Tag: Anonymous

  • You and your wife seem like wonderful people. My questions are: have you lived in South Africa your whole life? What's it like? Which important life experiences shaped you into person you are today?

    Thank you…I’ll definitely pass on the compliment. 🙂

    I’ve lived in SA my entire life, with two short stints living abroad as well. I spent a year in Saudi and 6 months in Tunisia. South Africa is often under estimated, over simplified, and grossly misunderstood. It’s beautiful and horrible at the same time. We spend an insane amount of money on personal safety, but still have a generally good quality of life. Personal freedoms are usually respected, including religious, political and philosophical differences.

    I guess the most prominent life experiences that come to mind would include my extremely dysfunctional relationship with my father. It forced me to be independently minded, and made me realise that horrible labels and condescending names didn’t define who I am. So I was forced to realise at an early age that my life was up to me to shape, because I never received any hand-ups or hand outs from him or anyone else. 

    The death of my first wife was a turning point for me as well. It forced me to look at life differently, and for the first time, despite my isolated childhood, I realised exactly how alone we are in this world, and how temporary everything is. 

    There’s a number of other incidents that have left some beautiful scars in my life, but they’re too numerous to mention here. I generally shy away from talking too much about the challenges I’ve faced because it generally solicits the same response from people which is this glazed disbelieving look of ‘yeah right’. But I’m not one to overly embellish a life experience in search of sympathy, so that’s why I prefer to share just selected details about my life experiences because most people think I’ve just got an over active imagination in my search for attention. 

  • Another Anon but same OCD…

    I have to wash my hands sticf´tfully and sometime more than two times and it injures my skin. If I take a shower I don’t really feel the need to be strict with my body but my hands always have to be clean. Or if I feel like something that touched my pubic area(awra) I feel like crazy washing that part. I just feel very impure and non of my deeds will be accepted. And yes I am wasting so much soap. I don’t know you said find the reason and I tried – part 2;

    Continued…SO I thought about my past and I found out that I was masturbating without knowing that it is wrong. When I got a guilty feeling after some time after doing such stuff I told my mom and she got mad at me. And since then it is a BIG NO NO for me. And since I did it with my hands they got kind of “ugly and impure”. I never touched my down there even if it was for cleaning purpose I would wear gloves and what not. But I try to learn that my body isn’t something impure. I am a teenager now and I got a boyfriend, I regret it and I didn’t have sex or anything I broke up befor but he was very sexually, like his jokes and stuff. And I didn’t have the power to say stop it. But one day I did and blaah. But now I felt like because of my loneliness that I have to masturbate. I did it without knowing. It just happened. And I got a feeling and I was WTH was that. And I just did it till one told me that you have to do ghusl. Soo.. this plus my OCD is freaking me out. I am loosing my self trust I start to question everything. Did you reallllyy wash that part, did you wash your mouth did you do it 3 times. And it is just exhausting. So I kind of got addicted to masturbating but I have to take ghusl after it but I can’t. Actually I do now since I know but it is like going through hell. Why do I have to masturbate? I have to think on sexual stuff all the time. I can’t controle it anymore. I just don’t want to do anything else than sex… it’s so embarrassing I don’t know what to do

    Assalaamu Alaykum,

    For starters, I would set the labels aside. OCD, although it may be a fairly good description of the behavioural tendencies you’re feeling about cleaning yourself, has such a huge stigma attached to it that without realising it, you end up trying to deal with the stigma more than you’re dealing with the actual problem. The real issue is what is driving you to feel so dirty or impure, and secondly, why the need to pleasure yourself as often as you do.

     

    I’m not going to go into the issue of labels again, because I think I’ve debated it ad nauseum recently, so having said all that, I think you need to start by accepting that the past is the past. Whatever you did then is done and cannot be undone. So rather than reminding yourself about past mistakes, limit yourself to referring to the past only to explain present behaviour, but not to undermine what good you may have achieved since then. And more importantly, accept that your duas for forgiveness have been accepted and trust in Allah’s mercy. Doubts around that are only encouraged by Shaytaan because that’s his way of convincing you to feel helpless which makes you do things to distract yourself from the guilt or persist in what you’re doing because you don’t see the point in stopping.

    The positive thread through all of this is that you appear to be genuinely concerned about changing the behaviour that is proving to be destructive for you, so that’s a good starting point. The problem with attaching negative labels to yourself is that it makes you feel inherently unworthy. In your case, that appears to be triggering a vicious cycle because you feel dirty, you try to clean, you touch yourself to clean and then get drawn into pleasuring yourself, which results in the guilt, which results in you trying to clean yourself excessively, which is leading to physical harm to your skin, etc. The cycle needs to be broken, but that’s always easier said than done.

    The sense I’m getting is that there is a low self-worth underlying both issues, i.e. the ‘OCD’ as well as the masturbation. If you’re feeling disgusted about yourself for whatever reason, it would stand to reason then that you would not be able to imagine yourself as being attractive to anyone else (or at least not anyone that you would want to find you attractive), so automatically that would lead you sub-consciously to want to ‘take care of yourself’ since it’s unlikely that anyone else will want to take care of you that way. However, you’re also committed to your moral obligations, which leads to the guilt associated with doing what you’re doing, so that just adds to the vicious cycle.

    To break it, I think you need to consider a dual approach. Firstly, you need to identify what are the ideal circumstances under which you are able to masturbate without fear of being caught. You’ll probably be able to find some helpful ideas and information here about ways to break the habit. In fact, read through some of the posts relating to masturbation on that site and you’ll realise that firstly, you’re not alone in this, and secondly, it is possible to break the cycle.

    The problems you’re facing with excessively cleaning or washing yourself needs to be dealt with slightly differently. You’re doubting whether or not you cleaned a certain part of your body already, which suggests that there is again a lack of confidence or self-worth, hence you doubting yourself so easily; and secondly, you need to establish a fixed routine about how you go about bathing, or making ghusl. What I mean is, if you fix a routine that says that you’ll start with your hair, then wash your face, then your ears, then your arms, etc. and you ensure that you follow exactly that routine every single time, you’ll have less reason to wonder whether you cleaned a certain part already or not. Another option is to not rinse the soap off any part until you’re completely done. That way, if it’s still soapy, you know you already cleaned it.

    Insha-Allah as it becomes habit/routine, the confidence will improve and the self-doubt will decline, which will allow you to assume a more flexible routine around cleansing yourself. If you want to discuss this in more detail, please email me directly. You’ll find my email address on my homepage. I hope this helps, and please don’t hesitate to discuss this further with me or my wife, if you’ll feel more comfortable going into more detail with her.

    Insha-Allah you’ll overcome this and realise that your shortcomings do not define who you are, how you deal with them is what determines your character and your self-worth.

  • Question: OCD With Personal Hygiene

    Aslmkm brother, your wife had actually led me to your ask box. I was wondering if you can tell me anything or any way to help my sister who has severe ocd to the point she cannot use her bar of soap more than once or touch her own mother. She will not see a doctor even though my parents have suggested it, and uses a lot of money buying cleaning supplies as she won’t listen to us and my parents are too kind to refuse. We all feel helpless and she is too sensitive to have a discussion with.

    Wa Alaykumussalaam,

    I had a brief discussion with my wife about this. I’ll try to help as far as possible, even if only to offer some insight into what might be driving her behaviour so that we can understand what the real issue is, Insha-Allah.

    From past experiences similar to this, I’ve found that it’s almost always related to a severe insecurity that was triggered by a significant event. That sounds quite cryptic, but I guess the process we need to go through is to try to understand what was happening around the time that this behaviour first became problematic.

    I get the sense that she’s afraid of something, and what she’s demonstrating in her behaviour is really just a symptom of her expressing that fear in a very disruptive manner. So try to see her behaviour as a symptom rather than the problem itself. There’s another more concerning possibility that may be driving her behaviour, but it’s really premature for me to suggest it at this point, so I would prefer if we could discuss this in more detail via email before I say anything else.

    You can rest assured that everything will remain confidential from my side, but trying to have a meaningful discussion via the horrible Tumblr Ask box would be very difficult. My email address is on my homepage. I look forward to hearing from you further, Insha-Allah.

  • Wow, I seriously haven't felt this much rage toward a person since my ex raped me. Thanks for telling me that basically I'm the cause of my own depression because I'm "not positive" enough to think myself out of my situation. Surprise, douchebag. I'm an incredibly positive person and yet I still suffer from depression. Wanna explain to me how that works? Yeah, you're a fucking privileged idiot. Shut the fuck up.

    Ok, so here’s a few free pointers for you.

    Firstly, don’t bother using the Anon feature when it’s blatantly obvious who you are because that just confirms your troll behaviour that you really should give up.

    Secondly, try getting the full picture before you go mouthing off at someone so that you don’t make a total ass of yourself when you’re trying to tell them where to get off.

    Thirdly, you and your groupies should stop your pathetic victim mentality crap and stop assuming that every person that disagrees with you, or call you out on your illogical rubbish is actually white. So here’s a newsflash for you. I’m not white. Never was white. Don’t ever intend to be white. And don’t have any white blood in my ancestry either. But I still think you’ve got issues well beyond anything I stated in my post that you so passionately oppose, and that’s coming from a non-white, so can you imagine how bad your issues must be? 

    Lastly, for you and some of your followers that can’t rationalise the rage they feel, here’s a few free words of advice for you. Anger is caused by only three things ever. And this was told to me by a black American about 20 years ago, so pay attention now. By the way, I’m of Indian origin born and bred in South Africa, so don’t talk to me about privilege because I lived in a racially divided society without any option because it was the law of the state to keep us segregated in that way. You were born at least two generations after such racial segregation was outlawed in your country, so it seems you need to wake up and smell the coffee at some point.

    Back to the advice about anger, only three things cause it. If you can think of a fourth thing, you’re better than every psychologist, philosopher and sage that has lived for the last few centuries, if not longer. So here goes:

    1. Fear of being incompetent – when you feel like someone is challenging your competence, or suggesting that you’re incompetent, you get angry
    2. Fear of being disliked – when you feel like you’re losing points in the popularity stakes, you get angry because everyone wants to be liked/likeable/popular
    3. Fear of insignificance – when you feel as if your presence or personal needs don’t count in a situation or relationship, you get angry because you feel insignificant. 

    My guess is, you and some of your followers are most prone to the last option. Get a grip and get the full picture before you go mouthing off your vulgarities at people you know nothing about. I survived more abuse in my life than you would ever imagine, the details of which is absolutely none of your business. But if you’re going to take the time to troll me, at least have the presence of mind to do your homework before you feel like venting without thinking.

    As for all the uninformed reblogs your vulgarity attracted, I guess that is testament to the fact that most people are victims, hence the insanely high rate of violence in the world today. 

  • I enjoy your blog a whole lot, thank you for the suggested links. My question is: do you feel like your perspective would change if you lived in another continent/country?

    I wish you’d come off anon. 🙂

    I’m glad you find some value in my ramblings. I doubt my location would have influenced me much at all. Growing up in South Africa during apartheid has given me some unique experiences and insights, but I can’t say that it actually shaped my perspectives much. As per my previous post, being the kind of kid that I was, I believe I would have been ostracised in any society regardless of community or place. The odd ones are always soft targets for the shallow ones. This is true throughout the world if some of the blogs I follow is anything to go by.

    So I guess I am me independent of location, because even when I relocated to other cities or countries for work, I didn’t find any notable change in my personality or perspective. It simply reaffirmed the universality of the inherent traits of people. Some people choose to resist the urge to be cruel, but others give in willingly.

    Unfortunately I realised at a young age that being cruel is the easiest thing to do in the world. That’s why so many people don’t put much effort into being kind.