Blog

  • Awesome!

    Drakensburg mountain range in KZN (South Africa)

    The only word that comes to mind when trying to describe the view I recently took in on a mountain pass through the Drakensburg range is what my 5 year old daughter used to describe every awe-inspiring thought, sight or experience she was exposed to. Awesome! What wasn’t so awesome was stepping back and looking at the litter strewn across the ground as a token of appreciation of the beauty that we have around us. Consumerism sucks. And it’s permeating our lives to the point where we’re totally oblivious to the massive imbalance between what we consume versus what we contribute.

    This balance is not only important to the environment, it’s ever more critical for our sense of well being. Trouble is, most of us have barely experienced a wholesome life style at all, so it’s almost impossible for us to realise that there’s so much missing to begin with. Stop for a minute. Try to notice something ordinary that’s extraordinary. Stop being so nonchalant about the beauty in the simple things in life so that you can appreciate it while you have the health and presence of mind to do so, rather than wait until you’re too old and feeble to enjoy it and you’re left staring at it from afar because your limbs just can’t carry you there anymore.

    Life is being wasted while we’re amusing ourselves with our own ingenuity. What we take for granted today, is almost always a source of intense regret tomorrow. Don’t be part of the crowd on this one. This is one time when standing out is not about your ego, or public image, but about enriching your life in simple yet profound ways.

    Quick hit list to be less jaded:

    1. Smell the coffee in the morning, don’t just drink it because you need a boost
    2. Close your eyes and absorb the relief you feel the next time an unexpected breeze brushes past your face, or blows through your hair (If you have no hair to blow through, then you need this more than ever!)
    3. Appreciate the quirks of your partner, and remember what attracted you to them, rather than growing irritable and annoyed at the fact that they don’t always get what you’re saying
    4. Smile at yourself, even laugh if you really did something stupid enough to warrant it. You don’t have to have it together all the time.
    5. Be human
    6. Be unpredictable
    7. Be original
    8. Be true to yourself
    9. Be sincere
    10. Be you, and stop trying to be someone you think others will like

    So back to appreciating the beauty around us. If you don’t appreciate it now, there’ll be hardly any left for your kids or your grand kids to appreciate later. Wouldn’t it be sad if all they have to remember the bounties of nature is well constructed computer animations or photos that their grand parents took back in the day?

    I’m sure ‘someone’ else will come along to pick up after me, huh?

    If you have no inclination to appreciate what beauty abounds in nature, at least do no harm to it so that those that follow will not be left with your tainted view of the world.

  • My True Worth

    I used to openly discuss my income with people close to me. It was purely an academic discussion on my part, but was often misconstrued by even my closest family members as being an indication of my views about my worth relative to their own. Too often we base the value of our self worth on how much we earn or what level of comfort and luxury we’re able to provide for ourselves and those we’re responsible for. I don’t discuss my income anymore.

    Being unemployed for almost four months now is slowly but surely eroding my self esteem and my optimism. I grapple with the idea of whether or not I’m worthy to continue to receive the mercy and blessings that I’ve had in my life despite my struggles, or have I run out of credit to claim any more from that source? I’ve felt less than inspired for a long time now to write anything, with yesterday having spawned the first post in almost a month.

    My idealism persists, but the overwhelming need for affirmation from the one I love threatens to smother her as well. I would not normally need so much affirmation because my ability to provide a comfortable home and life for those around me would provide me with the sense of significance that my soul needs. But with my resources steadily running out, and downsizing looking like a very real possibility, it’s difficult to keep focused or even productive. I’m not even sure what the point of this post is.

    Am I worthy? I hope I am. I guess if I don’t believe that I am, then there’d be very little reason for anyone else to see my worth either. There’s such a thin line between believing in yourself and being an egotist. I need to remind myself what I’m passionate about without waiting for someone else to rekindle those sparks for me. Most often no one wants to take on that responsibility because it demands that they be there to support you through the process as well. Life is too demanding and often too damaging for most of us to allow anyone the capacity to take on the burdens of another.

    My worth cannot be defined by people, because people are fickle and selfish by nature. Nor can my worth be defined by my income because that is never guaranteed, nor always consistent. My worth is not defined by my friends or my family because they’re not in a position to judge my intentions or sincerity, only my actions. So my worth can only truly be judged by the One who sustains me, and in a smaller way, by me. My sense of self worth can only be established through selfless service to those around me. Whether my contribution is appreciated or not is not what defines me. But that I contribute, sacrifice and enrich other’s lives willingly is what had always brought joy to me, and has always given me reason to sleep peacefully at night, even if spurned by those that I serve the most.

    So am I worthy? Yes, I think I am. What am I worthy of? Well, that’s a topic for another day’s philosophical musings.

  • I’m Thankful…or am I?

    Gratitude is not simply a state of mind, but rather a state of being. Appreciating someone but restraining yourself from openly expressing it, verbally or otherwise, is of no use to them, and only sows the seeds of selfishness in your own heart. True appreciation would result in a willingness to acknowledge the impact that someone else’s efforts or contribution has on your life. Anything less cannot be appreciation. If we are willing to consume, then we must also be willing to contribute as well. Otherwise we introduce an imbalance in our lives that can never lead to healthy relationships. Don’t let your fear of allowing significant others into your personal space result in the destruction of beauty in your life.

  • Spare The Rod…No!

    I’ve tried taking the ‘new age’ approach to raising a child, and the major flaw in the approach is the assumption that the child is a willing and co-operative participant. The result of the child not being that way inclined, and the adult persisting in the same approach will inevitably result in an adult with a dented ego and a nearly non-existent self-esteem.

    I am a product of my upbringing (as I’m so often reminded by a dear friend). And the way I turned out, from a discipline and behaviour perspective, I believe is admirable, if the constant acknowledgements from family and strangers alike are anything to go by. I haven’t succumbed to the temptation of drugs, alcoholism, promiscuity, delinquency or violent behaviour, to mention a few vices, and I pray that I never will. My point is that a large part of this discipline that I have is directly related to the strict measures that were taken in my upbringing.

    If I didn’t respond in a respectable manner to an adult, or didn’t comply with a reasonable request from an adult, or if I back-chatted or told lies, I got the belt against my butt quicker than I could say ‘Eina!’. So it’s this same upbringing that prompts me to consider why it is that suddenly ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ is encouraged, only so that the same adults can hold their heads in their hands crying about their wayward teenagers later in life? Why is it that suddenly all the measures taken to raise us into responsible human beings are being rubbished by liberalists who focus on research and studies in abstract but have yet to raise their own kids in a very hostile world?

    The bed wetting continues with my daughter, although her overall demeanour has improved considerably. The conundrum that I face right now is simply this: If kids are allowed to simply outgrow their bad habits, what lesson is that really teaching them? Are we then saying that it’s acceptable for them to do what they want when they’re ready to do it, or is it our responsibility to teach them that compliance is not always an option that they have a choice in, but that at times they must comply even if it’s not something they like doing? I’d much rather establish more controls up front and then teach them how to let go later, than to struggle with an overly indulgent teenager who thinks that conformance to certain moral standings is repressive and that dabbling in controlled substances is a freedom of expression.

    The liberals have gotten our world into the sad state that it’s in. The extremists are pushing us further down the same ridiculous path. There is a desperate need for moderation in the way we raise our children. But in the absence of any principled leadership to guide new parents in this process, it’s difficult to see an end to this destructive cycle. Adults need to stop looking for affirmation from their children about their child-rearing skills and instead look to the living examples of others that have raised respectable and responsible members of society. That way, chances are that they won’t back down from disciplining their children just because they’re afraid their kids won’t love them.

    In my experience I’ve always found one consistent truth with kids. They need boundaries and rules. And when things go bad for them, they polarise towards those adults or role models that established healthy boundaries with them and not towards the ones that were liberal and chose to spoil them at every turn. The balance we need to strike is to create opportunities for them to express themselves creatively and actively, but always cognisant of the fact that there are boundaries beyond which their behaviour encroaches on the rights and feelings of others. It’s this sense of responsibility that will hold them in good stead throughout their lives.

  • Prayer or Worship?

    Perhaps if we worshipped more and prayed less, we may find that we’ll have less reason to pray and more reason to worship.

    That’s not as cryptic as it may sound. Worship, to me, is acknowledging the greatness of the Almighty and His power to make anything happen in your life. Prayer on the other hand, is submitting your needs to Him and hoping that you’re worthy of it being accepted. If this is an agreeable definition, then it stands to reason that the more we choose to recognise His mercy and blessings in our lives, the more likely we are to be inclined to show appreciation for it through worship, rather than to constantly overlook our blessings and focus on our needs that we need to pray for.

    But, we’re human, so we will err, and we will forget, and that is why in His eternal compassion, He has made available to us the channel of prayer at times when we find it difficult to acknowledge our blessings and are instead distracted by our needs or wants.

  • Never Mock A Reward Chart

    In my efforts to be the best mom I could be, I lost sight of the simple truths of parenting. Kids don’t care about sophisticated approaches, or logical explanations, nor do they give a damn about listening to long drawn out explanations about why they’re not getting what they want because of something they did a week ago. For them it’s simple…instant gratification.

    After struggling for some time now, with much therapy sessions and co-opting critically influential family figures in my efforts to get my daughter to break the nasty habit of bed wetting, I finally decided to try out the one simple option that I had been skeptical about for months. A reward chart. On the one hand, I initially dismissed the idea because I thought it lacked any bite given that she didn’t seem to care what my perception was of her. However, I think that the process we followed with her had merit at every step of the way, even if it did not directly impact the final outcome.

    The trauma therapy was needed to establish a baseline of her state of mind after losing her mother. It created a safe environment for her to feel comfortable to break the ice and start expressing the thoughts and emotions that were haunting/taunting her little soul. And it provided me with important insight into her world so that I didn’t go off assuming that her non-compliance was simply stubbornness or disrespect for authority. I chose to stop the therapy when the therapist confirmed that there were no remaining issues related to emotional trauma, but rather behavioural issues that she needed to outgrow.

    That’s when the hard work started. Not only was it difficult to look beyond my own ego when dealing with her, but it was almost impossible to restrain the disciplinarian in me when it needed to be restrained the most. To eliminate the possibilities of what may have been causing the bed wetting, we had her examined by a GP as well, who found that she did indeed have an infection which could exacerbate any bladder control problems. So all of these interventions contributed to the overall roadmap towards weaning her off this distasteful habit.

    At the start of writing this post, she had completed three full days without incident. However, I just heard that she once again had an ‘accident’ while playing. Her simple explanation is that she didn’t want to go to the toilet when the need arose, and I’m not sure if this is a good sign that she’s at least not lying about her reasons, or is it the start of another bout of stubbornness. What goes on in her head is still such a mystery in so many ways, and where I find myself easily interpreting the behaviour and underlying motivation for actions in kids and adults alike, I’m struggling with her. Are the remnants of anger that I still feel towards her mother preventing me from seeing her as an individual? Or am I still looking at her through muddied spectacles pre-empting every negative action or behavioural pattern as being a sign of her potential to grow up like the troubled character that her mother was? Either way, I need to get beyond this.

    I cannot afford to give her mother any further power over me from beyond the grave, nor can I afford to lose patience or give up in trying to establish a meaningful level of interaction between my daughter and I. But all this is definitely easier said than done. Is it my fear of failure that’s preventing me from accepting accountability in resolving this mess, or is it frustration at never having been able to get through to her mother that’s preventing me from wanting to extend myself that far with my daughter?

    I know it’s not fair on her, and I know it’s not right to expect a 5 year old to be fully accountable for all their actions since they’re still developing their abilities of reason, logic and the understanding of choices and the related cause and effect. But the stubborn adult in me believes that if I explained it gently and simply to her at least 10 times already, I have a reasonable expectation of her to understand and comply! Am I being stubborn or unreasonable, or am I correct in persisting in this way so that she realises that she needs to take this more seriously? Of course, that assumes that she realises what the fuss is all about anyway.

    I guess this excerpt from http://www.bedwettingfaq.com/ sums it up quite well:

    There are some experts who have pointed out that bed wetting could be a “vicious” cycle. If stress causes the child to wet the sheets, this could also cause serious stress to the parents. Stressed out parents could distress children more and even make the situation worse. There are studies showing that punishing and shaming children because of bed wetting could actually, increase nighttime accidents. This would eventually lead to more punishment and shaming. This could cause serious problems with the child’s confidence and self-esteem.

  • The Road Ahead

    Enough said…

  • The Struggle Continues

    After much deliberation, doubt and a healthy dose of humble pie, I finally compiled a reward chart for my daughter. This is the last straw. So far, she has responded positively to it and actually engaged me on the subject in genuinely trying to understand how it works, what it means, what happens next, and even started owning up to lies she had said the day before because she wanted me to place a big fat red X in those blocks instead of the gold stars that I got for her good behaviour. So far, so good.

    If I wasn’t stubborn and stopped being the disciplinarian for a second, but instead stepped back and looked at the situation like a concerned parent first, I would’ve saved myself a lot of frustration and anger. But this is how life’s lessons are learnt. Let’s hope she learns the lesson that I so desperately want her to learn so that I can start considering sending her off for the weekend so that I can finally have some ‘me’ time and take a break from this single-mom routine!

    I often think of the story that every parent experiences where they go out and buy the most elaborately fascinating toy for their child that cost a pretty packet, only to discover the child discarding the toy and playing with the box it came in instead. We often over-complicate the needs of our children, more because we feel as if we’re inadequate if we do something that seems mediocre, as opposed to splashing out and believing that we’re selfless and committed parents in doing so. But we forget that the sophistication of options that appeal to us is often, if not most of the time, lost on our kids. It’s when we persist without noticing this that we instill the values of bling in them.

    I guess it’s a natural tendency in most parents to want their children to live the childhood that they never had. However, we forget too easily that it’s that same childhood of ours that made us into the adults that we are, and if we’re not comfortable with how we turned out, splashing out on our children is not about to change that. Retail therapy never sorts out the root cause of our demons ever. So instead of hiding behind our children, we need to have the courage to accept our shortcomings and take positive steps towards becoming the adults that we wish our children to be.

    Like the old saying goes, our kids were made for a different time from ours, so we shouldn’t expect them to behave as we did. Can someone please remind me of this often!?