru by any stretch of the imagination. However, this does not prevent me from being critical about those that claim to guide others towards self improvement when in fact their guidance merely encourages distractions, or coping mechanisms instead. In its most basic form, mindfulness can be described as the ability to observe while suspending judgement or bias. In other words, don’t jump to conclusions just because what you’re observing or witnessing appears to be a familiar sight relative to a previous experience.

    The easy bit of advice would therefore be to suspend judgement and bias. Do that, and suddenly you’re mindful. Right? No. Not so easy. Judgement and bias are innate qualities that guide us through life. Even if we try to be non-judgmental about something, we need a frame of reference as to what being judgemental would be. Once we have that frame of reference, we then consciously choose to subdue parts of it in favour of exploring the possibility that something may be different about what we’re witnessing in that moment. The parts we don’t subdue are the limits of boundaries that we define for what is acceptable in that circumstance. In other words, we encounter a moment of willingness to be informed of something we didn’t previously consider while recognising that some things remain non-negotiable. Take that to the extreme, and it means that we acknowledge that there is a possibility that we may not be fully aware of the circumstances and nuances of what we’re experiencing. This forces us to be more alert and more adaptable because we realise that the outcome is potentially unpredictable, but not necessarily a threat to us.

    However, if we recognise that we may not be fully aware of the circumstances and nuances but have a greater desire to appear to be authoritative or in control, we’re more likely to grow aggressive, defensive, or simply obnoxious about how we deal with the situation at hand, often undermining the rights and feelings of others in the process. This response is grounded in insecurity about how we see ourselves, versus how we want others to perceive us. Unfortunately some people are so entrenched in their beliefs about themselves, that considering that they may be wrong about something completely disrupts their composure, which makes them aggressive, passive aggressive, or evasive. At the root of it all is a desire to be significant in that moment.

    When we desire significance, we adapt our approach towards that which we believe would encourage acceptance and admiration from those we’re interacting with. If we believe we are capable of winning such admiration and respect, our confidence grows and we become more bold and charming in our presentation of our views or the delivery of our message. However, if we doubt our ability to be convincing in that regard, we feel threatened because a show of incompetence may lead to an erosion of significance. If the audience we’re with could meaningfully influence the quality of our life, we’ll restrain the aggression and put more effort into appearing amenable to alternate perspectives. Stated differently, we try not to be offensive in our response because we believe that their acceptance of us is core to our wellbeing. This induces stress which then demands an outlet if not handled well.

    Take the above scenario and change the audience to one that we do not view as being influential on our quality of life, and suddenly our response is very different. Instead of restraining ourselves, we speak our minds, go on the attack to demand significance, and disregard any concerns about how they may view us. Incidentally, we do the same with those that we believe are less likely or unable to reject us if we behave in such an abrasive manner. That could be because of our belief in how reliant they are on us, and therefore would be forced to agree with us. This similar to those times that we felt compelled to be amenable with those characters that we didn’t agree with, but who had authority over us that could significantly affect our quality of life. For example, a boss that could fire us if we spoke openly about what we didn’t like about our job or how they were running things. Of course, sometimes we behave abrasively because the subconscious boundaries that we set for ourselves are being breached.

    But how does all of this tie into mindfulness? Each time we get a sense of dread or elation, we’re automatically distracted by the assumption we hold of the probability of the outcome, be it negative or positive. Whether we’re proven right or wrong, in that moment, we lose mindfulness and instead assume a disposition relative to a preempted outcome. It’s for this same reason that we sometimes get hit from out of the blue when something is going so well, but without warning, turns sour. At other times, something that we expect to turn out badly goes really well. In both instances, the hints at how things are going may be so subtle that unless we’re open to observing them, they’re easily missed.

    The reality is, we’re human. Our emotional make up is more complex than we could possibly imagine which is why we’re each so unique, even when we try to mimic others. There is always something that sets us apart, sometimes in ways that we like, but often in ways that we don’t. Hence the masses that incline towards fandom rather than defining their own unique path.

    The trick therefore is to find the balance between being mindful to the point of being mechanical, versus being emotionally responsive to the point of being irrational. When we recognise and accept our humanness, we’ll be less inclined towards feeling threatened and instead, we’ll find it easier to be accepting of the humanness of others. Developing a habit of reining ourselves in during those moments of dread or elation will allow us to savour the good moments and learn from the bad, without feeling whimsical or threatened in the process.

    In between all that a creative outlet is needed to allow for the freedom of expression that does not restrain us relative to the views or expectations of others, because if you look back at all you’ve just read, you’ll realise that everything is about how we are perceived or how we want to be perceived by others. That’s why it gets complicated. That’s why we search for soul mates and kindred spirits. Without them, we find ourselves slowly depleting our energy reserves without getting that boost of inspiration because we have a lack of safe spaces for free expression that defines us based on our convictions and desires, rather than on what we believe we are expected to do for others.

    Meditation or prayer is what gives us retrospective pause to realise where on that treadmill of life we find ourselves. Mindfulness is what reduces our need for such deliberate reflection. And sometimes, without realising it, we become distracted in our efforts to be mindful, while allowing moments of excitement, joy, or exasperation to escape us because we are too busy observing the individual components that make up that wholesome experience.

    Welcome to the pit of quick sand we often refer to as the human condition.

  • The Sound of Inevitability 

    The Sound of Inevitability 

    One of my favourite movie scenes is the one in The Matrix where the agent holds down Neo’s head as he has him pinned down to the railway tracks. With the sound of an oncoming train rumbling in the distance, the agent pulls Neo’s head up and says in the coldest, driest, and most deliberate tone, “Hear that Mr Anderson? That’s the sound of inevitability.” The rest is history. But that sound of inevitability always resonates with me.

    The endless jokes about the light at the end of the tunnel need no retelling. It’s not the light that is important, but rather the inevitable nature of the passing of every trial or tribulation that weighs us down. Too often we’re so distracted about the light and whether it is good or bad, that we forget to step out of the way if it’s bad, or embrace it if it’s good. Most end up just feeling overwhelmed, while others entirely miss the opportunity that presented itself because of the fears associated with the assumptions that they made before it even happened. A rare few embrace the light and work it to their advantage.

    That’s the obvious part. The not so obvious part is when we define what we believe is inevitable or needed. I’ve noticed in my own life how many times I’ve set out focusing on establishing some means to an end. That means, be it a car or a house, or some other tool intended for a specific purpose, usually had a huge effort associated with its acquisition. Let’s stick with the house for this example.

    It started out as a need to have a place of my own if I wished to get married and start my own family. Like everything in this world, everything needs maintenance, and so the cycles of maintenance started not long after I moved in. Along with the maintenance my creative side kicked in because I needed to at least get something out of the burden of maintaining the place, and suddenly maintenance turned into a renovation. Then the ego kicked in and soon the space was just too small to achieve what I wanted to achieve. Suddenly I couldn’t entertain as many people as I wanted, nor could I get a quiet space to contemplate the next renovation or upgrade to the house, or to just forget about the house and all its demands. In between, the marriage was neglected and the upkeep of the home became the pivotal point of the relationship. Making ends meet became the focus, and suddenly the tool that was intended to enhance our lives and create a space for us to grow together became a shared burden instead, and created a tension that eventually eroded the very foundation that the house was built on.

    This is one simple and often relatable cycle that we go through. The inevitability of the outcome was entirely defined by our actions and decisions, or more accurately, our shifting priorities as we placed material gains ahead of what was initially important. None of that mattered though, because the moment it became contentious, it was no longer about finding a path back to what our starting point was, but instead it became a struggle for significance. Whose needs were taken care of and who was making more compromises. That’s all that mattered.

    Stepping back and taking stock requires more than just an arrest of the ego. It requires a desire to return to a point of sincerity and authenticity in our lives when we were filled with hope about the future, after finding ourselves filled with a longing for the past instead. Arresting the ego becomes easier if we believe that what we stand to gain is more valuable than having to swallow our pride. Swallowing our pride only becomes palatable if we recognise one or both of the following. Holding on to it will turn us into someone that we do not wish to become, because our self worth is more important than the value that others place on us. Or, swallowing our pride holds little risk of ridicule or reminders amongst those that we hold with significance in our hearts.

    While the former is substantially more difficult to achieve because it requires a level of self knowledge and mindfulness that escapes most of us, it is the shortest path to retaining some level of sanity in our lives. The latter, however, as wholesome and embracing as it sounds, means that an important part of who we are is still shaped by how we are accepted by others.

    Not realising the difference or the gravity of either will result in much stress and strife, as we find ourselves hamstrung between what we want for ourselves, versus what others want from us. And that’s an important distinction. Realising that even though others indicate that they want the best for us, their perspectives are often tainted by what their association with us means for them. This realisation has caused me to pause and reflect more than any other realisation in a very long time. Not only does it provide insights into my responses to the expectations of others, but more importantly it provides key insights into my expectations of those around me, including my daughters.

    Inevitability is often a cacophony of silent screams that we feel, but rarely hear. It’s only in the most quiet moments of reflection that it dares to surface and whisper a chilling note that shakes us from our deluded or distracted state, so that we might have yet another chance to course-correct as we trundle down the tracks leading into that tunnel with the inviting bright lights. Inevitability is only guaranteed in one single outcome, that is the final end of your current life. Everything else only remains inevitable as long as we choose to remain stagnant when we should be taking action instead.

  • Finding Balance (Part 2)

    I need to step back from my life in order to regain an objective view (if that’s possible) of whether or not I am investing my time, energy, and resources as effectively as possible. Recently I’ve been contemplating how easily distracting it is to be coping well while losing sight of the fact that in coping we end up reacting, rather than owning.

    Life happens based on what we perceive as being a priority. As we invest in those priorities, be they people or material outcomes, they increase or decrease in value for us. When we find ourselves enjoying success in any of them, we invest more. If we find a sense of fulfilment or joy in them, we invest more. Eventually, we focus on the success and the outcomes and how that makes us feel, while forgetting to question whether or not the investment is still in line with our original purpose for making the investment. In other words, we end up investing in our ego as the priority, with the original objective becoming a secondary concern.

    It’s this cycle that I’m weary of. I pause for brief moments at times, and sometimes I’m caused to pause by health or other events, and in that brief moment I notice how little of my life is firmly in hand. Not from a controlling perspective, but from a deliberate investment perspective. How much of what I do am I doing because it is what I intended or needed to do, versus how much of it is purely because I am responding out of obligation or habit?

    Part of the challenge of surrounding yourself with people that either don’t know you as well as they need to (often through no fault of their own but because of how inaccessible certain parts of us are) is that we have less sources of objective but meaningful criticism. This is exacerbated when we find ourselves surrounded by those that are at a life stage that we may have passed, or because they respect or admire us so much that they see no fault. When this becomes the make up of our social circles, be it significant others or professional acquaintances, we risk becoming heroes in our own minds.

    The balance that eludes me is that despite being significantly productive by average standards, I am nagged with thoughts that I am not achieving nearly as much as I am capable of doing. The clutter, the noise, the distractions, and even the productive moments are so loosely strung together that the thread is almost invisible. Gaining visibility of that thread that pulls it all together will allow me to determine if its my own thread, or am I just a bead on someone else’s necklace? [That’s a weird analogy but I’m going to leave it there for now].

    I need my own string of pearls. Costume jewellery (or junk jewellery as I prefer to call it) is far too easy to acquire and model into designs that are sparkly in appearance but lacking in true value. I need to ensure that the design of my life is in line with my understanding of the higher purpose that I profess to serve. Living responsively pacifies the yearning for movement in life, but it does little for the need for purpose. It’s for this reason that we sometimes find ourselves swamped with responsibility and inclusion, with no shortage of social contribution or familial relations, yet feel empty or unfulfilled.

    More than being appreciated, I think we each have a deeper desire for leaving a legacy. That legacy is not materialistic in nature. Materialism satisfies the ego, not the spirit. The legacy has to testify to the improvement of the quality of life of others, or else our existence remains a commodity, or entirely inconsequential. Being inconsequential tears away at souls more often than we realise. It comes disguised as lacking in influence, or waiting for love, or even hoping for specific outcomes that are beyond our realistic reach. When our will to acquire that which remains elusive eventually fades, that’s when the feelings of being inconsequential set in; followed promptly by depression, self-loathing, lack of motivation, and often self-harm (not always with a blade either).

    To avoid these pitfalls, I need to take time to step back, to observe and to account for the way in which my life is being expended. I see it as a traditional scale with the weight of my contribution to others on one side, and my extraction of benefit or personal gain on the other. The former must always be heavier, but never so heavy that it bottoms out. If it bottoms out, it means that I have failed to show due appreciation for myself, and for the abilities I have to contribute towards others. It means that I’ve become a martyr rather than a champion, or a pawn rather than a participant. And if the latter is weighed down, it means that I have become self-indulgent, quite possibly seeing others with contempt, ungrateful for what I have or receive, and a liability rather than an asset to society.

    The quiet moments are needed for this to re-form to a shape that is wholesome and beneficial without detracting from the reality of my life. The outcome cannot be a dreamy one. It cannot be so superficial or esoteric that it offers little to no tangible value to those around me, or me. Instead, it must be substantial enough to encourage a recalibration of those areas of my life that are excessive in nature, or investment. It must provide a semblance of solace, and a tone that harmonises, without detracting from the responsibility that I have to act under circumstances that are not of my choosing nor of my preference.

    Finding that balance, in many ways, embellishes the purpose of life. In fact, without it, there can be no purpose worth pursuing.

  • Reset

    I find that dealing with betrayal or abandonment of trust is very different now compared to a few years ago. My efforts to live mindfully have been beneficial. What previously would have resulted in a derailment of my train of thought, or my focus, now simply nudges me slightly from time to time when I consider the fickleness of relationships that have always been one-sided. The awkward silences, the abhorrent attempts at arrogance to feign confidence, the pretense of composure. It all seems so superficially desperate to prove that the betrayal was not in fact betrayal, but instead it was a statement. A statement of futility in the hope that the world will be convinced while those that peer too closely can be dismissed.

    There is a part of the old me that wants to extend myself yet again to smooth ripples before they become waves. But I like the waves. I like the disruption and the provocation that drives people to follow through on that fakeness until they’re faced with the cold reality of who they are and what they’ve abandoned about themselves. I like the side of me that feels no need to apologise or appease. It’s the rebel of my youth that I have not abandoned, yet. But I’ve come close, far too close too often in recent times.

    The toxic appeal of acceptance easily distracts us from who we are, or what purpose we may have been pursuing in life. Sometimes we start out making a statement, a sincere one, that we wish others would hear and embrace. In the process we become bold, filled with conviction and obstinacy refusing to give way to the drivel that drives us down the path of main stream acceptance. And then, somewhat unexpectedly, we find that our ideas, or our passions start gaining acceptance. Distracted by this sudden triumph of spirit, the emotions of the masses sweep us off our path and deliver us in the midst of the madding crowd. The crowd that forms symbiotic relationships of mutual delusion. The greater the acceptance, the more reassured we are that what we always fought for must be real, or must finally be embraced.

    So we slow down to breathe. We take a moment to pause and reflect on the days when the struggle was real, the isolation intense, and the path lonely. We hold  a quiet internal celebration believing that we’ve finally arrived, convinced that the crowd is true validation, and the embrace is an accepting embrace. Emboldened by these moments of validation, the spirit surges once again. The greater calling beckons, and in the belief that we are no longer isolated but are now seen as a source of inspiration, we take bold steps to lead that crowd to the next mound. It’s just a mound relative to the multitude of mountains that still await us. But that mound is better than the mirages of the past. The mirages that taunted us each time someone had a faint sparkle in their eye that hinted at some enthusiasm to hear our thoughts, only to discover that it was politeness disguised as conviction.

    So we step up to that mound, glowing with hope that finally the cesspool we’ve despised for so long will finally be cleansed. Finally, the beauty of the mind we caressed for all those years will be appreciated for the wisdom it has nurtured, and the masses will follow. And as we find our footing on that mound we stop to look around. The sight is a familiar one, it’s just the vantage point that is different. The crowd receded, the politeness ceased, and there we are. No, there I am, standing on the mound realising that the crowd I courted was not the crowd I courted. They represented a hint of what I yearned to engage with, and in the absence of nothing more, anything less would have had to do. And so I settled without noticing that I settled.

    The euphoria was temporary, and so was the triumph. But the spirit, the resilient rebel remained intact, ready to push forward with a renewed sense of self, because it’s only in abandonment that we are forced to question the relevance of our convictions or efforts. If done sincerely, we either re-find our grounding points, or establish new ones. If done superficially, we set ourselves adrift in a sea that will forever remain foreign.

    Each time I tasted betrayal in my life, I found myself renewed as if emerging from a birthing process. A process that smelted away the tainted cloth that covered me to that point so that I could dress myself in a new garment of endearment for a path that I have yet to fully set out on. But each time I set out, I find myself closer to the moment that I yearn for. That moment when I may find a true sense of purpose or contribution. Contribution of good from a life that was lacking of the same.

    Reset. No matter how many times it is required, it will never be too much. When the path is not the one that I set out to tread, I must reset. Restart. Recalibrate. Without such reflection and correction, I risk arriving at a destination that is not my own, nor of my yearning. Reset. Each time, with more wisdom than before, and therefore hopeful that my next attempt will be more informed, and as always, most importantly, more purposeful.

  • On Sin for the Sinless

    We’re experiencing a drought in South Africa at the moment. In some areas it is the worst they’ve had it in 30 years. One town even reported their tap water turning salty because the river mouth has dried up, causing the seawater to seep in. In response to this drought there have been calls from all political and religious persuasions to use water sparingly and support each other where possible, especially in the worse hit areas.

    The Muslim community responded as well and scheduled a special congregational prayer for rain to be held tomorrow morning. It is no different to the manner of praying for any other prayer time, but the intent and purpose is distinctly different. As Muslims, we believe that such conditions as drought befall us because of the general level of sin in our communities. Now before you dismiss this as religious hogwash, consider my perspective first.

    The subscription to the notion of sinning is not necessarily constrained to religion either, and most certainly not limited to Muslims. So set aside the stigma and think of it as an imbalance in life, and by extension, society. We always think of sins in a transactional way. We assume that the sin itself is what brings the negative recompense, but generally fail to consider the broader context of the environment that sustains such sins.  When we indulge excessively, either in good or bad, we tend towards extremism. Such extremism leads to imbalance, which is typically manifested in unnatural conditions that befall us. Extremism, again setting stigmas aside, is when we party more than we reflect, consume more than we contribute, or destroy more than we create. Within this context, I believe, the true nature of sinning is revealed.

    Droughts are caused by imbalances in the environment. Destroy the natural balance of an ecosystem and the results will mean the destruction of the ecosystem. Remove the trees that are the lungs of the earth and the earth will cease to breathe. Simple, yet so difficult for most to grasp. More importantly, relative to the point I wish to make, the reasons for this imbalance is what drives us to do the stupid things that we do like destroying balance in favour of imbalance. We party hard because we need to escape, or we need to feel included. The destruction it causes internally, and often to those around us as well, is ignored because we’re distracted by the gratification we feel from the ability to escape or the void that is filled when we feel included.

    Trees that are not appreciated for their contribution is quickly consumed as a trivial resource because it holds the promise of wealth. Re-purposing the fertile land to hold a shopping mall or block of apartments that will yield premium returns on our investment quickly dwarfs the need for reason around why the trees should be respected. The excess we indulge in for purposes of wealth creation distracts us from the balance we are responsible for maintaining. Chasing these trinkets leads to excesses, usually sinful in nature, because it goes with the territory. In other words, the sin is just the symptom of a sick society, it is not what makes society sick.

    What I am struggling to articulate is that when we hear religious leaders talk about our sins being the reason for the natural disasters we see around us, we automatically assume that it is a specific and deliberate response from God to smite us for our actions, when in fact it’s merely a natural consequence to the imbalance we created. This is just one example of this cycle. Far too often we find ourselves seeking answers in symptoms forgetting to reflect on the causes that landed us in the unfortunate situation to begin with.

    The sinless are those that are faultless. They’re the ones that believe that everything untoward that happens to them is not deserved. They believe that the occurrence of misfortune must be imposed and can never be a cause of their own doing. The sinless are the naive, the ingrates, the distracted ones. Those that are not naive, ungrateful, or distracted know that there are no sinless beings around. We all make mistakes. Just because the mistakes are not intended (they wouldn’t be mistakes if they were) doesn’t mean that we’re suddenly immune to the consequences. It’s like accidentally killing someone and then saying I didn’t mean to kill them hoping that that would miraculously undo the destruction that your action caused in the first place.

    The state of being sinless exists only in our own minds when we’re in denial. When we stop associating it with religion and punishment, we’ll start seeing it for what it is. It’s a harm we perpetrate against ourselves first, before anyone else. The excess, while being directly harmful to others around us, started eroding the good within us long before we acted on it. The collective imbalance of society is bound to result in an outcome that is larger than the sum of the contribution of each of us. It’s like a snowball effect. One plus one does not equal two in this case, because it often accelerates as a factor of the contribution and not just a reciprocation in equal parts.

    The lesson, for me, is simple. Stop harming myself, before I can stop harming others. Stop blaming others for the harm that I impose on myself. The rest will find its own balance. The difficulty in stopping the harm is not due to an inability to stop. It’s due to the unwillingness to give up the gratification that the excess offers us. The less likely we are to give it up in favour of more sustainable means of fulfilment, the more likely we are to reach the tipping point on a global scale. Say hello to climate change.

    [I’m too lazy to fully complete this thought process right now]

  • The Egosystem

    Egosystem (n) – A complex set of defenses designed to stave off criticism or intelligent conversation with the aim of retaining our preferred status quo. In the corporate world, often presented as a plausible excuse to resist change and establish empires.

    It’s the same egosystem that causes us to grow defensive in the face of opposition, where we feel persecuted if our opinion is not accepted. The irony is that we employ such defense mechanisms with the aim of protecting ourselves from a perceived threat, when in fact that defense is what harms us most.

    Exhausting is the effort it takes to wear down such defenses so that a whole life can be lived. Exhausting for both the whistle blower and the victim. We’re often so focused on defending ourselves from being the perceived victims of circumstances and others around us that we fail to protect ourselves from becoming victims of ourselves.

    In a world that is engineered to create victims in order to create new capitalist markets, the corrosive mindset that it spawns quickly sets the tone for how we perceive our worth relative to the world around us. I used to think that I interacted with various ecosystems as I worked my way through life, or simply through an average day, but the longer I live, the more I realise that it is the egosystems that drive the events around me rather than any ecosystem I previously perceived.

    When I fail to recognise those egosystems, I inevitably get drawn into it and find myself trying to defend my contribution in a space that is already contaminated by the egos of others. There is no value that can be demonstrated in such a setting. You either play to the egos that you’re surrounded with, or you disrupt. When you play to it, you become the disrupted and inevitably find yourself toeing the line to a tune you didn’t choose. But it offers inclusion and feigned acceptance, which is comforting at a superficial level. But because most of us live superficially, we willingly subscribe to such a toxic social setting. Not always limited to our social circles though, and in fact, more prone to exist in our professional circles where almost everything becomes a measuring contest.

    However, when I do become aware of the egosystem that putrefies the air around me, my instinctive response is to disrupt. It’s that long held belief of mine that the arrogant must be treated with arrogance, which has served my sanity well, but my bank account and social circles have suffered as a result. Hypocrisy seeps to the surface when I find myself restraining myself in the face of such isolation or disruption because I lack the will to trudge through the mire that often follows such conviction. But I placate myself by believing that similar to arrogance, hypocrites deserve a dose of hypocrisy. Do I then willingly contribute to the cesspool that I despise? Probably. But I find it acceptable as a response to those that refused to respond to the wholesome goodness of my ego, and therefore deserve a taste of my alter-ego instead.

    One of the most scary thoughts for me has always been the knowledge that if I had to embrace the vile behaviours of those around me with the same vigour and conviction as I do my current set of principles, I would be devastatingly effective at politics. Yes, I know, that must sound so arrogant, but that is exactly the point I am making. Being arrogant does not require conviction in principles. It simply requires an indulgent mind bent on self-enrichment and consumerism. Pretty much the ingredients needed to sustain a destructive egosystem.

    We’re all capable of being assholes, so a successful asshole is not one that should be celebrated because there are too many principled fools that fell as a result of their manipulations. But principled fools don’t seem to garner much respect either because they appear naïve and foolhardy in their convictions, so it is of little surprise that there is not much respect in this world, let alone respect for the world we live in. The ecosystem of earth is being contaminated by the egosystem of us, but we seem to be looking for answers everywhere but at home.