Feels like I’ve lost my way in life. The certainty of purpose and conviction that I always relied upon when faced with uncertainty has faded. I look around me and see no reason to be a part of anything or anyone’s lives. I’m the sore thumb, the square peg for the round hole, the ugly duckling…no place feels like home, and through it all I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve become the ingrate that I’ve always despised in others.
There’s opportunities presenting themselves almost daily for me to shake off the past and move forward again, like I’ve done so many times before. Only, I don’t want to. I don’t trust myself enough to commit to anything or anyone. Commitment in the most superficial context is also too daunting. I’m afraid to raise my expectations about anything that isn’t immediately apparent, unless it’s entirely inanimate in nature.
I don’t trust anyone. And I don’t want to either. My impulsiveness and naive determination to do everything in full measures or not at all has damaged me. I’m damaged. And I’m done…but death is being selfish, and peace is a pipe dream. There’s a turmoil in my chest that leaves me unsettled and…lost.
I keep picturing a quiet spot, light golden brown sand, tanned golden gates, isolated and remote, not located more than a few hand spans from the gates leading into heaven. And I have no inclination to want to proceed beyond that point. There’s expectations beyond that, expectations I can’t even bear to contemplate. So I yearn just for that little corner, without anything, without any needs, without any desires to be fulfilled…to just be left in peace, untouched and untroubled…that’s all I want from heaven. Nothing else.