Tag: dreams

  • From Virtual to Reality

    I launched a new forum at the office this week. It’s called the Thought Leadership Forum. I know, it sounds clichéd, and it probably is. But that is the extent of the cliché. I’ve often felt frustrated at the lack of real life engagement about the many ideas and philosophies that I debate at length with myself on my blog wondering if any of it has any real  life value. How much of it is simply idealism that entertains or encourages from time to time, versus how much of it holds practical value in helping others to rise above the lethargy that has become the hallmark of many lives these days?

    So I decided to be bold (perhaps recklessly stupid instead) and opened up the debate to more than 60 of my colleagues at the office. It was daunting to even consider this but over the last year and a bit I’ve been experimenting with sharing my blog with various people around me. People that often seem to want advice or even just to engage about topics that I am obviously passionate about. At first I felt a sense of trepidation which didn’t last any longer than it took for me to realise that their validation was of no consequence to me. There was always the risk that they would ridicule my ramblings, but strangely enough most have lost interest in a very short space of time. Some have commented vaguely on the content and the topics but none have engaged meaningfully about anything that they read.

    That in itself provided an insight into my fears and assumptions, as well as their sincerity about wanting to truly challenge the stereotypes that they’re often prone to whining about. I focused on the former since I’ve realised that trying to convince people to take themselves seriously is a futile effort. People only ever take themselves seriously after they’re faced with a grave challenge in their life that forces them to question their significance to those around them, and more importantly, when they’re forced to face the truth of what they claim to stand for. It takes a defining moment of sublime struggle to cause us to question our purpose or our understanding of ourselves. At moments like that we realise what dreams we were holding on to but rarely, if ever, nurtured.

    And so I set out to start the debate in the first session of the Thought Leadership Forum that I launched and was pleasantly surprised at both the turnout and the level of engagement. It’s early days, and there is nothing to suggest that this initiative might even survive beyond its second session, but the fact that I was able to force people to stop and reconsider their long held perspectives about common issues that we often take for granted on a daily basis is a really good thing. It was encouraging to see how many were confident enough to make statements about what they believed were universal truths, only to stop and give a nervous giggle when it was challenged because they realised that they didn’t necessarily consider it from that perspective before.

    Perhaps, selfishly, I needed to take this blog from virtual reality to reality in order to test the water about my personal beliefs and its relevance to the average human being. Perhaps this is my way of determining whether or not there is merit in writing that book after all, or if my thoughts and ideas are simply pedestrian by nature and instead of causing people to sit up and listen, it may instead cure their insomnia. Perhaps this is the beginning of a new chapter in my life where I aspire to influence people in reality rather than to continue to hide behind the comfort offered by the nuances of virtuality.

    People are strange. Sometimes, almost as strange as I know them to be.

  • That Nudge

    Life creeps up on us when we think we’re being smart and sophisticated by making elaborate plans to achieve things we assume is important. Then suddenly, the most subtle nudge jolts us out of that self-indulgent stupor and we realise that everything we were planning for was actually trivial and pointless.

    I recently begrudgingly settled into the assumed reality that life the way I know it is the way it will be until the end. I assumed the foetal position ready to be a martyr. I was ready to sacrifice my needs and desires for the stability and security that those around me would benefit from. But from a place I least expected, I was jolted out of my staid reality and infused with fearful hope that the fat lady is not yet ready to sing.

    I had planned in detail how I was going to explain to my daughter that she needed to be strong by herself without a mother. The arrangements I would need to make for my care should I reach an infirm age. My explanation to my estranged daughter that I had to simply make a very difficult choice in utilising my limited resources to help her sister recover from the trauma of a dysfunctional environment rather than continuing the ten year struggle with her mother to maintain a significant role in her life.

    And then the nudge came in a most unassuming form. A nudge that has unsettled my idyllic loneliness and forced me to peer out of my shell at a world that I had long grown to despise for its hypocrisy, betrayal and double standards. Part of me is whimpering in silent protest at the changes that that nudge is prompting in me, but most of me is smiling like a newly toothed baby assuming that the whole world is ready to smile with me.

    By I’m a decaying pragmatist at heart, so such euphoria will be tampered with reality no matter my romantic inclinations. My stubborn cynicism will endure a while longer until the reality of this hope is realised, because I know all too well that such hope can be fleeting, and such promise can be empty. Yet the fool in me remains hopeful nonetheless, and no matter what the outcome, I will spit in the face of futility and laugh at the fact that I hoped again, despite the gravest oaths I’d taken never to succumb to such a frivolity ever again.

  • What dreams may come…

    Being in a somewhat melancholic mood today, it’s easy to slip into a daze about the what-if’s and the if-only’s of life. Disappointment is born when I see beauty denied, and regrets are born when I see beauty taken for granted, by me as well as others. I have healthy doses of both in my life, but neither is strong enough to taint my optimism for the future even though holding on to such optimism is getting to be quite a challenge on its own.

    I’ve often said that I’m not built or designed to be alone. I have this aching desire to want to take care of someone, to share a life with her and to create an intimate space that is uniquely ours, built on every romantic notion I’ve ever harboured, and embellished with every ideal that I court. I want to prove to myself that a romantic life is still possible against the backdrop of horror that comprised the canvas of my life to this point. 

    I still subscribe to the naive notion that if only a few days of absolute bliss, peace and consoling comfort is experienced in my last moments on this earth, it would render every heartache and every pain impotent. It will cause every regret and every disappointment to recede in humiliation, and will leave me with an eternal smile subtly formed at the corners of my lips when I take my last breath.

    At the moment of my death I don’t want to smile only because the struggle is over. I want to smile because I was successful in proving to the world that despite their hypocrisy and insincerity, I was able to rise above it and still achieve my moment of bliss in spite of their efforts to dismiss me as a dreamer. I know it’s possible. But the fatal flaw in my plan is to find one with as much conviction as me to secure this dream that has been so elusive. But even in this I am optimistic that I will succeed in finding her. The one that will embrace my child-like tendencies, my romantic inclinations, my overbearing responsibility at times, and my overwhelming drive to achieve that which others mock in my aspirations. In return, she’ll enjoy nothing less from me.

    Edit: This was my 800th post.

  • I Still Hear Her Heartbeat

    cynicallyjade:

    The realism of my dream tonight still haunts me. It wasn’t a bad dream, nor was it a sad one. But the reality that I woke up to is. I heard the gentle ticking of her heartbeat so vividly again. It’s a sound that I haven’t heard in a very long time. 

    It was a love story that we both seemed oblivious to when we had it. We were young, high strung, passionate, but stubborn. But there was so much about her that I loved. She had a poise that was naturally elegant, a smile that still warms me, the most beautifully soft hair, and a voice I would kill for to hear again. She lost her voice during one of the many operations she had for a heart condition that she was born with. But when her voice returned, it was with a husky tone that sent tingles through me each time we talked. I can’t remember if I told her that or not.

    We’d sit in the same room at opposite ends, and with others in the room I was still able to hear the ticking sound of the valve that was inserted into her heart when she was just 14. It wasn’t a clock-like tick. It had a soft resonance to it that made it oddly familiar but unique. I was so attuned to it that I could tell the thickness of her blood just by listening to the sound of it. She needed to take medication to control her blood thickness levels so that the valve could function optimally.

    And tonight, after almost a decade, she leaned into me again, rested her head on my chest, and just surrendered the full weight of her timid body into me. And that’s when I heard it. That beautiful ticking sound confirming every passionate beat of her heart. I still hear it. But it saddens me now. The tears burn. Sting. Because the reality that I woke up to is that she is gone. She has been gone for about 10 years now, and the hollowness that I felt when she died still overwhelms me now. 

    We fought a lot. We treated each other badly at times. We loved each other ferociously all the time. And without realising it, we made our peace with each other a few days before she died. It’s only after she died that I understood the sadness I saw in her eyes a few days before. I haven’t thought about her, nor dreamed about her in a while. But now it feels like I just lost her again. 

    I miss her.

    I posted this in May 2011…sorry for the morbidity, but sometimes, our minds truly have a heart of their own. Only the Almighty knows what plagues mine tonight. 

  • I Still Hear Her Heartbeat

    The realism of my dream tonight still haunts me. It wasn’t a bad dream, nor was it a sad one. But the reality that I woke up to is. I heard the gentle ticking of her heartbeat so vividly again. It’s a sound that I haven’t heard in a very long time. 

    It was a love story that we both seemed oblivious to when we had it. We were young, high strung, passionate, but stubborn. But there was so much about her that I loved. She had a poise that was naturally elegant, a smile that still warms me, the most beautifully soft hair, and a voice I would kill for to hear again. She lost her voice during one of the many operations she had for a heart condition that she was born with. But when her voice returned, it was with a husky tone that sent tingles through me each time we talked. I can’t remember if I told her that or not.

    We’d sit in the same room at opposite ends, and with others in the room I was still able to hear the ticking sound of the valve that was inserted into her heart when she was just 14. It wasn’t a clock-like tick. It had a soft resonance to it that made it oddly familiar but unique. I was so attuned to it that I could tell the thickness of her blood just by listening to the sound of it. She needed to take medication to control her blood thickness levels so that the valve could function optimally.

    And tonight, after almost a decade, she leaned into me again, rested her head on my chest, and just surrendered the full weight of her timid body into me. And that’s when I heard it. That beautiful ticking sound confirming every passionate beat of her heart. I still hear it. But it saddens me now. The tears burn. Sting. Because the reality that I woke up to is that she is gone. She has been gone for about 10 years now, and the hollowness that I felt when she died still overwhelms me now. 

    We fought a lot. We treated each other badly at times. We loved each other ferociously all the time. And without realising it, we made our peace with each other a few days before she died. It’s only after she died that I understood the sadness I saw in her eyes a few days before. I haven’t thought about her, nor dreamed about her in a while. But now it feels like I just lost her again. 

    I miss her.

  • clavicola:

    Someone knit me a scarf made out of their tears 🙁 

    Wouldn’t you rather want them to weave you a hat made out of stars?