I should be finishing my monthly report that was due this afternoon. But it’s one of those evenings when I feel as inspired as a…blah…can’t even think of a decent comparison. It’s a feeling that comes over me at times and despite my best efforts, I can’t seem to avoid it. But more recently I’ve realised that it does pass even when it feels most intense. It eventually passes. So I keep reminding myself of this so that I don’t make any significant decisions when in this state.
So instead, I choose to write a post and wait for the silence to provide some affirmation. It always does. Cold, meaningful silence. Reminds me why I go to bed alone at night. In fact, it reminds me why I resist going to bed at all. Recently I’ve been going through the motions of deliberately passing out on the couch. Fading in and out of consciousness for about three or four hours with the tv mumbling in the background, and then eventually fighting the midnight chill to get to bed hoping to get some recuperative rest in the remaining hours before I awaken again before dawn.
All the while, my brain flatlines. Emotionless and empty. The word that plagues me most these days is ‘vacuous’. Seems fitting. Meaningless rants and pointless brain dumps confirm this state. It’s this affirmation that the silence gives me. Affirmation that the void is as prominent as my mind perceives it to be. Affirmation that this one chance at life is slowly slipping away. Affirmation that every resolution or promise I made to myself during my idealistic youth was thwarted by life. I missed the point each time I thought I was making profound choices. But it turns out that those profound choices were in fact desires driven by necessity rather than carefully constructed strategies.
My boat has sailed, and I’m left with a rubber dinghy and no oars. Fortunately I’m not up any creek, or on rough seas. I’m in the middle of the desert waiting for the tide to come in. But the sunset looks so beautiful. I wonder if there’ll be stars out tonight? Insanity beckons. The dunes are hauntingly beautiful, and the view of the night sky from my dinghy is enchanting. Stars guiding the mariners to their destinations, but for me they serve as nothing but confetti against a black canvas because I need no guidance to any destination. My dinghy is all I need, just in case the tide comes in. And if not, who cares…?