Surah 17, verse 81. Absolutely one of my favourite verses given the amount of insincerity and dishonesty that plagues the world and our personal relationships these days. It serves as a good reminder at times when you may find yourself on the receiving end of a painful betrayal. Repeated recitation of this verse proved to be very comforting for me under such conditions.
Betrayal seems to be at the heart of 95% of all cases of mental ‘illness’. When I reflect on my life, especially the low points in my life, betrayal in some form or another was the driving force behind me not wanting to go on. But this betrayal was not always blatant, nor was it always a result of a romantic relationship.
Being betrayed by someone you love as a soul mate or companion in life just simply makes you want to kill, or die, or kill first and then die! But so often we seek affirmation from our partners to make up for the insecurities established in ourselves through interactions with a much broader audience of significant others, that I believe betrayal by a lover or partner is so much more hurtful and destructive, because we expose our fragility that much more.
But more often than not, the betrayal that is likely to set the wheels in motion for a healthy dose of mental ‘illness’ is experienced much earlier in life. Sometimes, I believe, it’s as early as when we’re still toddlers just growing into our conscious states. I often test my rationale around this by observing babies because that is the most innocent and sincere state any person can ever be in. They act purely out of instinct and respond entirely based on their inherent nature without having been tainted by life yet. While they may be selective about who they allow to cuddle them and comfort them, they nonetheless respond to those affections without restraint. But when they are shunned in deliberate ways by the care givers that they naturally expect such affection from, it starts building the sub-conscious processes required to protect themselves from such harshness which eventually manifests as defence mechanisms or survival instincts. The more the pattern is maintained throughout childhood and into adolescence, the more deeply ingrained this sense of emotional starvation becomes.
I think that the earlier in life that these experiences occur, the greater the chances are for teenagers and adults to be diagnosed with mental illnesses that seemingly have no direct correlation to their life’s experiences. For this reason, I believe that reflection and honest, sincere introspection is the greatest weapon we can employ in avoiding such a pitfall. But society seems to enforce the idea that unless you’re affirmed by others, you’re wrong or worthless. So in this process of reflection, we judge ourselves based on our perception of what is or is not appreciated by others and use that as a benchmark against which to determine our self-worth.
(Just some random thoughts I needed to write down)
Today
this morning
I regressed…
I missed the callous one
the one that taught me about betrayal and cowardice
about hypocrisy and pain
about futility
The pain of her Cesarean act
threatened to disembowel me once again
The void returned
and the hope and optimism receded out of fear
today
this morning
I yearned for love
but I’m left only with hate
and a tainted view of a life in limbo
embellished with rose-coloured recollections
of a life almost lived.
All these years I thought you were alone, but now,
laid open, it is clear two lost stars are burning into you.One keeps distant memories, art and travel, intimacy
echoed in a longing no longer yours to claim.The other is your nature in your time. Its heart is carnal,
quick, uneasy, its need to love and fear in drowning waves,and that silence you have carried like a dead limb all your life.
This reminds me of her…indeed the fear not to express the truth that lurks beneath is heavier than a dead limb…it must be…I can’t think of anything else that would drag someone so low that they would oppose every principle and every stated aspiration that they hold dear without reason or apparent motivation. Silence is far greater a destroyer of souls than any harsh words that could be uttered.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m depressed or am I just an ingrate. I usually get these thoughts annoying me when I’ve had yet another encounter with betrayal or insincerity.
Fear breeds cowardice as much as betrayal breeds hypocrisy. Or something like that…I think…I can’t really think clearly right now…not sure if it’s the lack of sleep, the distracting pain in my gut, or the untimely reminders of betrayals gone by.
I’ve realised that in this world, the spineless will always reign supreme in the end because they’re more adaptable than those that have a back bone. It’s so much easier to live a life as an un-tethered liberal. Stand for nothing, fall for anything, and never accept accountability for commitments, either implied or explicit.
If someone believes in you, that’s their problem. You never asked them to in the first place. Everyone bemoans the fact that they feel insignificant, unloved, unimportant, inconsequential, pathetic, alone, blah blah blah…but everyone is also always pushing away such love or care or concern or selfless commitment because it demands a reciprocation that is too constraining. We cry for companionship or understanding but then despise it when it comes in the wrong packaging.
What a laughable bunch we are, aren’t we?
Knowing you are loved will never be enough to ease the pain of betrayal of the one you loved, but hopefully it’s enough to keep you holding on long enough until you find the strength to lift your blood-drenched soul out of the cesspool of someone else’s heartlessness. Someone else’s spineless cowardice that is cloaked in shallow confidence aimed at appeasing the masses that only convinces those that are too ignorant to realise that it’s only a veneer and nothing more.
Being on the receiving end of the betrayal already confirms that you’re not part of that societal decay that is smothered in the rotting stench of insincerity and hypocrisy. It means that you had the courage to trust and to love selflessly. Being naive is beautiful. Being ignorant is not.
The spinelessness of some has indeed broken the backbone of others. Please…don’t let that be you. They’re simply not worth it, because it’s not their potential that matters, but their courage to be true to themselves that does. And if they lack that, then they don’t deserve you because they’ll always be selfish enough to take, but will always have reason enough to withhold. And no matter how much you believe in their potential, it means nothing if they don’t have the courage to believe in themselves. So don’t lose yourself in them. You’re worth more than they’ll ever be.
With love, from the jaded one.
it’s weird, realizing that we’re never going to find that one person who will understand us like we’ve always wanted to be understood.
Never say never…the trick is to be paying attention at the time that that person does come along, and be sure not to be distracted by the irrelevant, or the insignificant, or worse still the aesthetic. We’re so busy conjuring up images of perfection in what we’re looking for in someone that we want as a soul mate, or at least a true companion, that we forget to notice that those conjured images are focused on the packaging and not the substance.
We seek someone who will understand us, love us unconditionally, and accept us with all our flaws, but when they come along, we’re not willing to accept them because they’re not fair enough, trendy enough, cultured enough or socially acceptable enough, and all they end up being is a great person but…
So instead of conjuring up images of what the perfect partner will be like, wouldn’t that time be better spent realising what’s really important? We always seem to know what we want, but rarely what we need. In a time when sensationalism and masks are in vogue, it’s almost impossible to obtain a clarity of thought that would allow for a distinction between the mundane and the significant, the urgent and the important, or the reality from the dream.
This is not a critique of the original post, or the blogger…simply a vent of a passion that the post aroused within me. Thank you for sharing that thought.
A detached, uninterested look
is my favorite pick up line.
Rotting, oxidized plums
are my choice of fine wine.
Homeless streets and rotted benches
are my pick for a suitable bed.
He left love letters and Benjamins
on the floor for me to shred.
Without desire to destroy
I found myself so starved.
I didn’t realize I was empty
due to the hole that he had carved.
I wasn’t aware I longed for neglect
because that’s what I was used to.
I wasn’t aware I preferred the taste of poison
because it was the only flavor I knew.
I wasn’t aware I was comforted by danger
because after violence, came the embrace.
I wasn’t quite aware of anything until the
wounds healed and gone was his last trace.
