Blog

  • An Old Song…

    The lyrics of a song by an old crooner comes to mind right now…that old familiar forgotten feelings come rushing, all over my mind…pity though that those feelings are not entirely pleasant or welcomed. The search for a space to call my own continues…if only the fool in me will die so that the endless search for significance can finally cease and be replaced with complacency…

  • Blank again…

    Nothing comes to mind right now…just the usual negative crap on a Monday morning, so more accurately, nothing substantial or worth repeating comes to mind right now. Except sleep…and of course that destructive being that used to be a source of warmth and happiness, but has since chosen to withhold her bounties in order to reserve it for someone more deserving instead. Such is life…and then we die…

  • Choices

    The only thing more tragic than loneliness is a person who chooses to be alone when they have an option not to be. Someone once told me that we shouldn’t make a priority in our lives those that have us only as an option in theirs. But that’s easier said than done, like so many things in life. Being an armchair critic is so convenient. I digress.

    What am I to do if I feel the anguish of a kindred spirit, see with absolute clarity and certainty their martyr-like behaviour driven by their need to appease dear ones to the detriment of their own soul; yet not being able to get them to reach out and accept some of the warmth that is on offer and so desired by them as well? Do I walk away and leave them to their own devices because it is after all their choice? Or do I fight on at the expense of my own spirit until the heart dearest to mine finally embraces some of the peace that is yearning to be shared? What will become of my own sense of self-worth if that embrace never comes? Will the eternal optimist in me scrape myself off that cold floor yet again, or will my spirit be so exhausted that I’ll finally yield and accept defeat? I’m so close to yielding already…so so close.

    Will I eventually choose yet another convenient option in the aftermath of the harshest rejection yet, despite the destruction and havoc that the convenient options have caused already? No, yielding is so much more safer this time…another convenient option just won’t do…and so, I yield…

  • Head or Heart?

    Which one is superior? Is it a matter of superiority or is it about finding a balance about when to trust which centre of intelligence…the emotional or the intellectual one? I’ve tried both so far and still find myself floundering around at times trying to figure out which should be dominant. Maybe in times of seeking a pragmatic outcome, the head should dominate, but when seeking a divinely inspired outcome, the heart should prevail. However, that in itself is a problem, because how do you objectively determine which of the two outcomes it is that is desired or preferable in any given situation, especially since situations that result in a conflict of the two centres usually have an enormous impact on your level of sanity.

    Another futile pursuit for clarity perhaps?

  • Hope

    Hope can be so torturous at times…the instinctive response to never lose hope on something so important, but at the same time knowing that the longer you hold on, the greater the eventual destruction if it doesn’t work out the way you hoped for. But equally, the greater the jubilation and euphoria if it does…So the question really is, do you cower and recede in order to be safe and potentially walk away from the most amazing outcome ever, or do you forge ahead boldly with complete and sometimes exaggerated faith in pursuit of what you believe to be true?

  • Comfortably Numb

    Sometimes the predictability of just laying on that cold floor knowing you’re being walked all over offers more comfort than the hope of being accepted and loved for what little you have to offer.

  • Gullibility

    Gullibility is usually an expression of a deep need to be accepted, so instead of seeking acceptance blatantly, we accept blatantly, hoping to receive the same in return…of course it never happens, because there’s simply far too many people out there that would rather take advantage of your gullibility than reciprocate your trust.

  • Ubridled Venom

    How I wish I was capable of that…but my anal upbringing about being responsible and decent and well mannered has pretty much inhibited any such raw expression of emotion…so WTF will have to suffice for now…as if anyone gives a crap either way…