Tag: raising boys

Just like we don’t blame the fruit for the tree from which it came, we can’t blame our children for their character before they reach an age of self-awareness and critical thinking.

If we find the fruit of a tree to be lacking in sweetness, we pay attention to the tree and what it needs to produce better fruit.

We don’t try to sweeten the fruit itself.

We first need to consider why it is that our intended outcomes for our children in character and values are not what we wish for them, before we focus on disciplining them towards compliance.

When we feel compelled to resort to harsh disciplinary measures, we need to realise that we lack the influence that we need to have on our children for them to want to adopt our values and principles.

The problem to solve is then to figure out why they’re not connecting with us as parents, rather than driving them further away by treating them harshly.

Our insecurities as parents, coupled with cultural norms that discourage emotional availability between parents and children, result in a focus on being dutiful towards our children, while dismissing how much they need to feel seen and appreciated by us.

Seen and appreciated through sincere, meaningful, emotional bonds, and not through participation awards, or through buying them stuff.

But we can’t give what we don’t have. That’s why we need to understand ourselves better when we find that the outcomes we wish for ourselves with our children may not be what we hope to achieve.

When the village holds more influence over your children than you do, and if that influence goes against your value system, life as a parent becomes a struggle.

That struggle can only be alleviated by demonstrating, through action and not words, why what you want for them is more beneficial for them than what the village around them stands for.

That’s when you need to pull them closer, not increase the fear of consequences if they don’t do what you expect of them.

Give them an opportunity to learn from you how life works, so that they don’t learn it from the village instead.

Raise adults, not children.

#parenting #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #raisingkids