Blog

  • The Struggle Continues

    One thing that never seems to cease in life, well my life anyway, is my inability to prove my capability independent of the snide remarks of those around me. There’s more often than not someone ready to tell me why what I’m doing will not work or why I should be cautious, but never someone to just smile and believe in my ability to do something worthwhile in my life. Despite my failures or shortcomings, I’ve created a space for myself that is noteworthy to many, in spite of the lack of support or encouragement in anything beyond what directly affected those around me that needed something from me.

    My personal endeavours have always remained my personal endeavours, not for lack of sharing my ideas, ideals or aspirations, but simply because no one gave a damn to want to do anything more than what was absolutely the minimum requirement for their input without showing any inclination towards the final outcome, unless that final outcome benefited them. And so I continue in my struggle, but only with a different focus now. What used to be a struggle to earn the recognition or affirmation of those around me has now changed to be a struggle to achieve what my heart desires regardless of the opinions or views of others.

    I’ve finally accepted that I am different, and not in a narcissistic way, nor in a smug or arrogant way. But realistically and practically I am different from most around me. I desire different things as priorities in my life, I would rather be alone than be surrounded by insincere people, and I would rather stick out like a sore thumb than conform in the hope of obtaining approval from the insincere. And so I forge ahead without expecting a support structure to lean on, nor do I expect affirmation or encouragement from anyone, except to achieve a state that reassures me that I have created the best space possible for my daughters, and for myself, in spite of the challenges that have been dealt to me in life.

    I will not ask ‘Why me?’ but instead will proclaim ‘Why not!?”. Self pity is usually self-loathing in disguise, so I’ll be damned the day I feel pity for myself when in fact I have so much yet to offer, if not to those around me, then strangers who may never know me, but will hopefully benefit from my existence in a way only the Almighty will know how. And that is my saving grace in an ungracious world.

  • Trust

    Given my overactive and often morbid imagination my mind often plays out the worst case scenarios of even the best circumstances. So it’s easy to imagine exactly how torturous and depressing my thoughts can be when the odds are stacked against me. However, it’s precisely my knowledge of this inherent morbidity of mine that I need to establish a level of trust in humanity that has always bordered more on naivety than trust. But that’s assuming that I know the difference.

    I don’t. And that’s probably why I’ve had as colourful a life as I have. But the years eventually jades even the most optimistic of souls, and the boyish hopeful spirit in me eventually gets tampered with enough reality to create a healthy dose of cynicism, but coupled with the innate sense of idealistic optimism, it’s proven to have created a healthy balance for reflection at times when my soul is most troubled. But reflect or not, the dis-ease of my soul never subsides for long enough to allow any sense of peace to have a lasting effect.

    And so the trust I place in man, and more importantly the trust I place in the Almighty is all that I have to hold on to if I am to retain any sense of sanity in this insane world. Exhale! … it only seems to let the air out, but the toxins remain firmly lodged within.

  • Writer’s Block

    After feeling passionate about wanting to write about these blurbs that have been plaguing me for so long now, it seems as if the chatter in my head has reached fever pitch to the point where very little is actually filtering through to the conscious mind. I have so many thoughts racing through my head, yet can think of nothing worth sharing…not that this blog is being read by anyone…even invited guests don’t appear interested…maybe that’s partly the reason for the writer’s block. A friend once told me that the words and thoughts flow so much more naturally if the hearts it’s intended for are more receptive. Lots of truth in that. No hearts receptive for this drivel, no wonder the source is running dry with dust storms taking its place.

  • Suicide

    I don’t think people commit suicide just because they’ve given up on life…that would be too shallow a reason to do something so destructive. I think they commit suicide because they’ve given up hope of ever being significant in the lives of those they hold dear. Of course, there’s a huge crowd out there that have committed suicide of their souls a long time ago, and now walk around pretending to be full of purpose but in fact are waiting patiently for the end to arrive through a means other than at their own hands. They’re the cowards amongst us.

    They’re caught in a horrible web of trying to please those in whose lives they desire significance, but in fact lack the courage to be their own person. So instead, they cower in the face of opposition to their life’s yearnings and yield to the dictates of their significant others in the hope that that will allow them to be seen as significant after all. Little do they realise that it only diminishes their stature even further making the significance that they seek even more unattainable. Best to be true to yourself and let those that mind not matter, so that those that actually do matter will be able to embrace you for who you are.

  • Thoughting too much

    I started out on this blog intent on not turning it into a negative rant about what erks me in life, but rather to write blurbs about what’s quirky in life…I lose focus so easily…so here’s to another attempt at getting this right.

    I’ve chosen to recede from the rat race but not from life. I’ve decided to take active steps towards simplifying my life, reducing the debt and lowering my expectations of those around me, in the hope that I can return to a point in my life when things made sense, and most things were meaningful. Is this a prelude to a mid life crisis, or is it just a yearning to find some peace? Only time can answer that question…

  • Resilience

    Seeing a beautiful soul regain its wings is the most rewarding and fulfilling sight ever. The resilience of the human spirit is only ever dowsed by the deliberately destructive behaviour of our own choices. If we allow the spirit to be guided without dictation but instead through true reflection and trust in the One who created us, then how can the spirit ever falter in the face of resistance…or worse still, oppression? Allow yourself to be beautiful…if you don’t, you’ll be answerable for your crime against your soul.

  • Cynic’s Paradise

    I stumbled across a website recently that claims to be a sanctuary for cynics. I think they got it all wrong…there is no sanctuary for cynics, only platforms from which their exaggerated attempts to impress others while unintentionally exposing their desperation to be acceptable by those they admire but despise because they’ve never been deemed good enough in their natural state…and so the sour grapes descend and they resort to bitter discourses that belie the truth of their heart’s desires.

    Welcome cynics…if ever you run out of material to mock at, take a peek into my life, and you’ll be entertained for years to come…if not a lifetime or three…or four…or more…wateva

  • Who Cares?

    When afliction hits me, it’s so easy to slip into a state of self-pity, or more accurately self-loathing and dismiss everything of significance as nothing at all, simply because it seems like no one cares at all. I’ve often wondered how faith in a greater power may or may not affect this state of mind. Sometimes I think that if my faith is strong enough, I’ll always believe and be certain about the fact that everything that happens, happens for a good reason and that it’s probably saving me from something so much worse instead.

    Yet other times I think that maybe it’s just happening because I don’t deserve any better, in which case it’s not that I was saved from something worse, but rather denied something better because I am simply not good enough to earn the good that I’m yearning for. But through it all, no matter how low I sink, I can’t stop myself from caring about a beautiful soul, no matter how much that soul may have damaged me in the process of them not believing in themself, or in me.

    So I guess after all is said and done, I do care…and I hate myself for it more often than not because it sets a false expectation that I can expect someone to want to reciprocate it at some point…maybe I’m just an ingrate by nature and haven’t realised it yet.