Tag: love
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I Regress…
Today
this morning
I regressed…
I missed the callous one
the one that taught me about betrayal and cowardice
about hypocrisy and pain
about futility
The pain of her Cesarean act
threatened to disembowel me once again
The void returned
and the hope and optimism receded out of fear
today
this morning
I yearned for love
but I’m left only with hate
and a tainted view of a life in limbo
embellished with rose-coloured recollections
of a life almost lived.
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Census
All these years I thought you were alone, but now,
laid open, it is clear two lost stars are burning into you.One keeps distant memories, art and travel, intimacy
echoed in a longing no longer yours to claim.The other is your nature in your time. Its heart is carnal,
quick, uneasy, its need to love and fear in drowning waves,and that silence you have carried like a dead limb all your life.
This reminds me of her…indeed the fear not to express the truth that lurks beneath is heavier than a dead limb…it must be…I can’t think of anything else that would drag someone so low that they would oppose every principle and every stated aspiration that they hold dear without reason or apparent motivation. Silence is far greater a destroyer of souls than any harsh words that could be uttered.
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Will I Ever Learn?
The only lesson that I keep learning from relationships is that the utterances of endearing affection at the peak of the relationship should always be taken with a pinch of salt, but that rare moment of appreciation feels so good that I forget quite quickly how many times before it was the start of that painful trend.
The trend seems to go like this…
- They relate to something I post
- Express curiosity about my views on their current emotional state
- Amazement at how much I get them, or relate to the space they’re in
- Outpouring of emotions regarding past hurts and betrayals
- Spirited exchange of sharp wit and adorable indulgences of philosophies on life and people
- Some feigned curiosity about me
- Realisation of how vulnerable they are given the information they’ve shared over such a short period of time
- Defensiveness at every observation or comment I share from that point, despite it being previously devoured but is suddenly distasteful
- Desperate attempt to re-establish their defenses
- Venomous attack on how insensitive I am about the space they’re in and how I don’t understand them at all or how I need to get an education
- Cut ties without explanation and a healthy dose of grossly inaccurate assumptions about me
And so the trends persist…it’s an emotionally expensive way to live life. Caring about people in whose lives I have no vested interest, nor do they in mine. I try to convince myself that I’m jaded, but I know it’s all an insincere lie in an attempt to convince me to be a cold detached prick that sees weakness as a pathetic state, rather than a desperately human one. But I know how desperately human I am, that’s why I’ll always be dumb enough to extend myself to those that forget what beauty they hold within.
I’ve fallen in love with the human spirit. Pity it hasn’t fallen in love with me.
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When I was younger I used to be quite the loner, and still am like that on most days. I used to go ‘out’ on my own and stay out till late just mingling in crowds where I was the odd one out, or barely being noticed. And it felt that way when I was around people and when I was home.
I remember on one occasion when I was at a friend’s house, his brother had been away for an extended time without any contact which sent his family into a panic. On that particular day my younger brother was with me when he looked at me and said, “See? That’s how everyone panics when you come home so late without telling anyone where you are.”
I don’t think I said anything in return, and I don’t know why I’m suddenly reminded of this. But the one thought that did occur to me right now is that despite him saying that, I still didn’t think I was significant enough for anyone to give a damn about where I was or when I’ll be back. They fussed about me from time to time, but they rarely did anything with me. And I wonder how many others feel equally neglected but loved at the same time? It’s a weird feeling.
I guess being told you’re important or significant or part of a family or social circle is one thing, but having reason to believe that there’s a genuine interest in what you like, what you want, and what really interests you is a love of a different kind that is needed even more. I think we get this kind of love from partners or love interests in the early stages of a relationship, but when it dwindles, when that interest in us dwindles, despite the professions of undying love, we withdraw because suddenly we’re just as significant as family. And everyone knows we take family for granted, because they’re family, right?
But we don’t want to be ‘family’ to the one we allow into that sacred space of fragility. When we allow someone in there, we expect them to worship us, but not smother us…they must hang on every word we say, but have something interesting to say themselves. They must need us, but not be needy or clingy or parasitic. We must be the centre of their universe, but they must give us space.
We’re an odd bunch, aren’t we? Or am I again a loner in feeling this way?
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I must learn to love the fool in me—the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool.
Theodore I. Rubin
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To the beautiful broken-hearted…
Knowing you are loved will never be enough to ease the pain of betrayal of the one you loved, but hopefully it’s enough to keep you holding on long enough until you find the strength to lift your blood-drenched soul out of the cesspool of someone else’s heartlessness. Someone else’s spineless cowardice that is cloaked in shallow confidence aimed at appeasing the masses that only convinces those that are too ignorant to realise that it’s only a veneer and nothing more.
Being on the receiving end of the betrayal already confirms that you’re not part of that societal decay that is smothered in the rotting stench of insincerity and hypocrisy. It means that you had the courage to trust and to love selflessly. Being naive is beautiful. Being ignorant is not.
The spinelessness of some has indeed broken the backbone of others. Please…don’t let that be you. They’re simply not worth it, because it’s not their potential that matters, but their courage to be true to themselves that does. And if they lack that, then they don’t deserve you because they’ll always be selfish enough to take, but will always have reason enough to withhold. And no matter how much you believe in their potential, it means nothing if they don’t have the courage to believe in themselves. So don’t lose yourself in them. You’re worth more than they’ll ever be.
With love, from the jaded one.
