Tag: brain dump

  • Brain dump…almost

    This icy weather, failed attempts at parenting and hyper-acidity are recipes for a very depressive night. But there’s enough positivity to keep me grounded in reality, rather than allow me to slip into a morbid state. Nonetheless it’s the type of mood that prompts mass un-follows and bulk deletions of posts, but for now, I’ll resist the urge for both.

    Waiting for the calm, for the ease or the breather between life’s throes continues to be a futile exercise. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a meaningful and therapeutic brain dump, but even an attempt at that leaves me staring blankly at my screen. I discovered that the secret to overcome this is to write about the blankness when staring at the screen. So this is my brain dump. A post of seeming nothingness from a brain incapable of much right now.

    There’s always just one more thing before I should be at ease. Always one more thing I need to do or get out of the way, or one more thing that needs to be achieved. If only I can just get past this or just get that resolved, then I’ll be able to focus on what I need to, or rather want to. But I suspect that this same cycle of insanity is what causes people to lay in their death beds wondering where they lost sight of what was important.

    The philosopher’s view of life is insensitive, although often truthful. Right now, philosophy is a cold comfort in the face of dis-ease. It’s the kind of uneasiness that rears its ulcerous head when my energy levels are lowest, and the brain clutter is highest. It’s the burden of being conscious. Not awake. Conscious. Aware. It’s tiring. Even when nothing is wrong, the realisation of how little it takes to make everything go wrong nags like an annoying itch that can’t be reached because it’s in between the skin and the bone, but not quite in either and scratching it only causes it to flare, but rarely to abate. 

    That’s reality. That annoying bit between the head and the heart that can’t be fully rationalised, nor fully dismissed. What a ramble of bull!

  • think…think…think…think…think…think…

    I think till it pales me, and then I observe how my thinking pales me, and then I observe how my observation of my thinking pales me. And the cycle continues until I have no energy nor inclination to think, at which point my brain switches off, my emotions go into neutral, I quite unconsciously assume a detached disposition and I appear as cold and insensitive as a sociopath. Worse still, thoughts that can only be entertained by a sociopath start trickling through my head until suddenly I realise how detached I am, how sullen I appear, and how fatigued my body is, and it prompts a burst of consciousness that jolts me out of that stupor and into a flurry of thoughts and passion and creativity that manifests itself in flirtatious and endearing behaviour that leaves most bewildered at the sudden change in temperament.

    I’m not moody. Sometimes I just succumb to the weight of life. The gentle souls that touch my life in my later years inevitably bear the brunt of the lessons learnt at the hands of the despicable souls in my earlier years. What didn’t kill me didn’t make me stronger, it only made me more jaded, but progressively more impatient. I keep lying to myself thinking that survival implies strength, when in fact it simply implies adaptability. Knowing how to dodge the bullet doesn’t make me bullet proof. It simply makes me smart enough to know when to duck. But eventually, I get tired of ducking and instead, I stand square-shouldered facing the onslaught with eyes wide open, my heart gently ticking away in my chest, waiting for what I always knew was inevitable, knowing that it will hit me hard, but defiantly standing there waiting to see exactly how hard it’s going to hit.

    I look at life and envy those that can live in the moment without a concern for the consequences. It must be so comforting being so numb to what may come next. But I can’t help but look at life and see what came before and what will come next without ever allowing myself enough time to savour what is. The present moment continues to elude me. Silence. Now there’s a nice idea!

  • Another tiring post

    cynicallyjaded:

    The day that science creates something out of nothing is the day that I will seriously reconsider my position about atheism. As long as man is manipulating what is already in existence, and as long as we always find more questions with every mystery that we solve, I’ll always marvel at the intelligence, form, function and ‘interconnectedness’ of this universe. We’re tiny and almost entirely insignificant specks of life that exist in this massive space, and we have barely scratched the surface of the true wonders of just the human body, yet we’re arrogant enough to believe that our theories about what might have occurred billions of years ago substantiated by assumed interpretations of our current state is authority enough to declare that we’re here because of a fluke of ‘stuff’ interacting and evolving over billions of years to eventually result in intelligent life that has reason and logic, and choice and emotions, and wisdom and beauty and so much more…

    The entire subject is the biggest brain fuck you could ever get. We assumed that the speed of light was unbreakable for decades…and then, quite by accident, we break it, but yet we continue in our arrogance to assume that we understand well enough to make absolute statements about what is and what isn’t true about life, death, this universe, and everything that exists within it, and in the process proclaim that there could not possibly be intelligence behind it all…it’s simply astounding the lengths we would go to just to obtain a level of peace so that we don’t have to accept our impotence and insignificance when faced with the grand design.

    After reading an article last week about atheists presenting questions specifically to Christians about scientific facts that the writer believed to be at odds with religion, I was prompted to search for this post that I wrote late last year. Given the use of language, it was obviously something that was proving to be an annoyance at the time, given how many posts I wrote about atheism and theism at the time.

    The one thing that struck me about this article that I read was that in almost every single debate brought on by atheists, they assume that the only view they need to challenge is that of Christianity, when in fact Islam is just as strongly positioned against atheism as any other religion. But more often than not, and this is played out in the mainstream media on a daily basis, the general awareness of the true aspects of Islam escapes most non-Muslims which is why there is this general misconception that Christianity is probably the only monotheistic religion other than Judaism. This although Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world with a large portion of its growth from reversions rather than procreation.

  • A Brain Dump…

    The ebb and flow of life is often a distraction. I’m simple at heart, and therefore desire constancy. But the only constancy that is offered is the unpredictability of me. In the absence of knowing what awaits me at the next turn, I’ve tried to maintain my own disposition on an even keel. But I’m so easily distracted that I betray this composure within moments of achieving it.

    Overtly I deny the need for affirmation, but internally I find ways to seek it out whilst appearing to be independent and aloof. I shy away from open praise but take joy from seeing wilful engagement that is unsolicited from others. I choose to see that as a reflection of my significance in the eyes of others, even though most only engage for the novelty value rather than a deeply ingrained sense of appreciation or gratitude. 

    My intensely introspective approach to life has made me somewhat of a novelty to the point where I don’t expect any sincere interaction, relationship or even friendship to extend beyond a few months. It generally takes a few months for someone to solicit all the insight they desire about themselves from me before it becomes a tedious exercise. Then, they either drift away from boredom, or they actively resist the revealing interactions because they begin to realise how vulnerable they are in front of me. 

    I’m a novelty on a shelf in a china shop. The shelf way up on top that is out of reach because I’m deemed too fragile for most to know how to handle me, but I provide an interesting, if not simply curious reflection of the one that beholds me. So occasionally there will be a brave adventurous soul, often troubled and seeking answers about themselves, catching the reflections that I cast, that reach out to take a closer look. But while I’m enjoying them looking at me, they’re in fact looking at themselves within me. 

  • Why follow blindly?

    There’s a thought that’s been in the back of my mind for some time now. I’ve touched on this in several posts recently but still feel a need to spill these thoughts further. I’m constantly confused by how much emphasis is placed on the actions of pious predecessors, especially when the focus appears to be on mimicking their actions rather than understanding and applying the principles that gave rise to it. 

    It gets even worse when I see people suddenly quoting examples from the lifestyles of the pious scholars, even though there are much more poignant and admirable examples from the life of our Prophet (pbuh) as well as his companions. And this all supports my view about the cult-ish tones that are rife in the Ummah these days. 

    We all believe we’re that one sect of the seventy three that will enter Jannah, yet I keep wondering what was really meant by that Hadith that talks about the strangers, and glad tidings to those strangers, and on what basis do any of us hold a claim to be that chosen group? Isn’t that in itself arrogance, which is an attribute of the dwellers of Hell? I worry incessantly about the Hadith that reminds us that if our destiny has been pre-ordained for us to be in Hell, that we will fulfill that fate in the last moments of our lives, despite having lived a good life to that point.

    Then I’m also reminded of the fact that our sincere duas and efforts can alter this destiny of ours, but since we have no guarantee that such duas are answered, the sincere humility that it begs is something we can never afford to take for granted. So it all brings me back to the start of this brain dump, which is simply, instead of trying to imitate the actions of the saintly, shouldn’t we rather be striving to understand and appreciate the principles of Islam that they subscribed to? Only through understanding are we ever able to implement it within the context of our own lives, which to me, is the foundation for sincerity of intention. 

    I don’t know…sometimes it just feels like we’ve taken the beauty and simplicity of Imaan and turned it into a ritualistic cult that only the conformers to other’s interpretations of Islamic customs qualify for admission, and none shall have a right to question such interpretations except the chosen few with the appropriate man-endowed titles symbolising their scholarly endeavours that separates them from the awwaam.

  • Another tiring post

    The day that science creates something out of nothing is the day that I will seriously reconsider my position about atheism. As long as man is manipulating what is already in existence, and as long as we always find more questions with every mystery that we solve, I’ll always marvel at the intelligence, form, function and ‘interconnectedness’ of this universe. We’re tiny and almost entirely insignificant specks of life that exist in this massive space, and we have barely scratched the surface of the true wonders of just the human body, yet we’re arrogant enough to believe that our theories about what might have occurred billions of years ago substantiated by assumed interpretations of our current state is authority enough to declare that we’re here because of a fluke of ‘stuff’ interacting and evolving over billions of years to eventually result in intelligent life that has reason and logic, and choice and emotions, and wisdom and beauty and so much more…

    The entire subject is the biggest brain fuck you could ever get. We assumed that the speed of light was unbreakable for decades…and then, quite by accident, we break it, but yet we continue in our arrogance to assume that we understand well enough to make absolute statements about what is and what isn’t true about life, death, this universe, and everything that exists within it, and in the process proclaim that there could not possibly be intelligence behind it all…it’s simply astounding the lengths we would go to just to obtain a level of peace so that we don’t have to accept our impotence and insignificance when faced with the grand design.

  • What dreams may come…

    It’s been a strange few days. I haven’t felt this disconnected in a while. Morbidly detached. Going through the motions. Knowing that all that I have on my plate will quite quickly dissipate into insignificance soon enough only to be replaced with a fresh set of challenges. I don’t really mind that at all. It feels like progress in some morbid way, knowing that I’ve overcome some challenges and realising that I will be faced with new ones soon enough.

    The lull never lasts. It’s as if I’m destined to be challenged at every stage of my life, and the only thoughts that keep me sane is that I know I’ve overcome worse before, and I convince myself that every challenge that I overcome is a preparation for something greater. My education at the hands of life has been invaluable, and there’s not a single book, article, or class I could have taken at any point that would have prepared me in any way for what I’ve had to contend with so far. 

    No amount of study or reading would have prepared me for a life with a borderline violent psychotic, or the unexpected death of a loved one, or the estrangement of a child, or the harrowing helplessness of unemployment when I had loved ones that depended on me to take care of them. Nothing could prepare me for betrayal. Nothing could prepare me for life. The only thing I could do was ensure that I…never mind…this all seems pointless…reflecting like this…regurgitating the day’s insanity in the hope that I’ll be able to construct something meaningful out of the senselessness of so much. I can’t. Perhaps I just don’t want to right now. Perhaps I’m just hoping for an endearing response from a significant other that doesn’t exist…perhaps I’m just…

  • When?

    Self-affirming posts just don’t work for me. It’s the equivalent of those mantras that are recommended for people with a poor self-esteem. You know, the ones where you’re supposed to stand in front of the mirror every morning and tell yourself how beautiful you are, or how important you are, or how brilliant you are, or how…that’s what I believe is wrong with so many people these days. They’re so busy trying to convince themselves that they’re something that they don’t feel, that eventually they believe the lies that they tell themselves without ever resolving the underlying mess that led them to feel un-beautiful, un-brilliant, un-important or un-anything!

    It’s an escape from reality (cue Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen). The only mantra that ever worked for me was ‘I don’t wanna be here’…and I would say it in a deliberately hypnotic trance-like tone that was audible to the people around me. I would also hold my fists together and twiddle my thumbs for full effect while maintaining tongue firmly in cheek. That worked for me because it made me realise quite quickly how ridiculous it was to wish for something without taking action. 

    What’s worse is when I see people posting these statements of intent of how they will survive, they will overcome, they will be great, they will move on, they will they will they will…but they never DO! Hasn’t Nike gotten through to them yet? Just do it! It’s great to state that intention once, maybe twice, or at a stretch three times! But to continue intending for months on end without acting is just a ridiculous waste of life. 

    Perhaps at some point in the future we could then say,

    “hey, I spent 2010 hurting,

    2011 hoping,

    2012 planning,

    and eventually in 2013 I decided to act…

    but it seems that all my plans were outdated by then because the world had moved on while I was still denying the reality of what happened in 2009!”

    And before you hate me, I’m NOT undermining the hurt or the pain that anyone has gone through in their lives, nor am I assuming that my experiences were worse than anyone else’s. My point is simple, the more you reinforce the statements of intent, the longer you dwell on your afflictions as a victim! Stop being a victim and do something constructive. Like that old cliched proverb goes, action doesn’t always bring happiness, but there can be no happiness without action!