Tag: marriage

  • The single parent challenge

    The single parent challenge

    This is a burning issue. I won’t be surprised if we have more single-parent homes than we have two-parent homes these days. In fact, even many two-parent homes are run like a single-parent home because one of the partners are either uninterested, emotionally unavailable, or simply a delinquent child themselves. The crisis is much worse than any social media rants might suggest from struggling single parents.

    So, I wonder, what are the real difficulties with single parenting? It’s not only the obvious stuff, like having to carry the load for two people, or having to struggle with a split personality of being both good cop and bad cop. It’s much worse than that. As a single parent myself, I can identify with this struggle very deeply. Here’s a brief list of some of the more prominent themes that single parents must deal with on a daily basis.

    The passive toxic parent influence

    The one that shows up to raise the kids is the one that also has to deal with the influence of the absent parent. But, don’t assume that the influence that I’m referring to is only there if that parent has access to the child. No. In fact, I would argue that it can sometimes be worse when they have no access because then it’s double-jeopardy.

    Not only do you have to deal with the anger and feelings of abandonment of the child, but you also have to deal with the imaginings of the child in their efforts to try to behave in a way that they think their absent parent might notice them. Add to this the already burdensome effort of holding it together for two parents by yourself, and it’s more like triple-jeopardy.

    Finding a balance between limiting the negative influence of the ex, and allowing your child to discover the truth about them through time spent with them, can sometimes save your sanity. If you don’t have a support structure to ease this balance, proceed with great caution, and even greater mindfulness.

    The blame game

    Another common theme that single parents have to deal with are the outbursts of blame from their children which only get worse during their teen years. That blame is impossible to lay at the feet of someone that isn’t around, leaving the only available target being the parent that is actively involved in raising their child.

    To be blamed for their other parent not being around, or for not having a normal family like other kids is par for the course in a single parent home. Hearing accusations from their child about feeling unappreciated because if so-and-so was there, they would probably have more time or more interest, and so on and on and on becomes a common theme that is not always spoken out loud, but very often implied in the behaviour of the child.

    Add the tons of guilt already harboured by the single parent for not being able to provide a wholesome and ‘normal’ home for their children, and this is something that could test the patience of an angel.

    The joys and pains of childhood

    The early years, and even the tween and teen years are supposed to be the best years of bonding between a parent and their child. Single parents are often denied this joy because those are the most troublesome years for children that are still struggling with feelings of abandonment or anger because of the absence of their other parent. If anything, this is the most common scenario in which the single parent has to be good and bad cop in order to curtail unhealthy behaviours and a toxic mindset from setting in.

    Striking a balance between discipline and affection becomes difficult because being in it alone, there is a constant struggle of conscience between when affection may be interpreted as condoning bad behaviour, and when discipline may be seen as denying affection. If anything, this is probably the most difficult struggle for a single parent.

    This struggle intensifies if they simultaneously feel denied the joy of bonding and enjoying their child during the most innocent years of their lives, simply because they have a partner, or an ex-partner that doesn’t pull their weight for their children. Some are fortunate to have a support structure that cushions this blow because they had a good upbringing themselves.

    Unfortunately, many single-parent homes are that way because the adults had poor role models on which to inform their decisions in their marriage. This could have directly led to the breakdown of the relationship in the first place. In such an instance, the support structure that is needed is not one that is available or reliable, because it threatens to entrench the very same values in the children that caused the problem in the marriage.

    Extended family politics

    Having extended family to share the load can be a blessing, but can often also be a burden. If the extended family doesn’t share the same values with which we want to raise our children, it creates a tension where there should have been ease. Trying to maintain good relations with our extended family because we want to teach our kids to do the same, while also limiting the influences that we disapprove of becomes yet another juggling act that we must master.

    Finding a balance becomes that much more difficult when the extended family is also the primary social circle as happens to be the case in many traditional family structures.

    What social life?

    Single parents make more social sacrifices than anyone else. Those that don’t make such sacrifices often suffer either with the guilt of not doing enough for their children while taking some time for themselves, or they face the wrath of the intolerant child that uses every excuse to reinforce their feelings of abandonment by laying the guilt on thick and fast when they’re not the focus of attention.

    Worse than this, the aftermath of a bad relationship often means that the social circles that once provided comfort and support are no longer available to the single parent. Even if it is, the conversations often have an undertone (sometimes not so subtle) about everything that’s wrong about the ex, or sometimes reminiscing about how it could have been if only…or worse, pity.

    That show of excessive concern and sympathy for the condition of the single parent who apparently doesn’t have a life because of all their sacrifices for their children do nothing more than reinforce the internal conversations that drive the single parent crazy in their alone time at home. In other words, by focusing on how difficult their life is in our efforts to acknowledge their bravery, struggle, effort, etc. only reminds them of what they already know.

    Finding a balance between appreciating their commitment and allowing them a breather to feel normal and un-judged is the best thing you can do for them. If you really want to be a benefit and blessing to a single-parent friend, don’t spend time reminding them about their struggle. Listen to them patiently if they want to blow off some steam, or even if they just need to get an alternate perspective. However, you must encourage them to rise above it all when you find that they have an unhealthy fixation on everything that is weighing them down.

    Filling the void left by the ex

    We all need to belong, or at the least, identify with the roots that shaped us. It helps us to make sense of who we are, and more importantly why we are who we are. As kids mature and start developing their own identity, they are inclined to want to know what they inherited from which parent. The moment they recognise that they have a trait or interest that is not in common with the parent that is raising them, the questions begin to drive them insane about the absent one.

    Sometimes, as difficult as it is, it is somewhat easy to fill in the blanks for them. Especially if the ex is not particularly deserving of tar-and-feathers, or worse. In other words, if the ex became the ex simply because the relationship wasn’t healthy and not because they behaved really badly.

    However, when the ex turns out to be a real piece of work, and our greatest fears about raising our children is for them not to be like the ex at all, every conceivable alarm bell goes off when we begin to see those toxic or self-destructive traits begin to emerge in the characters of our cherished little ones. Having a healthy sounding board to stop ourselves from growing paranoid about our concerns is the best path to maintain our sanity at such times.

    If you don’t have that sounding board, you need to ramp up your efforts towards mindfulness and self-awareness, because you are your best and worst critic. Knowing how to spot when you’re good or bad to yourself is more valuable than any other support structure that you may think you need.

    Do single parents get a ‘Get out of jail free’ card?

    Single parents have to have broad shoulders with less resources and even less support, because as mentioned above, the aftermath of a bad marriage or relationship, or sadly no relationship at all, often makes holding on to our old support structures very difficult. In a society that is excited by the opportunity to be able to judge others on social media, developing trusting friendships or support structures as a single parent becomes that much more difficult.

    So, do we get a ‘Get out of jail free’ card? No. The moment we look to take the easy way out, we become no better than the one that abandoned their children to begin with. More importantly, the moment we think of abdicating our responsibilities as single parents, we create in our children the very same cycle that destroyed our hopes of having a wholesome family.

    Children of ‘broken’ homes are most at risk of repeating the cycle. Not because a broken home spawns broken humans, but because a broken home that is accepted to be broken spawns broken individuals who must then use their life to discover what is normal, or wholesome, rather than to live it beautifully.

    Where to from here?

    Investing in our own wellbeing is as critical, if not more critical in our efforts to break the cycle that got us into this mess in the first place. Yes, our children are not a mess, and neither is our effort to raise them well. But, if the net effect of our lives weren’t a mess, there would be no need to write this article, and no need for you to read it.

    So, do what single parents do best. Keep it real, and face down the demons that threaten your sanity and question your self-worth. Start by investing in who you are, and get to know yourself better than any friend or therapist could ever get to know you. And the starting point is to understand why you are the way you are, so that you may be able to embrace that reality, and consciously choose, with kindness, what it is that you wish to do differently in future.

    Don’t look at your children and question how you may have let them down. That betrayal of their trust in this world was a joint effort with your partner at the time. You’re still here and trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Focus on that, and take joy from the small successes, because it is the small successes that leave a lasting imprint more than the big ones.

    The true heroes of our society are not the celebrated icons, but the quiet soldiers that fight the good fight because they are sincerely invested in creating a society better than the one that let them down in the first place.

    You, the single parent, are one of those heroes.

    No single article can do justice to this topic. But, I hope that this small effort will be enough to remind us that not everything is what it seems in a single-parent home so that we as a society will be able to develop more empathy and support for those that are desperately trying to break the cycle of dysfunction that we see around us.

  • The Ebb and Flow of Harmony

    In every situation there is a provocateur and the provoked. I always fancied myself as the provocateur because more often than not, others lack the courage to disrupt because of the overwhelming need to be liked or celebrated. Popularity drives more actions than purpose ever will. Anyway, I’m sure most can relate to the setting where two strong characters clash because each is attempting to establish their view as being the dominant one. Sometimes this is understandable where both may have valid points around a contentious issue, but most often one is more right than the other, but ego prevents the other from backing down and accepting defeat. Perhaps defeat is too strong a term, because the reality is closer to accepting having learnt something new from someone we hoped would not be in a position to teach us something new because it implies that they knew more than us. Hence the ego kicking in.

    The same plays out constantly in relationships with significant others. I recently became aware of an awkward truth, or perhaps just an awkwardness that defines a large part of my life, and probably yours. Given that I am regularly drawn into contentious situations for reasons that are unimportant at this point, it was always easy for me to assume that it was someone else’s drama that I was compelled to resolve, or at least needed to resolve. While some of that may be true, I’m quite certain that it’s not always true despite what my ego may prompt me to believe. As I took a closer look I grew more aware of this phenomenon, and I’m convinced that in every relationship, and more accurately, in every scenario in every relationship there is one that sets the tone, and the other that harmonises that tone. As an example, if I arrive home in a flustered state after a long slog at the office and just want to be left alone, my wife could either insist that I give my family their dues and pay attention to their needs regardless of my preferences at that point, or she could create a space that doesn’t place those immediate demands on me, while also allowing for a distraction that defuses the tone that I set. In that case, I set the tone, and she harmonises it.

    The important thing I noticed around this is that both parties set the tone at different points, even though in some relationships one person assumes the dominant role more often, while the other is comfortable to constantly follow their lead and harmonise their lives around that tone that was set. The problem sets in when both want to set the tone, or both want to harmonise. That’s when egos are triggered, and demands for significance play out in cryptic ways that do everything but make plain the real issue at hand.

    The impact of both wanting to set the tone is fairly obvious, but not so for the situation where both wish to harmonise. I’ve found this to take place at times when the usually dominant one feels the fatigue of playing the lead role and suddenly steps back hoping to be led for a change. The other that was comfortable to follow and harmonise up to that point suddenly feels uncomfortable being forced into a lead role, thereby causing them to question their competence in that setting in the relationship. It also causes them to question the value of their contribution up to that point, leading to frayed tempers and subsequent upheaval.

    This may be a simplification of the dynamics that play out in relationships, be they personal or professional, but it’s a theme that is common and from what I’ve seen, consistent. If we assume that we only play one or the other, then we firstly undermine the contribution of the other, and secondly we grow oblivious to the true impact of our contribution to the relationship, both positive and negative.

    While it may be true that some are naturally inclined to take a leading role, I would hazard a guess that there is not a human being alive or dead that never had a need to be led, instead of always shouldering the burden of leading others. There is much comfort that can be obtained from learning and being led, but our egos often tend to prevent us from enjoying such benefits when we convince ourselves that we are expected to know everything or lead in everything. Chances are, those expectations are entirely self-imposed, even if others believe it to be true.

    Harmony is experienced when there is a mutual and willing contribution in equitable parts to a common aspirational goal. In the absence of mutuality, and more importantly willing subscription, the pursuit and the ultimate goal will always be lacking in sweetness. Perhaps this is why so many lead busy lives full of responsibility and activity while still feeling hollow and unfulfilled.

  • Defining Moments

    I’ve often mulled over the idea of one day listing the moments that I believe defined me in ways I often still don’t fully understand.

    The images that flash through my mind when I contemplate those defining moments are often not scenes of hope and happiness, but most often they’re scenes of struggles, pain, isolation, betrayal, and detachment. Being one of six siblings in a small house makes it easy to disappear into the clutter. Sibling rivalry never needed solicitation.

    Standing in the cold night air urinating into the flower bed in front of my uncle’s house when I was a scared little kid barely 6 years old, I remember staring across the road at the sight of my mother standing in tears under the carport of our house out of concern for my wellbeing. I was physically dragged by my collar and kicked out of the house for not being able to find something I didn’t lose. A lesson my father thought was very much needed in order to teach me not to forget my jacket outside after playing with my cousins; so he chose to hide it away until he was ready to stop teaching me that lesson. It worked. I’m anally responsible these days.

    Moments like those were numerous and such a harsh approach to establishing discipline was the norm. I often find myself resisting the inclination to apply similarly harsh measures in dealing with untoward behaviour from my children. It’s strange how easily we adopt the nature of those that reared us, despite having had distinctly distasteful moments at their hands. I was born with an inherent resilience that prevented me from seeking affirmation from others. I was odd and I didn’t give a damn, and for the most part I still don’t. I sat and browsed through encyclopaedias that showed me life in full colour while siblings, cousins, and friends played cricket in the streets of the township where we lived. I sometimes joined them, but it often ended in injury, so there was hardly ever much attraction for me to immerse myself into the sporting experiences that others seemed to live for. This, I realised later in life, was a source of much disappointment for my father. It didn’t deter me. For as long as I can remember, anyone attempting to coerce me into doing something I didn’t like or want for myself often departed frustrated and unfulfilled in their attempts to prevail over me, or the situation.

    My academic achievements at school were largely unnoticed and barely celebrated, until I lost total interest, slipped from the top of the grade to the bottom of the pile, and eventually dropped out of high school without anyone caring, including me. Girls wouldn’t talk to me and guys wouldn’t bully me because neither group knew what to expect in return. But those weren’t particularly defining moments for me.

    Being jailed for bogus charges of domestic violence and child abuse against my own children. Now that was a defining moment, especially since I was the one that called the police to stop the abuse meted out against me for years. My timing as always was impeccable. I chose to do that at a time when domestic violence against women was a priority for the South African justice system. Nonetheless, it spelt the end of a tumultuous relationship with a depraved soul that was diagnosed as having several severe mental disorders, when in fact all she cried for in the most destructive ways was security and affirmation from parents that made dysfunction look like an admirable next step in life. Unfortunately she projected her demons on me and found it therapeutic to win the favour of others by demonising me instead. It was during those four distasteful years that I lost the very few friends whose presence I always cherished in my life up to that point.

    Pacing around the courtyard of the holding cells at our local police station on the coldest night of winter that year left me even more detached. My pleas to the police officer for common sense to prevail echoing in my head while the nagging knowledge of having hardened criminals sleeping in the cell alongside me left little space for peace. But the moon looked distinctly beautiful that night as I watched it cross the sky through the metal grids that sealed the courtyard above the 20 foot high walls, just in case someone was able to climb up the sheer face of it. It was odd how the police officer that arrived on the scene appeared to be more traumatised than I was. I later discovered that he had presided over another arrest relating to domestic violence during which the alleged perpetrator hanged himself in the bathroom. No wonder the indignity I was afforded when I needed to use the bathroom that night before being taken away by the police. I still smile at the memories of standing in the holding cells below the courthouse and having random convicts coming over to me to tell me their stories of claimed innocence. I seem to attract the weirdest kind.

    Wintery nights seem to be the common thread in many defining moments. Years before, I was held at gunpoint by my previous wife while she went through yet another crazy mood swing demanding that I call the police to settle an argument or else she would shoot me with my gun while holding our daughter in my arms. You read that right. It didn’t make sense to me either, but such is the logic of a recovering drug addict. Again, the police were sympathetic towards her, while confiscating my firearm that she mishandled, and asked me to leave the house while entrusting my daughter into her care for the night. Amazing what the weaker sex can get away with.

    My naivety has been a loyal friend throughout my life, and still remains a bosom buddy if recent events are anything to go by. Many accuse me of gullibility, but I would rather live a life of being consciously naïve than to live suspiciously.

    I’ve had good moments, and even a few great ones. I’ve recoiled at the unexpected loss of loved ones, but always receded into a private space to grieve, rarely showing my pain to the world. It’s none of their business after all. The buoyancy of my spirit often mocks me because it leaves me confused about who is being fooled. Or perhaps no one is being fooled, and in fact this inherent resilience that I cannot lay claim to, but nonetheless do possess, perhaps this is what makes it possible for me to see the present moment for what it is rather than what it should be relative to the souring experiences of my past.

    The moments that have defined me are many, but their realisation and conscious recollection still largely eludes me. There is a strong undertone of changes blowing through my life right now. Profound changes that barely show in the normal light of day. Perhaps this is why my mind has been distracted to the point of mild dyslexia recently. My sub-conscious mind is pre-occupied with contemplating these changes, while my conscious mind knows nothing of it in the face of the routine that effortlessly persists.

    I still feel a need to define who I am, but I suspect that I may never fully achieve this goal in this lifetime. Life is…undefinable, and I remain a mystery to myself, and most often, to those around me as well.

  • The Vehicle of My Life

    The analogy of the car has always been the most versatile and relatable of all when used to describe the complexities of our existence. Recently I’ve found myself preoccupied by its relevance in how we relate our bodies to our souls. But the analogy extends almost seamlessly to reflect how we interpret or experience relationships as well. It’s fascinating but also dulling, because something as complex as life can be explained by something as simple as a commodity used for daily commutes, but dulling because it enforces the realisation of the ephemeral nature of life, and everything we associate with it.

    Like with any car, the more you abuse it, the less likely it is to give you a pleasant drive and a long service. The same applies to relationships that are imbalanced. When one partner is constantly demanding more and giving less in return, it wears down that vehicle of marriage. The longer that continues, the more likely it is that the vehicle will eventually stall, or fall into total disrepair, often beyond a state of economic repair. But we miss this obvious truth. So the reality often plays out where the offending party continues in their erroneous ways for an extended period of time, and eventually when they realise the abuse that they’ve been subjecting their partner to, they resolve to be better and in the process expect everything to suddenly continue as it was intended in the first place. Regardless of their good intentions, the reality of the damage caused up to that point cannot be dismissed.

    That would be like driving the absolute hell out of a car from the day you bought it, and then realising that it’s starting to show signs of malfunction and possibly breakdown, at which point you decide to drive it nicely. No matter how smoothly you handle it after that, the damage done will still require a massive effort, and often expense, before the car will be in a good condition. However, the creaks and rattles will never be entirely gone, so those reminders of its original abuse will always remain. The same applies to an imbalanced relationship. Regardless of how many good reasons may exist for the disruptive partner to have behaved in a disruptive way, they need to accept that they lose the right to be treated without prejudice or bias when they eventually realise the error of their ways. At that point, their sincerity of resolve will be tested in a way that will reduce them to a humbled subject that must begin by earning the respect and commitment from the one whose trust and kindness they may have abused up to that point.

    This is an unnecessarily complicated post to explain a really simple truth. If you’re not willing to reap what you sow, don’t be upset when your crop fails. Don’t blame the earth, or the rains, nor the labourers, or the tools. And if you’re not willing to accept your accountability in the process, then expect to spend what will feel like an eternity before you let go of the ego that drove you to believe that the problem was with everyone else, rather than with you.

    This world lacks accountability and community. In the absence of these it is not surprising that we are prone to take more than we give. We feel entitled to claim more than we feel responsible to contribute. But worse than all this, our small efforts are almost always dispensed with an expectation of reciprocation. We present our contribution as selfless but quickly grow vindictive when it goes unappreciated. The world is in an imbalanced state, and everyone thinks that problem will be solved by farting less.

  • Distracted Moments

    There are times when the idealistic bull that I see about people’s expectations from their marriages and relationships in general make me want to puke. It goes well beyond just a mild annoyance or a light giggle because it is so pervasive that it makes me wretch. The reason why it has that effect is because it is spewed by those with barely any experience in an unsupervised setting. People that have yet to experience life outside of earshot of their parent’s nurturing stares or comforts of home should really stop short of telling others what they should or shouldn’t tolerate or expect in life or their relationships.

    It’s not a romantic novel waiting to be cracked open, nor is it a fairytale waiting to be lived. Consider this…if the life you’ve been exposed to so far has already made you yearn for such idealistic outcomes, imagine how much more you’ll yearn for when you’ve had that many more experiences behind you which will open your eyes to realities you always thought belonged in someone else’s life?

    Every mistake that you thought you made just once because you’ll know better in future suddenly slaps you with a different glove concealing its cynical lesson that needs to be taught. Every foul-mouthed man or woman that you saw bitterly cursing others or their mere existence suddenly  becomes a point of anxious familiarity rather than a source of pity on a good day. Suddenly they possess the voice that is stifled within you but your cultural subscription prevents you from betraying the facade that is proper.

    Life is not a romantic notion that needs to be pursued. Every single expectation you have will be tested within breaths of you feeling that sense of accomplishment. Accomplishment and fulfilment will be ever elusive because the more you learn, the more you yearn. The greater the detail you notice, the greater the void you see between what you are and what you always wanted to be.

    Servitude, even if embraced with total abandon will not yield the fulfilment you seek. It is like filling that leaking bucket and at times you can fill slightly faster than it leaks, but it always leaks more than the sum of your efforts to fill it. That is how people are. That is how we all are. We only appreciate what is for as long as the sense of comfort it gives is felt by our fickle souls. Once that moment is passed, it quickly fades into a rose coloured yearning for moments to come that we hope will meet the exaggerated memory that we caress of lesser moments that passed.

    The longer the period between what has been and what needs to be, the more intense that slip into the slump of unfulfilled expectations. The very same expectations that we built on the exaggerated recollections of moments that we never fully appreciated while we were mentally distracted by measuring what was being presented against what we presented to others before, or what we believed we deserved in the first place. And so the beauty of the moment is lost, but whose loss is only ever truly grasped in grey moments that finally allow us to be detached from the distractions of that moment for long enough to realise the truth of what we didn’t notice.

    Regret always comes too late. Idealism just ensures that when it arrives, it is accompanied with the tunes of the ballads that stir that longing for what has been so that we are consistently distracted from what is, while stupidly yearning for what will never be.

  • Sisters, you are meant to be a comfort in this dunya for your husbands.

    hakuna-mataataa:

    Don’t become the reason for their anguish or stress. They face enough of that from work and the community. Remember that it is their job primarily to give da’wah and to build a community but they won’t be able to do so unless they are at peace from within. That comes from you. Causing fitnah within your home would only take them away from helping the ummah on a greater level. What man will have the strength to go out and battle this world when they’re already exhausted from the war at home? Be the reason for their calmness. Their break from everything which tires them out, the one to rejuvenate them. Make them unable to wait to come home to you at the end of every day because you are the only relief for them in this world. You don’t know how many women destroy their husbands’ potentials to do more for this ummah, for Allah subhan wa ta’ala from the husbands wanting to stay outside of home for as long as possible.

    Realize your impact. 

    It’s not about you. It’s about something greater. Although you won’t be the focus, you will be the roots from which the gardens will grow.

  • Misconceptions of Taqdeer (Fate/Destiny)

    reflectionofhumblemodesty:

    A husband and his wife were standing in front of a mirror The wife asked: “What do you see?” The husband smiled and said: “The rest of my life..”
     
     
    Allah subhana wa ta’ala has already written the names of your spouses for you. What you need to work on is your relationship with Allah. He will send her/him to you when you’re ready. It is only a matter of time!!

    I find such statements very difficult to reconcile. My instinctive response is that it has to be a misinterpretation of the concept of taqdeer. It is based on the premise that a single partner has been intended for every single person. What then of those people that have married more than once and divorced more than once? It simply doesn’t add up. I love the idea of having that perfect person just waiting for the right time to walk into my life, but I know it doesn’t happen. I know this from experience on more than one occasion.

    It reminds me of the following hadith:

    One day Allah’s Messenger noticed a Bedouin leaving his camel without tying it. He asked the Bedouin, “Why don’t you tie down your camel?” The Bedouin answered, “I placed my trust in Allah.” At that, the Prophet, sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam, said, ” Tie your camel and place your trust in Allah” – Tirmidhi

    To me, taqdeer is more than just having everything set out for us regardless of our actions or efforts. Maybe I’m completely off the mark, but the more I consider it the more I believe that the whole issue of taqdeer is very misunderstood. The above hadith is a prime example of this misunderstanding.

    The fact that everything is pre-ordained I do not dispute. How it is pre-ordained is where the interpretations come into play, and again, as can be seen from the above hadith, it is not a predetermined outcome regardless of your actions. Within the context of the original post, what would you say to the person who has been married and after trying their hardest, ended up being divorced? Divorce, although hated, is halaal. So are we suggesting that even that is predetermined? If so, where does our accountability start and where does it stop?

    Or perhaps we’ve got this entire perspective on taqdeer all wrong. Perhaps taqdeer comprises of rules and laws that determine the effect of every cause, or the reaction to every action. Perhaps, within this context, our limited free will allows us to choose the outcomes based on our choices, and the more informed our choices, the more predictable the outcome? In the absence of this relationship between cause and effect, our limited free will would be inconsequential, and subsequently, there would be no basis on which we are to be judged for what we do.

    So isn’t this romantic idea of marital bliss and perfect partners really an over-simplification of divine decree?

    (Source: http://reflectionofhumblemodesty.tumblr.com)

  • Importance of Marriage

    ‘When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.’

    said Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him)

    [Tirmidhi, Nasa’i and Ibn Majah transmitted it.]

    Hadith – Al-Tirmidhi #3090, Narrated Abu Hurairah, r.a.

    (via muhammadkhairyfarhan)

    I can think of many families of the most noble of social circles that spit in the face of this Hadith, some of which even have multiple Ulama within their lineage, and who seek titles and social standing over strength of character when choosing partners for their daughters.