Hold tight heart,
I just tipped toed
across the sea
against the current
and waves,
with the monsters
in it’s depths,
to come find you,
for you stole away
from me
in the middle of the night
and ended up in his hands.
I need to keep you
locked up, and safe.
Just for now.
Blog
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fadingiridescence:
I wonder how he will strip me from myself,taking off my clothes: shoes, socks, pants, shirt, and my undergarments—with his hands, will they shake as they bear my skin,will his eyes see past society’s lies, will they feast on my body,my most insecure curves, my scars from my past.Will I help…
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Sadly, the pursuit to happiness always ends on someone’s door step and more often than not, the locks are changed.
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Who needs to dream?
So it’s time to give up on another
dream…or maybe more accurately – dreams, since so many of them have been
inextricably intertwined in my latest halucinations. 2010 is definitely a year
worth remembering and forgetting all at the same time.The lows…recovering from the fire that wiped out the cottage, and the mess and
financial havoc that went with it…let alone the personal strife and
trauma…the accident with the beemer and again, the financial havoc that went
with it. Then there was the job front that showed me my rear end…so I started
out 2011 unemployed, and seemingly unemployable since a matric certificate from 22 years ago apparently trumps 20 years of exhaustive effort, amazing achievements and solid experience in an area of IT that most people suck at.Once again being estranged from my eldest daughter because of the twisted bitchiness of her deranged mother that thinks that it’s a sure fire way to get me to take her back. Sick bitch. And how could I leave out being dumped a million times over because of my undesirable level of social unacceptability rather than because I’m undesirable. So that confirms that I’m supposedly unemployable and unmarry-able if the latest opinions of me are to be deemed authoritative. Not that it differs much from previous opinions that were offered in this regard.So the highs would be…the untimely death of my ex-wife…unashamedly a positive event in my life, only to leave me with one of the greatest challenges in her wake as well. Pun intended. My younger daughter now living with me so that I can fend off wave after wave of ridiculous accusations from her grandparents about abuse, neglect, kidnapping and who knows what else…followed by bare-fanged ingratitude and venom from people I always suspected of insincerity but assumed the best of anyway. So much for the highs…launched an online business that has yet to make a single sale (other than my own purchase) in more than 4 months! Yet another financial disaster.And so it continues…and now, to give up on the dreams that I shaped around this home in which I invested heavily in time, money and a lot of hard work and sweat! But without the job, there can be no house to call my own, and so, as before, just as I grow comfortable or optimistic about establishing a really homely environment for myself and my family, it’s got to go, and I need to start again. Only this time, I have no inclination to start again…only a need to curl up and die and hope that that will be the end of it. But such good fortune does not await me…it would be too easy.And suicide is not an option either…so here goes nothing…again. I’m starting to feel like that tree in the forest that falls and no one hears…which makes its fall irrelevant and inconsequential. -
Suicide of a Romantic
What is it that stops us from affirming others while they’re alive, as opposed to waiting for their demise before singing their praises? Perhaps we’re afraid of being held accountable for our kind thoughts which denies us that ever convenient exit of ‘I knew it’ or ‘I told you so’ or ‘I should’ve known better’? Or maybe we lack the belief in our own virtues and would rather not have people peering so closely that they may see in us what we despise about ourselves?
Maybe it’s just that we’re so afraid of being hurt, that we’ll do anything to prevent others from getting too close, so that we don’t ever give them a view of how much they mean to us? That would give them far too much power to hurt or manipulate us. So instead, we create our defenses and do it so well that we end up believing that how we present ourselves to others is all we have to offer.
Heaven forbid we should live a romantic life. It is possible you know. To live a romantic life and still remain functional and practical about all life’s challenges. But it’s easier to fit in with the jaded crowds than to be true to ourselves, because the risk of failure is too great a source for potential embarrassment. POTENTIAL embarrassment. But the reality of the joy that we’ll experience if we lived romantically now will forever escape us because of our fear of embracing what we desire, lest it be stripped away from us in an untimely fashion.
So we set ourselves up for heartache and failure, all the while pretending to be comforted by our superficial success in worldly endeavours, ensuring that not another living soul will ever see the romantic fool in us for fear of being mocked or ridiculed for that which is closest to our hearts. So fear drives us to suppress the romance, and embellish the facade so that it becomes the reality of our existence, when in fact it’s the reality of our deception. Sad, isn’t it?
