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  • Ramblings of me

    The balance of my life always fluctuates between function and dysfunction, but that there has always been a balance is undeniable. I’m often distracted by the potential outcomes of the dysfunction that presents itself that I exaggerate my responses under the pretence that I’m simply choosing to be decisive, when in fact I’m simply disguising my fear and frustration.

    The longer I live, the more jaded I become because I’m prone to seek to protect myself. I grew up feeling exposed and fragile, so it seems that I may have over compensated for this in the development of my defences. The dysfunction that I experience leads to stress and morbidity, but I’ve mastered the art of presenting a composed disposition under circumstances that would scare the hell out of most. It works well for me, so I’m unlikely to consider any significant shift in my disposition any time soon. But I have this nagging feeling that it also excludes me from some of the joys of life that most take for granted.

    There is much that others take for granted while I marvel at their abilities or experiences, yet they marvel at my apparent composure and seemingly level-headed approach to life. We’re all actors after all, but it’s only those of us that realise and accept this fact that are the most powerful in society. Sometimes I seek to impose my sense of balance on those around me. I do so with sincerity of intent to want to improve their quality of life, but I’m soon reminded that such an endeavour is steeped in arrogance. Arrogance in the belief that I am superior and that my challenges were more significant, and therefore, if my balance works for me, then surely it must work for lesser mortals, right?

    This post seems to reflect the senseless ramblings of my soul quite accurately this morning.

  • Where Will This End?

    I wonder at times what the point is. Not of life. Of living. The worst distraction I’ve ever experienced in life has been my obsession with people’s opinions and affirmations. As much as I appear aloof or independent of it, it influences my behaviour in ways that disgust me at times.

    I’m in the process of killing my Tumblr blog. The dashboard on Tumblr seems to drive the same kind of behaviour as Facebook. It turned me into an attention whore seeking desperately to carve a niche for myself in a sea of uninterested acquaintances. But being the naive fool that I am, any seemingly sincere engagement with a stranger leads me to believe that I am being appreciated for the essence of me. The essence of me? I barely know what that is yet I fool myself into believing that others may be able to appreciate it.

    I sometimes feel like I’m primed for a mid-life crisis, although this crisis has already been in effect for the better part of my life. Responding stereotypically towards a stereotypical event hardly holds any appeal for me, but the tedious tendencies of society to label everything and everyone is rubbing off on me. I can think of no other reason why I continuously attempt to define my state of mind and my phase of life although arriving at a definitive term is quite simple. Dystopia. This is what it is, but hopefully will not be when it ends.

    The struggle then is aptly defined as my grave attempt to turn dystopia into utopia whilst still remaining morbidly functional in a dysfunctional society. Why do I keep measuring myself against society? I must be mad.

  • Farewell

    cynicallyjaded:

    After much thought and restlessness, I’ve decided to stop actively maintaining my Tumblr blog. I’ve imported all my posts to my WordPress blog, and for now, I intend to bleed on that site instead. I suspect that my Tumblr blog will evolve into being a place for me to reblog things that I like, but I doubt I’ll return to share my thoughts/views/rants on here in future. 

    If you’d like to keep in touch, I’ll continue to respond to Tumblr asks, but I’d prefer if we maintained contact via my WordPress blog or email instead. 

    You can find me at http://cynicaljaded.wordpress.com

    And my email address is cynicallyjaded@hotmail.com

  • HI. Not sure how to phrase this question, but, how has having daughters changed your life? How has the experience of raising them changed you?

    Hey…Aslm. 🙂

    Having daughters has been quite a blessing and a struggle. My circumstances have caused a significant strain in my relationship with both of them, but that’s not due to any fault on their part. I’m forced to take my life more seriously since having them, and being inherently responsible (painfully so at times), it has made me considerably more introspective about life as well. 

    Everything I do is with them in mind. What will they think of me when I’m no longer around, or when they’re going through life’s challenges? Will they appreciate what little guidance I’ve tried to give them, or will they despise me for not having prepared them well enough for what lies ahead?

    I wonder if I’ll be around to guide them through the hurdles of their painful teenage years, or through the early struggles of married life. Even if such guidance is simply to allow them to see my mistakes more clearly so that they don’t make the same ones. 

    Having them has changed me significantly. But I constantly feel as if I’m not doing enough for them. I guess that will be the sentiment expressed by most parents. I sometimes look around at other men and wonder if maybe they would have been better served by them. I guess I’m as insecure as any parent that has children.

    But undoubtedly, I see both of them as a blessing and I pray that they don’t grow up feeling cursed or seeing themselves as burdens to society. My greatest fear is that they won’t be protected, guided, supported and respected as much as I would want them to be. 

  • Unfollow if you wish

    As expected, after those last few posts in response to questions I received, the followers have started trickling away. Good riddance if you’re that fickle. Fortunately I wasn’t whoring for your attention, otherwise I would be devastated right now. 

    Frustration and a desperate need to be understood is what influences the tone and focus of what I write. But each time I think I’m one step closer to that goal, something happens that convinces me yet again that being understood is most likely a foolish endeavour in this lifetime. 

    It’s easier to make assumptions than to engage meaningfully. Engaging meaningfully requires effort and sincerity, and it often acquires a sense of responsibility that is too taxing for most. 

  • I think you're intelligent and you're opinionated. You also like to make sure everyone knows it too, not just with your wide vocabulary but because of how you carry yourself. You like to stand out and you also refuse to be a part of "The Sheep Herd" and so you choose to do everything different. You always strive for perfection and you get very upset when things don't meet your standards. So when you struggle in life, you become frustrated and you start to reevaluate everything.

    Thank you for your candidness. There’s very few people, unless they’re trying to get the better of me, that offer such candid feedback. So I really appreciate it. I understand completely why you, and many others, would get such an impression of me, and I guess that’s been the struggle of my life. Getting people to understand where I’m coming from rather than what appears to be my motives. 

    I’m always surprised at comments about my use of language because like I said in previous posts, I don’t read that much. Most of the reading I do is online, and that’s usually articles of interests, blogs, or news items. 

    I am opinionated, but the motivation for being so is not as obvious as most may think. I actually hate being the centre of attention. It makes me awkward and self-conscious. But I love challenging people’s ideas and views because so few people take a critical view of themselves. We’re conditioned to believe that being critical is a negative thing, when in fact it’s the root of growth. In my opinion anyway. 🙂

    I don’t strive for perfection. I’m incredibly lazy to be honest. So in my laziness, and my idealism, I get easily frustrated when I see someone doing something in 10 steps when it can be done in 2. Simplistically, that is what drives my behaviour and my attitude. It’s my desire to simplify things, to avoid unnecessary effort, and to do more with less. When we complicate things, we waste energy and create issues that take up valuable time. 

    I know this all must sound so clichéd, but the truth is that I have got death on my mind most of the time. So when I see people exhausting themselves over things that may be inconsequential to the outcome of their lives, or to the legacy that they need to leave behind (not related to wealth), then I grow impatient with them because I want them to focus on what’s important instead. At least what I have found to be important based on my life’s experiences. 

    I don’t like exhaustive circular debates, so I choose my words carefully most of the time because while responding to questions or criticisms, my mind is automatically jumping two steps ahead in trying to pre-empt what my response may prompt. So I end up explaining myself two steps ahead just to prevent an unnecessary debate. It’s difficult to explain really, but I think it stems from my work in the legal space regarding drafting of contracts between organisations.

    I think it’s my exposure to dishonest people in the work place, and in life, and the bad after taste of dealing with them is what drives me to be so pedantic at times. It’s an arrogant desire to want to shut them up decisively so that they have no graceful exit from the conversation at all. But it takes a lot to push me to the point where I respond so callously towards someone. 

    So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t try to do anything differently, nor do I like to attract undue attention to myself. I just grow easily frustrated with people living unconsciously and I’m naive enough to believe that people in general are as driven as I am to improve the way they do things. So I volunteer my opinion or advice which is often misconstrued as arrogance. But I can’t help myself. 

  • You and your wife seem like wonderful people. My questions are: have you lived in South Africa your whole life? What's it like? Which important life experiences shaped you into person you are today?

    Thank you…I’ll definitely pass on the compliment. 🙂

    I’ve lived in SA my entire life, with two short stints living abroad as well. I spent a year in Saudi and 6 months in Tunisia. South Africa is often under estimated, over simplified, and grossly misunderstood. It’s beautiful and horrible at the same time. We spend an insane amount of money on personal safety, but still have a generally good quality of life. Personal freedoms are usually respected, including religious, political and philosophical differences.

    I guess the most prominent life experiences that come to mind would include my extremely dysfunctional relationship with my father. It forced me to be independently minded, and made me realise that horrible labels and condescending names didn’t define who I am. So I was forced to realise at an early age that my life was up to me to shape, because I never received any hand-ups or hand outs from him or anyone else. 

    The death of my first wife was a turning point for me as well. It forced me to look at life differently, and for the first time, despite my isolated childhood, I realised exactly how alone we are in this world, and how temporary everything is. 

    There’s a number of other incidents that have left some beautiful scars in my life, but they’re too numerous to mention here. I generally shy away from talking too much about the challenges I’ve faced because it generally solicits the same response from people which is this glazed disbelieving look of ‘yeah right’. But I’m not one to overly embellish a life experience in search of sympathy, so that’s why I prefer to share just selected details about my life experiences because most people think I’ve just got an over active imagination in my search for attention. 

  • Well, I've always wondered in which age gap you fall? Your knowledge is rich and you express yourself in a lucid way, it's something which I've admired from day one and I can't help asking from which sources your gather all this information? Are you a reader, and if so then which sort of books do you prefer? And if I may say so I think you will make a good life coach, you certainly possess all the qualities which one should have to pursue that field.

    I guess I can’t avoid this question forever. 🙂 So at the risk of losing 90% of my followers, I’m just over 40. 

    Thanks for the kind words. I’m actually not an avid reader at all. If I do read, it’s usually non-fiction. I started reading Muhammed Asad’s Road to Mecca a few weeks ago, even though I bought it a few months ago, and I only finished about 20 pages so far. 

    All my views are really based on personal experience and very little else. I’ve always been at odds with mainstream views since I was a kid, and I guess it rightfully earned me the ‘titles’ that are not so complimentary because I can understand why people would see me as pompous, arrogant, aloof, condescending, and so much more. I’ve actually been called all that and more directly by family, friends and strangers alike. 

    But trying to be better than others is never what drives me. So I don’t pay much attention to such criticisms unless it’s accompanied by a seemingly sincere attempt to quantify it, in which case I’ll consider it and correct my views/actions if needed.