Tag: death

  • Advice and Death

    Advice given by one in a moment of adversity is often sincerest. Death visits us at times that are not always of our choosing. We’re often left bewildered because we live with the endless optimism that today will not be our day. And because of this reality, when death does strike close to us, it shakes our core because even at that point of denial, we’re mourning the loss of someone close to us, when in fact we should be mourning our own lives that are fraught with missed opportunities. 

    Apart from just taking the time to appreciate others while they’re here, do we appreciate what we need to do to part in good standing, or are we always leaving for tomorrow that part of our lives or estates that we should have resolved yesterday? At times when we’re reminded of death, we should look at the state of those left behind and consider whether they were left burdened, or blessed. We live lives of probability, otherwise we’d be too worry-stricken to be functional. We survive death on a daily basis, several times a day. When I’m not distracted, which is on rare occasions, I consider the probability of being within inches of death every single time I pass an oncoming car on the road. But I’ve survived passing them so often, that it hardly ever strikes me as a moment that could end my life before I completed my next breath.

    By design, we take life for granted even when faced with death often.

  • On the Occasion of My Death

    With all the news this week about deaths, and supposed deaths, affecting people I know and love, and people I thought I knew, it got me wondering what it is that I would want people to realise on the occasion of my death. So this would be my eulogy to me:

    Please remember that the tears you cry are tears for your own loss, and not for me. If you were thinking of me, you’d realise that happiness is called for, and not sadness. My struggles are finally over, and what lies ahead can only improve but never get worse. So if you grieve for me, know that you’re grieving in vain, because it is only good that is done in my memory that will benefit me, not time wasted grieving over something that cannot be undone. 

    I lived a life of seeming hardship, but in fact, there were many that were more downtrodden than me. Save your sympathy for those that are alive, and rejoice at the news that those that are dead suffer the anguish of this world no more. Do not commit acts of innovation in my name, nor commemorate the cycles of the years upon the anniversary of my death. I never recognised these superficial occasions in my lifetime, so please don’t dishonour me by commemorating it on my behalf after my demise.

    Death has always been waiting, and relative to the expanse of eternity, our lives are literally a blink of an eye. Some blink longer than others, but nonetheless it is no more than a blink. Too many focus on the challenges and punishments that we’re cautioned about, but most never contemplate the blessings. Our challenges are limited to this finite time that we’ve been placed on earth, while our rewards are celebrated for eternity. So those that think that Allah is cruel or harsh in subjecting us to this life of trials and tribulations, let them be reminded that such hardships are short lived, whilst its rewards, if endured with dignity and faith, are eternal. 

    So please don’t mourn for me. Every tear you shed is a reflection of the compassion and yearning of your own soul before it is a symbol of what lies ahead for me. It is natural to grieve, but know without a doubt that that grieving is for your loss, not for my demise. Life is for the living, not for the dead. If you wish to benefit me at all, remember the good that I may have shared with you, forgive me for the bad, and always remember me fondly while overlooking my shortcomings. 

    Beyond this, I request nothing more from you. Like we have been reminded by the Prophet of Allah (SAW), speaking ill of the dead only affects the living, so don’t hurt those that may have held me endearingly in their hearts by reminding them of my faults. Celebrate life with goodness and cheat death by making such goodness the inheritance of your offspring. 

    “To Allah we belong, and unto him is our return”

  • Computing Loss

    When others share their views or sentiments about tragic moments in my own life, it often overwhelms me more than the experience itself. Those first moments on hearing the bad news, or rationalising the loss left me feeling sombre, but not always overwhelmed with emotion. On many occasions I’ve been able to hold back the tears and shrug off the pain, only to lose my composure through the simple gesture or words of someone else expressing their sadness at the news.

    I was in Saudi on contract when my father passed away. I recall clearly sitting in the staff bus on our way back from Bahrain where we made the monthly trip to have our visas renewed. It was late in the evening when I received the text message from South Africa. My father had passed away. He was ill for some time after surviving a stroke two years earlier, and he finally succumbed to the illness. I stared almost disbelievingly at the message, but managed to maintain my composure.

    After absorbing the impact of the news, I reached over to a close colleague and showed him the message. He reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder. Only then did the gravity of what had happened hit me. Before that moment, it was just bad news. When he rested his hand on my shoulder, it somehow brought to reality the loss.

    Despite never having a really meaningful or fulfilling relationship with my father, he was a critical influence in my life, and continues to be so. My relationship with him reminded me of something I had heard from a man that was facilitating a leadership course that I had attended early in my career. He said that his father had been the greatest influence in his life. His father always sat in his arm chair day after day and did nothing but page through the daily newspaper. That spurred him on to commit to never be that way, and so his father’s lethargy drove him to achieve great goals and aspirations in his life.

    I’ve often overlooked some of the lessons I’ve learnt from unpleasant experiences and relationships in my life. By far, the most character defining moments for me have always been in times of hardship and great personal strife. Those moments and lessons would have been wasted if I chose to block it out with the anti-depressant medication or other escapist actions that many recommended at the time. I chose not to numb myself to the pain of what was happening. Instead, I immersed myself like a martyr wanting to feel every emotion and every sensation of pain and release, of heartache and joy. And I remained deliberately sober throughout because those were the only opportunities that truly provided me with insight into what truly lies behind the anger and futility in the actions of others. In seeking to understand my own weaknesses and emotions during those trying times, I emerged with an understanding and appreciation for human angst that I would otherwise never have acquired.

    For this reason, I’ve grown to appreciate the struggles of others, and more importantly, I’ve realised that it can always get worse. No matter how bad my situation was, what appeared to be the most intensely despairing experience at the time is just another life lesson now, with each new experience raising my ability to feel joy and pain at a level of intensity that no drug-induced flight of fancy could ever produce.

  • Only an old man appreciates the value of youth
    Only a person afflicted with calamity can truly appreciate being free of troubles
    Only the sick appreciate health
    Only the dead appreciate life

    Islamic wisdom (via cynicallyjaded)

  • Choose Dignity

    After exhausting all avenues of treatment, my uncle and his family are now faced with the decision to either leave my aunt in hospital in the hope that something about her condition may change, or take her home and make her as comfortable as possible since any treatment she’s currently receiving can easily be administered at home. Inevitably, the first concern that was raised was how would they (the family) feel should something go horribly wrong if they took her home.

    I think that’s the wrong way to look at this. Similar to death, and I don’t mean to sound insensitive or morbid here, but the real issue is that this is not about the family, it is about the patient. This is not about appeasing the conscience of the family or creating sufficient disclaimers regarding their culpability in the face of a bad outcome, but instead it’s about giving an ailing person the dignity of choice to decide what circumstance she would prefer, especially since she is still lucid and competent enough to make such a decision.

    Consider the alternative. Should things take a turn for the worst, would anyone consider the fact that her last wish to spend time in her own home and depart peacefully was actually ignored because of the selfish (albeit sincere) considerations of those around her? Again, like death, this is about the person that is affected, and not about the effect it has on those around them. It may seem like a cold and cruel position to take, but in our grieving and concern, we often make things about ourselves when in fact it is not.

    We’re still hopeful for a positive outcome, but I wish people would start looking at this from her perspective rather than how it affects everyone else around her.

  • What dreams may come…

    Being in a somewhat melancholic mood today, it’s easy to slip into a daze about the what-if’s and the if-only’s of life. Disappointment is born when I see beauty denied, and regrets are born when I see beauty taken for granted, by me as well as others. I have healthy doses of both in my life, but neither is strong enough to taint my optimism for the future even though holding on to such optimism is getting to be quite a challenge on its own.

    I’ve often said that I’m not built or designed to be alone. I have this aching desire to want to take care of someone, to share a life with her and to create an intimate space that is uniquely ours, built on every romantic notion I’ve ever harboured, and embellished with every ideal that I court. I want to prove to myself that a romantic life is still possible against the backdrop of horror that comprised the canvas of my life to this point. 

    I still subscribe to the naive notion that if only a few days of absolute bliss, peace and consoling comfort is experienced in my last moments on this earth, it would render every heartache and every pain impotent. It will cause every regret and every disappointment to recede in humiliation, and will leave me with an eternal smile subtly formed at the corners of my lips when I take my last breath.

    At the moment of my death I don’t want to smile only because the struggle is over. I want to smile because I was successful in proving to the world that despite their hypocrisy and insincerity, I was able to rise above it and still achieve my moment of bliss in spite of their efforts to dismiss me as a dreamer. I know it’s possible. But the fatal flaw in my plan is to find one with as much conviction as me to secure this dream that has been so elusive. But even in this I am optimistic that I will succeed in finding her. The one that will embrace my child-like tendencies, my romantic inclinations, my overbearing responsibility at times, and my overwhelming drive to achieve that which others mock in my aspirations. In return, she’ll enjoy nothing less from me.

    Edit: This was my 800th post.

  • The Theme of My Life

    The theme of my life has been one of misunderstandings and assumptions about who I am and what I stand for, especially by those closest to me. So it’s little, or in fact no surprise that I am constantly misconstrued in my intentions or efforts to achieve positive outcomes in my engagements with many.

    I don’t subscribe to the stereotypical views of life or spirituality, and I question what most assume to be obvious. In this questioning I’m often seen as arrogant, difficult, uninformed, illiterate and even pompous. Regardless of extended efforts to establish understanding and context, the negative assumptions persist. And this, if nothing else, has been the core of my struggle in a hostile world. 

    I don’t refer to myself as anomalous because of any romantic notions that I harbour about my individuality. Being anomalous is not a pleasant place to be. It is often received harshly or responded to cruelly, simply because most don’t know how to deal with what is uncommon, or more commonly considered weird. That is me. And that has been the theme of my life. If current trends are anything to go by, then such shall remain the themes of my life for the rest of my days.

    I have ceased to live with expectations for a long time now. Expectations from others has been the cause of the greatest pain with the deepest wounds incurred by betrayal. Not always betrayals of trust, but most often betrayals of expectations. But I continue to live with hope, because hopelessness never appealed to me no matter how many feeble attempts I’ve made to embrace it. But this same hope causes me to believe in others more than they believe in themselves. I see potential where others see futility, and for this I have been scorned too often.

    I maintain the insane notion that I have something positive to contribute, and from this belief I derive hope that I may yet prove to be beneficial to a course greater than my own existence. I have very little that I hope to achieve on a personal front, for personal gain, but there’s much to be achieved on a human scale. Whether I will ever be accepted for the humanity that resides within me is yet to be seen. Right now, I see a waning moon and a setting sun, and while each offers its own serenity in the cycle of life, they both prove to be an unsettling reminder that the darkness will reach me soon, as it will us all. 

    The image of the pendulum’s arc swinging across the horizon of my life continues to grow stronger by the day. It’s brush against this ephemeral existence continues to provide perspective on my insignificance relative to the universe. Yet the ego will not be silenced into complacency. 

  • The Purpose of Life?

    In my efforts to discover the true meaning of life, I keep thinking about the differences between the principles of atheists and theists. The former professes that there is nothing beyond this and therefore whatever we do we either get punished or rewarded for it in this life but entirely within our control with no consequences beyond death. The latter professes that of everything we do in this life, we’ll reap the rewards or punishment in full in the after-life, whilst also benefiting, or being required to persevere in this life, which ultimately adds to the rewards in the after-life.

    If we are to assume that the atheists are right, I can’t help but wonder how that would play out because there’s so many more questions that arise as to the purpose of life. If we only had this lifetime to worry about, then why restrain ourselves at all? I mean, if I go off the deep end and abuse, molest and destroy anyone and everything at whim, why should I bother about the repercussions if I believe that there is no accountability for a life poorly lived except whatever physical pain, suffering or discomfort is imposed by my fellow man in this lifetime? Why should I entertain the idea of wanting to improve the quality of life of others if any efforts of mine cease to benefit me the moment I die? Why should I care if others live a better life as a result of my efforts? Shouldn’t my efforts then be solely focused on my own gratification since I will only reap the rewards during this lifetime? And since this lifetime will occur only once without any second chances, isn’t it even more critical that I not waste any time in benefiting others unless there’s an inherent benefit for me? This potentially starts a vicious cycle of licentiousness since instant gratification is all we should live for given that we could die at any moment, and given that there would be no account after death.

    Now let’s assume that the theists are right.

    Suddenly my moral compass would be guided by the dangling carrot of a reward that far outstrips my efforts, and makes my sacrifices seem noble. Because now, I can focus on improving the lives of others, treating them with kindness and all those other wholesome ideals, while living in perpetual hope of attaining a state of bliss that will cause me to instantly regret why I didn’t sacrifice more or apply myself in even greater measures during my lifetime. Suddenly, I need to make the most of this lifetime because it is a precursor to a much greater experience. It’s almost as if I’m earning my credentials to lay claim to a specific level of comfort or pleasure in the next life. So I need to follow specific rules and live within specific guidelines that ultimately work towards determining my quality of life in eternity.

    But here’s the real clincher for me. Assuming that the atheists are right, theists would live an equally inconsequential life within the context of the individual, but would inherently be driven to strive more for their fellow man than atheists. To me, the logic dictates that atheism depends on the benevolence of the individual, whereas theism depends on the benevolence of the Creator. Given the state of this world, it’s safe to assume that benevolence in man is a rare commodity, and I call it a commodity because we live in a time when everything has a price. Look at the disparity between the spend and effort to resolve first world problems versus third world problems, and immediately the void of benevolence in man is blatantly obvious. 

    So how does it end? We already protect profit margins more than we protect life, that’s why we pay trillions in bail outs to help those nations that refuse to live within their means, and count every penny and attach inhumane conditions to the contributions we make to feed a starving child, or provide drinking water to the thirsty. The attribute of humanity itself, except by individual choice, is not a prerequisite to live a life as an atheist, whereas it is a precondition to achieve anything meaningful as a theist. So what’s the point? I guess, for me, the point is that if my life were to cease to have meaning beyond my current existence, I would have lived a more fulfilling life as a theist than an atheist, although it can be argued that the selfless efforts of an atheist are potentially more sincere than those of a theist.

    However, judging the intentions of man is impossible, even by the one reflecting on their own intentions, and therefore the measure of sincerity cannot weigh in on this argument. Self-preservation drives most of our motives, and therefore, in the absence of accountability to a greater power, or at least the belief in such, what else would there be to keep us honest and true?