For me, the depression sets in when I feel detached and insignificant in the lives of the people that I’ve always been concerned about. Or the people that I really care about, but they never seem to care in return.
I’ve tried to be numb, detached, uninterested…it doesn’t work for me because I’m always too aware of the fact that I’m lying to myself. I do care more than I should, and in caring as much as I do, I raise an expectation within that is rarely fulfilled. I’ve tried reminding myself that nothing in return should be expected, but when that is proven true, I once again ache at the realisation that I invested more than I was ever going to get out of it, and that I was right about my insignificance. I wanted to be proven wrong.
My thoughts are profanities strung together to form a cohesive reality that I despise. I’ve tried to change it but failed every single time. I sometimes admire people who lack the backbone to fight for what they feel passionately about, or even the people who don’t display any passion at all. It must be so much easier if you are driven by others and find that sufficiently satisfying, rather than having a passion of your own that no one appreciates or understands…or wants to understand.
I’m again fighting the urges to delete everything and wipe any trace of this blog in the hope that it will erase the many disappointments that are associated with it. But it won’t…I’ve tried that route twice before only to regret the loss of the words that gave life to the emptiness inside, and here I am again, as if there was never a lesson to be learnt.
I’ve reached out so many times hoping for nothing more than for someone to simply appreciate the comfort or companionship that I offer, without any expectation of receiving the same in return…nothing but just the feeling of being appreciated is all I desire…but that desire has gone unfulfilled since the earliest days of my life. This truly must be the definition of insanity…hoping endlessly when every trend of my life has confirmed that such hope is futile…yet I hope still. Why?