Tag: Uncategorized

It’s been a while since I’ve had any inclination to write, or ramble. Not very inspired right now either, but with so much happening, it may prove to be therapeutic. I just sold my dearly beloved car, am in the process of entering the market of the unemployed, and have yet to figure out the mind of my 5 year old daughter. Between my daughter and my job, I’m actually not sure which is more daunting for the future.

My convictions again didn’t allow me to back down when every political analyst probably would’ve advised me to recede in order to fight another day…but I refused. I cannot condone unethical behaviour in any shape or form, especially when it’s blatant, deliberate, and entirely calculated to ensure the demise of innocent people. Agh shut up…

I started out on this blog intent on not turning it into a negative rant about what erks me in life, but rather to write blurbs about what’s quirky in life…I lose focus so easily…so here’s to another attempt at getting this right.

I’ve chosen to recede from the rat race but not from life. I’ve decided to take active steps towards simplifying my life, reducing the debt and lowering my expectations of those around me, in the hope that I can return to a point in my life when things made sense, and most things were meaningful. Is this a prelude to a mid life crisis, or is it just a yearning to find some peace? Only time can answer that question…

I stumbled across a website recently that claims to be a sanctuary for cynics. I think they got it all wrong…there is no sanctuary for cynics, only platforms from which their exaggerated attempts to impress others while unintentionally exposing their desperation to be acceptable by those they admire but despise because they’ve never been deemed good enough in their natural state…and so the sour grapes descend and they resort to bitter discourses that belie the truth of their heart’s desires.

Welcome cynics…if ever you run out of material to mock at, take a peek into my life, and you’ll be entertained for years to come…if not a lifetime or three…or four…or more…wateva

When afliction hits me, it’s so easy to slip into a state of self-pity, or more accurately self-loathing and dismiss everything of significance as nothing at all, simply because it seems like no one cares at all. I’ve often wondered how faith in a greater power may or may not affect this state of mind. Sometimes I think that if my faith is strong enough, I’ll always believe and be certain about the fact that everything that happens, happens for a good reason and that it’s probably saving me from something so much worse instead.

Yet other times I think that maybe it’s just happening because I don’t deserve any better, in which case it’s not that I was saved from something worse, but rather denied something better because I am simply not good enough to earn the good that I’m yearning for. But through it all, no matter how low I sink, I can’t stop myself from caring about a beautiful soul, no matter how much that soul may have damaged me in the process of them not believing in themself, or in me.

So I guess after all is said and done, I do care…and I hate myself for it more often than not because it sets a false expectation that I can expect someone to want to reciprocate it at some point…maybe I’m just an ingrate by nature and haven’t realised it yet.

The lyrics of a song by an old crooner comes to mind right now…that old familiar forgotten feelings come rushing, all over my mind…pity though that those feelings are not entirely pleasant or welcomed. The search for a space to call my own continues…if only the fool in me will die so that the endless search for significance can finally cease and be replaced with complacency…

Nothing comes to mind right now…just the usual negative crap on a Monday morning, so more accurately, nothing substantial or worth repeating comes to mind right now. Except sleep…and of course that destructive being that used to be a source of warmth and happiness, but has since chosen to withhold her bounties in order to reserve it for someone more deserving instead. Such is life…and then we die…

Sometimes the predictability of just laying on that cold floor knowing you’re being walked all over offers more comfort than the hope of being accepted and loved for what little you have to offer.

How I wish I was capable of that…but my anal upbringing about being responsible and decent and well mannered has pretty much inhibited any such raw expression of emotion…so WTF will have to suffice for now…as if anyone gives a crap either way…