Tag: fuckit

  • To the beautiful broken-hearted…

    Knowing you are loved will never be enough to ease the pain of betrayal of the one you loved, but hopefully it’s enough to keep you holding on long enough until you find the strength to lift your blood-drenched soul out of the cesspool of someone else’s heartlessness. Someone else’s spineless cowardice that is cloaked in shallow confidence aimed at appeasing the masses that only convinces those that are too ignorant to realise that it’s only a veneer and nothing more.

    Being on the receiving end of the betrayal already confirms that you’re not part of that societal decay that is smothered in the rotting stench of insincerity and hypocrisy. It means that you had the courage to trust and to love selflessly. Being naive is beautiful. Being ignorant is not.

    The spinelessness of some has indeed broken the backbone of others. Please…don’t let that be you. They’re simply not worth it, because it’s not their potential that matters, but their courage to be true to themselves that does. And if they lack that, then they don’t deserve you because they’ll always be selfish enough to take, but will always have reason enough to withhold. And no matter how much you believe in their potential, it means nothing if they don’t have the courage to believe in themselves. So don’t lose yourself in them. You’re worth more than they’ll ever be.

    With love, from the jaded one.

  • A Brain Dump…

    I need to learn to let go gracefully. It’s getting a little easier these days, but my nature still overwhelms me so often. Not just letting go of issues or betrayal from those close to me, or those that I’ve allowed into my personal space…but letting go of that which is unlikely to yield in the face of my limited influence no matter how distasteful I may find it to be. 

    My naivety causes me to invite total strangers into my personal space simply out of care or concern for what they’re contending with. Of course I do this selectively, although I’m more likely to give others the benefit of the doubt than to assume the worst of them. Why do I do this? I think it’s because through some ridiculous sense of logic, I believe that there’s truth in treating others the way I wish to be treated. 

    If I want someone to look beyond my past, to look beyond where I’m coming from but to rather appreciate what I’ve overcome and share my vision of where I’m going to, then I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t afford others the same respect or opportunity, if nothing else. None of this is even making sense anymore. 

    It’s a constant struggle to find certainty in my choices or my actions. Someone told me recently that it’s called ‘mindfulness’, whereas I’ve always thought of it quite simplistically as present-moment-thinking. Maybe it’s the same thing, or maybe it’s not. The impact remains the same. I’m so focused on worrying about the potential outcomes of everything that I rarely spend enough time just absorbing what is happening here and now. 

    The more I remind myself that the actions of others are a reflection of who they are and not who I am, the less consoling it is. Betrayal is the ultimate middle finger. It’s the ultimate fuck-you statement. Believing in others more than they believe in themselves is a reckless way to live. But it’s the only way I know how. Maybe it’s just a sign of desperation that my soul is screaming for acceptance but has yet to taste it. 

    The more I reach out, the more they recoil. But as long as I’m breathing, I’ll be reaching…sometimes I wish giving up was part of my nature…

  • This is one of those days that I despise the resilience of the fool in me…but cringe at the thought of life without it.

    Cynically Jaded

  • Insomnia

    After a long time, insomnia is back. I suspected it would return when I finally threw in the towel. No rest for the damned, is there?