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  • The Burden of Choice

    The Burden of Choice

    Choice is that horrible thing we despise when something doesn’t work out in our favour, but it’s a right we jealously defend when things go our way. Right there is the crux of balance, but balance will remain elusive if we don’t recognise the choices that we made. That is not as basic as it sounds. 

    One human trait that is available in abundance is the trait of obliviousness. Not only are we often oblivious to the impact we have on others, we are equally oblivious to the choices that we make in the process. Not being aware of the impact we have is sometimes a result of being so internally focused on our needs or flaws that we don’t expect to have any meaningful impact on anyone else. 

    When we are so distracted by that internal focus, it is easy to assume that we are simply following the rabbit hole of our thoughts without recognising the decisions we make each time we arrive at a fork in the tunnels. Roads have daylight to warm us during the day, and stars at night to guide us. No, this is a much more daunting journey than that. We rarely travel by daylight or by moonlight when our focus is so intensely internal. That is when we are most oblivious which is quite ironical given that it is exactly such introspection that we hope to make us more aware of who we are and what our contribution to this world might be. 

    And thus we trundle along through those tunnels, bumping into others, sometimes torchbearers on that path, assuming that they are only there for the same reason that we are, but ignoring the fact that they have the same needs as we do. We all just express our needs differently. Right there, in that moment, with that assumption, a choice is made. A choice to engage, to trust, to assume good, or to withdraw and assume that there is no good to be achieved, or that there is no familiarity or comfort to be taken. Those are the choices that we grow oblivious to when we become so intensely focused on our journey that we lose sight of those travelling the same journey, or perhaps having travelled it already.

    In the process of living so selfishly, despite our best intentions, we discard exactly what we may be in search of, and then lament not finding it. Sometimes we are reminded of such choices but grow defensive at the thought of being responsible for our own misery. Surely my sincere pursuit of happiness and enlightenment cannot be the cause of my own misery? Why didn’t someone make me aware of it? Why didn’t someone say something? Why couldn’t they just understand what I was going through? Even if all those questions are answered in the affirmative. it does not change the reality of the fact that it was choices, well-meaning but sometimes destructive choices that we make sincerely and with conviction that isolates the very blessing that we set out to acquire. 

    Lighthouses and travellers. The irony of this is that no one is ever only one of the two for any extended period of time. The dance of life leads us to switch roles without even realising that we are. When a lighthouse is needed, we immediately assume the position because of our desire to breathe life into that which we find wholesome, or beautiful, but just as quickly we become travellers looking to draw pleasure from that same beauty and appreciate the calming presence of the lighthouse.

    If only life was static and predictable. It never is. And the dance between lighthouses and travellers remain a fluid exchange of choices that we make in that moment. The more mindfully we choose, the greater the impact of our choices on our lives. The more oblivious we are with the choices that we make the greater the impact on the lives of others. 

    In that lies the burden of choice. We are not only accountable for the choices we recognise. That is an easy accountability to accept. It is accepting accountability for the choices that we did not intend to make that determines our authenticity and often, it determines the quality of the relationships that contribute towards the joy and comfort that we experience in life. Neglect these out of fear of being accountable for causing harm or pain, and you will find yourself troubled by consequences that seemingly have no good reason to happen to a good person. And that, I believe is one of the reasons why bad things happen to good people.

    P. S. I think it’s human to be oblivious simply because of the scale of distractions that we are exposed to all the time. Therefore, it is in becoming aware (after the fact) of the unintended harm that tests whether our ego is driven towards humility and accountability, or arrogance and deniability.

  • Opportunistic Abdication

    Opportunistic Abdication

    It’s no secret that I have contentious views about the human psyche and what makes us behave the way that we do. That there are tons of differing opinions on the subject is also obviously clear, probably the majority of which either conflicts with, or directly contradicts my views. Many of those contradictory views are presented by individuals that are celebrated academics in fields of psychology and science. Their point of departure is typically one of biology, or scientific theory, and rarely acknowledges the existence of a seat of intelligence external to the physical form of the human condition. In other words, every scientific approach to trying to understand the human condition by implication of their lack of understanding of their own science, sets out on the prejudicial path of denouncing the existence of what all humans experience as the soul.

    The fact that the soul has been unfairly associated with a religious dogma about its purpose is a separate matter. But it is this same association that scientists (and I use that term loosely given how often it is proclaimed by anyone that undertakes research of an academic basis) have used to denounce its relevance. The failings of such an approach has always been quite obvious to me. If scientists were to lay claim to the existence of something that was so intricately woven into religious scripture, they would find themselves caught up in the web of deciphering religious doctrine, much of which has been distorted and fabricated over the millennia. However, their aversion to religion is exactly what undermines their theories regarding the human condition because it prevents them from considering the whole of who we are.

    Questions of morality and justice aside, blatant questions relating to infinite regression and the origin of all origins are quickly dismissed as pointless the moment the scientific community is challenged to provide either evidence of, or a reasonable explanation as to how everything we experience came into being. The moment something appears seemingly impossible to explain, it is dismissed as a fruitless endeavour and attention is immediately redirected towards that which they can apparently explain. The ludicrous theory of evolution being one such indulgence.

    When atrocities are carried out in the name of science, then there is no effort to associate those atrocities with the irreligious affiliations that influenced such atrocities. It is far more convenient to only pursue such associations of atrocities with religious subscription where there may be evidence of the same. In essence, it is this convenience that the scientific community indulges in that begins the erosion of their claim as authorities on the human condition. Selectively framing a theory is nothing but opportunism and an indulgence of the ego. But alas, the ego is something that everyone wants to recognise in others, but for which most prefer not to acknowledge within themselves.

    To separate the ego from the human condition is to firstly stigmatise it negatively, which is confirmation of human prejudice (ironically ego-driven prejudice), and secondly, it is indicative of a lack of understanding of the human psyche. The ego is a manifestation of what we experience as being the personification of our preferences to be a certain way. Everything from values, preferences, beliefs, and biases, to habits and perceptions, and more all combine to form what we experience as the ego. It is not separate from us, it is not an entity within us, it simply is who we are.

    A quick Google of the term revealed the following:

    ego
    /ˈiːɡəʊ,ˈɛːɡəʊ/
    noun
    a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.
    “he needed a boost to his ego”

    synonyms: self-esteem, self-importance, self-worth, self-respect, self-conceit, self-image, self-confidence; amour propre
    “he needed a boost to his ego”

    PSYCHOANALYSIS
    the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.

    PHILOSOPHY
    (in metaphysics) a conscious thinking subject.

    ‘A part of the mind’ is an interesting way to refer to it because the mind itself cannot be adequately defined. Another quick Google of the term ‘mind’ and it becomes plainly clear how anomalous these terms are when trying to lock it down as a scientific truth.

    mind
    /mʌɪnd/
    noun
    1.
    the element of a person that enables them to be aware of the world and their experiences, to think, and to feel; the faculty of consciousness and thought.
    “a lot of thoughts ran through my mind”

    synonyms: brain, intelligence, intellect, intellectual capabilities, mental capacity, brains, brainpower, wits, wit, powers of reasoning, powers of comprehension, powers of thought, understanding, reasoning, judgement, sense, mentality, perception;

    2.
    a person’s ability to think and reason; the intellect.
    “his keen mind”

    synonyms: brain, intelligence, intellect, intellectual capabilities, mental capacity, brains, brainpower, wits, wit, powers of reasoning, powers of comprehension, powers of thought, understanding, reasoning, judgement, sense, mentality, perception

    The point of this exercise is to confirm that the approach to defining or unpacking the human condition from a so-called scientific perspective is nothing but smoke and mirrors. Until scientists find the conviction to acknowledge what it is that defies their logic, they will never be able to grasp the true nature of the human condition because it will lay to waste much of their theoretical fallacies in this regard.

    To set aside the ego as being externally triggered and manipulated because of some evolutionary process is to abdicate responsibility for our ability to consciously choose right from wrong. What defines that right from wrong is again a result of our active subscription to a value system that we as human beings define for ourselves. The origins of those value systems will continue to be debated between detractors of all sides, until the day when it will eventually become self-evident. But my or your belief in whether or not that day will arrive should not taint our approach to unpacking the human condition in a way that reflects our true experience of it simply because it is an inconvenient truth.

    We constantly dismiss divine origins of our state because we cannot fathom the cruelty of a mind that would impose harm on others for no reason other than to feel powerful. As long as we limit ourselves to observing only those symptomatic outcomes of a downtrodden soul we will never be able to fully appreciate why such aspirational goals are sought after by those that were raised to either feel entitled to such authority over others, or were raised to feel the hardship of being subdued by those with such authority over them.

    The Egosystem is not independent of who we are, nor is it independent of every moment of our lives. It is simply the beauty of the human mind that is a manifestation of everything that we claim makes us human. Trying to limit that humanness to chemical imbalances, or evolutionary theory smacks of arrogant opportunism to wish away the very soul that sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. It is an ironical indulgence of the ego to wish away the ego as being something external to our ability to consciously choose based on personal subscription to a frame of reference that we individually believe will result in the harmony that everyone seeks in this lifetime.

    Abdication of accountability for our choices is exactly what results in the harm rather than the harmony that we impose on others, and in turn the same that they impose on us. The fact that we can always choose to reciprocate harm with harm, or instead break that cycle of destruction and instead reciprocate with good is further evidence of the fact that chemicals do not define who we are. Instead, we define our chemical state through conscious thought.

    The failing of academia is that it was established to further human intelligence, but instead has proven to be a distraction from the same by failing to recognise that the infinite beauty in the detail is what defines the magnanimity of the whole. Instead of stepping back and appreciating this splendour, we delve further into an isolated piece of study and try to claim authority and significance in that by hoping to reveal to the world our brilliance in finding the origin of origins, or the source of what plagues human kind. Humans plague human kind when they severe their ties with what bonds us all in kindness and mercy. The erosion of trust in society because of the pursuit of individualistic greed both materially and emotionally has led to the stench that we all now despise.

    The ecosystem of the world has been contaminated by the Egosystems of us. Yet we continue to search for answers everywhere but within our own souls. Abdication of accountability does not eradicate the disastrous consequences of our actions. It only defers the moment in which such accountability will be brought to bear on the collective until one of us chooses to act on behalf of all of us. Hopefully, when we reach that point, it will be as contagious as when we reached the point of self-indulgence being a priority, and community being a burden.

  • Fleeting Thoughts (VII)

    Fleeting Thoughts (VII)

    A therapeutic release of clutter is one in which there is no need to string together coherent thoughts.

    Coherent thoughts dictate a concern for what came before, or what needs to come after which reflects the earnestness of life.

    Life itself does not afford us the indulgence of being inconsequential, or being oblivious to consequence.

    Those seemingly oblivious to consequence are simply focused on outcomes that differ with what we may consider important.

    Perspective is what you gain when you pay attention to what is not being said.

    Unspoken words hold more truth than a blatant show of commitment.

    Commitment wanes when expectations are plundered.

    Plundering of the soul occurs when those with whom you’ve invested much reciprocate only obligingly.

    Obligation fills the gaps, but leave the voids untouched.

    Touching yourself deeply holds more hurt and pain than puns of fun.

    Sometimes the fun is not just a pun and instead touches you deeply but only briefly.

    A brief joy is sometimes more painful than a lasting torment.

    Torment is endured when neglect waxes and hope wanes.

    Neglect of others forms the bad habits that ends up with the abuse of ourselves.

    Abuse is an investment in seeking significance, but without the hope.

    Hope is only as relevant as the probability of its fulfilment.

    Fulfilment is elusive for the wayward wanderers because a journey without a destination is simply a life without a home.

    Home is a journey the heart undertakes each time it needs to breathe.

    A breath of air or a breath of sanity is only visited upon the one who sacrificed both in pursuit of either.

    To breathe is to hope in the moment that comes next. It is a statement of defiance at the heart breaks of the past.

    Heart breaks are bitter sweet. Bitter because of the break, but sweet because of the rarity of the heart that is fragile enough to feel it.

    Fragility is sometimes strength, but only if you realise that it requires courage and a brave soul to expose vulnerability.

    Vulnerability is only preceived as such for one that does not value conviction or sincerity.

    Sincerity is tainted when a fleeting moment defines your entire reality.

    Reality is never real. It is always only ever perceived relative to what we wish to take from it.

    Give or take. We all are both, but only lament one.

  • Wanderlust for Life

    Wanderlust for Life

    Living life as a traveller is the dream of many. I too sometimes flirted with the idea of never being rooted to the spot, or to a specific place. Being able to move freely without restraint sounds so liberating. Free spirited madness and a condescending view of the drudgery that others call life. All such romantic notions.

    But then the cynicism taps on my shoulder and hands me a tether. That tether connects me to something greater than the sum of my life’s efforts. It connects me to the possibility of serving a greater purpose, in exchange for surrendering my personal gains. At first, I hesitate. There must be a catch. Why would I want to willingly give up self-indulgence in favour of resposibility? In favour of expectations, and weighty duties? What could possibly deter me from the freedom of expression and movement that selfish investment offers?

    But that tether was not left dangling for long. Eventually the cynic behind me got tired of holding the tether waiting for me to take it, and instead wrapped it around my neck and left. My lifelong friend had abandoned me because it too did not wish to be tethered to me. There I was, cynicism long gone, and all I had was a view of the world from the ditch in which I fell while choking on that tether. And suddenly my freedom from others threatened my life, rather than enriched it.

    Suddenly I had a need for someone else to abandon their freedom so that they could save mine, and I realised that there was a deep hypocrisy in the expectation that suddenly surged within me. As I flitted through my years believing that I was above restraint of expression, or seeing responsibility as a boring abuse of the wonderment of life, I didn’t stop to consider how many I abandoned along the way as they lay in their ditches looking for a momentary indulgence from another so that they may find the means to breathe again.

    Then it appeared in full frame. If everyone in this world were travellers, who would be the lighthouses? This was followed by a sad realisation that lighthouses are rarely the destination for travellers. They only serve as beacons of hope along the journey so that the travellers can reach their destination, with nothing more than a photo opportunity with the lighthouse.

    The wanderlust for life, for being able to travel and explore and experience without feeling held back, is an indulgence of the ego until the ego gets lonely. It is only in that lonely state that the value of attachment is considered to be beautiful, or the expectations of others creates purpose. But everything in moderation, because blessings become a burden and burdens a blessing, if dealt in just the right doses at just the right opportune moments.

    Such alignment of doses and needs rarely occurs. It is the grateful perspective of the whole of it that allows us to benefit from the precious little of it. And in that way, in some strange twist of fate and fortune, cryptic rhymes and distorted perspectives can meld into a beautiful life, if only we are awake to the reality of it all.

    [Random thoughts strung together sometimes emerge as a coherent string of wisdom pearls. But only sometimes…this is not one of those times.]

  • Bitter Sweet

    Bitter Sweet

    One thing I could never relate to was the experience of shedding tears of joy. Not the tears that are spontaneously released at the end of a harrowing experience, but the tears that fall out of joy at the sound of good news or because of an unexpected blessing unrelated to a difficulty. The release of tears as an expression of emotion has always fascinated me. Despite my general disposition of feeling things very deeply, and having a keen sense of the emotional space that others may be in, that volume of reference material, so to speak, does not appear to have informed my emotional frame of reference to allow me the ability to spontaneously shed tears of joy.

    Is it a deficiency or is it simply my nature? That has never been an easy question to answer because answering requires a definition of what normal is. For the most part, I don’t think that there is an emotional normal. Perhaps a relatable frame of reference is all that we have to work with, but we don’t engage with others around frames of reference. We engage on emotion.

    Perhaps I am jaded. Who am I kidding? Perhaps has nothing to do with it. Jaded I am, but pessimistic I am not. So I still expect good outcomes, but I’m also painfully aware of the bad outcomes just waiting to occur.

    I’m suddenly reminded of the scene from Hancock with Will Smith and Charlize Theron where they grow closer to each other and lose their immortality. Finding such comfort in each other weakened them while remaining apart strengthened them. That same threat appears to haunt the fearful romantics. The ones that cherish the thought of a perfect companionship but find every reason to believe that they are not worthy of it. The threat of being disemboweled should such perfection be ripped away causes many to recede and play it safe instead.

    I can relate to such bitter sweet moments. Moments when you look into someone’s eyes and see the comforting joy that they feel, only to see it brushed away by their fears of losing such joy if it were to be embraced. Moments when the expectations that society places on us to be perceived a certain way conflicts with what we want for ourselves. Be true to ourselves and risk isolation, or deny ourselves and enjoy an uneasy inclusion? The bitterness of such choices often snuff out the sweetness of what it offered, but we are inclined to believe in probabilities before we believe in hope.

    The bitter sweet moments are many. They’re reflected in moments when you connect with another soul but realise that you’re only a decade or more too late. Or the time that you suddenly grasped the charm of a given act, but the one who charmed you in that way left a long time ago out of frustration or rejection because you may have been distracted. Or the moment when two damaged souls connect, but pull away because neither sees the damage of the other, but only the damage within themselves and think the other to be deserving of better.

    It is safer to recede and take the path of mediocrity, even in love, because mediocrity offers a real chance of tasting happiness or comfort, or even success. It’s the acceptance of half a loaf of bread in case you end up with none. But it also limits the experience of life to half measures and half truths. The other half that is left unfulfilled demands distractions and superficial indulgences to complete you, but such indulgences only distract you from the void but never fills it.

    It’s a sure way to fade away while waiting for that perfect moment to arrive. Equally so, embracing the hope of fulfilment could kill you a thousand times before the kindred one comes along, if ever. Living with such hope is foolhardy to some, but non-negotiable for others. Bitter sweet. No guarantees. That’s life.

  • That Book I Promised for So Long

    That Book I Promised for So Long

    For years now, I’ve been contemplating writing that book. It started, stopped, started, and stopped again…and ran through that cycle a few more times. A couple of years ago I finally gave it meaningful consideration and started out with a collection of essays that I thought would be a reasonable first stab at that book.

    I reworked it, reformatted it, and did all sorts of things with it, until early this year when I decided to rewrite it from scratch. What was to be a collection of essays morphed into my obsession called The Egosystem. It is the distilled wisdom of everything I have been writing about for more than 10 years on this and other blogs.

    The Egosystem finally gives a shape and a form to the thought processes that I go through day in and day out, which informs my observations, insights, and quirks about life, love, and laughter. It takes the reader through a gentle process of unpacking the way our emotions are strung together, without being prescriptive, or presumptuous in the process. It simply lays bare the inner workings of our minds, so that we can become aware of why we are the way we are. It is only once this realisation is achieved that we can hope to make more informed and effective decisions about which path we wish to take.

    Until we reach this point of awareness, we are simply responding to subconscious triggers and emotional needs without truly embracing the power of being present in the moments that shape our lives. The Egosystem is the foundation of who we are as human beings, and defines in a non-academic way, a synopsis of the human condition that wears so many of us down.

    I hope that this will be the first of many books that I write, because after completing this piece of work I cannot imagine myself doing anything else with such conviction. The application of The Egosystem is so versatile that it spawns variations that are begging to be explored. One of those that must receive attention soonest is how the Egosystem plays out in failed relationships specifically, and the disastrous effect that such failures often have on innocent children caught up in the sway as collateral damage.

    Perhaps, in some strange way, it is a calling that I needed to answer given my first hand experiences at such human dysfunction. This was a book that was begging to be written, and it feels like it has defined the beginning of a whole new journey in my life. A journey that may make the sum of my experiences to date nothing more than reference material for the true purpose of my being.

    I hope that you will find familiarity and insight in The Egosystem, and that it will allow you to take back control of your emotions, your life,  and your love. Whether it be for another, for some material objective, or for a creative passion. Living through such endeavours without being able to fully immerse yourself in it can be a very unsettling experience. It taints the product of our labour, and further weighs down on the clutter that keeps us distracted in the back of our minds.

    Living with conviction and loving with sincerity. It the greatest gift we could give ourselves, and the ones we love, because anything less is cheating life while death approaches.

    To get your copy, please find details of the book on the page dedication to The Egosystem on this blog, or on my main website at zaidismail.com.

    Thank you to everyone that has followed, and often shared my journey to this point over the years. With gratitude, Zaid.

     

  • The Path You Take

    The Path You Take

    Share your story. A prompt that suggests so much. It suggests that we have a story worth sharing, but equally so, it suggests that there is an audience interested in our story. We all have a story to share. So much so that it is an accepted cliché when seeing untoward behaviour from some, or a lack of ambition from others. We remind ourselves and others that we don’t know their story and therefore should not judge them harshly. That has its merits to a point.

    Something not so often contemplated though is the story versus the storyteller. I’ve witnessed many times how a great story is dismissed simply for being told by the wrong storyteller. Not because they did a bad job of telling it, but because the audience saw that person as someone other than a source of credibility, wonderment, or inspiration.

    The stories of our lives consists of the people and characters that we most often know first hand. Be that online or in real time, our first hand interactions with them shapes their perceptions of who we are and what they believe we are capable of. It is that perception that defines how our story will be received or how our advice may be taken. Good advice is always good advice. It only becomes tainted in our minds because we contaminate it with our perception of the advisor.

    True emotional maturity and a healthy self esteem is defined by our ability to accept the truth, or criticism, regardless of its source. That probably speaks as much about the conviction we hold for objective truth (if such exists in normal human interactions) versus our subjective truth regardless of the facts that may challenge our views. But all this is beside the real point, and instead simply alludes to a much more important point that escapes most of us.

    When we choose to change the definition of who we are, or how we are preceived (which is a natural consequence of the former), we forget that others are not as invested in the change that we wish for ourselves. For most, it is more convenient for them to maintain their firmly held beliefs about who we are or what we represent, because it gives them predictability and assurance about their views on life and others. They need that predictability or stability especially when their self image is based on how they compare to others. I think this is an important point.

    When we realise how much the way we are strengthens the self esteem of others, we’ll realise why it is that the support that we expect is not forthcoming when needed. Their self esteem could be bolstered by believing that they’re better than we are, or by their association with us if we have admirable qualities that they want to be associated with. It is easy at this point to assume that they do not want us to be successful or ambitious, but the truth lies closer to the fact that they are not ready to reevaluate who they are relative to their changing reality.

    When we assume that it is about us, rather than recognising that they suffer from their own feelings of insufficiency, we feel deprived or betrayed by their lack of support. Right there is the struggle of leadership. True leadership, not pseudo leadership associated with an office or title. Leading in your chosen field of passion or influence. Following a calling that demands more than just fitting in or complying with the norm. When you choose that path, one of your closest companions will likely be isolation.

    Isolation is an inevitable outcome of influencing change. By definition, change means to be set apart from the norm. You cannot lead from within the masses, or by subtly hinting at improvement while maintaining the status quo to avoid disruption. Unless of course minor incremental changes define the limits of the leadership that you wish to provide, or the change you wish to see realised.

    I guess it is therefore more accurate to state that disruptive leadership is a courtship of isolation. Only once the value of your vision is experienced by the rest can you hope to feel any sense of inclusion. However, by that time the harm or discomfort of isolation by those you expected to be your staunch supporters often results in so much damage to the fabric of your relationship with them that their inclusion or support no longer holds any merit. Ironically it becomes a reversal of the point of departure. You risk becoming the one not willing to reevaluate your perception of others because of a moment in the past, rather than accepting that they needed tangible evidence to overcome their cynicism or doubt about what you were striving to achieve and the value that it offered them.

    Either way, when you choose your path in life, inclusion will leave you constrained and unfulfilled, while conviction will risk disruption that will set you on a collision course with the people that you hope to keep close through the journey ahead. If you have such people in your life, the ones that grow with you on your journey, cherish them. However, on this point I believe that not a lot of cherishing will be done, because not many earn such respect or gratitude through support and encouragement.

    Perhaps it is just my jaundiced view based on a jaundiced relationship with a jaundiced society.

  • Opportune Moments

    Opportune Moments

    Tonight I was reminded of many things. Important things. Calling them things undermines the significance of it, but such is life. It turns the ordinary into elusive extraordinary moments, and turns the defining moments into passing glimpses of what was or what might have been. I was reminded of something I read on the blog of a troubled soul many years ago. It said, quite plainly, that life has been one long longing for a place I’d never been. That’s what tonight reminded me of.

    It reminded me of everything that I cherished and romanticised about, everything that is fragile but resilient, and everything that has felt like it was always meant for someone else. There is a taunting accuracy in driving around with a number plate that reminds me of the divinely ordained destinies that visit us in moments of distraction, and sometimes in moments when we are so deeply immersed in the essence of it that its passing feels akin to the ripping of thorns from the deepest recesses of my gut. But there has always been a glory in being able to experience moments so deeply.

    I look around at the oblivious that flit from moment to moment each time only looking to see if they were noticed or celebrated in that moment, but rarely allowing anything of that moment to affect them in a way that tears away at their defenses. Control is often blamed on the need to be functional or dependable, but it is most often called upon when we would muster the last breath in us to ensure that no one ventures close to the most cherished wounds of our souls. Until moments arise that remind us that control was only ever an illusion. A state that we created by blocking out everything that we could not control, and convinced ourselves that if we believed it hard enough, it would be willed into truth.

    Abandoning control in favour of feeling my humanness is an embrace I savoured a long time ago. I now convey the image of control to others, because what they see is the absence of impact of the fickle ways of others, and assume that it is in fact a control of response on my part. It is not. There is little control that is needed when you recognise the world for the fleeting annoyances that it offers. When a response is not warranted, most interpret it as restraint, simply because such a fickle occasion would have exacted much seething on their part. Not feeling any need to respond requires no control. It simply requires an awareness of the futility that any response will offer.

    Such passion for righting the wrongs that none care much about is easily subdued and eventually abandoned in favour of serving the passion that promises to oil the lamp that shines the light that makes the darkness bearable. There is nothing so bad that there is no good in it. These words have grounded me, and brought me comfort in times of despair by prompting me to recognise that there is more to life than wilting away in the darkness in memory of a past that never blossomed. Life is too short for such indulgences of the ego.

    Everyone talks about how short life is, but never about how short their memory is when it comes to remembering this sobering fact. I recall a movie whose title escapes me, in which Mini Driver screamed at her father after yet another disappointing betrayal of his trust, and complained that he keeps taking her to the top of the mountain only to show her what she can’t have. Perhaps that is what life is about. Dreams and aspirations that drop sparkles on the path for others to find their way, while the road ahead beckons you towards adventure and the promise of all things beautiful. So we willingly drop pieces of the essence of us as we travel along that path, until eventually we are spent. Those of us that are fortunate are met with our final moments at the time that we have exhausted the last shards of what we have to offer the world. The not-so-fortunate find themselves spent before their final breath approaches leaving them scurrying in their twilight moments looking for hope or purpose, finding none, and denying everything that ever tasted like reality, waiting patiently for the taunt of death to finally cease so that death itself may arrive.

    Opportune moments are most often recognised in moments of good fortune. But as always, moments that remind us of the beauty we take for granted, or the companionship that we barely recall are the moments that are most opportune. It defines who we are in provoking the responses of our true selves in its wake, while leaving us bare and vulnerable only to the eyes of those that see beyond the aesthetic. Thankfully they are in short supply so living with such brazenness is possible without attracting the attention of the distracted.

    Tonight, I was reminded that it is not loneliness but isolation that breaks our spirit. Because as they say, you are never alone if you like the one that you are alone with. Isolation is what you feel when you are in a room full of people, all of whom are close to you, but none of whom truly know or appreciate you. Isolation is felt most deeply when you feel the warmth of an embrace so close that it sets your heart racing, but it leaves without being fulfilled leaving your heart breaking.

    There was a time when such expression was reserved for anonymous posts that protected my dignity in the presence of those that have spent much time and effort in trying to prove that some humanity rested within me. Only, the humanity they sought to expose was in fact humiliation they wished to impose. It makes others feel less weak or pathetic when they are able to prove that the strong have moments of weakness just like them. Little do they know that it weakens them even more instead. These are all opportune moments. Moments that define our contribution to the world, and moments that define what we wish to finally accept the world is able to offer us.

    Shame is only felt when the opinions of others matter. When those opinions hold no weight at all, vulnerability and hope become companions that walk side by side, with optimism pretending to be the mascot, and reality being the path on which we travel. Incoherent ramblings offer solace and repose, even though after bleeding at the keyboard the gravity of what was not will once again visit a heavy heart.

    Despite all this, I would have life no other way. Living in half measures, even when surrounded by ingrates and mirages, is no life at all. Fortuitous it may be that I was reminded of a quote from Shakespeare just last night. It said, “Life is but a walking shadow that struts and frets its hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” I think he got it right, except for the last part. It signifies everything. That everything only loses its value when we hope for it to be valued by those that don’t recognise the value in us, or sometimes, the value in themselves. Either way, rubbishing the good or chasing the bad is only ever a cry for sympathy. I pray that I will never be met with such weakness in what life remains ahead of me.