Tag: Life

  • Insincerity

    Salvation is in sincerity (Arabic calligraphy by Muhammed Zakariya)

    Salvation is in sincerity – (Arabic calligraphy by Muhammed Zakariya)

    I’m not quite sure which is worse, the insincerity of someone pretending to love, or that of someone pretending not to…the former still has the potential to create some good, because even if we develop a sense of belonging or a feeling of being needed based on a false premise, as long as its maintained, there’s good in it, and no matter how destructive the ultimate realisation of it being false, it can never eradicate the good that was already experienced while it was being experienced…whereas in the case of being insincere in pretending not to love someone, the good that already exists is being smothered, destroying both hope and souls in the process. 

  • The story of that (empty) house

     


    This house,

    no, THAT house

    held many things.
    In it’s wall grew

    a tangle of thoughts, emotions, musings wanderings,

    knotted together with desire, hope, love and courage

    decaying with anger, misunderstanding, insecurity and indifference
    This house,

    no, THAT house

    was built on a strong

    yet unsteady foundation

    of fascination
    That house (yes, I’ve learnt it now)

    burned down with anger.

    Bellowing flames

    pouring out of tiny windows.

    The smoke rose in great, dense clouds

    roared and flared

    light bulbs exploded,

    windows shattered

    doors burst open

    in and out

    in and out.

     

    The occupants inside singed their throats with their screaming.

    Burnt their hands with their clawing, their frustration, their anger.
    Huffed and Puffed

    and blew THAT house

    down.
    All the while the fire raged on

    (simmered, then raged, then simmered, then had to be kindled)
    And one day

    the fire died

    (as all fires usually do)
    And there was nothing but a quiet creaking house, swaying in the wind.
    Lonely on a hill

    Crooked

    Bent

    ……….
    The one weeps

    for tangled thoughts

    and knotted words

    and buried hopes

    and heavy silences that stretch

    the damp walls of an insane house

    with no occupants

    except one crazy heart

    and one reluctant fool

    who leaves and returns

    with nothing on that tongue

    but caution and lust.

    The one weeps
    For these crazy occupants

    with tangled emotions

    and knotted words

    who neither love nor hate

    Nor stand nor sit

    who hover somewhere

    between heaven and hell
    The one walks through the house

    Running fingers over peeling wallpaper

    Inspects burnt floorboards

    Stopping to listen

    to creaking eaves

    rustles in the attic

    a faint voice of the imagination,

    runs a finger over dust on the mantelpiece

    sits on the floor,

    suddenly.
    Weeps
    for the blood-stained floor

    the splintered drawers

    of past-battles

    forgotten
    the notes etched in the walls

    the whispers hanging in the rafters

    the sighs pressed against the windows
    The house groans

    waiting to fall

    waiting for the one to walk out

    and shut the door behind

    so that it may collapse

    peacefully

    quietly
    finally
    as if it had never existed

    as if the walls did not hold stories

    as if the rooms did not hold thoughts

    as if the ceilings did not hold secrets

    as if the carpets did not hold pain

    as if the house did not hold love
    As if it had never existed.

  • Words often fail me when my heart is overwhelmed. It seems that only my arms could ever express my true yearning for her, and only my lips would be able to provide an indication of the passion that I feel when I think of her. She is, and always has been, from the moment I first laid eyes on her, my one and only true love. 

    She has taken me to heights of happiness and absolute enchantment that I didn’t dream existed in this world. I live for her, I ache for her, I yearn for her, and I feel incomplete without her. And despite not having any assurance that we could ever be anything more than we are now, I cannot live for anyone but her. She is my love, she is my angel, she is my all…and my everything. I live for her, I love for her. (Cynically Jaded)

  • Lilies in love…the natural arch of her body leaning unconsciously into mine, without restraint, nor with surrender, just leaning and taking comfort. Not a word need be uttered. Just a simple expression of the heart so sincere that never a word could describe. 

    This photo was taken in April 2010 at the Kruger Park Lodge in Mpumalanga, South Africa. (c) Cynically Jaded

  • Beyond the difficult path lies an ocean of joy, comfort and peace, just waiting for you to embrace it with all the love and devotion your heart yearns to express. But you must want it, or else it will forever elude you. 

    This photo was taken in Cape Town. It features a stranded cargo ship in the Table Bay area with an approaching storm. ~ September 2009 (c) Cynically Jaded

  • We judge by appearance because it requires a lot less energy and conviction, and it doesn’t make us vulnerable in the process. If we were to look too closely, we may acquire the responsibility of caring and that is far too daunting in a soul-less world. So let’s stare from afar, judge without knowledge, and hide the essence of ourselves so that we can maintain our defenses, existing until it’s too late to be discovered. And then dying regretting that we weren’t.

    Cynically Jaded

  • Who needs to dream?

    So it’s time to give up on another
    dream…or maybe more accurately – dreams, since so many of them have been
    inextricably intertwined in my latest halucinations. 2010 is definitely a year
    worth remembering and forgetting all at the same time.
    The lows…recovering from the fire that wiped out the cottage, and the mess and
    financial havoc that went with it…let alone the personal strife and
    trauma…the accident with the beemer and again, the financial havoc that went
    with it. Then there was the job front that showed me my rear end…so I started
    out 2011 unemployed, and seemingly unemployable since a matric certificate from 22 years ago apparently trumps 20 years of exhaustive effort, amazing achievements and solid experience in an area of IT that most people suck at.
    Once again being estranged from my eldest daughter because of the twisted bitchiness of her deranged mother that thinks that it’s a sure fire way to get me to take her back. Sick bitch. And how could I leave out being dumped a million times over because of my undesirable level of social unacceptability rather than because I’m undesirable. So that confirms that I’m supposedly unemployable and unmarry-able if the latest opinions of me are to be deemed authoritative. Not that it differs much from previous opinions that were offered in this regard.
    So the highs would be…the untimely death of my ex-wife…unashamedly a positive event in my life, only to leave me with one of the greatest challenges in her wake as well. Pun intended. My younger daughter now living with me so that I can fend off wave after wave of ridiculous accusations from her grandparents about abuse, neglect, kidnapping and who knows what else…followed by bare-fanged ingratitude and venom from people I always suspected of insincerity but assumed the best of anyway. So much for the highs…launched an online business that has yet to make a single sale (other than my own purchase) in more than 4 months! Yet another financial disaster.
    And so it continues…and now, to give up on the dreams that I shaped around this home in which I invested heavily in time, money and a lot of hard work and sweat! But without the job, there can be no house to call my own, and so, as before, just as I grow comfortable or optimistic about establishing a really homely environment for myself and my family, it’s got to go, and I need to start again. Only this time, I have no inclination to start again…only a need to curl up and die and hope that that will be the end of it. But such good fortune does not await me…it would be too easy.
    And suicide is not an option either…so here goes nothing…again. I’m starting to feel like that tree in the forest that falls and no one hears…which makes its fall irrelevant and inconsequential.
  • My True Worth

    I used to openly discuss my income with people close to me. It was purely an academic discussion on my part, but was often misconstrued by even my closest family members as being an indication of my views about my worth relative to their own. Too often we base the value of our self worth on how much we earn or what level of comfort and luxury we’re able to provide for ourselves and those we’re responsible for. I don’t discuss my income anymore.

    Being unemployed for almost four months now is slowly but surely eroding my self esteem and my optimism. I grapple with the idea of whether or not I’m worthy to continue to receive the mercy and blessings that I’ve had in my life despite my struggles, or have I run out of credit to claim any more from that source? I’ve felt less than inspired for a long time now to write anything, with yesterday having spawned the first post in almost a month.

    My idealism persists, but the overwhelming need for affirmation from the one I love threatens to smother her as well. I would not normally need so much affirmation because my ability to provide a comfortable home and life for those around me would provide me with the sense of significance that my soul needs. But with my resources steadily running out, and downsizing looking like a very real possibility, it’s difficult to keep focused or even productive. I’m not even sure what the point of this post is.

    Am I worthy? I hope I am. I guess if I don’t believe that I am, then there’d be very little reason for anyone else to see my worth either. There’s such a thin line between believing in yourself and being an egotist. I need to remind myself what I’m passionate about without waiting for someone else to rekindle those sparks for me. Most often no one wants to take on that responsibility because it demands that they be there to support you through the process as well. Life is too demanding and often too damaging for most of us to allow anyone the capacity to take on the burdens of another.

    My worth cannot be defined by people, because people are fickle and selfish by nature. Nor can my worth be defined by my income because that is never guaranteed, nor always consistent. My worth is not defined by my friends or my family because they’re not in a position to judge my intentions or sincerity, only my actions. So my worth can only truly be judged by the One who sustains me, and in a smaller way, by me. My sense of self worth can only be established through selfless service to those around me. Whether my contribution is appreciated or not is not what defines me. But that I contribute, sacrifice and enrich other’s lives willingly is what had always brought joy to me, and has always given me reason to sleep peacefully at night, even if spurned by those that I serve the most.

    So am I worthy? Yes, I think I am. What am I worthy of? Well, that’s a topic for another day’s philosophical musings.