One thing that never seems to cease in life, well my life anyway, is my inability to prove my capability independent of the snide remarks of those around me. There’s more often than not someone ready to tell me why what I’m doing will not work or why I should be cautious, but never someone to just smile and believe in my ability to do something worthwhile in my life. Despite my failures or shortcomings, I’ve created a space for myself that is noteworthy to many, in spite of the lack of support or encouragement in anything beyond what directly affected those around me that needed something from me.
My personal endeavours have always remained my personal endeavours, not for lack of sharing my ideas, ideals or aspirations, but simply because no one gave a damn to want to do anything more than what was absolutely the minimum requirement for their input without showing any inclination towards the final outcome, unless that final outcome benefited them. And so I continue in my struggle, but only with a different focus now. What used to be a struggle to earn the recognition or affirmation of those around me has now changed to be a struggle to achieve what my heart desires regardless of the opinions or views of others.
I’ve finally accepted that I am different, and not in a narcissistic way, nor in a smug or arrogant way. But realistically and practically I am different from most around me. I desire different things as priorities in my life, I would rather be alone than be surrounded by insincere people, and I would rather stick out like a sore thumb than conform in the hope of obtaining approval from the insincere. And so I forge ahead without expecting a support structure to lean on, nor do I expect affirmation or encouragement from anyone, except to achieve a state that reassures me that I have created the best space possible for my daughters, and for myself, in spite of the challenges that have been dealt to me in life.
I will not ask ‘Why me?’ but instead will proclaim ‘Why not!?”. Self pity is usually self-loathing in disguise, so I’ll be damned the day I feel pity for myself when in fact I have so much yet to offer, if not to those around me, then strangers who may never know me, but will hopefully benefit from my existence in a way only the Almighty will know how. And that is my saving grace in an ungracious world.