Tag: relationships

  • The nuance of a good life

    The nuance of a good life

    It’s not the blatant acts of disrespect or rejection that hurt us the most, it’s the subtle gestures that leave room for doubt or interpretation that leave deep scars.

    Nuance thrives in those subtle gestures because nuance is what allows us to avoid conflict, or resist commitment. It allows us a graceful exit for just-in-case so that we can claim that we didn’t mean it that way, or that they misunderstood.

    Nuance is the art of saying more than you’re willing to say without actually saying it. Like the subtle brush of your hand against your partner in company when a full-blown embrace or heavy patting may be frowned upon. Or perhaps when you smile a half smile and don’t return the kiss to avoid an argument.

    Nuance allows us to test boundaries, and to test our significance in someone else’s life. We throw subtle hints about what we want, but won’t speak out openly about it because we don’t want to create reason for doubt within ourselves about whether they responded out of obligation, or because they sincerely wanted to make us happy.

    Nuance allows us to see if someone is ready to accept what we want to offer, without actually offering it, so that we protect ourselves from a hurtful rejection.

    There are parts of who we are that we’ve embraced so fiercely that no amount of ridicule will ever shame us about it. But there are parts of ourselves that we hide because we want to only give that one special person the power to handle it. It defines the sanctity of who we are, and solemnises the trust that we wish to place in them.

    It’s a vulnerability that we embrace and cherish because in its handling lies the essence of the bond that we wish to share with that special one.

    It’s the expectation willingly courted that holds the joy of fulfilment if fulfilled, or destroys hope if left hopelessly ignored.

    Once spoken, doubt is subdued and expectation justified.

    The unspoken word has destroyed more hope and created more angst than any revelation of love, or its denial.

    If left unspoken, it remains a torture within, without any claim to relief from the one in whose hands your joy rests, waiting to be roused into being.

    Perhaps it is in our efforts to protect ourselves or others through withholding what we don’t wish to impose on them that we destroy the very joy that we hope they will find without us, or us without them.

  • The single parent challenge

    The single parent challenge

    This is a burning issue. I won’t be surprised if we have more single-parent homes than we have two-parent homes these days. In fact, even many two-parent homes are run like a single-parent home because one of the partners are either uninterested, emotionally unavailable, or simply a delinquent child themselves. The crisis is much worse than any social media rants might suggest from struggling single parents.

    So, I wonder, what are the real difficulties with single parenting? It’s not only the obvious stuff, like having to carry the load for two people, or having to struggle with a split personality of being both good cop and bad cop. It’s much worse than that. As a single parent myself, I can identify with this struggle very deeply. Here’s a brief list of some of the more prominent themes that single parents must deal with on a daily basis.

    The passive toxic parent influence

    The one that shows up to raise the kids is the one that also has to deal with the influence of the absent parent. But, don’t assume that the influence that I’m referring to is only there if that parent has access to the child. No. In fact, I would argue that it can sometimes be worse when they have no access because then it’s double-jeopardy.

    Not only do you have to deal with the anger and feelings of abandonment of the child, but you also have to deal with the imaginings of the child in their efforts to try to behave in a way that they think their absent parent might notice them. Add to this the already burdensome effort of holding it together for two parents by yourself, and it’s more like triple-jeopardy.

    Finding a balance between limiting the negative influence of the ex, and allowing your child to discover the truth about them through time spent with them, can sometimes save your sanity. If you don’t have a support structure to ease this balance, proceed with great caution, and even greater mindfulness.

    The blame game

    Another common theme that single parents have to deal with are the outbursts of blame from their children which only get worse during their teen years. That blame is impossible to lay at the feet of someone that isn’t around, leaving the only available target being the parent that is actively involved in raising their child.

    To be blamed for their other parent not being around, or for not having a normal family like other kids is par for the course in a single parent home. Hearing accusations from their child about feeling unappreciated because if so-and-so was there, they would probably have more time or more interest, and so on and on and on becomes a common theme that is not always spoken out loud, but very often implied in the behaviour of the child.

    Add the tons of guilt already harboured by the single parent for not being able to provide a wholesome and ‘normal’ home for their children, and this is something that could test the patience of an angel.

    The joys and pains of childhood

    The early years, and even the tween and teen years are supposed to be the best years of bonding between a parent and their child. Single parents are often denied this joy because those are the most troublesome years for children that are still struggling with feelings of abandonment or anger because of the absence of their other parent. If anything, this is the most common scenario in which the single parent has to be good and bad cop in order to curtail unhealthy behaviours and a toxic mindset from setting in.

    Striking a balance between discipline and affection becomes difficult because being in it alone, there is a constant struggle of conscience between when affection may be interpreted as condoning bad behaviour, and when discipline may be seen as denying affection. If anything, this is probably the most difficult struggle for a single parent.

    This struggle intensifies if they simultaneously feel denied the joy of bonding and enjoying their child during the most innocent years of their lives, simply because they have a partner, or an ex-partner that doesn’t pull their weight for their children. Some are fortunate to have a support structure that cushions this blow because they had a good upbringing themselves.

    Unfortunately, many single-parent homes are that way because the adults had poor role models on which to inform their decisions in their marriage. This could have directly led to the breakdown of the relationship in the first place. In such an instance, the support structure that is needed is not one that is available or reliable, because it threatens to entrench the very same values in the children that caused the problem in the marriage.

    Extended family politics

    Having extended family to share the load can be a blessing, but can often also be a burden. If the extended family doesn’t share the same values with which we want to raise our children, it creates a tension where there should have been ease. Trying to maintain good relations with our extended family because we want to teach our kids to do the same, while also limiting the influences that we disapprove of becomes yet another juggling act that we must master.

    Finding a balance becomes that much more difficult when the extended family is also the primary social circle as happens to be the case in many traditional family structures.

    What social life?

    Single parents make more social sacrifices than anyone else. Those that don’t make such sacrifices often suffer either with the guilt of not doing enough for their children while taking some time for themselves, or they face the wrath of the intolerant child that uses every excuse to reinforce their feelings of abandonment by laying the guilt on thick and fast when they’re not the focus of attention.

    Worse than this, the aftermath of a bad relationship often means that the social circles that once provided comfort and support are no longer available to the single parent. Even if it is, the conversations often have an undertone (sometimes not so subtle) about everything that’s wrong about the ex, or sometimes reminiscing about how it could have been if only…or worse, pity.

    That show of excessive concern and sympathy for the condition of the single parent who apparently doesn’t have a life because of all their sacrifices for their children do nothing more than reinforce the internal conversations that drive the single parent crazy in their alone time at home. In other words, by focusing on how difficult their life is in our efforts to acknowledge their bravery, struggle, effort, etc. only reminds them of what they already know.

    Finding a balance between appreciating their commitment and allowing them a breather to feel normal and un-judged is the best thing you can do for them. If you really want to be a benefit and blessing to a single-parent friend, don’t spend time reminding them about their struggle. Listen to them patiently if they want to blow off some steam, or even if they just need to get an alternate perspective. However, you must encourage them to rise above it all when you find that they have an unhealthy fixation on everything that is weighing them down.

    Filling the void left by the ex

    We all need to belong, or at the least, identify with the roots that shaped us. It helps us to make sense of who we are, and more importantly why we are who we are. As kids mature and start developing their own identity, they are inclined to want to know what they inherited from which parent. The moment they recognise that they have a trait or interest that is not in common with the parent that is raising them, the questions begin to drive them insane about the absent one.

    Sometimes, as difficult as it is, it is somewhat easy to fill in the blanks for them. Especially if the ex is not particularly deserving of tar-and-feathers, or worse. In other words, if the ex became the ex simply because the relationship wasn’t healthy and not because they behaved really badly.

    However, when the ex turns out to be a real piece of work, and our greatest fears about raising our children is for them not to be like the ex at all, every conceivable alarm bell goes off when we begin to see those toxic or self-destructive traits begin to emerge in the characters of our cherished little ones. Having a healthy sounding board to stop ourselves from growing paranoid about our concerns is the best path to maintain our sanity at such times.

    If you don’t have that sounding board, you need to ramp up your efforts towards mindfulness and self-awareness, because you are your best and worst critic. Knowing how to spot when you’re good or bad to yourself is more valuable than any other support structure that you may think you need.

    Do single parents get a ‘Get out of jail free’ card?

    Single parents have to have broad shoulders with less resources and even less support, because as mentioned above, the aftermath of a bad marriage or relationship, or sadly no relationship at all, often makes holding on to our old support structures very difficult. In a society that is excited by the opportunity to be able to judge others on social media, developing trusting friendships or support structures as a single parent becomes that much more difficult.

    So, do we get a ‘Get out of jail free’ card? No. The moment we look to take the easy way out, we become no better than the one that abandoned their children to begin with. More importantly, the moment we think of abdicating our responsibilities as single parents, we create in our children the very same cycle that destroyed our hopes of having a wholesome family.

    Children of ‘broken’ homes are most at risk of repeating the cycle. Not because a broken home spawns broken humans, but because a broken home that is accepted to be broken spawns broken individuals who must then use their life to discover what is normal, or wholesome, rather than to live it beautifully.

    Where to from here?

    Investing in our own wellbeing is as critical, if not more critical in our efforts to break the cycle that got us into this mess in the first place. Yes, our children are not a mess, and neither is our effort to raise them well. But, if the net effect of our lives weren’t a mess, there would be no need to write this article, and no need for you to read it.

    So, do what single parents do best. Keep it real, and face down the demons that threaten your sanity and question your self-worth. Start by investing in who you are, and get to know yourself better than any friend or therapist could ever get to know you. And the starting point is to understand why you are the way you are, so that you may be able to embrace that reality, and consciously choose, with kindness, what it is that you wish to do differently in future.

    Don’t look at your children and question how you may have let them down. That betrayal of their trust in this world was a joint effort with your partner at the time. You’re still here and trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Focus on that, and take joy from the small successes, because it is the small successes that leave a lasting imprint more than the big ones.

    The true heroes of our society are not the celebrated icons, but the quiet soldiers that fight the good fight because they are sincerely invested in creating a society better than the one that let them down in the first place.

    You, the single parent, are one of those heroes.

    No single article can do justice to this topic. But, I hope that this small effort will be enough to remind us that not everything is what it seems in a single-parent home so that we as a society will be able to develop more empathy and support for those that are desperately trying to break the cycle of dysfunction that we see around us.

  • The silent lie

    The silent lie

    Dishonesty isn’t always a lie. It’s often an unspoken truth. In fact, unspoken truths are probably the source of more dishonesty than outright lies.

    We remain silent when we feel threatened by the revelation of the truth.

    That threat is not always about exposure of who we are. Sometimes, it’s because we don’t want to bear the responsibility of meeting the expectations that are raised if we spoke out.

    Like speaking out in defence of the truth, or vouching for someone’s character, or giving due credit. It all demands that we follow through with sincerity and consistency.

    This is most often the reason why we choose to be dishonest and remain silent, instead of speaking out and accepting the responsibility of the consequences.

  • Defining Moments Life Coaching

    Defining Moments Life Coaching

    Defining moments are those moments that mark a turning point in our lives. It’s either recalled as a moment of upliftment, or sadly too often a moment of duress. Both, however, define our lives and influences our behaviour in ways that we rarely recognise.

    When those defining moments are positive experiences, recognising them allows us to build on the momentum that it offered and makes such moments sustainable and repeatable. The moments that weighed us down can stifle our growth and confidence for years to come. It leaves us feeling burdened and exhausted compelling us to find ways to cope with what feels like external stress from work, family, social, or all of the above.

    At the core of any growth effort is the need for mindfulness. Mindfulness must be grounded in practicality and not approached as something external to your life. It must become an integrated part of who you are and how you immerse yourself in your daily life. This is the only sustainable and most powerful form of mindfulness. A mindfulness that allows you to navigate your emotions with clarity and your circumstances with a quiet confidence.

    Defining Moments Life Coaching focuses on a practical and effective approach to achieving balance in life, and especially understanding and working through past experiences that may be holding us back. With the emphasis on being accessible to those that would not normally be able to afford such services, coaching sessions are virtual to reduce transport and logistics costs for the client, and improve convenience and cost effectiveness.

    Schedule your consultation today and make a major positive step forward in achieving your dreams and aspirations without compromising your soul or your personal relationships.

  • The Arrogance of Forgiveness

    The Arrogance of Forgiveness

    My naivety has often led to prickly situations that didn’t end well. Sometimes the prickiness of the situation resulted in the loss of what I assumed to be a heartwarming friendship. But the thing about conviction is that it makes it impossible to withdraw an unpopular sentiment in order to preserve the illusion of friendship, or any relationship for that matter. I refer to it as an illusion because once its true nature is revealed, we discover that what we held dear was simply a perception that we courted, and not a substance shared by another.

    Naivety in this case is the belief that if we saw value in our relationship with someone, then they surely must appreciate the same value in return. This is seldom true because it dictates that the experience and the benefit derived from that relationship is equal for both parties. The reality is closer to the fact that one party is more invested in the relationship than the other. While one is anticipating an enduring endearment, the other may be considering a quick exit. One is naively trusting while the other is naively suspicious. And that’s how relationships break down.

    The trusting think nothing of testing sincerity because they do not want to be treated with such suspicion in return, and the suspicious look for evidence of sincerity because their trusting nature was once the cause of their fall from grace. Unfortunately, we are more likely to project on future relationships the lessons learnt from failures than we are to anticipate the beauty that we may have once experienced.

    The frailty of human nature is such that we see fit to defend ourselves from potential harm before we are inclined to embrace potential benefit. Some assume this to be our instinct for self-preservation, but I disagree. I think it’s simply the result of insecurity grounded in the belief that we are only capable of being broken so many times before it will be impossible to put us back together again. Resilience is a choice, not a limited resource, and therefore we choose to protect ourselves from a self-imposed limitation rather than a real threat.

    We reduce our capacity to deal with adversity when we live in fear of the future. When we eventually realise that we are gripped by fear more than we are optimistic about the future, it inevitably leads us down a path of introspection in our efforts to determine where we gave up the desire to live joyfully.

    Such introspection inevitably leads to recollections of failed relationships and our expectations that were betrayed in the process. The bitterness or disappointment that ensued became the burden that we nurtured to dress our wounds as we focused on our failed expectations rather than the personal demons that led others to betray the trust that we so willingly gave them.

    When we reach that point, there is no shortage of people who will advise us to forgive the betrayer, or to forgive ourselves so that we can move on. And because that sounds like great advice, we take it. Along with taking the advice, we also take the assumption of innocence and benevolence that we are gracious enough to forgive which implicitly implies that we are better than them. We are the aggrieved and they were the aggressors. While that may hold true in a court of law, it is far from true in the reality that presented itself.

    The arrogance of forgiveness lies in the assumption that we are morally superior and therefore bestow our forgiveness on those that have wronged us. Were we as repentant to those that we may have wronged in the past, or were we also then focused on justifying our suspicion or anger to explain why we behaved in ways that warranted the forgiveness of others?

    While the act of forgiveness itself has merit in our efforts to redress the past, we cannot afford to lose sight of the entitlement to moral superiority that it endows on those that are more inclined to justify their own behaviour in the face of someone else’s failure. Acceptance and a desire to understand is infinitely more grounding than forgiveness ever will be. Acceptance and understanding do not imply condoning the offensive or hurtful behaviour, but it allows us to see the human behind the weakness, or the pain behind the anger.

    Forgiveness shifts our focus to our sense of benevolence and risks replacing the humility we experienced in betrayal with the arrogance of assuming that we are better than those who betrayed us. As the old adage goes, to err is human, to forgive, divine. When you assume the station of divinity, you automatically assume that you are above being human. If you must forgive, then be sure to recount all the times that you did not go in search of the forgiveness of those whom you have wronged through the years.

  • The Burden of Choice

    The Burden of Choice

    Choice is that horrible thing we despise when something doesn’t work out in our favour, but it’s a right we jealously defend when things go our way. Right there is the crux of balance, but balance will remain elusive if we don’t recognise the choices that we made. That is not as basic as it sounds. 

    One human trait that is available in abundance is the trait of obliviousness. Not only are we often oblivious to the impact we have on others, we are equally oblivious to the choices that we make in the process. Not being aware of the impact we have is sometimes a result of being so internally focused on our needs or flaws that we don’t expect to have any meaningful impact on anyone else. 

    When we are so distracted by that internal focus, it is easy to assume that we are simply following the rabbit hole of our thoughts without recognising the decisions we make each time we arrive at a fork in the tunnels. Roads have daylight to warm us during the day, and stars at night to guide us. No, this is a much more daunting journey than that. We rarely travel by daylight or by moonlight when our focus is so intensely internal. That is when we are most oblivious which is quite ironical given that it is exactly such introspection that we hope to make us more aware of who we are and what our contribution to this world might be. 

    And thus we trundle along through those tunnels, bumping into others, sometimes torchbearers on that path, assuming that they are only there for the same reason that we are, but ignoring the fact that they have the same needs as we do. We all just express our needs differently. Right there, in that moment, with that assumption, a choice is made. A choice to engage, to trust, to assume good, or to withdraw and assume that there is no good to be achieved, or that there is no familiarity or comfort to be taken. Those are the choices that we grow oblivious to when we become so intensely focused on our journey that we lose sight of those travelling the same journey, or perhaps having travelled it already.

    In the process of living so selfishly, despite our best intentions, we discard exactly what we may be in search of, and then lament not finding it. Sometimes we are reminded of such choices but grow defensive at the thought of being responsible for our own misery. Surely my sincere pursuit of happiness and enlightenment cannot be the cause of my own misery? Why didn’t someone make me aware of it? Why didn’t someone say something? Why couldn’t they just understand what I was going through? Even if all those questions are answered in the affirmative. it does not change the reality of the fact that it was choices, well-meaning but sometimes destructive choices that we make sincerely and with conviction that isolates the very blessing that we set out to acquire. 

    Lighthouses and travellers. The irony of this is that no one is ever only one of the two for any extended period of time. The dance of life leads us to switch roles without even realising that we are. When a lighthouse is needed, we immediately assume the position because of our desire to breathe life into that which we find wholesome, or beautiful, but just as quickly we become travellers looking to draw pleasure from that same beauty and appreciate the calming presence of the lighthouse.

    If only life was static and predictable. It never is. And the dance between lighthouses and travellers remain a fluid exchange of choices that we make in that moment. The more mindfully we choose, the greater the impact of our choices on our lives. The more oblivious we are with the choices that we make the greater the impact on the lives of others. 

    In that lies the burden of choice. We are not only accountable for the choices we recognise. That is an easy accountability to accept. It is accepting accountability for the choices that we did not intend to make that determines our authenticity and often, it determines the quality of the relationships that contribute towards the joy and comfort that we experience in life. Neglect these out of fear of being accountable for causing harm or pain, and you will find yourself troubled by consequences that seemingly have no good reason to happen to a good person. And that, I believe is one of the reasons why bad things happen to good people.

    P. S. I think it’s human to be oblivious simply because of the scale of distractions that we are exposed to all the time. Therefore, it is in becoming aware (after the fact) of the unintended harm that tests whether our ego is driven towards humility and accountability, or arrogance and deniability.

  • Reciprocation

    Reciprocation

    I’ve seen myself walking a path through a barren land. In the distance, the very farthest end of the horizon, beautiful clouds gathered, non-threatening and cool in appearance. Rolling over itself casually as if waiting patiently for my arrival. I did not rush to meet it, because my companion was lagging behind. The sun where I stood circling in the sand, was beating down mercilessly. I could walk towards the comfort that awaited me, but my companion was looking worn and disheartened. From where she stood, the horizon looked very different. It was barren, just like the area surrounding us. She was too far back to see the clouds awaiting our arrival. So she slowed even more.

    I too slowed down. I could see it for the both of us, so it didn’t matter that she couldn’t. What mattered was that we got there together. So I halted, waited, and slowly made my way back to her to help her along. Shielding her eyes with my hands in the hope that it may reveal the clouds, she continued to look back. Back at the barren land with traces of smoke still pluming into the sky from where she left. She kept looking back hoping for the smoke to stop, but it didn’t. And the smell still stuck in her nose taunting her with images of the horrors she had seen before leaving that place.

    So I pulled her closer, steadied her footing, and gently nudged her forward so that we could start our journey again. The horizon slowly fading, even the clouds dissipating as I dragged the weight of us both towards that horizon. What little food and drink I had, I kept for her. She needed it more than I did. I could see the end in sight, and it gave me hope. She couldn’t see it, so she needed hope. And the little sustenance that remained was hope enough for her. If nothing else, it delayed the inevitable, as she peered over her shoulder again staring longingly at the plumes of smoke still barely visible in the distance.

    She ate and drank and regained her strength, as I slowly wilted beside her. But I didn’t show my wilting spirit. She needed hope, and I needed to be strong. Each step drained me more, while each step infused a newfound sense of determination in her. As she picked up her pace, I started lagging behind. The clouds on the horizon now creeping into view for her, she finally saw what kept me going all that time. Almost spent, I needed a moment to gather my strength for that final push to tear us away from those plumes of smoke forever.

    As I paused to rest, she grew impatient. I looked at her with the slightest smile on my face, as if asking her if she finally sees what I was pushing for all that time. Instead of a soft word, I received a scowl. I had now become the weight that was slowing her down to get to the destination that I fought to reach for the both of us. But that didn’t matter. The plumes were now gone, or even if they weren’t, she found hope to distract her from those plumes. Nourished with the little reserves we had left, she powered on and left me there, catching my breath, taking a moment to pause, to gather my strength so that I could stand up tall enough to get a glimpse of the clouds that was enough to feed my soul and my battered limbs.

    The clouds. Even though I could no longer see them, I still knew they were there. She disappeared into the distance as I kept steadily advancing a single pace at a time, until I rediscovered my rhythm. The same rhythm that kept me going for the both of us before, was now more than sufficient to keep me going by myself. I gathered pace, and scanned the horizon. Suddenly, the clouds melted in a haze of heatwaves rising lazily from the sand. As I looked around, I realised it was a mirage, and to the right, a slight distance further, around the side of the rocky cliffs that flanked our journey for so long, it appeared majestically in lush green shades, and the whitest clouds. I wanted to call out to her to turn back, but she was gone.

    [This attempt at a creative abstract personifies the journey that many of us take in our efforts to uplift others. Sometimes we expend ourselves to the point where we become the burden that we hoped to help others rise above. And sometimes, if we’re fortunate, we catch ourselves before we reach that nadir of our existence. That point that is so low, that looking up is too daunting, so we keep our gaze firmly fixed on the ground before us hoping for a sign as to when it will welcome us home. Today is not that day.]

  • The one who loves less…

    I once heard that the one who loves less is the one that controls the relationship. It sounds pretty obvious at face value, but it assumes that the expression of love is as obvious as well. It also assumes that the interpretation of control is in fact control and not influence. It assumes a lot. But with most satisfied to think in the shallow end of the emotional pool only, it’s no wonder that such proclamations gain unchallenged veracity.

    Love is never monolithic in its expression. A bunch of flowers for one may be an endearing gesture, while for another it could be superficial or fake. Some prefer to see conviction in a personal gesture or investment of time and effort, while others need the flowers to believe that they were remembered at a time when they weren’t present. Whether one form of expression is better than the other is not the point. The fact that it translates into a gesture that reflects intent, and in turn, is appreciated for what it was intended to convey is significantly more important.

    Intent, therefore, is what counts. Intent, therefore, also demands sincerity. A gesture is only a gesture towards acquiring a specific desired outcome if that gesture proves to be an embrace of another, rather than the acquisition of benefits for personal gain. That seems a bit wordy, so here’s a slightly lighter take on this. If you give with the intention of receiving, you’re giving for your own benefit and not to sincerely express appreciation or endearment of another.

    We all seek to control and/or influence. That is what determines our level of significance with our significant others. Whether such control or influence is driven maliciously or not remains a question of intent, and given the above, it’s near impossible to be absolutely certain about the intent of another. At best, we are able to measure the reciprocation with which our efforts are met. The greater the reciprocation, the more likely we are to believe that there is an equal conviction on their part in responding to our efforts. The less the reciprocation, the more likely we’ll recede from the belief that we’re being taken for granted, or are simply not being appreciated at all.

    The one that controls the relationship is not always the one that loves less. Quite often, conviction in the potential outcome drives some to be controlling when they find that they are unable to subtly influence the behaviour of those they love in the direction that they truly believe will benefit them. Benefit to both the one influencing, and personal benefit to the one being influenced. Perhaps, by the same logic, I could argue that the one who controls less may love less, because in doing so, it could easily reflect a lack of conviction on their part. It could suggest a lack of belief in the innate goodness or the beautiful potential that has yet to be realised from the relationship.

    It’s all about what’s in it for us. If I aim to extract more benefit for myself than I hope to contribute for others, then definitely my efforts at controlling or influencing the outcome will be self-serving. In that case, my love for myself will be greater than my love for any wholesomeness to be achieved with another. However, if my aim is to extract a benefit for the other, without sacrificing myself in the process, then perhaps it could be argued that I am the one that loves more. If I sacrifice myself in the process, it simply means that I see myself as lacking in value to those around me, and therefore need to expend myself in their service if I ever hope to achieve any level of significance in their lives. A truly unhealthy state to be.