Category: Random Thoughts

  • The institute of dishonesty is older and more pervasive than religion.

  • seinedoll replied to your post: Personal Reflections

    Cheer up please! Everything is in your head.

    🙂 thanks…it is mostly in my head…except for the weight gain! That’s definitely not in my head! I decided tonight that I’ll write the story of me…if not for any reason other than the hope that it will lighten the burden of the realities that I hold inside that have yet to be shared with anyone around me. 

    Time will tell…the ghosts of lifetimes past never quite leave. They just saunter around in the shadows waiting for a moment of weakness or a lull in your spirits, before they surge straight through you, leaving you bewildered, without any trace of their presence, except the hints of remorse, regret, hope and most often, disbelief. Disbelief at how sincere naivety could be ridiculed as stupidity because I lacked the faculties to be suspicious. Bah!

    The greatest challenge has never been about moving forward. That’s easy. The difficulty lies in trusting that others will receive your efforts positively so that you can realise those goals that will provide the much needed comfort and companionship. But when most are inclined to judge without knowledge, the most noble of endeavours, or even the greatest of achievements fade into a heap of social worthlessness that threatens to disembowel you had it not been for the fact that such social appraisals are inconsequential to your sanity. 

    But sanity isn’t much to celebrate at times when it’s not able to be shared. And this is turning out to be far too morbid, so it’s time for me to shut it. 🙂

  • Personal Reflections

    I’ve realised recently that I’ve been distracted. These distractions have worn me down to a point of almost total lethargy and painful effort to do almost anything constructive. I’ve succumbed to the same self-defeating tendencies that I’ve always encouraged others to simply snap out of. Worse still is that I realise that this is what I’m doing, yet I lack any significant motivation to change it.

    I’ve put on weight to the point where my clothes are uncomfortable and my body aches from the awkwardness of being out of proportion. Compensating for the shift in my centre of gravity is causing my back to ache leaving me feeling as if I should be preparing for old age. Death has been a constant thread in my thought patterns, but not morbidly so. Just the realisation of how much will continue regardless of my absence, and who would be left abandoned in some way or another as a result of my untimely departure. 

    None of this is outwardly visible of course, with the exception of the obvious weight gain. The headaches are more frequent, the joints almost groan involuntarily and my fingers ache. They actually ache as if they’re under constant strain or as if I’ve jammed them into a door. All of these aches and pain remind me that I’m suppressing my true nature because I’ve grown too weary and jaded to venture into another battlefield not knowing how I’ll fare. 

    I’ve been seriously contemplating writing that novel, or at least starting with a short story titled The Story of Me. The more I think of it the more I realise how much there is to write about. There isn’t time to finish these thoughts. There’s rarely time to finish anything these days. But somehow I’ve managed to hold it all together and be productive at the same time. But very little of it has been a true joy. Although I refuse to make it feel like a total burden either. 

    I recently planned a weekend away to one of the most beautiful parts of the country, but cancelled at the last minute because I didn’t have the energy to make the 5 hour drive to get there. This from a man that used to drive 16 hours straight with only fuel stops and accompanied by nothing but his own thoughts and a simple appreciation for the beautiful landscapes on the journey. 

    I’ve grown old without realising it. I feel like I’m 90, battle fatigued, and waiting for peace. 

  • ❁

    Something that makes me smile – literally witnessing someone finally shrugging off the weight of betrayal and believing in themselves again. Very little else makes me smile these days. But that never fails to put a smile on my face no matter how down I’m feeling. Probably because I’ve been on the receiving end of it so often, that I can relate very intensely to the pain that betrayal brings with it.

  • ✌✓♬ — was it posted? it looks blank, but peace sign, check mark, musical note.

    Yeah, it posted. 🙂

    Childhood memory – driving in an orange VW bug to the rural area of KwaZulu Natal in South Africa with my uncle on our way to a little farm town where we often spent our December holidays. It was my grandfather’s place. But the most poignant part of the memory is the soundtrack of Staying Alive playing on the cassette player. Till today those songs trigger a strong sense of nostalgia.

    Something weird about myself – I was watching Monk with my niece recently, and she exclaimed “Who notices stuff like that???” when Monk described the detail of a particular pebble that he had seen in his psych’s room. And I responded by saying, “Me!” She just said “Oh…” and was quiet after that. I notice these painful details and can work them back into a conversation with such ease that I usually get weird looks from people in the process. 

    Song that takes me to a memory – This actually happened last night when I was flipping channels on TV looking for news on what’s happening in Greece, and one of the stations had Ghost on. The theme song Unchained Melody was playing. That was a bitter sweet moment. It reminded me of the person I was intending to marry, who subsequently stabbed me in the back because her parents didn’t approve, despite her intense disapproval of her parent’s views.

  • A Brain Dump…

    The ebb and flow of life is often a distraction. I’m simple at heart, and therefore desire constancy. But the only constancy that is offered is the unpredictability of me. In the absence of knowing what awaits me at the next turn, I’ve tried to maintain my own disposition on an even keel. But I’m so easily distracted that I betray this composure within moments of achieving it.

    Overtly I deny the need for affirmation, but internally I find ways to seek it out whilst appearing to be independent and aloof. I shy away from open praise but take joy from seeing wilful engagement that is unsolicited from others. I choose to see that as a reflection of my significance in the eyes of others, even though most only engage for the novelty value rather than a deeply ingrained sense of appreciation or gratitude. 

    My intensely introspective approach to life has made me somewhat of a novelty to the point where I don’t expect any sincere interaction, relationship or even friendship to extend beyond a few months. It generally takes a few months for someone to solicit all the insight they desire about themselves from me before it becomes a tedious exercise. Then, they either drift away from boredom, or they actively resist the revealing interactions because they begin to realise how vulnerable they are in front of me. 

    I’m a novelty on a shelf in a china shop. The shelf way up on top that is out of reach because I’m deemed too fragile for most to know how to handle me, but I provide an interesting, if not simply curious reflection of the one that beholds me. So occasionally there will be a brave adventurous soul, often troubled and seeking answers about themselves, catching the reflections that I cast, that reach out to take a closer look. But while I’m enjoying them looking at me, they’re in fact looking at themselves within me. 

  • Astral Travelling

    I want to astral travel. It’s something that has fascinated me all my life, and for some reason I was reminded about it again tonight. But my mind is always racing these days, so I’ll never be able to achieve the meditative state that will make it possible. But I want to do it really badly. This physical form just doesn’t hold much appeal for me any longer. 

    I want to be able to voluntarily step outside of my body and observe the world through untethered eyes. I want to see how truly enslaved we are by our physical form so that I can appreciate every vision that I behold of spaces I’ll never be able to fill. I don’t just want to dream. I want to will myself to travel through the earth without boundaries, or limitations in movement or passage. I want to liberate my spirit from my physical form so that I can immerse myself into the beauty of the physical form. 

    It’s always in the absence of something that it is appreciated, and perhaps the same will be true for my body. I’m not unappreciative for my health and my physical abilities. I consider myself blessed in every way. But this will give me an insight and appreciation that would otherwise not be possible. I want to rise above myself, deliberately and consciously. But not permanently, just yet.

  • Politically Incorrect

    After watching a documentary produced by CNN on Islamophobia in America, I was unwittingly reminded of the dark days of apartheid in my home country. I recalled a specific incident when I was working as a network technician in one of the branches of a leading bank. I was behind the bullet proof window separating the teller from the customers when a black man was standing in line waiting his turn and minding his own business. Close to him was an unkempt white lady probably in her 50’s who would generally have been classified as Jerry Springer material had she been living in the US.

    Through some mishap, the black man’s arm brushed against this woman sending her into an absolutely frenzied state hurling the most vile and abusive language at this black man who just stood there and watched, along with everyone else including me, in absolute amazement. The stunned silence in the banking hall didn’t dissuade this woman at all. Her ignorant venom just kept spewing out as if she was possessed with no control whatsoever over her emotional state. Such blind hatred was the result of generations of brainwashing by an elitist white regime that violently oppressed the non-white majority of the country because they believed that the bible said they should.

    The only difference I see between them and the Islamaphobes today is that it didn’t take generations of brainwashing or divine inspiration but simply a single despicable event the perpetrators of which have never been subjected to a fair trial, nor have the outcomes of official investigations been revealed. Yet the same blind rage and hatred that existed in apartheid South Africa still exists in a populace that refuse to see the truth of their own leaders. The only chilling conclusion I can draw from this is that if they choose not to see the error of their own ways willingly, they may have to succumb to the same kind of pain and agony that South Africa experienced before the darkness of apartheid was finally lifted.